Becoming Deborah

Does that make me crazy? Probably....

2012-01-28T19:01:00.000+11:00

This week has been a very interesting one. So, first off, I've always been a little bit different. Always had trouble living life on life's terms. I have always been afraid, always been thin skinned, always taken things personally. Always been afraid of being alone, always been bullied, always been sure there was something wrong with me. Always looking at the person next to me to see how they did it, and trying to do the same. Always sure that I would be rumbled, and people would see how crap I truly was, and that nobody would ever want to be my friend.

So when did that change? Well, about eight and a half years ago, I started taking things a little more seriously. I started looking at the circumstances in my life, and how people were always being unreasonable...I started looking at how the common denominator in that was me. I started thinking that, as someone says in Bridesmaids "You are the problem. You're your own problem, and you're your solution". How true. My relationships with people have always been interesting, different, fraught. And although I got help, a lot of it didn't make sense. Not until I reached my rock bottom (those other ones were just practice), when I developed extreme Post Natal Depression, and was forced to evaluate my own life.

I was forced to see that if I always let other people define me, then when I was alone, I would always feel weird and sort of nothing-y. I learned that nobody was going to show up and help me fix my life. I began to see that I was my solution. I also learned along the way, that the reason why I behaved like this, was because I had an underlying mental illness. I have a mental illness. I don't like having a mental illness. I want to be all better, because I decided that I should be. But at the same time, it is a relief, when I relapse and I look at the criteria for having Borderline Personality Disorder. Because, there in black and white are all the things I do. All the things that I struggle with. And I realise, again, that this is not something that I enjoy. This is not something that I brought on myself. This was the answer to the question the 14 year old me asked herself again and again "WHAT THE F&*K IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY AM I LIKE THIS? WHY CAN"T I LOVE MYSELF?"

Being diagnosed was a huge relief because it meant that there was a REASON why I found life so difficult, why I struggled so much with extremes of emotion, why I became obsessed with certain outcomes, why I struggled to let things go, why I sought to bury my emotion in food, shopping or drinking, why I felt things so much more deeply than other people did. Why I compared myself, why I judged myself and others.

So, it was a curse and a blessing. A curse, because I had all that stuff that I had to deal with, to work on, to try and live with. But, a blessing, because I finally knew what was wrong with me. I had help. I was shown the way and had a loving family, friends, and a psychiatrist who specialised in making people with BPD find a life that was liveable.

But - I still struggle. I still struggle fiercely with my emotions, and in particular, anger. I haven't had an anger episode for a long time, but I had one last week. And it destroyed some stuff in my life. Good friends, who I haven't known for that long, saw me at my worst, and didn't like it. It scared them. This episode set off a chain of events that led to me having to resign from my job, a job I loved, a job where I finally felt that I had found my calling. A job that was proof that I wasn't limited or challenged. A job where people looked to me for the answers. A job where I could give back for all the compassion and help that I'd received in the past eight years.

I am struggling to not feel like I blew it - like I should have tried harder. But, my overwhelming feeling is that I may have lost friends and a job, but that I am moving on. I have made some amazing friends through this job, and I am proud of my achievement in keeping this job, even though I wish it could have lasted for longer. I recognise that I was starting to get tired. That I was starting to get stressed. That the responsibility was starting to be too much for me. That I was feeling out of control...that I didn't know how I was going to fit it all in. That I felt like it defined me.

And you know what? I don't need a job to tell me who I am. I am Deborah Louise Hay (nee Cook). I make mistakes. I let people down. I fall down, but I get back up again. I am honest about my failings. I try to right my wrongs. I am what you see. I love helping people. I love being social. I love sarcasm. I love food. I love sugar. I love my family. I love my son. I love my husband. I love cats. I love toilet humour. I love that life is full of surprises and I love that I"m getting better at rolling with the punches. I love that my husband has taught me to laugh at myself, and I love that I have taught him compassion. I love that I am me. I may not be the best me that I can be, but I'm working on it. Watch this space.
Much love
Deb xx

Crying over you...

2011-12-16T18:18:00.000+11:00

This time of year brings back too many memories.

5 years ago, Alex was 3 months old, and I was in the grip of truly terrible, severe post natal depression. I'd had depression before, but that was the "have a few drinks or a coffee with yer friends and you'll feel better" kind. This was the hardcore, can't eat, sleep or read variety.

It was unfortunate, as I was so excited about having a baby. I had longed for Alex...and thought he was the most adorable thing in the world. I was so proud to be his mum. It was just that I worried. I worried every time he went somewhere, that it was the last time I'd see him. I kept thinking that he was going to die. I kept being afraid that I was going to hurt him. I felt like I was a long way away from everyone else, talking to them from under a weight, and watching myself from the ceiling at the same time.

Christmas 2007 was horrendous. I'd never been suicidal before or truly anxious, but I was all these things. When I look back at home videos of this time, I can see my fear, see that I wasn't there, see that I wanted someone to come and rescue me from the prison of my consciousness. I kept wanting to scream, to scream and never stop.
So, on th 27th of December, I was admitted to a mother and baby unit in Melbourne. I spent a whole month there. Alex wasn't with me at first, so I spent New Years Eve 2007 in a mental institution. I was so horrendously, severely unwell, and I didn't know why someone didn't come and rescue me from it. If I was in that much physical pain, I'd be on the strongest painkillers. How could I pretend, and keep pretending to be normal, when how I felt was as far from normal as I had ever felt?

And it's not just how I felt, it's hearing the stories about how my sister in law drove Alex home all by herself, with him in her car seat. Because I'd been admitted to hospital again, because this illness was so horrendous that I thought everyone would understand if I just checked out of life. The time that my mum and sister looked after him. The fact that everyone loves him, because they all had to pitch in and look after him while I was busy being treated. I am grateful that Alex was shown such love. But I'd be lying if I wasn't deeply grieved for a long time that I couldn't be there for him. Because I loved him, so so so much. The psychs always said that I had a very strong connection with him. ...and how couldn't you?

I found a bit about how I felt at the time, and I enclose it below. To those of you who are suffering - it will end. As long as you keep living, it gets better. Today I have an amazing life.....but I can't help think about what I went through 5 years ago, what we all went through. I feel saddest for Richard...because he loved Alex and I so much...and he was so amazing. He never walked away from me, even when I was angry, horrible, bitter and full of hate. Neither did my mum, sisters, dad, and my amazing in laws. Girls from the youth group wrote me beautiful letters. Thank you, Klasine, Del, Frances and Jossy. Thank you, all who were there. I'm all better now. But I still remember.

Love,
Deb
Diary:
16 March07 - I love my husband but I hate him seeing me like this. In fact, I feel like saying to him and the rest of my family "Don't love me!", but I know I don't really want that.

24 April 07 - I am so afraid and so scared that I'll never be all right again. I feel really confused, like I'm stuck in a big black hole. Feel suicidal, like I just want to die....can I go home? I just feel like I want to pass out or die, I can't go on living like this.

18 May 07 - All I want is a good night's sleep, and to be able to sleep again. I miss sleep sooo much and I'm afraid I'll never sleep again. I can't believe that I will ever get better but I have to trust God. I would much rather be the one cheering other people up than the one going through this, wading through so much horrible anxiety and fear. Please God, release me from this horrible prison. Just a tiny little bit, just enough for me to go home and cope at home. I am so weak, Lord, please help me. Lord, this is hell on earth and I would really like to not feel like this for much longer.
A verse I love is Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".

10 July 07.I feel unable to copeI feel scared that I'm going mad, feeling disconnected from everyone around me, I seem to be in a world of my own. I feel a sense of impending madness, s though I would fall over a high cliff at any moment, and this would signify my lost grip on reality.I can't enjoy anything about life anymore. All I think about is this illness and the feelings that I'm having. I keep thinking that I just want to be normal, why has this happened to me?
Psalm 13 is really good....David gives it to God in the first bit, I love it!

About May/June 08 I started to feel better. I started to be able to go out in public with Alex or by myself and not worry. Things have just kept on getting better.
And do you know what? I know that I'm stronger for having gone through this. I feel like I know I can get through stuff. I am woman, hear me roooooooooooooar! :)

You are why you eat.

2011-12-06T08:52:00.000+11:00

I think too much. That's for sure. Part of my journey with weight loss, and Weight Watchers, has been unpacking some of the ways that I think and the ways that affects my food, mood and weight.

So.....I love watching those psychological experiment shows where they try to get people to lose weight, put on weight, and work on the way that they eat. Last night I watched a show that was about skinny people who were made to eat twice their regular calorie intake over four weeks. It showed that some of them put on weight, but some of them didn't. Isn't that weird? Some of their metabolisms were firing so strongly, that any more calories than they needed were put into muscle, automatically. Their bodies just did it by itself. This program also explored the idea that genetics has a big part to play in whether people overeat or not.

There seems to be a gene that makes people more susceptible to overeating and feelings of hunger. Through an MRI, they showed that obese people, who had lost some weight, had a brain reaction of being ravenously hungry when they saw food, even if they were full, or had just eaten. Isn't that amazing? So persons who have a predisposition towards weight gain not only have to fight the mental battle, but they have their bodies telling them that they are STARVING!

The skinny people in this show were not allowed to walk more than 5,000 steps in one day, and many of them found this difficult. And, once they had finished the four weeks of the study, they went back to their normal eating habits, and all of them lost the weight WITHOUT DOING ANYTHING.....eating what they needed and stopping when they were hungry was just their body's way of doing things. Wow. Doesn't that sound fabulous?

I have experienced a phenomenon in the past few days.....that I could relate to with the skinny people. It showed them eating lots, and not wanting to....that they were looking forward to getting into exercising again, that they didn't want to live with minimal exercise and shovelling food into their mouths. And I can totally relate! In the beginning of Weight Watchers, all I wanted to do was eat, and I felt fat and gross, and deprived, and that I couldn't keep doing it. But, gradually, as this thing has become a way of life....and I have learned to embrace healthy eating and to LOVE my treats...and include them daily....but to feel good about what I eat without feeling deprived.

Does that make sense? On the weekend, we had a family Christmas, and I ate:

Uncle Tobys' Oats, 4pp
Skim Milk, 4pp
Flaked Almonds 2pp

Beesting from Howlong Bakery 6pp (sooo yum!)

Chicken Breast 3pp
Greek Salad 4pp

6 x mini Milky Bars 9pp
2 x mini flakes 4pp
1 Milo snack bar 3pp

Gourmet Chicken Sandwich 12pp
Hot Chips, large serve 9pp
Cadbury Favourites, 13 pieces 14pp

71 Propoints, baby!! But....guess what? I ate what I wanted, stopped when I was full, didn't eat everything, and felt good about myself. After eating all the chocolate, I felt a bit piggy, and was glad to get back into eating good food again. And it's so nice not to have to beat myself up about having a little mini pig out. Because of the 49 weekly propoints, it's all completely legal.....there is no more forbidden food, and because of that, overeating is less of an issue. I dont' feel like I have to gorge myself, because I know that I can always have more of what I am eating tomorrow. And I can fill up on fruit and veg that make me feel fabulous.

Oh...and I had the beesting on the way to my nephew Petey's party....where a variety of party food was served...but because I'd had the delicious custardy creamy beesting, I was so full that I didn't need to eat anything there. I had that at 10am and didn't eat again until about 1pm...because I was craving exactly that, ate it, and didn't need to stuff myself full of other things that I didn't really want, just because I felt deprived. I think that's the number one reason why I used to overeat, because I felt lonely, sad, and because the food was so forbidden......I couldn't just have a little bit of it. There was no moderation...there was either "I am being good and eating salad and cottage cheese", or "I AM A SUGAR MONSTER AND MUST CONSUME EVERYTHING IN MY PATH"....

Yesterday I got up, had a 2 yummy crumpets with peanut butter, then some fruit salad with yoghurt and flaked almonds. It was delicious!! I went and did all my jobs, went to the gym, which felt fantastic, and realised I was hungry about 11.45. I did not feel hungry until then. For some people, who have never been totally at the mercy of their appetite and food thinking all their lives, this may not seem like a big deal...but for me it is a total, massive and amazing victory. I have always obsessed about food...but now I enjoy it. I listen to my body, eat what I want to, without guilt, enjoy a variety of healthy and unhealthy food, and feel like I am really getting on with the business of living, without being a prisoner to my thoughts any more.

So.....I may not get it all right every day, and I have massive self doubts sometimes.....but I see my life coming together in a way that I am so happy with....and I want that for you. Yes, you, reading this. I didn't ever think that I could be this free, and now I am. And so can you be.

Love always
Deb :)

The job of my dreams, the life of my dreams!

2011-10-02T09:07:00.000+11:00

Morning all...it's been a while since I posted! About 6 months, to be precise. There are two reasons for this - number one, I tend to use Facebook as my diary(I over share constantly), and number two, I have the job of my dreams as a Weight Watchers Leader, and life has become busy!!

I never, ever, ever thought that I'd have such an amazing job, where I am able to do what I love, talk about self esteem, about positivity, about eating healthily....and I get to work with and share with the most amazing people. I didn't think, when I was mired in misery and self hate, at a weight of 122kg, feeling like the most revolting person in the world, feeling weak, feeling trapped, feeling imprisoned in all that extra flesh....that I could ever be someone that could inspire other people.

Do you want to know what? Sometimes I feel like a bit of a fraud. I mean, yeah, I've lost some of the weight. My life has changed, my wardrobe has changed, and I'm a lot happier. But in some ways, I'm really scared of getting to goal weight. I have been this weight now (about 10kg overweight) for most of my adult life, and I am terrified of getting down to the 80s because I feel like I'll be too visible. Yes, I know I'm weird.

When I was 11, we moved house, and I started going to Brownies, and doing Netball. I also started working on some modest breasts. The breasts that everyone else in my year wanted, but that I would have gladly done without. They made me visible. They made me a target. I was mercilessly teased by the girls on the netball team and called "Big tits", excluded from their gossip, and for someone who was already struggling with these strange protuberances, it made it all the harder to deal with. It was the same story at Brownies. I'd practice a witty comment or even just a "Hello" (did I mention I was cripplingly shy for most of my adolescence?)...only to have it shot down in flames with a taunt of "OH YEAH, BIG TITS?".....ugh. I guess, looking back on it now, that they were jealous of my advance into puberty - but I would have gladly retreated from it! I slept with a bra on for most of my high school years, as I was so uncomfortable with them. They made me a freak, they made me different, they made me a target.

So, moving on into the final years of high school, I was a shy and timid gal, who'd subconsciously put on weight as a kind of camouflage for the hated bosoms. But, unfortunately, at 180cm, I was never going to fade into the background. Instead of "Big Tits", I became "Fatso", or "Big Red", "Ronald McDonald" or "Big Betty" (anyone remember "Hey Dad"?)

I guess I have spent most of my life trying to be what other people would like, and it's only since I lost the weight that I've regained my fashion sense, that I like wearing my hair bright red and asymmetrical, that I like wearing things that I wouldn't have worn in my "I'm living in Finley and a wife so I best wear sensible shoes" phase. I'm almost there. I'm so close to being happy with who I am......but I'm holding back cause I'm scared.

Well, my lovely Area Manager, Cate, has encouraged me to not settle. She's encouraged me to believe that I can lose that final 10kg and I can deal with being visible. That I deserve to be visible. How many of us are struggling with being visible in our lives? How many of us mask our fears and our imagined failings in life, with food and trips to the fridge? How many of us want to disappear because we think we don't matter, that we don't have a right to be visible?
I'm making a pledge right now that I'm on my way - that I'm going to try - and I'll tell you how I go. No fear - I have my faith in a loving God to lean on and the support of my amazing WW friends, Nicky, Laura, Claire and others......This year is the year of Triumph!! Peace and love to you all xxoo

Ch-ch-changes

2011-02-09T11:47:00.000+11:00

Hello all!

I'm writing to you from a place where I never thought I'd be - happiness! You see, I've always been a worrier - a bit of a scaredy cat, and always had that feeling of impending doom. Didn't think people liked me, didn't think I was good enough, didn't know who I was but hated myself anyway. And I'm talking about feeling like this from the age of 8. Dreadful stuff, eh? My mum is sad when I tell her that, she feels like she should have known. But how could I verbalise what I didn't know was abnormal? I thought that everyone else felt like this. I thought that people stopped feeling like that when they got a boyfriend. So, that was my goal. On the pages of a SMASH HITS 1987 diary, and deep into my psyche, the words "THIS YEAR I WILL GET A BOYFRIEND" ruled my life. If I could get someone to like me, that would prove I was worthwhile, and prove that I was somebody.

Sadly, I was cripplingly shy as a youngster, and most boys tended to like the girls who laughed and talked, instead of the ones who sat mute, gazing in wonder and fear at this strange species called "boy". I had no idea how to relate to them. Coming from a family of 3 girls, I had no clues, and trudged through life, and highschool alternately avoiding and stalking a succession of guys. In my mind, I fashioned scenarios where I spoke to the pretty boy who'd been occuping my thoughts. Sadly, in real life, I stared at him so hard in the canteen line, that he and his friends started to laugh every time I walked past. I had no clue.

Then, in Year 11, I discovered alchol! Through this magic elixir, I discovered that I could talk to BOYS! I could be witty and funny and unleash all the conversational gambits that wouldn't come out of my mouth otherwise.

I had some success with boys in my uni years and beyond, but my mission to self destruct was starting to interfere with my romantic life. Some of my suitors even had the temerity to suggest that I had a drinking problem. It all came to a head when I started to realise that if a guy really liked me, I'd ruin things, by getting drunk, by running away or behaving badly. I started going to counselling, where, layer by layer, I realised that I didn't really like myself - so if any guy showed an interest in me, I assumed he was insane, or joking. Or both. I started to realise that I couldn't really be in a relationship until I worked on myself.

And so, three months after that revelation, I started going out with Richard, and six months after that, we were engaged. Hey, if you're going to work through existential dilemmas, it's better to drag someone else along for the ride, and make their life miserable too, innit? Poor Richard. He's definitely seen me through some hard times, but he's an amazing husband (and person), and has given me the space to become truly me.

So what's the quick fix for a low self esteem? Enter counselling immdiately. You can't unravel years of patterns by yourself. Some of us are more emotional and prone to depression. It's a medical thing. You wouldn't try and treat asthma by yourself, would you? Lose the guilt, and realise that the most important thing that you can do for your friends and family is to LOVE YOURSELF.

My existential dilemma came to a head when I had Alex. Having kids is a surefire trigger for more "who am I" questions, and for someone like me who has tried to be what other people want me to be all my life, it was a freakout. But - thanks to my amazing family and friends, I've come out the other side stronger and more sure of myself. Not everyone has to like me. Not everyone has to share my opinon. But you know what, as long as I'm honest about me, that can never be wrong. I realise that I'm not everyone's cup of tea. Sometimes I'm too honest, too frank, too into emotional mumbo jumbo. But you know what? I like that.

I like me. I even love me. Do you love you too? You should. Cause you're awesome.

Deb xoxox

What a difference you've made...

2010-10-29T23:32:00.000+11:00

Today, I went and did Body Jam - it was awesome! Do you know what was so awesome about it? The music was funky and I could pretend to be a gangsta, but the best part, was that when I looked at myself in the long gym mirror, I didn't have to quickly look away or think "gosh...i'm so fat!". I used to do Body Jam when we first moved to Shepparton in 2008, when I tipped the scales at a massive 122kg. I was so unhappy, but couldn't get out of the habit of using food as a crutch. I'd put on a lot of weight after Alex was born due to Post Natal Depression, and feeding my feelings was a lot easier than dealing with them. My feelings, they sucked. They sucked a lot.

So - today's class got me musing on what else is different in my life these days. I've been going to Weight Watchers for nearly 11 months now, and I've lost 21.7kg so far. I'd already started losing some of the bulk in 2009 - with a change of medication, I didn't retain as much fluid, and I started WW at a still hefty 116kg. Bigger than I'd ever been in my life. When I first started to lose weight, I'd be discouraged, and think "why should I celebrate losing weight when I shouldn't even BE this weight to begin with!??!?". But I rewarded myself and set goals, I really really wanted to do it - I was so sick of being tired all the time and having no energy for Alex or anything much. So, even though I've had days or weeks where I've got off track, just keeping on going has ensured that the days have turned into weeks and the weeks have turned into months, and here I am nearly a year later (hmmm.....that reminds me of something else I did with my life, can anyone guess?)

The things that are different now are:
I can fit into a size 16 or 14, instead of a size 20 (gah!)
I have energy - I no longer want to sit on the lounge and do nothing
I eat lots and lots of salad and fruit and love it!
I have gone almost vegetarian and I love that as well...chickpeas and tofu are my friends
I am still a sugar addict and frequently snack on meringues mmmmmmmmmmmm sugar!
I go for long walks with Alex
I play with Alex a lot more, run around and chase him
I feel more confident in social situations
I can now buy clothes based on whether I like them, not just grabbing something that will fit and cover bulges!
I don't have to keep adjusting my clothes because my tummy pushes on them, that sinking feeling when you realise your pants are rolling down because your sizeable gut is pushing on it is NO MORE!
I am proud of myself because I wanted to do this and I am doing it!
I feel proud that I have inspired other people to want to be healthy
I feel like I respect myself more. With the odd wobbly paranoid moment here and there, I want to be healthy so I can do more, as well as look nice in a pair of jeans :)
I feel younger. Fat makes you look old. I'll never forget being a large teenager in a borrowed pair of my mum's jeans on a School excursion to Newcastle. My skinnier friends jogged past a group of cute surfies and I shuffled by uncomfortably. One of the surfies looked at me with derision and said "are you the teacher?". Ugh. Not nice.
I am no longer asked if Alex is getting a brother or sister. I lost count of the number of times someone looked at my plentiful tummy and said "sooo........???" and I had to say "NO I"M NOT PREGNANT". bleah.
I can shop at the following: Cotton On, Sportsgirl, Jeans West and Just Jeans. No more City Chic or Big is Beautiful for me. Fashion for smaller people is so much cheaper. Yay!

One of the things that has kept me motivated is the idea of being in the WW magazine....and I really really want to do that. WW says that I have about 13 more kg to lose....and I really want to make this a reality. I want to have a healthy BMI for the first time in my adult life. I put weight on in adolescence, when I hit puberty. Hurricane Deb errupted and I was horrendous. I was miserable and feeling alone. Food was my friend and comforter. The same thing happened when I hit PND. But now, I don't need to be unhealthy like that. I can be free from the shackles and uncomfortability that being obese and overweight brings. The shame and sense of failure. I no longer hate myself, and I don't think it's all about willpower. I love WW because you can eat whatever you like, within reason. Smaller portions, pick your binge, do some exercise to earn more points. I realised that if I put down the cake and went for a walk, my life would improve. And it so did.

I love Ajay Rochester's books, they're totally inspiring because she has walked the walk and is totally open about it. At various stages throughout this journey I've cracked open her books again and again. I'll finish on this - today I read in a WW book, this quote

"Eating healthily and exercising is Hard. Being overweight is Hard. Pick your Hard".

I love it. Because no matter how I struggle to stay on the moderate eating wagon, I know I never want to go back to the sheer torment of being obese. This is not a battle I'll ever have full victory over, I'll always have a tendency to comfort eat and to be a bigger girl. But with WW, I believe I have learnt a way of being that is truly sustainable for life. And I'll be around for my little boy longer, and model good habits for him. Which is why Ajay did it, and that's what it's all about.

Love and light
Deb :)

great expectations

2010-10-11T19:12:00.000+11:00

Or - not so great expectations, as the case may be!

Being the age of 34, by now I'm starting to realise a few things about myself. I have expectations of people sometimes that aren't fair. I like people to be like me. And when they're not, sometimes I feel hurt and wonder why they're being like that. Crazy, isn't it?

Let me explain. I am a very social person and my idea of hell is being on a deserted island. I like time by myself, don't get me wrong, but I enjoy it for recharging my batteries, and don't like it if it goes for more than a day or so. Being a stay at home mumsy, I find I need to get out and about at least once a day with Alex, so I can interact with others. Otherwise, when Richard comes home, he's nearly knocked over by the barrage of words that comes flooding out of my mouth...."and then I did this, and then I did that, I saw a cat that chased a bird, then Alex did something cute, etc etc etc". Richard is a soul who doesn't really crave conversation in the way that I do, and finds this generally offputting. As you would!

Anyway, I am ok at the developing of friendships. I can be caring and sympathetic, and pride myself on being there for people (hey, I am discovering good stuff as well as bad stuff here!!). But where it all comes unglued is when I haven't heard from someone for a while. Or if I feel like I'm doing all the running. If phonecalls go unanswered and unreturned. I feel hurt, then upset. I feel like I don't matter to them. I've come to realise that I have friends who don't need to communicate as much as I do, who I have to make a point of *not* ringing, because it only upsets me when they don't call me back. They've constantly reassured me that they do love me, but that they know they're crap at keeping in touch. So, these friends, I know are still in my life, if only on the periphery.

The rest of my friends, especially those in the mummy trenches, I kinda like to see at least once a week or once a month. I like to keep in touch with people and find out how they're going. I wish I could be some other way, but if friends continually make excuses or cancel on me then I feel like they don't really want to be my friend anymore. I struggle with those people who get so busy that they can't catch up. I never get that busy. I make time. But I really have to stop expecting my friends to be exactly like me!! I need to just let go and let them have their lives without wondering why that text wasn't returned or that email wasn't answered.

I hesitate to blog about this, because I know it makes me sound somewhat pathetic or neurotic. I have plenty of people who I share my everyday with, but I seem to get caught up in wondering why those "too busy" people don't contact me - instead of focusing on those who do contact me, and those who I see and enjoy time with. This is something I'm going to really work on, because it cost me a wonderful friendship last year. Instead of talking about how I felt, I just got madder and madder, until in the midst of a dreadful bout of PMS, I unleashed a tirade on a dear friend. She was in a very vulnerable place at the time, and has been unable to forgive me. I get that. I know I can be hard work. So I'm trying to get rid of my expectations of others and give them space to be them. It's hard. Cause I want everyone to do what I do - because I'd understand that. I understand myself. Other people? not so much!!

history always repeats

2010-10-08T21:18:00.001+11:00

Parenting is a funny thing. You learn a lot about yourself, and the influences in your life. I realised something big today that I wanted to share.

I was hurrying to go for a bike ride with Alex, was in a rush, and was trying to help him get ready. He wanted to wear his riding gloves, and so I was trying to help him put them on. First try, there was no finger in the pointer finger, second try, there was no finger in the pinky. Third try, the pointer was missing again. Fourth try, the index finger was missing. "Oh for heavens sake!" I grumped. "Alex, what the heck are you doing? Are you even trying?". I saw his little face frown and his eyes take on a sad look, but was so caught up in what I was doing that I didn't take it in. I tried again. "Come on, mate, put your finger in there. It's easy! Come on. What are you doing?" he tried again, very tentatively. And yet again, no finger in the pointer finger. I felt so frustrated "come on, mate" I exclaimed, "Do it properly or don't even try". He dropped his bottom lip and looked like he might cry. Suddenly, I snapped out of the perfectionistic trance that I was in. What on earth was I doing to my little boy, and where had that come from?

I gave him a big hug. "Sorry for being such a cranky mummy. Mummy was being mean, wasn't she? Mummy was cross with the glove, not you". And suddenly, I remembered someone in my young life helping me with my homework, with different things, and wanting me to do it right first time, getting frustrated with me, and giving up on me, or taking my homework off me and doing it themself. This person is a perfectionist, no doubt because of their upbringing, and is much harder on themself than anyone else. But it made me realise how deeply those words, that sentiment had echoed in my little girl psyche. Because, dear reader, I chose to not even try, because I couldn't do it properly. The sentiment echoed through all aspects of my life - through my relationships with guys, through my friendships, through my jobs. All my life I did the bare minimum, only chosing things that I knew I was good at, that I had natural talent at, and avoiding anything that I couldn't do properly. It's probably something to do with my core personality too, being prone to self doubt and needing reassurance. Under those circumstances, someone with a stronger core would have thought "ok, I'll do it perfectly". But I chose underachieving...and unlike Bart Simpson, I was not proud of it. My life until around 2003 was one long shame spiral for the things that I knew I could probably do, but was too scared to try.

I'm so not criticising this person. I love them unconditionally. They worked so hard, and still work so hard, providing for their family. It wasn't unheard of them to do a 40 hour week in one job, to do a couple of shifts at another workplace, and take on other work on weekends. They wanted to give their family the best of everything because that's the way they show love. So no wonder they were tired and frustrated and unable to be patient in every situation. But I know one thing - I'm never going to tell Alex to do it properly or not at all. The fun is in the attempt, and the journey, not the destination.

And the great thing about this massive revelation? That I can change the pattern, because I'm aware of it. I knew I felt like this, but I wasn't sure where it had come from. Now I know. Knowledge is power, particularly self knowledge. You can't change yourself or your life if you refuse to see the unhealthy patterns and exchange them for healthy, loving ones. Admit, accept and change. Courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Love you!
Deb

Depression - an insider's view.

2010-09-30T11:53:00.000+10:00

Guilt - seems to be the emotion of the week this week. I have always been a worrier. A fearful kinda person. I don't believe that anything happened to me to make me like that, I just think it's my inherent personality. I come from a long line of worriers. I'm the kind of person who can't sleep at night thinking about what might go wrong.

Motherhood has unloaded a massive truckload of guilt on me, though. I didnt' want to admit that I had post natal depression when Alex was born, because I didnt' want to have it. I wanted to be a coper. But at the same time, it was waaaaaaaay scary to be his mummy. I don't think anyone can realise until it happens to them, what a huge responsibility it is to be a parent. Suddenly, the buck stops with you. And for a worrier like me, the endless variety of things that could go wrong were almost too much to bear. So I got PND. And I fought it. Imagine the emotional and mental equivalent of a broken leg. You go to a doctor, you go to a psychiatrist. "Fix my leg!!" you plead with them. They try. They give you antidepressants. They give you strategies. And, if you're unlucky, like me - nothing works. The broken leg splinters the more you walk on it. Your flesh is exposed. You're in unbelievable mental and emotional torment. But you're told that it will get better. So you wait. But the wound wont' heal and becomes more agonising. You go to a mother and baby unit, and they tell you that you will have to use your strategies until it becomes better because you are on all the medication you can be. You go home, you try to cope, but every time you talk to someone, you do anything, all you can think about is the agony you're in. Try to look for the positive, they tell you. Try to go for a walk. Ignore the agony. If you were in this much physical pain, surely you'd have a strong painkiller. Yet, you have to live without anything to numb it. You try to self medicate and end up in a psych ward. God has a sense of humour, because no matter what you try, you can't check out of this horror.

In the end, it was as simple as this for me - did I want to live or die? I wasn't going to feel better or like me for a long, long time. But did I really want to deprive my son of a mother, my husband of a wife, my parents of a daughter, and my sisters of a sister? I wanted more than anything to end the unbelievable anguish. I was suicidal for about a year to 18 months. But, in the end I was stronger than it (with God's help). I decided that screw you, depression, I am GOING TO LIVE! So I just got up every day, and did the best I could. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't laugh, I couldn't read. I was less a person and more a collection of horrendous mental agonies. I didn't think I'd ever get better. I didn't believe the people who told me I would. I wished that I had a fatal illness because at least I knew it would END.

But do you know what? it did end. At first, I had a good bit of a day. then a good whole day. Then a couple of good days in a row. Then, without me noticing it, I had a good week. And another. When I fell back into a bad day, it was terrifying, because I thought it would start again and I'd never have a good day. But I did. And when I finally "Woke up" from depression.....my son was 2 and I had to start picking up the pieces of my relationships again. It was very hard. I think that I've only really started to feel like myself this year. My son is 4 now.

So I spoil him sometimes. I'm so guilty that I wasn't "There" for the first two years of his life. Yes, I always loved him. That was one of the things that kept me alive. But I couldnt' always be the mummy I wanted to be. Because I just wasn't able. So now I want to be the best mummy I can possibly be. But I don't want to spoil him. MOtherhood is so hard!!

Anyway - I will end on this - I know this is a heavy post but I wanted to get it off my chest. I'm trying not to spoil him, but I love him so much. Without him, I wouldnt' be the survivor I am today.

Love and peace
Deb xo

You're my world, you're my everything...

2010-09-20T22:49:00.000+10:00

Hello readers!

Yes...I know it's been a while since I blogged. But I've been thinking about it, that's almost the same, isn't it?
well, today was a shocker....I had to come and share about how it felt. Looking after Alex and Richard and the house is my full time job. I"m a stay at home mum and some Monday mornings I wake up and think "ho hum". I feel guilty about not spending enough time playing with Alex, I feel guilty about not spending enough time doing the laundry, cooking nutritious meals, being able to earn money, keeping up with world events, and guilty about how I spend a heck of a lot of time thinking about ME, myself, how I look, what I'm going to wear, what other people think of me.....how much weight I've lost, how many points are in my snack, how many points were in what I ate yesterday, how much weight am I going to lose, am I a yummy mummy yet? Argh, it's all so stupid, what I think sometimes. I just get obsessed with what's in my head and totally lose focus on what's important. The job that I do is important.....and if I'm distracted by ME ME ME, I miss the important stuff.

Today, Alex had a minor collision with a reversing car. I was able to reach him before any real damage was done, he was wearing a helmet and neither he nor the car were going very fast. Still, it was enough to turn my blood to ice. I was just concentrating on getting Alex to hospital to be checked over, and dealing with what had to happen, to get him lunch and to go home and put a load of washing on, to get dinner, to make his bed.

After dinner, when he was in bed, my sister in law rang to ask how Alex was, and how I was. Her sweet, gentle inquiry brought me undone. I was chipper on the phone but after I hung up, it really hit me how precious he is and how sometimes I'm so irritated by countless requests for everything in sight, that I lose focus of how much I love him. Sometimes he becomes an irritation that I want to escape from, and I know that a lot of stay at homers feel like that, but I feel so bad that it took me so long to actually process what happened today. I sat there and cried because he IS so precious, he is such an amazing kid and I love him SO much......and it just hit me for the millionth time how BIG a responsibility it is to be his mummy and how much that freaked me out to begin with, because it felt like it was too much for me to take on. Today, I couldn't get ahold of my mum or Richard, while Alex and I were waiting in emergency to get him checked over. I thought - looks like I have to be an adult - but when do the grown ups show up? It's scary being a grown up. Half the time, I still feel as clueless as a kid, and that I have no idea what I am supposed to do. But, you know what I have realised lately? That's part of being a human/adult/married/a mum...there's no magic moment when you realise, hurrah, I'm here! There's just coping with what life throws at you - that's what makes you an adult. Nobody has a rule book to life (unless it's the bible), and I just have to trust that my best is good enough.

Alex, buddy, I love you. Every night, before I go to sleep, I look at you sleeping peacefully, and can't imagine my life without you. I'm blessed to have you. God, please help me to remember that, and not to get taken over by my crap and the irritation of daily life. Help me to delight in the blessings you've given me and not to take it for granted and want to escape from my responsibilities!! :)

In the right type of mood

2010-07-30T08:40:00.000+10:00

Awwww yeah. This week has been a spectacular dietary fail. Most of you who are my facebook friends know that I"m on a weight loss and health gain crusade - it started in December, when my BMI was 37 and was almost morbidly obese. Since then, I've lost nearly 18kg and my BMI is now around 29, which means that I'm almost overweight and not obese! hurrah!!

Except, last week, I was soooo good.....except for Friday, when the killer flu hit. I've been being Ms activity-pants, and unpacking, cleaning the old house, running playgroup, looking after Alex, sharing babysitting with my friend Marianne, exercising lots and generally being a new improved version of me!! But, on Friday, I had nooo energy. I was supposed to go to Melbourne to see my friend Michele, but I couldn't imagine getting on a train and walking around Melbs in my weakened state. I couldn't even find the energy to lift the makeup brush!! So, I drowned my sorrows in cake. And, on Saturday morning, when I discovered I'd put on nearly a kilo overnight, I decided I was too sick to face bad news. Then, I used feeling yucky as an excuse to eat badly.....I started each day with the resolve to STOP THE INSANITY, but then by about 3pm, was face down in a bucket of slops. Mmm, that's a nice mental image, innit?

So - I weighed in on Monday and discovered that the kilo I'd put on Saturday morning had brought a friend to the party in my tummy and I was now carrying two extra kilos. This put my weight loss back to 15kg :( So, Monday, after my meeting, I ate a Whopper and had a McFlurry to make me feel better. Yeah. writing it down, it doesn't seem to make much sense, but at the time, it seemed like a perfect antidote for the flu and bad mood. Feel bad because you put on weight? why not EAT LARD? mmmm.

Tuesday and Wednesday, I was perfect. Stuck to my points precisely, although with the sniffles and body aches, I didn't exercise at all. Then....yesterday, I decided that I'd have a day in bed, with Alex being in daycare. I haven't done that for ages, and it's all I wanted to do for the past week. But.....instead of going to bed with a good book and some panadol, I took the good book, panadol, box of Delite crackers, damper roll, and slept. Then, I followed that up with a slice of cheesecake from the new Muffin Break here in Kialla. You know the silly thing? It wasn't even nice cheesecake and I didn't like it much. But I ate the whole thing. I guess it goes to show that there are pretty strong "feed me when I'm sick" vibes that I got growing up, and used to self medicate when I've been sick, growing up. Often when I had the flu in Canberra, when I was single, I'd take to bed with chocolate, a magazine and a packet of Starbursts. When I had pneumonia last year, I ate atrociously. Put on about 5 kilos and felt so unhealthy. Do I really want that for myself again? The answer is "no" - but this morning, something inside me said "you weigh in tomorrow, have a DAY OFF AGAIN AND EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT"!!

I think I need to give that voice a whipping, because the only place listening to that voice got me, is morbidly obese, in a pit of shame and denial and extreme unhappiness. It's a struggle. And I think in some way, I gave myself permission to have a few days off, because I have been doing so well. But, normally, once I have a few days off, I can get back on track. But this time, it's been really hard. I know what I want for myself but I don't want to put the work in. And, as we all know, the definition of insanity is to do the same thing and expect a different result. There are always going to be struggles and challenges, but if I let these things dictate my eating, then I can't expect to keep losing weight. In fact, I will put back on weight and soon, be back where I started. I have to learn from this struggle, and to say "ENOUGH" to these negative voices in my head.....to stick to my points and to focus on the goal ahead, to be a good role model to Alex and show him what healthy food looks like.

You know the killer? It's so much easier to eat crap. Good, healthy food takes me a lot longer to prepare and organise. This week, when I have been running on empty, it's been so much easier not to chop up lots of veggies and make a soup with no points for snacks. It's been easier to turn to sugar to give me a lift instead of eating fruit and stuff that will fill me up. I've bought chips twice this week rather than cook a potato. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, but today...I've had two cups of strong coffee, a mental wake up call, and I'm ready to go into battle in the war against my wobbly bits. Self love, here we come!!

I know this is too much information for a lot of people, but I find sharing keeps me accountable. I post on my Facebook account every time I lose weight, but often don't mention it when I gain or stay the same. But, I'm throwing down the gauntlet - this is my struggle and my journey and I'm sure a lot of people are the same. I need to share it if I want to move on and change. Thanks for listening! :)

Just a sucker with low self esteem...

2010-06-15T01:54:00.000+10:00

Howdy y'all.

Well, today finds me reflecting on how touchy my self esteem can be at times.

I have had a sinus infection the past few days, and have also just been in a "stinkin thinkin" kinda mood. Most people who read my facebook page know that I'm on a healthy eating and living kick, and I've been soooo motivated for about five months, and have lost 15 kilos. I've also put on 3 in the past month....but lost two of them, so yay me. Well, it was more like, lose one, put on two, lose one, lose another half, put on one. Which is really demoralising, and I know the reason for it. It's cause I am OVER it. I just want to be at my goal weight now, I am sick of being overweight, I feel like I'm fighting a battle that I keep losing. But, do you know what? I felt like this at the start of my weight loss journey. I really struggled with my focus and wanting to do it...but knowing that I had to and WANTED to, so I could model good food behaviour and a healthy lifestyle to my little boy. I don't want him to have the struggle with food and self esteem that I had, if I can at all avoid it!

So yeah, I've basically been cross with my body cause it's sick, and because it's flabby. Which is unhelpful. I've been trying to combat it by being there for other people and getting involved with things.....I have been making some lovely mummy friends at playgroups and other places, and getting involved with STAG and trying to organise packing. But, it's all been a bit crappy because I was sick and all I wanted to do was sleep..but instead of letting myself be sick, I was cross with myself and kept thinking of all the things that I had to do, like sort out Alex's summer clothes, sort out which of his toys to pack, clean the filthy bombsite of a car, organise myself for the playgroup, fill in forms, tidy up, do a load of washing, sort out the mess that is the paperwork drawer, bla bla bla. I went over to Albury on Saturday with Alex and spent the night and hung out with mum and dad the next day.......and may I say that nobody can do sympathy and care the way my mum can? It was so lovely just to abdicate some responsibility and not feel guilty because mum ordered me to rest!! Dr dad also provided some antibiotics for my sinus infection, which made me feel a little better for actually being sick and not just being a whinger/lazy. But I'm still feeling a bit grey. Blah, like the weather.

I am a whole lot happier with myself than I once was, and am trying not to base my self esteem on people, places and things, but on a sense of contentment and happiness within myself.

The ways that I do this are: being interested in other people, doing things that are outside of me, doing things that I enjoy and am good at, taking care of myself by eating well and trying to exercise, being grateful for what I have, rather than looking at what I don't have, going easy on myself and looking back on the good things that I've done, rather than beating myself up for past mistakes. I've been reading a great book on healing your self esteem, which suggests lots of ways to reward yourself if you're down and needing a pick me up. These include soothing your senses by smelling, tasting, or touching....so today when I felt urky, I went and bought a new (cheap) pair of ugh boots....they looked nice, and feel toasty warm. Then, I went and got a frozen yoghurt from Wendys (within my points!!) .....yummmm.......sprayed my "Hypnotic Poison" perfume, which I just love, and gave Richard and Alex lots of hugs. It almost worked! hehe.

So, what am I going to do? Well, I'm feeling a lot better - I had a good cry over nothing in particular, and I think that's cleansed my mood somewhat. I'm now feeling a bit more able to cope, and have struck a few things off the to do list.......feeling more capable and like this week isn't going to be as much of a struggle. Got a few nice things planned this week as well, playgroup tomorrow, tomorrow night is book club, Wednesday mops, Thursday day off from Alex-ing to do random stuff, Friday dinner club, Saturday church dinner, Sunday Richard's car club presentation. Should be a good un. Now that I've got that all out, I'm going to move forward more positively and work on that attitude of gratitude!!

Love you all!
Deb xo

It's not all about me

2010-05-13T08:42:00.001+10:00

I have to say, I'm a big fan of talking. And I often don't have the filter that other people have. Yes, I've been guilty of the over-share in my life. Big time. But I'm starting to learn the value of keeping quiet.

I have been in therapy for about 10 years...I don't mind admitting it. I've always been prone to depression and talking about it has been an amazing way of going from the scared, immature, broken girl I was at 22 to the content, grown up and accountable woman that I try to be most days. But it hasn't been easy. There have been many layers of thoughts that I've had to sift through, many ugly and frightening beliefs that I've had to challenge and shed. And I'm going to go all spiritual here and say that the only way I've been able to continue along this path is through a belief in a higher power - in my case, God.

It's been an amazing revelation to see that when I continually have problems with people, and get in arguments, the person who I need to look at is the common denominator - me. If I keep having trouble in my workplaces, I need to look at my attitude and the situations that I put myself in. It's been a turnaround to see that most people aren't out to get me, they're just suffering from their own variety of dysfunction. It's been amazing to free people from their pedestals, and to let them be human. My thinking has gone from black and white to shades of grey. I am a perfectionist and get really upset if I don't measure up to my standards, and while this spurs some people on to achieve, it makes me drop out and stop trying. My desire has been to just do the best I can, and to realise that nobody (apart from me ) is judging me. I have also realised that it's unfair to have such high standards of my friends and to persecute them when they don't live up to them. Today I give them space to be who they are.

It's also amazing that, in keeping quiet sometimes, that I can be the one that people confide in, the shoulder that they cry on, instead of being the centre of attention and the one who needs to be propped up.

I had a friend recently ask me about seeing someone to resolve some issues and I realised that this is something I know quite well. I'm thinking about going into the area of counselling, because it fascinates me, the reasons why we do what we do, and the patterns that we repeat in our lives. Knowledge is power, and once you understand why you do what you do, then you have the power to change it. It is painful turning the light onto yourself and examining, but the rewards are...the ability to change behaviour that keeps you trapped. It's amazing.

I'd also like to say how blessed I am to have my wonderful family, and how amazing it is to have such strong, healthy and happy ties with my sisters and my parents. I'm also blessed to be part of an amazing family of inlaws, and have found such great unconditional love in the Hay family. I'm pretty happy and content. (now is the part where I go and have a massive fight with someone..heheheh....pride comes before a fall!)
peace out, homies xoxoxo

ps -if you want to get some counselling about a problem, the best way to do it is to talk to your GP. In Australia, we're lucky to have a very supportive health care program. Your GP can set up a care plan and refer you for 6 visits to a psychologist or counsellor at a reduced rate. Depending on the counsellor's fee structure, these visits may even be free. We are so lucky we live in an age where mental health is so important and its upkeep so well supported. Go Australia! :)

Shorty's like a melody in my head...

2010-03-21T22:47:00.001+11:00

What a weekend.

This weekend, with trepidation and excitement, I set off to my gorgeous friend Tammy's 30th Birthday party. There were bound to be all sorts of cool people there, as Tams is deeply, deeply funky....and I was worried that I wouldn't speak the language. I thought perhaps, that as I live in a small-ish town and don't work for profit, I'd be kinda out of my depth. I haven't visited my Melbs friends much in the past couple of years, things have been busy with Alex and all that, with the recovering from PND thing, and finding my feet in a new town (Sheppo).

It's weird having a child, some people can do it without losing themselves, but I often have a chamelon-like nature. So, I've struggled with being "Deb" and being "mum". Which parts are the immature parts that I don't want anymore, and which parts can I keep? Do I have to wear sensible shoes? Can I still laugh at fart jokes and be generally immature? Is it appropriate to use the slang of yoof, or am I being a try hard? Should I want to talk about tupperware and scrapbooking? Or can I still enjoy celebrity gossip and reading chick lit?

Well, the answer is, the answer is (to quote Winnona Ryder in "Reality Bites")...I don't know. But I'm starting to figure it out. No, I don't have to wear sensible shoes, but it saves time when chasing an errant child. Yes, I can still laugh at fart jokes and be generally immature, but I have to be consistent with my discipling of Alex. It may be somewhat appropriate to use the slang of yoof, although this must be watched, and done with an ironic twist. Nothing worse than being a try hard. I tried to be interested in Tupperware and Scrapbooking, but have realised I'd rather eat dirt. Sorry, ladies, but I just don't get it. And yes, I can still enjoy celebrity gossip and chick lit. I can even join a book club! whee!

So, it's gradually happening, this building of the picture of the real me...like a Polaroid slowly coming into focus. Being involved with STAG has definitely helped, as has finding allies in the trenches of motherhood, a good church, a great psych, and becoming good mates with Mon and Leigh and other STAG-ites.

Back to the weekend. Caught up with my girls, Michele and Tams, and Lucy was there too, which was great. I really enjoyed our chats in the slumber party room. Me, Michele and Luce in three beds across the room. Most of the time, we just chilled out, talking about boys and relationships. I adored it. It's the kind of girl talk that I don't get a lot of time for anymore. Richard and Alex are the people I see and talk to the most, and there's not a lot of satisfying analysis of motives to be had. I also got to hear about men dilemmas and was somewhat cast in the position of relationship expert. I am a bit of a phony, as Richard is only my second relationship, and the only one that's beyond 3 months! It was love at first sight for us, and we've spent a lot of time and energy trying to understand each other. Some days it's easier than others. Mostly, I still think I'll burst at how much I love him and how glad I am that he fell for me, too. But I can remember what it was like to be out there, and to want someone to love me. And how hard it was to get up and dust yourself off when the latest prospect let you down. I know the bravery it takes to keep on crusading for Mr or Ms Right. It's a jungle out there.

I went for long walks (at least an hour, ha!), one by myself, and one with Lucy and Michele. I had breakfast at a beautiful cafe with a gorgeous view all by myself and felt so happy to be alive, that I just beamed. Life is beautiful, when you're content. I was reminded this weekend how wonderful it is to be understood, and to be around people who speak your emotional language, who adore analysis and to whom words are currency. I met Michele's ex, Mark, for the first time, and I really liked him. I liked Jo and Dave, Pete and Rennie, Georgie and Nick, Holly and Daisy, James, Alia and Kip and the other smiley guys around. I though Tammy's parents were wonderful and loved how Linda and Ben made us all feel so welcome. I felt like I was part of a really cool adult school camp. Banter and jokes and innuendo flew around the house at all times. I joined in, I wasn't afraid. I felt like me again, but a new and improved version. I don't have to drink to be this me. I never did, that's the funny thing. The courage to be this me, has been a long time coming.....and it's a precious gift that I am thankful for every day.

Love you all
Deb xoxo

Facebook rehab

2010-02-07T21:34:00.000+11:00

They tried to make me go to Rehab, and I said No No no!

Well, last Thursday my husband Richard and I decided that we were spending way too much time on the internet and, therefore, that we'd go from Thursday night til Friday night without switching the computer on.

This sounded easy, but hurt a lot.
I'd just started a new job that was full time, and didn't really see any other people. I had a meltdown all over my friend Mon because I was detoxing. I had less patience with Alex because I wasn't counting down to logging on. I missed catching up with my friend Kristy because I couldn't get into my inbox. I missed the news that my cousin's pop had died. I missed the social interaction. I missed people knowing what I was up to and commenting on it. I missed being able to vent about a friend of mine (ex friend now, I guess) dropping stuff she'd borrowed off on my doorstep with a terse note, after I haven't seen her for about six weeks. we last left things that she'd contact me. I guess that's a "no" on continuing the friendship.

All of these things on their own wouldn't have made me lose it. But, the stress of the new job, the lack of personal contact, the guilt about returning to full time work, the fear of losing a friend, the guilt of missing my catchup, the worry of breaking down in front of my friends, the feeling of being out of control.....Yeah. I didn't like it. I wanted the internet. But, failing that, I wanted chocolate, or a cigarette. I have given up smoking for about 4 or 3 years now (ok, so I quit 4 years ago but took it up again when I had PND. It was the only thing I could concentrate on!). I am on weight watchers so bulk chocolate consumption wasn't really on the agenda. So...I suffered. Tried to keep myself busy...but it was damn hard!

And here's the other thing I realised. I am a bit of an egotist. I am a bit of an exhibitionist. I enjoy people knowing about my life. I'm big on the over-share. I like to talk about me (in moderation, of course). I think what I've learnt from this experience is, it's ok to share your life with people online. Just perhaps, half an hour every second day will do. So that's what I've decided. It's that old curse word of MODERATION. Yes. everything in moderation, well I don't like MODERATION! I LIKE EXCESS, PEOPLE!!! hehehe. But I'm committed to moderation on the net. we'll see.

ps - I broke our bet on Wednesday evening and it felt sweeter than the first bite of chocolate or first puff of a ciggy. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Internet, how I love you.

progress

2010-01-27T22:12:00.000+11:00

Howdy all
I'm back on the straight and narrow again. I had a few days where I was having some tummy troubles, and I was eating nothing but toast....but on Saturday, after feeling sick all day.....Richard and I went out to dinner....and I only had 4 points left. I thought "I'll just order a salad"....famous last words. I felt too sicky in the tummy to munch on greenery, so decided a plain pizza would suit me a lot better. Woodfired, if you don't mind. Mmm...Cellar 47 does great pizzas. Anyway....18 points later, I've racked up a massive 38 points for the day. Whoops. But....Richard and I went for a walk, and that's got to have burnt off at least 1/2 a point. heheh.

Then, we decided to go for coffee. I am a pest to the coffee chick at McDonalds and ask for a skim decaf cappuchino. (Yes I know that's a really annoying drink to make, but we all know about me and caffeine). But....as I contemplated my order, Richard asked for a piece of cookies and cream cheesecake. Dear reader, I had to have some. So I did. Another 8 points. aiiee!! But, the slip has been stopped and I've reduced my points by 4 each day to make up for the feast. Phew. PLus, I'm thinking that if I just stay the same this week instead of lose weight, that'll be ok. I am still not exercising heaps....I've still been feeling a lil unwell...but went swimming with Alex today and will start again tomorrow.

I was really active today though, went grocery shopping and cooked 3 meals for later on in the week, and figured out all the points and put them in containers with the points on them. I'm stuuuuffed now!

Start my new job tomorrow...wish me luck!!

Ps Novak Djokovic reminds me of Richard, although his honker is a lot bigger. By honker, I mean nose. Ok, I'm gonna stop now. bye!

You've got a friend in me...

2010-01-26T02:35:00.001+11:00

Morning all!
For someone who didn't want to wake up this morning, it seems a little unfair that I'm unable to sleep at twenty past two in the morning. Doesn't it? Hmmm.

I have found that since I've had Alex, I am hyper sensitive to caffeine.....I only have to have one coffee, not even strong, at any point during my day, and I will be completely unable to sleep until the wee hours. And so, when I had a diet coke during the Hi 5 performance today (or yesterday), I shoulda known better. Never mind.

I've been sitting here thinking about various things, tidied the house, finished reading my book, and am still zinging. What I've mainly been thinking about are friendships.

Friendships are interesting, are they not? Any relationship is give and take. Sometimes it's hard not to weigh up who is doing more of the giving and who is doing more of the taking. For the most part, I think I'm a pretty generous friend, although I think one of my weaknesses is definitely the fact that I get super annoyed if I feel like I'm being taken for granted. There are a couple of friends that I have, who aren't very good at staying in touch. I have some friends who are happy to see me or talk to me, yet won't initiate contact. I hate that! There are any number of people who I could choose to spend my time with/on, but when you click with someone, you expect there to be some sort of to and fro, not just one person making all the effort.

It used to really burn me up, and I'd have nasty arguments. These days, I have a simpler strategy. If I feel like I'm being taken for granted in a friendship, I stop trying as hard. These days, I value my time, and am not prepared to waste it on people who can't be bothered. Does that sound harsh? I hope not.....I'm not angry with those people, I've just come to realise that they don't need to communicate as often as I do. I have come to realise that I'm a very social person and I need input from others. I'm not someone who can operate in a social vacuum. The nature of my job at the moment (mothering) means that I often spend chunks of time with just Alex for company, and I crave adult conversation. And...I'm not into having to fight hard to occupy people's friend-scape. Not any more.

Recently, on Facebook, I reconnected with one of my best friends from primary school. We had parted ways in less than ideal circumstances, and she'd responded to my apologetic PM. we had a little chat about where we were at, what our families were doing...and then, when I explained why I did what I did, she stopped replying. Years ago, I would have kept talking and wanting a response, but today....I can see that I don't have to know why she isn't writing back. But...I do have to accept it. Some people chose not to be in my life...and that can be hurtful. Some people aren't prepared to give as much as I want from them, and that can be hurtful. Sometimes, I have expectations that aren't met, and friendships wither and are replaced. I have learnt that I can grieve over these lost friendships for only so long....before I start to feel depressed.

What helps me to move forward is to count the wonderful friends who ARE in my life, the family members who I DO speak to regularly, the people who DO reply to my texts and comment on my statuses. It also helps to get things in perspective to realise that you don't have to be present in someone's life to be thinking about them. But, I do like the people who let me know that they're in my life. That's just how I am. And that's ok....because saying and doing what I feel is me being real about me!!

And now...I'm gonna stop spouting psychobabble and try to sleep!
night all xoxo

Being mama

2010-01-11T23:57:00.000+11:00

What a month.
I'm sitting here at 11pm on Monday night trying to make sense of the past couple of weeks. A little while ago, everything was going along ok....three weeks ago I lost my job. It wasn't the end of the world, as it was a stretch of my abilities - I'd never done a full accounts role before...but I like a challenge and thought I was capable. Nuh uh. Oh well, it gave me more time to get ready for Christmas and our trip to Sydney.
Yes. the one that didn't end up happening.
Alex developed impetigo, which looks a lot like a mosquito bite when it first starts out. Hell, for all we knew, it was a mosquito bite that turned into impetigo. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impetigo

All I know is, he scratched the heck out of himself over Christmas, and only slept a couple of hours straight each night we stayed with Richard's mum in Finley. We returned home to Shep on the 27th of December, with Alex having started on his second set of antibiotics and having two large sores that he'd scratched and scratched, which were covered by dressings instead of mere bandaids.
Thus began my hell of having to change these bandages daily, after his bath so the dressings would come off easier. Sometimes if he saw me coming, he'd run away. We sought advice from my dad (GP) and my mum (nurse) and applied bactroban, betadine, dressings, bandaids, more bandaids, gave panadol, antihistamines......and eventually, graduated to larger and larger dressings, and to pain stop and phernergyn at night so that the poor little man could sleep for more than an hour or two at a time.

I was becoming increasingly desparate and worried about our trip to Sydney. How on earth was I going to cope with his bandages in the heat? I forgot to mention that we were having very very warm days and nights (up to 40 and sometimes not below 27 at night).....which only added to a nice warm moist environment for the Staph infection he now had to reproduce. I sent MMS pictures to mum and dad to get answers and help....we tried so hard to get the infection under control. Richard and I were sleep deprived. Sunday night, I went to bed at 2am after settling Alex and woke at 6.30am because I was so excited about our trip to Sydney.

Monday, Richard took Alex over to see dad so he could check out his sores, and to get mum to help him bath and re-dress the sores. I took advantage of time to myself to pack and catch up with some friends, not catching up on sleep because I wanted to sleep that night. Little did I know.

Richard rang me about 5pm, telling me that he had a letter from dad for the Paediatrican on call, and that we were to go to the emergency room, because his staph infection was way out of control. I felt like a bad mummy - I had only said to Richard the night before that I wondered if we were out of our depth, were we doing all we could do, was this normal? Should we have taken him to the hospital? I guess all I can say is that I had mum constantly on speed dial and that the worsening of his sores was just accepted by us because we kept hoping it would get better. we had no experience of this sort....

Anyhow.....Richard met me at casualty at 8pm. I wish I could tell you we saw the Paediatrican right away, but we all know that things don't work like that. We spent 2 hours waiting in casualty. We spent 1 hour waiting in a cubicle. Eventually alex was given an IV drip, which took 5 people to hold him down, and ended with me sobbing in tears. Poor little Alex was hysterical. that took us to 11.30pm, and we were shown to a new cubicle. around midnight, he was given an infusion of Flucloxacillin, which took an hour. About 1.30am, we were taken to the children's ward. by the time we were settled, it was 2am. Richard left to get some sleep and I eventually settled in the fold out chair/bed by Alex's bed. He was hyper hyper and I had to lay with him until he fell asleep at 3am. He had another infusion at 6am and slept til 9am. I couldnt' go back to sleep after I woke at 6am with his infusion...too afraid that he'd roll over and rip the cannula out of his arm. He's a very restless sleeper.

Richard arrived and took over the day shift whilst I slept. this sort of set the tone for the next few days.

I'd like to say a few things about being in hospital.

- most of the nurses are just wonderful, but there are the ones who are on a power trip, who make inappropriate jokes about your conerns, who ignore you, who lecture you on your three year old's dietary habits. The fantastic nurses just make a horrible experience so much better. The crap ones add to the stress of the situation and made me want to stick a pick axe through their spinal column.

- I hated the out-of-control feeling that hospital gave me - the lack of autonomy. Let me explain. At home, if Alex is fussing, then I can get him what he wants right away....or decide not to give it to him. In hospital, all his food and medicine were logged and handed out by nurses. Who were often very busy with children a lot sicker than Alex. It made me hesitant to ask, but at the same time, I needed the milk/nappy/panadol at the time, not in ten minutes time. Sometimes the nurse I'd ask would forget and I'd have to go and ask again. It was just annoying, cause I'm a total control freak...and I hated having to rely on someone else to get stuff for me.

- being in an isolation room with a rambunctious 3 year old can be, at times, a little slice of hell. Even though I was waking up with his infusions at midnight and 6am (and often not going to sleep in the first place), Alex was mostly sleeping well, and woke each morning full of beans and ready to destroy his toys.

- a tissued cannula (IV drip) is incredibly painful. When a drip comes slightly loose, the fluid from the IV stops going into the veins and starts entering the tissue. I was not aware of this when Alex started to scream in pain at 6am on Wednesday morning. At the ten and twenty minute mark, I had to ask for panadol repeatedly. At the half hour mark, I asked them to do something. they slowed the drip down. Alex and I were both in tears and he was screaming in agony. At the forty minute mark, Nurses were doing handover and one made a joke whilst he screamed in pain about whose fault it was. I had absolutely no idea what was happening to my poor anguished child and nobody told me. At the fifty minute mark, They didn't respond to me pressing the buzzer for about ten minutes, by which time he'd started to writhe around in agony on the bed. finally, after a full hour of intense pain, one of the nurses took his cannula out. She gave absolutely no explanation or reassurance about this, other than to say we'd have to have another drip put in. I was in tears and so upset for my poor son, who'd already been through a lot of trauma even before getting into hospital. When I rang my mum, who is a nurse, she told me what a tissued cannula is, and why it happened. A day nurse finally gave Alex some sympathy. Another nurse told another mum that he was spoilt and not in pain. Fabulous day.

One good thing came out of this, I watched Alex's cannula like a hawk, and if he started to cry or be in pain, I vowed that I would make them remove it at once. At midnight on Friday night, he started to cry. The nurse advised me she'd slow it down. Still, he cried. I buzzed and the nurse told me that they'd stop it and try again later when he was asleep. No. No no no! I said "no. I want you to take it out now. I'm sorry, but I don't want him in any more pain". Luckily I had a supportive nurse, but I was prepared to get shouty if I had to. That's just what being mama is about.

So, here I sit, two days after his discharge from hospital. Alex has to be kept away from daycare and too much contact with other children. At the moment, I am not taking him to be around any children until I have the all clear from the Paediatrician. This is for the other kids' sake, but also for Alex's ....if there is any chance of him catching something else while his immune system is down, I absolutely don't want to take it.

but...as a result, I have cabin fever. I feel very restless and I want to work! But...I also know that most of the office admin jobs are full time and I want to be home with him at least a few days a week. I miss him too much when I work full time. So, what's a girl to do? Try and blog about it, make a list of fun stuff to do with him, count my blessings. Recover from the lack of sleep and try to be normal again. Stop having expectations of friends and family to come to my rescue. My life is mine and God's responsibility. Nobody else owes me a living.

Oh..and I'm gonna....eat a lot of carrots. No points!
Love you all
Deb xoxo

ps - google images came up with a pic of how his sores looked. this is similar, although his were all over one of his legs and on his face. poor monkey!

Kinda gross skin thingy...don't click if squeamish!

Pneumonia and Georgy

2009-11-01T13:56:00.005+11:00

Pneumonia. I have it. But it's getting better.

What else has happened? Hmm, I worked full time for a month...but found it very very difficult with home responsibilities, and coming down from being in the play "Inheritance". Can I just say how much I loved being in Inheritance? First of all, I got to make some great friends, I got to do something I love (acting) and be a really challenging character. It was soooo funny backstage at this play - some plays, the actors just show up, do their stuff, and go. There's not much camaraderie and you don't feel you really crack the surface with the other actors. Not so with this play.

For a start, there was the chance to work again with Deb Hall and John Head, who both make me laugh and are awesome. I got to fight with both of them, and the faces that John would pull in one of our scenes made me lose it on many an occasion. There was even one performance when I sniggered slightly, then pulled myself up. JH also provided the idea for one of my killer lines - "awww...isn't that sweet? BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Each night, as I screeched this into poor Joyce's ear, I knew that backstage Mon and Leigh would be cracking up.

Fiona was an amazing director, providing crucial blocking, character ideas and inspiration....I found her direction so insightful and comforting, because you knew exactly where you stood. No second guessing.

I got the chance to work with Dale Jenke for the first time, playing his horrible (fish)wife, screeching at him and calling him a loser!! hehe. It was so fun, Dale is a real joker and saying "GOOOD TIMES" and "OH YEAH" after walking off stage became a habit for cast and crew alike. I loved the chance to work with Joyce and Anne, and the gorgeous Brian Gill....he is a very special man and will always be like a member of my family.

I loved my goils, too.....Kate and Sian, fighting over skirt lengths, yelling at them and generally being horrid. Loved giggling backstage after I'd told them to "GET IN THE CAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRR!!". These two chicks are totally gorgeous and destined for great things. so much talent!

It was very exciting to work with a professional actor, and Isaac Drandich was such a sweetie - he even told me it was great to work with me!! I was so thrilled, it was a bit nerve wracking the first time he saw us perform, but I really think that it made us bring our A game, and that the production was the better for it.

Leah and Monique were always making me laugh - Mon and I were thrilled the day that we discovered that we shared a passion for the young ones! Now I pester her all the time with random texts about sillliness. Being immature is one of my greatest joys and I have people to share that with now! hehe. Leah and Amanda are the bestest backstage crew and I loved the chance to work with them again.

I love theatre because you become like a little family, the week before and during production are so full on that you form stong alliances and get to know and love each other. It makes living in shepparton sweet, because I feel like I now know "my people", the arty farty set!

Anyhooo - the job. It was pressure-ful and demanding and not altogether fair. But, I feel I handled it really well, apart from a teary outburst on my last day. I met a lovely girl, Jo......and have become facebook friends with Mel because of it. I really like Mel, and it was great to find out that I wasn't the only one!

I'm in the process of finding a coupla day a week job, and getting back to health. Have been so sick for about a month that I didn't do anything, see anyone or write, watch tv, anything. It was awful....but I think what I needed to just have some me time and review.

And now, the Georgy awards! Well, I'm going to be brutally honest and say that I wish I'd have won a Georgy last night - because I am vain, hehe...and because I would have liked a chance to get up there and thank my gorgeous family and new friends. 3 years ago I was severely depressed and couldn't see how I would ever truly live again. Today I live in glorious technicolour, with a fabulous husband, beautiful boy, I feel truly blessed. I agree that a nomination is cause for celebration in itself!! Last night I dressed up and felt beautiful and comfortable in my own skin. It's been a long time coming - my teens and twenties were full of angst, and now I feel happy to be me, and happy to be where I am. Contentment rules.

Love you all.
Deb xoxo

Long time between blogs.....and up before 6am!

2009-08-31T05:56:00.003+10:00

Good morning all,

Well, it's extremely early and I only went to bed at 12.30...what the heck am I doing up at this insane hour? The answer is, changing a wet little boy's sheets and clothes, and stressing about my new job!! Eeeek!!

Let's put this into a bit of perspective - I have been doing the whole "let's hand it over to God" thing, and trying just to sleep and not think about what lays ahead, but let's face it, I have been not sleeping the night before important events since my first test in primary school. Always been just a leeeeeeeeeeedle bit of a worrier.

But I think in this instance that I might have due course. I was working a very reasonable two day a week job, but was getting worried that I'd get bored. I had been relieving another woman's position, and it was very busy, and I was enjoying the challenge. I started to miss being important.......one might say my pride was telling me that I needed some more validation in my job. I didn't really stop to think about the play being on in 2 weeks and that I'd be super busy with that. I wanted a new job and I wanted it noooooooooooooooow (the usual time I want most things....oh, and if not now, on MY TERMS, than you very much, God!!)

So...this job offer plopped into my lap. A friend from work put me forward for it, and I thought I pretty much had the job. Turned out, I had to interview for it, and the more they thought about it, the more I became convinced that I NEEDED THIS JOB!!!! So I did the best interview I possibly could, did my research and said all the right things, most of which were true. After that, it all happened pretty fast. I gave my notice, trained my replacement, had my farewell morning tea and thought about all the things I could buy with my pay....heheheh....good priorities!!

On the weekend, I had some training and started to have second thoughts. The good thing, is that they have built into the contract that I signed a get out clause for both of us, after one week we will both give feedback and see if we want to continue. I guess they realise that the job is pretty full on, as they've had a couple of women in the position who have had to leave because of the stress.

Ok...so my reservations are:
- the hours are long, and from what I can understand there is a lot of unpaid overtime, on weekends and after hours. I simply don't have this time up my sleeve - I want to be able to leave work at 5pm to pick up my boy and have quality time with him. I'm committed to 8.30 til 5pm but am concerned that there is a work ethic of working til the job's done. I simply cannot do this.
- there is a lot of abuse coming my way!! Dealing with very irate customers is part and parcel of this job. Typical reception/call centre procedure dictates you are allowed to disconnect callers if they repeatedly abuse you. I asked if after a few warnings, I'm allowed to disconnect if people are verbally abusive. I was told "you never hang up on a customer!". cripes.
- I have a sinking feeling that there is a drinking culture within this company. Something tells me this, although I have no proof.
- there is a lot of swearing and stuff that goes on. I don't mind a good swear now and again but not so much in the workplace.
- I am really quite concerned about how I am going to cope with the pressure. In the interview I said I coped well with pressure, and this is true for the most part....but I haven't had to cope with workplace pressure for a long time and I'm unsure as to how I"ll go.

So there you have it. I suppose I really have to front up this morning and see how I go. The bad news is that I already notified centrelink about the increased pay that I'll be getting in this job, so our childcare will skyrocket. If I do finish up at the end of the week, I am worried that I won't be able to get another job and will be forking out $200 for childcare with no way of paying for it. I am also a bit in favour of not continuing in the job, as production week (next week) is scarily busy and I really don't know how I'm going to handle the new job and the long hours of rehearsal.

Writing about this has really helped me, I have been laying in bed trying to rationalise my feelings, but setting them out in front of me has helped to clarify them. I think what I'll do is go to work and see how I go, then raise my concerns with my disability support worker - that's what she's there for!! I am sure they'll be supportive if I feel I can't cope, and will have some options. There is no shame in doing what's right for me. There is shame in staying in a situation because you're afraid of what people might think of you. So, yeah. Go me. I might even like the job!!!

Thanks for listening and I'll keep you all posted.

Deb :)
ps - the play is going fabulously and I'm relishing the juicy role of Maureen Delaney. She's such a baaaaaaaaaaad woman. I love our cast and I just laugh a lot of our rehearsals. I'm so looking forward to performing. See you at Inheritance!!http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=690232291&ref=profile#/event.php?eid=161084659304&ref=nf

Perth!

2009-06-07T19:06:00.003+10:00

Well, as most people reading my Facebook page would know, the family and I headed over to Perth about a week ago for Nanna (Mum's mum)'s 90th birthday! Me, Alex, my sister Angela, Mum and Dad, my sister Jen, her hubby Ben and their kids Annelise, Zach and Elijah.

Ang, Alex and I were most kindly accommodated by Mum's brother, Jeff and his lovely wife Jenny, daughter Hayley and dog Gemma. hehe. Mum and Dad stayed with Nan and Jen, Ben & co stayed at an apartment in Scarborough for four days, two nights with a family friend somewhere in the sticks, and the remaining three nights with Jeff & Jen.

Friday, we all arrived, Angela had taken a flight from Sydney a little earlier and was waiting for us. We collected the car and all piled in, and went and had dinner at Nan's with a massive Abbott family gathering......... Jeff, Jen, Hayley, as well as their other kids Tracey, Tracey's hubby Rob, Clint and his fiance Adele, and their five kids Kyeran, Ayden, Chloe, Chelsea and Shelby....Ange, Mum & Dad, Alex & I, Nan, of course, it was a full house! Cam, Jeff & Jen's son, was working late at Hugo Boss and didn't arrive til 9pm (or 11pm est!)......

Alex was doing pretty well but hadn't had a sleep all day or much of a rest and absolutely lost it around 8ish, so lovely Clint dropped us home to Jeff & Jen's and I got Alex to bed, then cracked out the tracky pants and made myself a cuppa. Ang and Hayley arrived home not long after and we chatted for a bit before all heading for bed. We slept pretty well, Alex woke a few times and was up at 5.30am (7.30 est)...so i dressed us, grabbed the stroller and went for a walk around the shops....only to discover that west australian shops, eg safeway and coles, don't open til 8!! Oh the humanity, as I was so used to Shepparton shopping kicking off at 7am and was thinking I could kill a few hours with a leisurely walk around. Oh well.

We grabbed a coffee for me and a mcmuffin for alex and found a park further up beach road, and had a good play, made a sandcastle and went on the swings. We headed back to the Warwick grove Centro (Ang and I were sure that it was a Westfield, even though mum assured us it wasn't. She was right. Damn it!! hehe)...and met up with Angela for a coffee and a browse through the now open Coles.....got a call from Mum and Dad and met them at the Gloria Jeans. Hilarity was had by most, with Ang and Dad giggling over Glomesh - dad had found a bag at nan's and was quite taken by it. I was a bit of a grumpy bum as I hadn't had quite enough sleep and tried to join in but was a bit vague. Alex and I walked back to Jeff and Jen's and Ang, Mum, Dad and Alex headed out to see Jen & Ben and co. I headed off to a meeting and grabbed some lunch at the Centro. Bought some flowers for Jeff & Jen to say thanks and met the crew back at Jeff & Jens. Ang went off for a sleep as she had the flu and Alex played outside for hours on a plastic bike, whose wheels made a delightful sound on the concrete bricks. After two hours I ordered him inside and we cleaned up for dinner..yummy Tacos made by Hayley, with the assistance of Ang and I.........and I can't even remember what we did on Saturday night. Ang? Anyone? I think we all tried to have an early one as Nan's birthday lunch was the next day.

Sunday dawned bright and clear and Alex slept til 8am, what a good boy! I was a bit sleep deprived and weepy, premenstrual as all heck. I was also a bit stressed out as there are a lot of knick knacks and breakables at Jeff and Jen's and I was determined that Alex and I were on our best behaviour, so I felt quite unable to leave him alone at all times, was watching him like a hawk and even taking him to the toilet with me! I didn't feel that I could impose on Ang as she was sick with the flu and I was trying to prove to everyone that I was accommodating and mature and didn't have a hint of control freakery or PND residue. As a result, when Ang and Dad and I went for a walk I snapped at Ang, then burst into tears, and a tirade about how difficult I was finding it and how I missed Richard and was afraid of not being able to do this. We all went to the park and I pulled it together for Nan's par-tay. Much fun was had, although I must admit that I hardly spoke to anyone as I was trying to look after Alex and make sure he didn't destroy the fancy restaurant. Wasn't particularly child friendly but the food was delicious and I gave up all thought of healthy eating and tucked in with gusto. Alex started to lose it and was showing signs of tantrum.....so I got Ang to drop me home (stupidly I had told mum & ang that I didn't care if I drove or not, so they didn't add me to the hire car list. Again, with the trying too hard to not be control-freakery!!)...and had a little rest. I think Alex slept for a while, or maybe he just lay in bed and went "la la la"for an hour (yes, I think that's what happened)

The hordes then arrived at Jeff & Jen's and everyone played for hours, was lots of fun. I got my second wind and stopped being a grumpy bum. People started to leave and Alex headed off to bed early. Hayley, Ang, Jeff & Jen and I all sat down and watched some telly, eating some yummy mini pizzas that Jen made.

Monday, Ang, Hayley, Cam, Alex and I went to play mini golf and then to the Margaret River Chocolate Factory. It was lots of fun, although I can say that I wouldn't recommend mini golf to anyone under 4. It was a bit of an exercise in frustration, although there are lots of cute photos of Alex playing mini golf. I was a bit grumpy, but trying to be Zen about not getting to play and spending my time retrieving the ball for Alex and trying to ensure that he didn't destroy the golf course with his swinging golf club! The chocolate factory was a big hit though!! I saw the most revolting thing I saw all holiday, a revolting woman with a massive paw-full of the sample chocolate ramming handfuls of the stuff into her gaping maw. Quite disgusting, as they're sposed to be samples that you try, not grab entire paw-loads of and shovel into your gob as quick as possible. And besides, I only do that in the privacy of my own home. hee.

Monday lunch, we met up with Jen & ben and others at Nan's house for her unofficial birthday lunch......and large quantities of lunch and the delicious creamy sinful cake were consumed. mmmmmm... We then journeyed home to J&J's and the cousins (Jen, Ben, Ang, Hayley, Cam and I) all cleaned up for a night out, with the grown ups (Mum & Dad, Jeff & Jen), looking after the kidlets. We went tenpin bowling, with me insisting that everyone make up funny names on the bowling screen. I was "farty". heheh. We then went on for a lovely dinner at the local Italian, where pizza and pasta was consumed. The highlight of the night was after dinner, when Ang and Hayley won a large spongebob squarepants from the skilltester machine!! We buckled him into the kiddie seat and set on our way, singing Spongebob squarepants as we went!

Tuesday, all the kids and most of the adults had their hair cut / coloured by the talented miss Hayley. Alex cried all the way through his haircut, but Zach, Annelise and Elijah enjoyed theirs. I was still stressing a bit, I love being around my neice and nephews but I find it a bit full on, being only used to looking after one. A misunderstanding led me to lose the plot and say "I'm taking alex for a walk!!".. I headed off in tears and was wondering what the heck was wrong with me. I started to realise that I was feeling impotent and out of control, as I had no transport and kept having to rely on others to do what I wanted to do. I was also trying way too hard to be "nice"and "perfect", and getting a bit worried about Wednesday, when everyone was going to have a day to themselves, and Alex and I were going to be stuck at home. I hate being stuck at home. I'm a get out there and do stuff kinda gal. So, I decided I'd hire a crappy car for a coupla days. This proved a little difficult as I don't have a credit card (only Richard does, and with good reason too!).....but I found one and Alex and I took a taxi to pick up our Adventure Car (as Alex and I called it) We came home and I apologised to Haylz and Ang for being a moody cow, and explained that I'd felt trapped...but now had my freedom. Yay! Hayley did my hair and Alex actually had a sleep. Double Yay!! Ang also had a sleep to kill the flu bugs.

Tuesday night we had a girls night in and had yummy indian and watched Marley and Me. I cried again, and Ang didn't cry at all! I accused her of being inhuman. hehehe. A joke, I swear!

Wednesday dawned and Ang headed to the westfield for pamering, Muz & Wad went to the cemetary to visit Grandma, and Alex and I went to Toddler Town, out in Morley.....and stayed there for three hours. It was fantastic and we had the best time. Wish there was something like that here in Shep

We then went out to Hilary's for an icecream and to look at the beach and boats. While we were out there, mum rang and said she'd booked us into the Harbourside apartments there as she felt that I'd enjoy myself more with some space ....gee, am I that obvious?? hehe. I would have probably coped with Ben and Jen and kids and Alex and i staying at J&J's but might have struggled, so this was soooooo thoughtful and lovely of mum and dad. We called in to see Mum and Dad at Nan's and Alex fell asleep in the car, and didn't even wake up when I transferred him to the bed. I ran over to J&J's, packed a case for Alex and I and journeyed over to Hilarys.

I accidentally locked myself out, with Alex on the inside, while I was trying to bring all the bags in. He was getting quite upset and it took ages for me to find the right number to ring for after hours (probably about two minutes!)....the lady was wonderful, and flew down the stairs to open the door so I could be reunited with a tearful boy. It was such a beautiful apartment.....and it was so nice having some space, although i felt a little lonely. hehe....be careful what you wish for. I quickly recovered with the pay tv and some chocolate. Yes, all idea of healthy eating on holiday was definitely abandoned.

Thursday, Ang, Mum and Dad had offered to take Alex, Zach, Annelise and Elijah to the zoo so that the adults could have a child free day. We jumped at the chance and dropped kids off at 10am. I was all set to get a pedicure but as I drove off, decided to buy some flowers and go visit grandma's grave. As I drove around Subiaco, Nedlands and Claremont, it took a little while to find a shop to buy flowers in, and by the time I found Grandma's grave, it was midday. Jen and Ben rang and we arranged to meet up in Subiaco. I went to Dalkieth - Grandma and Grandpa lived there most of their lives and I'd spent many happy summers there.

I had dressed up for the day, luckily, as Dalkieth is rather hoity toity these days. Felt comfortable sauntering into the coffee shop and ordering a large decaf skinny cap. I think cappuchinos are supposedly passe these days, but I'm going retro. So there! Met up with Jen and Ben and Cam and had a yummy lunch in Suby........a little browsing, then a scenic drive along the coast, and to Cold Rock at Hilarys for more icecream for the whole gang.

I had to take my little crappy Pulsar back to the shop by 4.30, so Cam met me there and we all drove home. Alex was very tired after his long day at the zoo, as were Mum, Dad, Ang, Zach, Annelise and Elijah. Everyone came over to Jeff and Jen's for a roast but Alex was set for a tiredness tantrum and I asked mum to take me home.....taking a delicious plate of roast back to the apartment with me. Alex was asleep within 20 mins and I sat up reading til 11pm.

Friday morning Alex and I had some choc chip pancakes on the Wharf as a last hurrah, then walked around and got some provisions for the plane ride home. Mum picked us up and we checked in to our flight and spent some time at the airport. Dad is terrified of being late for a plane, and doesn't travel well, so we arrived two full hours before we were due to board the plane....two and a half before we were due to fly out. Never mind. A misunderstanding and a spilt coffee got the morning off to a bad start, as Alex was being very cranky (not unlike his mummy)...and the emotion of the trip wasn't lost on any of us. I apologised for being cranky (a recurring theme to the holiday) and we jetted off to Melbourne. All in all, a fairly successful holiday and I think I did pretty well without my hubby, although I had lots of support from family......all in all, I think I tried to be responsible, adult and aware of the effect my actions had on others....and I believe I was successful a fair bit of the time. yay, progress!

That's all folks.....back to reality and about seven or so days til Richard returns. Mum, Dad, Alex and I all managed to pick up some degree of bug on the plane, and I spent Friday and last night in Shep by myself, felt ok Friday night but yesterday was suffering from a yucky tummy bug. Today Alex and I had to come over to Finley for Roree's party, and as I was still suffering, lovely Mum took Alex to the party. Tonight we're camping at mum and dads, where I write these words to you.....waiting for damn Facebook to upload mum's photos.

March and April 2009

2009-04-21T19:51:00.005+10:00

Wow, so.....it's been about six weeks since I've last blogged...I keep thinking that I should, but it's so much easier just to do random quizzes on facebook and comment on other peoples statuses, then refresh the page to see if they've responded to my witty comments...hehhe. I do so have a life!!

Well, I went to Portarlington with Richard and his work in late March, that was fun...I was stressing heaps about it because it was going to be a bit of a boozy weekend away..... Went to a few meetings beforehand and went away armed with a lot of numbers and the meetings list. Actually managed to attend one whilst I was away, most of the boys were go-carting and the women had taken a bus to Geelong, so I hopped along ....then went and spent some quality time shopping and enjoying Sumo Salad! I wish they had a branch here. Richard and I really reconnected on the weekend away and I'm glad that I didn't let my fear stand in the way of going. Here is a pic:

Then, the weekend after that I headed off to sunny Canberra and had a lovely short visit with Laura and Luke, catching up with Megan, Deb and others, and the lovely Margs. Stocked up on some books at Canty's (wish I could go there every weekend) and went to the Fyshwick markets...has to be done. Lots of remeniscing and "oh yeah, remember the time that I got drunk on that corner".......but also "remember how sad and lonely I felt".....and then "wow, I'm a really different person to the one who left here 5 years ago. I mean, really really different. Less afraid and more patient and stuff". (on a good day anyway)

I came home on an absolute high. And you know what they say about highs...what goes up, must come down. And down I came, spectacularly, just in time for Easter at my parents!!

Had an ok weekend, was great to see family, Richard's brother Tim has got engaged to a lovely girl called Squish..it's awesome. Tim is great and Squish is wonderful, it's so awesome when you see two people so in larve preparing for their lifetime together. Ahhhh. Sister Jen and hubby Ben threw a party for Elijah's first birthday party and I got to see a lot of peeps I hadn't seen for a while. Also caught up with Katy and Roree and Sara and Allison, which was great for me and for Alex. Had some quality talks with mum, she is such a soldier. Always thinking of someone else and always there for me. I had a moment last night when I realised that I must have caused her to shed some tears over the years. I thought of Alex doing some of the things I'd done and reduced myself to tears!

We had a busy schedule of social events and I ended up having a big fight with *someone* and spending a lot of time crying. Oh well, says she, proof positive that I haven't changed that much....and can still go back to that scared little person if I let my guard down or get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. A shame, cause I was thinking I was superman before that!

Spose that's the point though - it's not all good or all bad, it's somewhere in between. Just because I get tired or make a mistake doesn't mean that I've failed. So, since then I've been deciding to do what I am passionate about and get involved with others. For me, depression lies in staying home all the time and only thinking about myself.

So....I have redoubled my efforts in finding a job, have applied for 3 with scary long selection criterias....and kept in regular touch with temping agencies.....with an excellent result! Had a phone call today and I'm going to do two days of temping with an accounting firm here in shep, taking the minutes and typing them up for one of their meetings. Oooher! I was excited but felt a sense of "holy crap, can I do this?"......The one thing that my recovery has taught me is to be humble and gracious (as I said, not all the time), and whereas before I would have walked in the door thinking I was hot sh*t and they were lucky to have me deigning to work with them.....now I'm a little less full o myself. I'm sure it will be fine though...I have done minute taking and writing before and I haven't ever had any complaints. None that I listened to, anyway, hehe.

I have also dropped out of uni.....for the third time in my life. hehe. There's a funny story to do with uni. Whenever I find myself unsure about what to do in life, I always think "I'm gonna study!".....and I always, always, always wish that I was working instead of studying. I hate it. I just don't get it and I don't want to do it. I started with this study skills unit and it was really hard and we had to summarise a text on really dense, heavy subjects. It brought back sitting in a lecture hall at ANU in 1994, panicking, and thinking "I DON'T WANNA DO THIS!!!".......I may be a thinker, but I'm not academic or analytic enough for uni....perhaps not disciplined enough either. Plus, you have to do so much of it by yourself - I much prefer being around people and talking and all that jazz.....ruminating at home by myself isn't much fun for me. I wanna get out there and live, live people!!! hehe. So I feel at peace with it and have told myself to remember this feeling the next time I think "I want to study"...recognise if I am really interested in what I'm thinking of studying, or am I just using it as a plug for a hole elsewhere in my life?

I have had two mega-awesome outings with Alex. On Sunday, my friends Kellie and Glen organised a boat cruise along the Murray river at Echuca. It lasted 2 hours and I was a little worried about how Alex would cope (Richard was racing at Wilby Park so couldn't mind him), and though he cried a little, he was mostly really happy and I felt that we both managed it well.

Just to test my endurance, Alex and I also travelled to Melbourne today, drove to Seymour and caught the train to Melbourne (for the grand price of $10.20 return), met up with the lovely Laura and her lovely sis Katherine......bought some shoes, ate some food.......it was great. Managed Alex's moods well, even managed to hold a conversation with Laurs while Alex was leaping all over me in one of his hyper modes. Not sure what Laurs thought of it all..... She is looking lovely, they say pregnant ladies bloom, but this hot mama takes the cake. I'm so excited for her and Luke. I hope their baby has ginger ringlets. I love ginger hair on kiddies.

Today also will go down in history as "the day I stopped eating icecream when I was full, even though it wasn't all finished". Yes, historians will talk about this day for years to come, and students may even write essays on it. Ha!! Feels like my relationship with food is getting better and I'm realising that overeating is symptom of unhappiness and eating til over-ful a bad habit. I also want to model good food habits for Alex. Read a great book by AJ Rochester and she has a whole chapter on the impact of your weight battle on the kiddies. It has really hit me how often I take the easy option and compromise Alex's health. Really want to kick a goal in this area, don't want my boy to struggle with his weight the way his mummy does.

So....for now, that is all. I hope to update you a little sooner than my last post. Hope you are all well, I feel tired but very blessed and very happy.

People...who need people.....are the luckiest peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeople..

2009-03-09T22:19:00.003+11:00

I'm having a Barbara Streisland moment....

This past week and a bit, I have:
-enrolled in a Bachelor of Communication at the Open Uni and started my first 800 word essay
- had a 3 person panel job interview for a job I really really wanted
- reprised my role as "Vera" in the STAG Production of "Brassed Off"
- attended a number of 12 step meetings
- felt blessed
- enjoyed the company of friends and my lovely husband and gorgeous boy Alex
- had a yucky throat infection
- discovered that due to a misunderstanding with Centrelink, apparently I've been overpaid and owe them money. Grr!
- obsessed over Robyn's "With Every Heartbeat", after seeing her perform live on BBC1's live concert on ABC2...and also realising that this song is part of Body Jam 39...

Ok, enough with the dot points (or dash points, I should say). Man, I am really realising how much more confidence I have in myself...it is a fantastic thing. I am love love loving living in Shepparton, even though I miss my extended family.....I feel like I'm slowly making my own family here.

I went for a job interview and while I was there, my friend Marianne looked after Alex...I went in there and thought that even though they may not give me the position, that I want to be honest about what has happened in my life over the past little while, and talked about my Post Natal Depression and how I feel that it's given me empathy towards those who are suffering, and my battle with alcohol and how that has given me the ability to understand people who struggle.

I came back to the ladies bible study that Marianne hosts on Thursday, picked up my little boy, went and sat at the table and when it was prayer time, I said to them that I was so filled with JOY! I was so overjoyed that I was able to attend an interview and do my best, whatever the outcome. I just really felt that I had left my future in God's hands.

That doesn't mean that I didn't take it out of his hands the next day, stressing about what I was going to do, worrying about the new crappy forms that centrelink wants us to fill in fortnightly......etc etc. But I'm happy to say that at this stage of the week, I feel like the ball's back in his court again. Phew! It feels good to leave it there....to know that he is in control, not me. So many fantastic things have happened this year that I couldn't have imagined and I just have to trust him and hang on!!

Lots of love to you all, especially my new Brassed Off family. Love love love!!

So, so cranky.....make it stop!

2009-02-27T10:37:00.002+11:00

Hi all,

So I'm working really hard on my recovery from depression, trying to get the housework done, help people out and do the things I need to do......I am trying to eat well, get exercise and look after my gorgeous son.

But this week has been a never ending cascade of crankery from me. Maybe I've been trying too hard? I have had savage pms and been very annoyed with people who request things from me.....I have rung up people to request things and been annoyed when they don't listen.....I have offered people lifts and then got annoyed when they commented on the state of my car (Clean for once!!)......I have totally lost it with Alex's tantrums.

My way of dealing with it has been to write about it, talk to friends about it and to go to 12 step meetings. But somehow, underneath each layer of crank, is more crank. I mean, I now feel as if all I want to do is go to bed and lie there until the cranky goes away.

This morning I was taking Alex to music classes, I had rung up on Wednesday to check when they were on and the guy wasn't listening to my question.......I got a bit cranky and today when I went in apologised. Anyhoo...turns out that because he hadn't listened to me, he'd given me the wrong information and the classes didn't start for another two weeks. I was really trying not to lose my temper, when Alex grabbed a bubble blower from a "Book of the Week" dispenser thingy (you know those book sale things they sometimes have in offices?)...and he absolutely lost it when I tried to explain to him calmly that he couldnt' have it and to put it back. I tried to tell him about the music classes and distract him, but he just threw himself to the ground and tantrumed all the more.

I was getting so over the situation and even though the lady said we could sit in on the large class this week, the thought of looking after my cranky boy who is so clingy and shy at the moment that he clings to my leg and almost makes me fall over, won't co-operate or do anything I want him to, even with coaxing and cajoling.......I can't carry the nappy bag properly because he wants to be carried everywhere, he cries and carries on if I try to make him walk....it drives me insane. So I ended up saying "I'm sorry, he's just had a tantrum and I don't believe that should be rewarded", getting in the car and driving home.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr so over this mothering thing today. Give me five seconds where I can just do what I want! Which is, nothing! I need a holiday!

Weird

2009-02-16T13:01:00.002+11:00

Hey yaaaaaaaaaaa....

I've had a bad food week this week, so decided to go see Toenail ferguson this morning and weigh in, get the bad news and get back on track. Only...there wasn't any! I had lost another 1.2kg....taking my weight loss to 4.9kg in 4 weeks, woooooooooooo! So I'm confused, this week I was a little naughty, I lost weight. Last week I was well behaved and stayed the same. Care to let me in on the deal, body? Hmmmm....anyway...so I must behave well this week or otherwise I shall definitely reap the rewards of my sloth.

I'm in a good place today......feeling good and getting lots done. Right now, though, I'm going to go have a rest for at least 2 hours. Dinner is made and I am tired.

Peace out, homies! :)

Bogged blog

2009-02-12T19:51:00.002+11:00

Hi all,

Well I have been doing Tony Ferguson for just over three weeks and I've lost 3.7 kilos so far. I started doing the Progress version, instead of the really hardcore version, cause I needed more carbs for energy, running after a 2 year old and being in the play.

Week 2, I thought I would have to go off it so just watched what I ate, and still lost a kilo. This week just gone, I was very disciplined and packed nutritious salads and stirfries for my dinners whilst at rehearsal and doing the show - http://www.stagtheatre.com/shows/2009_brassedoff.html

Also, while doing the show, it was in the high thirties or low forties each day, the aircon wasn't quite working, we were under stage lights, and wearing jackets and winter clothing. I thought, for sure I'm going to lose weight this week. My weigh in was yesterday and not a sausage. Nil, zip, nada. I was very discouraged and dealt with it by eating a mini quiche and a donut. I also went to Body Jam, but I don't think they quite cancel each other out.

Today I awoke with the best of intentions, had my shake and veges for breakfast, then went to bible study. I'm allowed a large freddo frog 4 times a week to nip cravings in the bud, so helped myself to a chocolate chip muffin (small). It was so small that I thought I should probably have another one to make up to a whole large freddo. The third one slipped down without a thought. I then had a slice of bread with some mince at Marianne's, some salad, two more mini quiches when I came home, a pita pizza for dinner and a small fruit bun.

I am now groaning with carbs and feel quite ill. Similar to what happens when an alcoholic drinks, I can't be trusted with refined carbs.....one is two many and a hundred isn't enough. Although I do feel like my "binge" wasn't as bad as it could have been. And I walked about 30mins to Marianne's......somehow I don't think they cancel each other out. I did run around in the garden for about 15 mins with Alex to try to digest my food. BLugh, not a good idea, although fun. He has the cutest little dimple and reminds me so much of my gorgeous hubby sometimes.

Tomorrow sees me take Alex to music class and have a coffee with my lovely friend Chris. I'm also going to brave a night home by myself, as Richard is off on a boy's weekend with his work. They're camping in the great outdoors and doing some waterskiing and other boy stuff that really doesn't concern me. Hehe.

So, tomorrow will see me adhering strictly (although not too strictly) to Tony F. I can keep losing weight if 5/7 days are good 'uns!

I am so bloated now. ugh!!

At the end

2009-02-08T18:11:00.002+11:00

I've had a wonderful, wonderful week. This time a week ago, the cast and crew of "Brassed Off" were moving the set to the Westside Performing Arts centre. I was getting a little nervous, starting to think about how it was going to go. Now it's all behind me and I feel contemplative, not sad, as I thought I might.

There have been some fantastic developments through the course of this show. My friend Kellie suggested that I try out for it, and I wasn't sure, as I wanted to drop some of the weight that I'd gained since having bad Post Natal Depression. I felt fat, daggy and uninteresting. I auditioned, but certainly didn't think that I'd get a part. When I got a part, I felt like I was dragging the cast down. The past few months has been a journey of self discovery and general discovery!

I've been grappling with my recovery from severe depression and went through so much doubt about my abilities as an actress and my basic abilities as a person! When my grandma died on the 5th of January, I felt like I had taken a step back, so much sadness came back and I found it really overwhelming. I was afraid that I couldn't pull it together, that I would let the rest of the cast down and be a disappointment.

Things finally came to a head two weeks before the play went on, one Tuesday rehearsal. I was really struggling with my character and my relationship with my stage husband. I was struggling to find a connection and to feel comfortable being intimate with someone who wasn't Richard. I wanted my character, Vera, to be authentic and genuine, but had a lot of my own "stuff" getting in the way. I waited to ask Donna, the director, about where I was going wrong with Vera. What followed was a wonderful, intimate chat that gave me some direction on Vera and affirmed that I could do this, that I was capable. I hope Donna realises how pivotal this conversation was in helping me to move forward.

I wrote down some of the characteristics that we identified:
- integrity
- solid, grounded
- clear
- has opposites and inconsistencies but these are valid to her character / shades of grey

Every time I stepped on stage as Vera, I thought "Strong" and was able to step up. I am so proud of myself. I feel like even though Vera was a character who I pretended to be, that she rubbed off on me. I feel like having the courage to be her has made me realise that I can be strong myself. It sounds wanky but I believe the character came along for a reason. I also feel like the trouble I was having with relating to my stage husband is all part of the journey I am on with myself, with my recovery. For many years I used alcohol to relate to men, as from an early age I can remember being terrified of them. I'm a very very shy person naturally, but with a bawdy sense of humour and sometimes, a quick comeback. These two are polar opposites, but valid to my character. They can both exist in me and I can be true to myself.

The progress I made, the friendship bonds I've formed with others in the play were all done completely without alcohol, and that's a big step for me. Sometimes during the play, I would feel completely void of emotion, and I would worry about that......but I eventually realised that I have to stop expecting to feel a certain way. Health and happiness lies in accepting my emotions at that point, being in the moment and not thinking "I should be feeling this or that". A lot of my life feels new and different to me, because I haven't done certain things before without alcohol. I am so proud of myself. I feel like I am really becoming who I'm meant to be.

I can remember doing plays in the drinking years and loving being lost in a character, and the stress and confusion that happened for me when I had to let the character go...the dissolution of the stage family and how I didn't feel happy by myself afterwards. Constantly striving to be with people, to be accepted and approved of. I know that after a play I can tend to be a bit of an approval junkie, where too much approval isn't enough. I really struggled with the last play I did in Finley, I wanted people to keep telling me that I was ok, what I did was acceptable and valid.

This time around, it really hit me. I wondered why the things that people said about my performance didn't make me feel any different....and it hit me like a bolt of lightning, the truth that I've heard so often in my life. Nothing I do makes me feel any more acceptable until I accept myself. If I don't approve of me, others' approval won't plug up a hole in my psyche. I have to be whole by myself, for myself. Others cannot complete me. My relationships can't be healthy if I rely on others to finish me. I have to be whole and valid on my own. And I think I'm really getting there.

There are a couple of people from the play who I am sure I will catch up with after. I like the idea of having platonic male friends, and would like to make that a goal for 2009. I am excited about what this year is going to bring. I am going to go walking with my friend Marianne and get fit....I am going to study at least one subject this year....I am going to have coffees with new friends.......I am going to attend more 12 step meetings......I am going to help other people.....I am going to do things that nourish me and use my talents in projects that I enjoy...I am going to value my family and my husband and son and spend quality time with them.

I am several worlds away from the scared and unhappy person I was 6 years ago. Imagine what's ahead in the next 6 years! Love you all.

Tagged!

2009-02-01T23:52:00.004+11:00

Ok, so I stole this from Kirsty....but it's a good idea!

1. Go to the section of your computer where you store all of your photos.

2. Select the 6th folder.

3. Select the 6th photo.

4. Post and explain about that picture.

5. tag 6 other people.....

Heheh....this is a picture of my lovely Mother-in-Law, Gladys, and her friend Muriel...on a trip over to America in May/June last year. They had an awesome time and spent lots of hours at Disneyland.....Glad is going to hate this cause she hates her photo being taken and/or shown! hehe.

I don't know how to tag people on my blog, so I'm just gonna challenge everyone who reads to do the same.

ooh and ps - Brassed Off starts in 4 sleeps!!!!!!!! Aieeeeeeeeeeee!!! http://www.stagtheatre.com/shows/2009_brassedoff.html

The play, the play...and children.

2009-01-30T16:16:00.003+11:00

Hello all,

Well can I just say how excited I am about the play starting in 6 days time? Yikes! Last night we had the first rehearsal in the West side centre.....ooh I was nervous. I only forgot one part of my lines, but the thought of forgetting any of it in front of a paying audience makes me quail with fright!

Lots of people I know are coming to see it, and that's exciting too!

On another note, I have been looking at some of our home movies of Alex when he was really little. I wish I could say that I look at them and they bring back good memories. The sad fact is that I hear his crying and it doesn't make me feel anxious....but it makes me remember being terribly anxious and afraid. It makes me sad for me, and sad for Richard and Alex, because I really wanted to be a good wife and mother, fulfilled and happy, but I fell into an enormous pit of depression and stopped living.....I only existed. And what a fraught and tortured existence it was. I know that it's unhealthy to look back and think "if only"...but I do wish that I had more positive memories of that first year. I look back and see the pain in my eyes, I see the worry in Richard's eyes. I see that Alex is a beautiful baby, and that I wanted to be the best mum I could be, but that it was so hard and that I lost myself. I don't ever want to feel like that again. EVER!

And it's not just for me.....the strain and the pain that the lost months of my life put on those around me sometimes makes me want to sit down and weep. I was suicidal for so long, the only thing stopping me from doing anything about it was the thought of my family and my son and what a terrible thing it would be for them to deal with. I had nothing for me. I had ceased to be me. All that existed was pain and desolation and fear. The absence of hope, the absence of light, nothing to hope for, nothing to live for.

Now that I've been back to "me" ....probably since September/October last year.....I had entertained the thought of having another child. Richard and I both wanted more than one when we first discussed it, and so many lovely, thoughtful people have told me "an only child is a lonely child!" (sarcasm alert).....I want Alex to have a sibling......I like the idea of another child.....but I think that the reality of going through what I went through before is just too much for me.

My psych is optimistic. I have BPD, which is why my post natal depression was so horrific...and BPD is one of those rare, cureable mental illnesses. He says not to discount the idea of having another child, properly handled. But I just don't know if I can take that leap of faith. Having a child is not like starting a job, picking a colour for your wallpaper.....it is not reversible....and as a mother, you are pivotal to that child's life. I have never known anything like it in my life. It is a force that is primal, strong......it scares me to death. I don't know that I have another recovery in me. People say....."you'll know the warning signs, you'll have strategies in place, people will help out"......and I think, it's all very well knowing the warning signs and getting people to help...but somewhere in the first months of Alex's life, my Post Natal Depression took on a life of its own and nothing anybody did helped fix anything. I descended into hell and I didn't come out for about 2 years. I don't know that I can take the risk of going back there. Even knowing that it would end wouldn't make the utter hellishness of it any easier. It's not just being tired, it's not just being sad. It's having all the life sucked out of you. It's having no joy, nothing to look forward to, no peace, no rest. Insomnia, anxiety, fear, obsession, insanity, suicidal thoughts. No concentration span, never being able to sit and relax, being a prisoner in your own head. Longing to escape but not being able to justify ending it all. Trying to, and failing. Hating yourself, hating God, hating happy people. Feeling sick when you see a pregnant woman. Wanting people you love to forget you ever existed so you can stop existing. How can I ever risk going back there? I don't think I have enough faith to do it.

Maybe things will change....but I really don't think so. I have come so far that I am now hopeful about life and my future, but not far enough to forget what feeling like I had no life and no future felt like. I think I still grieve the losses of that time. Poor, poor Richard, my poor mother and father......the people I loved hurt as much as I did because I was so lost. I love Alex more and more each day, but I have a defensiveness over my parenting that stems back to that time. I'm afraid that my illness will have somehow damaged him. I'm sure my guilt will subside as I work through my "stuff" and become stronger and more confident in my parenting. This is happening every day. I can now spend a whole day at home with Alex without freaking out or counting the hours til Richard comes home....unheard of in those early months!

Who knows what the future holds? I guess it's in the hands of God. All I can do is take it one day at a time. (There's a good bumper sticker about that. "I try to take each day at a time, but lately, several days have attacked me at once"!)

Thanks for listening, whoever you are! Deb xo

Blah blah blah blah!

2009-01-16T08:41:00.004+11:00

Here's a cute pic of our family from Christmas to start things off in a good way!

It's Friday morning and I want to do something....but am feeling very lazy! I want to go for a walk with Alex, want to catch up with friends, need to do grocery shopping....but gosh darn I'm feeling lazy! Yesterday we stayed home all day and I watched some Sex and the City episodes. Alex likes them because there is a baby in it at the moment, little Brady. Alex is so adorable but so naughty at times. He is just loving kicking me at the moment and I am not putting up with him. He has had a few smacks on the bot.

I half feel like loading up the car and coming over to Finley.....but I can't get in touch with mum and dad so I'm not sure if they're there or not. I really need to get back in a routine but am a bit blah....My gym membership ran out yesterday and I should rejoin somewhere, but I don't know where.....Maybe I'll just get a 10 visit pass and see how I go. I haven't been eating the best lately but have decided to give myself a break and just try to develop better eating habits. I think I have lost a little bit of weight but can't be sure. I am drinking Coke Zero and soon I'm going to be fully caffinated and ready to roooooooooollllllllllll!

Hope everyone has a fantabulous day.....I am off to get my butt into gear!

What happened next.

2009-01-13T13:11:00.002+11:00

Grandma passed away on Monday 5th January, and a whole lot of stuff has happened since then. My week last week was as follows:

Monday: Drive to Finley to meet with Mum, Jen, Ang and Funeral Director. Go through photos and decide what things we wanted for her funeral......talk to my fam and lovely Richard arrived around 2 to look after Alex so I could talk to everyone. I stayed behind for a little bit when Richard left and Dad gave me a massive hug, and said "I was afraid you had gone, I really wanted to see you". It made me cry. I love my dad....he is so sad.

Tuesday: I woke up with a start at 5am and went for a walk. I was so sad and kept crying when I thought about Grandma, all the fun times we'd had together and all the things that she'd seen me through. Alex was in daycare so I decided that I would let myself wallow in sadness for a coupla days. I went and hired series 4 of Sex and the City from Video Ezy and spent a lazy afternoon watching Carrie & Co and trying not to eat junk(see below).

Wednesday: I went and did a workout with Laura, a personal trainer who I have booked 3 sessions with to try and help me get the most out of my workouts. She put me through my paces and it was good, got the endorphins out and I was energised to try and get through this week without pigging out too much. Met the lovey Ross and Judy (and Jono) Taylor for lunch. I just love this couple, they are so real and never fake it, they talk about life and their opinions and I love it! Angela popped down to get the shed keys that Richard had accidentally taken with him and we had a frozen yoghurt together and shopped for the funeral.

Thursday: I decided I would go to Finley to be around the fam, but couldnt' quite get it together to leave the house. My gorgeous friend Marianne dropped by with all sorts of lovely treats for lunch and smiles to cheer me up. She is a star. We have been going for walks together and become each other's cheerleaders. Everyone needs a friendship like that. I was planning on going and visiting mum and dad but Alex had a long nap and I fell asleep....woke up when Richard came home at 5.30pm. Decided not to go to Finley and stayed up til 1.30am watching SATC. Fabulous stuff.

Friday: I rang mum and decided I would try to come to Finley that morning. Again, I couldn't seem to get it together to leave the house. I got a bag packed, had a conversation with Richard about how it wasn't that sensible to go to Finley for the day on Friday if we were spending the weekend there. Said that I wanted to anyway. Stuffed around at home. Felt tired and gross. Decided to make Alex have a sleep and try to rest. Surfed the net and looked at Facebook way too much. Felt sad. Reread the poem Jen wrote. Cried. Had pizza (thin crust) and Salad for dinner. Even little changes count! Packed Alex and my bags and left room in my bag for Richard's stuff. Checked the bags to make sure I wasn't missing anything.

Saturday: Woke up earlyish (7) for the trip to Finley. Arrived at mum and dad's house to greet rellies. Cried a little. Went to Grandma's funeral and read poem...thought I wouldn't be able to continue but kept on going. Morning tea in church hall, chatted to people but mainly just felt like being by myself, or with my close family, eating lollies and reading trashy magazines. Didn't eat any lollies. Went to Tocumwal Pavillion Bakery for after funeral lunch. Came back to mum and dad's and tried to make Alex have a sleep. He wouldn't. About 4 Richard took Alex over to his sister Catherine's place so she could look after him while we had a "farewell Grandma" dinner at the Chinese restaurant. Sooooo busy and full of people. I had that unreal feeling that life was going on and I didn't really want it to..... Wondered what Grandma would think of her day. Picked up Alex and went out to the Hay farm. Slept horribly (I always do when I'm stressed or anxious).

Sunday: Had breakfast with Glad, went back into town. We were all going to go to church but I couldnt' face people. Just wanted to be alone. Richard took Alex to church and rest of family went to Rutherglen to have a parker's pie. I wanted to go but couldn't get back to Shepparton in time..........felt trapped and helpless but tired and quiet at the same time. Pottered around mum and dad's house and watched more SATC on their Austar. I love that show for trauma counselling. Gives one a sense of perspective. Drove back to Shep with Richard and Alex. Dragged my sorry arse to rehearsals with dead, red eyes. Got through rehearsals and came home, slept soundly for the first time since Grandma has died.

Yesterday was mostly good, I decided that I would rejoin the world, cause it's only doing me damage not being in it! I was still a bit teary......when Saeeda, our family day-carer's elderly Pakistani mother in law said "what is wrong with alex? he always have scab on face, mummy not look after him!!" and laughed, I burst into tears. He has had a few bumps lately and on Saturday night got covered in mosquito bites, some of which he scratched. I already felt like a neglectful, lazy mother. Saeeda apologised for her and said "She is old, she doesn't understand what she is saying". The MIL then apologised too. I felt horribly embarassed. Went home to a swim and my lovely hubby. Facebooked til the early hours, finding some old friends.

Still feel a little down but I know I'm going to make it. I have a bag full of some of Grandma's clothes and scarves and I keep going and smelling them because they smell of her. I miss her.

Here is the poem that we read at her funeral:

Grandma
Deb:
Grandma means gardens
Roses and geraniums
Fairy banquets at the bottom of the garden
The gentle curve of a red painted path

Grandma means a myriad of little purses
Necklaces and such
Three variations on a theme
For three little girls

Grandma means creaking floorboards
Frosted glass doors
Big furry chairs
And a silver Christmas tree

Grandma means books!
Too many to read
But not for Grandma
The endless pursuit of an unread book

Grandma means conversation
Tuesday phone calls
Shared troubles, comfort
Given nightly in prayer

Jen:

Grandma means hedgehog slice
Warm pasties with tomato sauce
And gooseberry jam bubbling in a pot
Warm kitchen aromas

Grandma means walks
Down a cobbled street
To Dalkieth shops
And Marzipan mice

Grandma means roast dinners
Home-made potato salad
Ice cream cake with pale pink roses
A line to be cleared

Grandma means dancing
with her walking cane
In a room with many ornaments
Amidst laughter-filled protestations

Grandma means baby soft hands
With a feather-like touch
Crocheting rose filled rugs
Flowery cards with spidery writing

Grandma means Gate Gamma
As our wriggly children are balanced
On her legs
For hugs and photos

Angela:
Grandma means early morning stories
Tucked into bed, four across
With a pale green quilted spread
To keep us warm

Grandma means watching cricket
On a big old television
A cool respite
From hot summer days

Grandma means holidays in Perth
Piled on mattresses all in the one room
Special treats, cream on toast
Stacks of funnies to share

Grandma means box of treasures
Bruising the walls in MahJong
Visits to various libraries
Kirribilli cappuccinos

Grandma means travel tales
Exploring the world
With her loved ones
Enjoying postcards, photos and gifts from afar

Grandma means
So many things
But most of all
Love

Goodbye, Grandma

2009-01-06T07:50:00.005+11:00

Hi everyone,

Well, on New Year's eve morning, my Grandma (Hazel Maud Cook) had a stroke. She'd been going downhill since October, when she had a fall in her retirement hostel. She was 93 and had lived a long life, and was really ready to go a year or two ago.

Grandma was my dad's mother and had a very wry sense of humour. She was very regal and dignified, and old age seemed to be packed full of indignities. It has really taught me a lesson about how society values it's aged population. These people have been through all that we have, but because they are frail and slowing down, we sometimes think that they're irrelevant. Nothing could be further from the truth.

After my Grandpa, Ken Cook, died from complications to Alzheimers in 1998, I decided that I would ring Grandma once a week to check in on her and inform her of my exciting single life. I became her Tuesday girl, and we scheduled our week around our calls.....only ever missing one or two Tuesdays because there was an event on at the retirement village. As she was living in Perth, I could call her later and she'd still be up. I gave her the edited highlights of my somewhat chaotic life, and loved her take on my life and the sense of perspective that talking to her gave me.

I am full of admiration for her. She grew up in the era where, once you got married, running the home was one of the only occupations available to you. Grandpa worked at the Bank of Wales (now Westpac) and looked after all the finances. When he fell ill with Alzheimers, she had to take over the running of the household, the finances, bills etc. It was a daunting task to take on in her early seventies, when she'd always relied on Grandpa. I am sure she had many lonely nights and days, a lot of fears and troubles, but I didn't ever see her as a victim. She was a strong woman who had strong opinions and who wasn't afraid to call a spade a spade. I loved that about her. When I told her about a man I was dating, who had a bald head, she was supportive....but when the relationship fizzled out, she said "Poor old xxxx, with his bald head. He wouldn't have looked any good in the family photos". hehe.

She hadn't had an easy road, she had an older brother called Frank Alexander (we did name Alex in part after him), who went off to the second world war and was killed. Her parents died and she had to deal with Grandpa's long, long illness. She was faithful, visiting him every day and telling him stories of their past. She always read him the 23rd psalm...the lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. She tried to find the humour in the situation and was always encouraging me to follow my dreams. She prayed every night for me to find a nice man who would look after me....I'm so glad those prayers were answered and she got to see me happy with Richard.

When I was very unwell with Post Natal Depression, in 2006 and 2007, she was a comforter and supporter. She would say to me "Deborah, darling, nothing lasts forever - good, bad or indifferent". How right she was.

I went over to Finley yesterday to sort out things for the funeral with mum and my sisters Jen and Angela. Jen had written a beautiful, touching poem for grandma and we've changed some of the stanzas to incorporate memories from Angela and I, and we're going to read it at her funeral on Saturday. I won't post the poem on here yet, but will post some of my memories.

The last time I saw Grandma before her stroke, Jen and Angela and I had just had morning tea together without the kids...we'd managed to foist them off onto our husbands...and we were chattering away like schoolgirls. Grandma sat back in her chair and smiled, her eyes following our silly exchanges like a tennis spectator. She wore an amused smile that told of extreme fondness for us all and happiness that she was with us.

The last time I saw Grandma alive, was a couple of hours after she'd had her stroke. One side of her body was paralysed but her eyes were still very much alive and alert. She was still there until the very end. I stroked her soft cheek and held her age-worn hand and told her how special she was to me, and how much I loved her. She tried to smile and mouthed "I love you" to me. I said to her "you have given us a legacy, Grandma...we all love books and that's because of you". I had a wonderful relationship with her and shared many special moments with her, but I still wish I could go back and have one more conversation with her. I know, that in months to come, I will think "I must tell Grandma that", and be sad that I can't. She made an adventure out of life, never complained about her lot, and inspired me to be well. She will live on in my heart and I will always miss her.

Goodbye, Grandma.

My memories of Grandma - an email to Jen, Angela and Mum & Dad:

The red driveway to Circie Circle....your beautiful roses and geraniums lovingly cared for. The park near your house, where we spent many happy hours during our school holidays. The walk to Dalkieth shops, you with your bag on wheels, taking us for a walk and a little treat. Reading with you in bed in the morning, practically pushing gramps out with 3 squirming youngsters all trying to get close to Grandma.
Your treasure box and how you always called me "treasure" . Hearing you tell the story about the time that I was afraid you were going to put me in your treasures box. The kettle is a -lowing.
The frosted glass doors closed and the airconditioner on, the cricket playing and another adventure filled school holiday
The spacious backyard with the red steps, the beautiful trees and flowers and plants, leaving presents out for the fairies that lived in the bottom of your garden.
Your sense of humour, the way you could find the fun in a situation. You listened so earnestly to us telling you our hopes and dreams and hurts. You made us feel like we were special. Your chicken liver pate and creamy potato salad. Your special pasties. Coming to stay in your unit and going for walks to the library. Losing myself in a book in your loungeroom. Telling you that any leftovers were a "line to be cleared". Making the trek across the village to the salt water pool. Counting every blessing and naming you as one of those.
Swimming in our above ground pool in Wamboin, with you watching us to make sure that nothing went wrong. Hurrah for Hazel.
Knowing that if everything went wrong, you were still in our corner. Playing long games of MahJong and you breaking up the inevitable fights between sisters!
Coming to stay and you had saved us all the kids pages from the West Australian
Being your Tuesday girl... sharing the edited ups and downs of the single life with you every Tuesday and loving the sense of perspective you gave my crazy life. Knowing that no matter how bad things were, that you would always have a positive thing to say..."nothing lasts forever, good, bad or indifferent"...and if a social function went wrong, well, it "was an outing". Your joy at my marriage to Richard. Telling me that you'd prayed for me every night to find a wonderful man who would take care of me. So many lovely cards and cheques, sent in your flowery writing. Little trinkets, jewellery and bits and pieces....little pieces of your life that you shared with us. Thoughtful cards and postcards. Your fighting spirit when you moved to Sydney....keeping your mind busy with a good book and a quiz. Doing exercise and one-upmanshiping the other ladies with your 10 great grandchildren.
Your important friendship and tales from the days when Dad and David were little. Never judging me and always telling me how you felt. If I'd had a fight with Richard, telling me "there were times when I could have cheerfully pushed Ken in front of a bus". Your support and love when I suffered from Post Natal Depression. Not letting me out of your prayers for a moment....always being in my cheer squad.
That you have seen me recover and be well and happy is one of the joys in my life. Pan Pero. The Pirate's whistle.
Gran....Grandma. Regal and dignified.....a woman who lived a lot of life. A wise, generous soul....a woman who I will miss and always be glad I have known. A woman I could spend hours talking to about life, love and the universe. Someone who was there for me when the chips were down and someone who I love with all my heart. I can't wait to see you in heaven one day. I am so glad you got to meet my son. I miss you already.

Toca me...

2008-12-11T08:05:00.002+11:00

Good morning, fair readers.

I am undergoing a pretty big change at the moment...my friend Marianne and I have been waking up and going for walkies at 6am in the morning and solving the world's problems as we go! And...the days that she isn't available, I have been going by myself and walking about 4km! Yay for me. I have also been trying to eat more sensibly and gorge on carrots instead of bulk amounts of chocolate. No results on the scales as yet, but I have been feeling sooooooooo much better about myself and more motivated.

I had a bit of a crappy start to the day, Marianne and I had done our walk and I was feeling all virtuous when I went to Mcdonalds for a coffee. The lady who was serving was chat chat chatting to the guy in front of me, even when he had his food and was trying to walk away! However, I was practising patience and tolerance and waited. When he walked off, I approached the counter and said "Hi!". She just looked at me....and I felt myself get quite cross. I hate it when people in retail are rude and just not interested in serving. It is something I am trying to work on, and not take it personally when they have a 'tude......but I stood there for a couple of seconds just waiting to see if she said something, anything in return to my friendly greeting. I felt cross, and said "ummm...aren't you sposed to welcome me to McDonalds?"....she just stared at me and said "I don't think I am". I felt myself get angry and thought that I couldn't possibly treat her with the respect that she deserved, as I was getting unnecessarily angry with her, for reasons only God knows! So I just said "don't worry, forget it" and walked off.

I immediately felt annoyed with myself for taking someone else's tiredness or lack of interest in their job personally....I mean, she's working at McDonalds and is serving at a counter at 6.45am on Thursday morning....she's allowed to be a little jaded. I know I would be. I guess I am making progress cause I didn't stay there and look down my nose at her or make comments about the many layers of eyeliner around her ageing eyes (miaow). I realised that I was getting angry and just removed myself from the situation. I felt like going back and apologising but thought that would just make me feel stoopid and I think she probably would have been like "whatever, loony!".....so I sent her good vibes and thought....I need a meeting! I am glad of my blog, I thought I would come on and vent.

My psych is really pleased with me as I am making progress, not thinking that my thoughts are always the truth, examining the situation, and removing myself from it if I can't get through it without being angry/rude. I can do a very good line in condescension and nobody deserves that....not even me!! I have noticed, that people seem very pissed off at the moment, a lot of people in retail just seem to be over the whole christmas thing and annoyed with us customers for even existing! Christmas is a stressful time for a lot of people and I need to allow others to have a bad day....not just me!

I am also looking into doing a Bachelor of Media Communication at Charles Sturt Uni! It's exciting.....I have to contact Canberra Institute of Tafe and Uni of Canberra to get transcripts of my prior study, almost 10 years ago....crikey. I am so glad it's now and not 10 years ago. I was a very unhappy lady then.

Love to you all! Dee xoxo

She's a party girl, with a bad habit....

2008-11-26T23:10:00.002+11:00

I am going to come right out and say that I've been loving Summer Heights High...and I've managed to get Richard hooked on it as well! Yay me. I love Ja'mie King and Mr G, they so remind me of myself sometimes, my inner monologue and how selfish I can be. They say the stuff that I think...and it's hilarious! I don't tend to think it as much anymore either, which is another yay.

I have been thinking a lot this week about who I am and my talents and what I want to do when I grow up! I have always been interested in the media, in words, and have been thinking that I'd like to do some sort of media or journalism course by correspondence at uni. I need little projects to keep myself interested when I'm at home with Alex, and I would get a job....but most of the jobs that I can get here are just the standard reception type stuff. I would really like to put myself out there and get qualified so I can do the job of my dreams. I have had a couple of goes at tertiary education and always dropped out because I've found it too challenging...but when I got into it, I really enjoyed it and felt stimulated. (ooher).

I feel sooo good about everything at the moment....I have been getting myself and the house more organised and that feels good too. I have been trying hard not to aim for too much perfection and get down on myself, just do what is right for today and what is achievable. My sister Jen has asked me to do a talk for her MOPS group for Christmas, and so I'm going to try and find a funny Christmas monologue. It's so exciting to be going back there sooooooooooo much happier and feeling more like me.

Yay! I am really looking forward to seeing my sister Angela as well, I have my fingers and toes crossed for her with job opportunities. She is just fabulous and I know that she is going to make a lucky church very happy. She's so bubbly and gorgeous and sweet.

Bring on Christmas, I say. Love to you all!!

Songs that make you...

2008-11-22T00:25:00.003+11:00

So while I'm up and posting....many months ago I posted a list of songs to be depressed to. I also had a couple of other lists of songs, but forgot to post them! Perhaps I was only interested in being depressed then! hehe.

Without any further adieu, here are my two other lists.

Ten Songs that make me feel Happy
1.Walking on Sunshine - Katrina and the Waves
2.Unbelievable - EMF
3.Xanadu - Olivia Newton-John (or any song from the Xanadu soundrack, man I love that
movie!)
4.Kiss from a Rose - Seal
5.Crazy in Love - Beyonce & Jay Z (I listened to this song over and over around the time
Richard and I started going out)
6.Sex Bomb - Tom Jones (or any song by Tommy J, he's just so FUN!)
7.Shout - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun Soundtrack (or any song from the Soundtrack, I love this
movie a little more than Xanadu!)
8.Learn to Fly - Foo Fighters (was in the charts just before I went to the States for my best
friend Jen's wedding, I like the metaphors with flying and finding your way home)
9.Time after Time - Cyndi Lauper (our wedding song)
10.Time of My Life - Dirty Dancing soundtrack (I swore that one day I was going to fall in love
just like Baby)

Top Ten Breakup songs
1.Movin' on Up - M People
2.You Oughtta Know - Alanis Morrisette
3.You Look So Fine - Garbage (countless tears cried to this song, especially the line where she says "let's pretend, happy end....." http://www.6lyrics.com/music/garbage/lyrics/you_look_so_fine.aspx )
4.Bye Bye Bye - N'Sync
5.Boyfriend - Backstreet Boys ( Body Combat had a situp and pushup track to this song, I love it, it is soooo choice and cheesy. http://www.elyrics.net/read/b/backstreet-boys-lyrics/get-another-boyfriend-lyrics.html)
6.Break My Stride - Unique 2 (The funny bit about this song is that I only just realised that it says "I'm running and I won't touch ground"....I thought for years that it said "I'm running with a wholesome crowd". ha!)
7.Dreams - Fleetwood Mac http://www.asklyrics.com/display/Fleetwood_Mac/Dreams_Lyrics/25239.htm
8.You belong to me - JX (Such a stalkery song!!)
9.Break the Chain - Motiv-8 (When I moved to Canberra in 1996, I lived with two other girls...this song got played A LOT! http://eurokdj.free.fr/lyric/lyrics_text.php?artist=Motiv8&song=Break%20The%20Chain)
10.You were meant for me - Jewel (ugh, such a portrait of loneliness!!)

War and peace

2008-11-21T23:41:00.002+11:00

Sometimes I look at the world that I live in and think it's so grossly unfair. Because of circumstance, my little family and I live in peace and comfort here in Shepparton. My husband has a safe, secure job that makes enough money for us to pay our bills. I have the freedom to go wherever I like and be friends with people from other races and cultures. We are all able to get free medical care and the facilities that my son plays on are clean, safe and readily available.

I guess what got me thinking was tonight Richard and I watched the movie "Iron Man", there was a bit about the atrocities that are happening in Afghanistan and surrounding areas in the name of peace....and the profiteering and warmongering that goes on to keep this violence perpetuated. It makes me so sad, because it is so easy to sit here in comfort and peace and close our ears and eyes to what is going on, to think that those people have nothing in common with you and I and to just not get involved.

But I am sitting here thinking, what separates me from a family in that area? The consequences of my birth, that is all. There may well be a 32 year old woman married to a 34 year old man, with a 2 year old son, who constantly fears for her life...she may be a widow, or the 2 year old may be an orphan. It just makes my heart bleed.....how undeserving I am of such freedom and mercy when so many people are suffering such injustices and pain. It makes me feel so helpless. I want to stop this war, I want to make the world a better place...but how do I do that?

I have so many choices and so much potential....and often times that doesn't even make me happy. I still see the glass half empty. I can still be a horrible person inside my head, even though I don't say it out loud (as much) anymore.

I was lining up to get a video and the guy who was serving was chatting with the man in front of me. Oh shut up,hurry up and serve me, I thought, as he chatted away and laughed. I mentally accused him of being fake....until I listened to what he was saying....he had been at school with one of the man's relatives and was asking after her parents. The father had died of cancer. "oh...that's terrible", said the cashier "my father passed away 11 years ago from that. Horrible stuff". And here I am accusing him of being fake! You never know the pain that is buried inside another human being....all of us are just trying to get along in life and you can just never judge a book by its cover. I felt awful after that! My anti social thoughts had this young man down as a shallow human being, when he has suffered as much as anyone has, with the death of a parent.

Pah. Sometimes I need an attitude readjustment. Specially when I do other people's thinking for them and accuse them of thinking the negative garbage that can fester in my mind. Most people aren't half as harsh as I accuse them of being. I really need to go to a meeting....it will clear my mind and I know when I tell that story, others around the table will nod and smile...having done the same thing themselves. That's the part I love about the meetings...the identification...the feeling that you're not alone in the fight to be a better person.

I guess I shouldn't totally ignore the part of God in all this.....I know that God has all the answers so I appeal to him to help me know what to do. Show me the right way and what to do to help. I can't look at Alex and how gorgeous and amazing he is and not believe in God. I know that he is out there.

I've changed my blog name. It was once "City chick in the country", but I changed it, because I was just lying in bed thinking that I'm not really that much of a city chick. Sure, I like the shopping and the cafes and stuff...but Shepparton has that too....I did enjoy living in Canberra, but I can't say that I am a true city chick. Sydney and Melbourne-ites laugh at Canberra anyway, and call it a large country town....so perhaps I am just a large country town chick. That sounds totally wrong, so I think that 'Becoming Deborah' is much more in line with the theme of this blog. I am going to share this site on facebook and cut some of the rambling drivel.

Night all! Deb xo

Looking back (in a good way)!

2008-11-03T20:06:00.003+11:00

I've been tidying up a lot and going through boxes of papers and things that have been shoved into corners. It has made me realise how far I've come. I'm going to share a bit of it so you know where I was and how far I've come.

16 March07 - I love my husband but I hate him seeing me like this. In fact, I feel like saying to him and the rest of my family "Don't love me!", but I know I don't really want that.

24 April 07 - I am so afraid and so scared that I'll never be all right again. I feel really confused, like I'm stuck in a big black hole. Feel suicidal, like I just want to die....can I go home? I just feel like I want to pass out or die, I can't go on living like this.

18 May 07 - All I want is a good night's sleep, and to be able to sleep again. I miss sleep sooo much and I'm afraid I'll never sleep again. I can't believe that I will ever get better but I have to trust God. I would much rather be the one cheering other people up than the one going through this, wading through so much horrible anxiety and fear. Please God, release me from this horrible prison. Just a tiny little bit, just enough for me to go home and cope at home. I am so weak, Lord, please help me. Lord, this is hell on earth and I would really like to not feel like this for much longer.
A verse I love is Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".

10 July 07.I feel unable to copeI feel scared that I'm going mad, feeling disconnected from everyone around me, I seem to be in a world of my own. I feel a sense of impending madness, s though I would fall over a high cliff at any moment, and this would signify my lost grip on reality.I can't enjoy anything about life anymore. All I think about is this illness and the feelings that I'm having. I keep thinking that I just want to be normal, why has this happened to me?
Psalm 13 is really good....David gives it to God in the first bit, I love it!

About May/June 08 I started to feel better. I started to be able to go out in public with Alex or by myself and not worry. Things have just kept on getting better. I still have troubles managing my emotions and not being neurotic and paranoid.....I still think I'm a whale and ugly as hell sometimes...but not all the time. I only cut myself and overdosed when I had PND on top of my borderline.... I know it is horrible but a friend of mine said that depression is sometimes not the absence of God, but God tapping you on the shoulder to say that something is horribly wrong and needs to change.

And do you know what? I know that I'm stronger for having gone through this. I feel like I know I can get through stuff. I am woman, hear me roooooooooooooar! :)

What a great night!

2008-11-01T23:21:00.002+11:00

Well, tonight Richard, Alex and I attended a function at the Casablanca restaurant to celebrate a mock wedding of one of the STAG(Shepparton Theatre Arts Group) girls...I was a little bit nervous as we worked out that this is the first time that Richard and I have ever been out on a Saturday night, with Shepparton people. We've had friends and relatives from Finley come down and stay, and had dinner with them...but an honest to goodness Shepparton night out, we have not had.

Richard and Alex were both a bit knackered, as they got up at 8am, but being the sluggard that I am, I had stayed in bed til 10.30!! We had a fabulous day, Richard and Alex fixed things, I went to a 12 step meeting, then we went to Ardmona Kid'stown.....then home for a swim, the first of the year for all of us together. It was gorgeous. Richard had a lay down and Alex and I played, looking at the photo albums. He is so adorable. He loved looking at Richard's pictures from the days when he used to ride dirtbikes. he kept pointing at them, saying "motor!", "bike", and "hat"!....Hat was for the helmets...he says "hat" in the cutest way. Ohhhh I simply adore my son. Even when he wakes up at 11am crying. Poor little man.

Anyhoo - the night out was fun, everyone there was very lovely and chatty...I got to know the guy who is playing my husband a little better, and turns out that he knows Richard's boss! I guess I am realising that Shep is a fairly small place and the longer we are here the more we'll get to know people.

I also saw a little girl who was in Kindermusik last week, and said hello. It is so nice to go somewhere and recognise people. It is so weird being unfamiliar with stuff here. I came home bouncing off the walls and said to Richard "I just LOVE living in Shepparton!!". He said "yeah....it's ok." hehe. Richard misses Finley and his family...and I miss them too...but Shep is just that little bit bigger and more "me".

Yay! :)

Rude much?

2008-10-06T16:51:00.002+11:00

Ok....Alex is sick again and it is quite difficult taking him to the doctor as he gets upset really easily and when he's sick I'm usually sleep deprived and stressed as well. It didn't really help that last night I stayed up til nearly 1am looking at websites on Borderline Personality Disorder.

It was really interesting though, I found this site http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a107.htm on supporting a family member with BPD. I sent it to all my family cause so much of it is stuff that I think.

Anyhoo...back to the post's title....Alex had been very upset in the surgery and I was putting him and my shopping in the car when a coupla teenagers and their parents walked up and the boy opened his door on the trolley that I was unpacking. THey glared at me. I said "can I just get things unpacked? my son's not well".. The mother snapped "well HURRY UP then, you could just move your trolley over to the other side so we can get in your car". I felt totally pissed off as I was there before them and didn't have to say anything at all to them...was just doing so out of kindness (I am a real giver). I muttered something about "oh yeah, thanks, great...one mother appeals to another, good on you.....I'm sure your toddler was never sick and upset" and she refused to look at me as I moved my trolley to the other side and muttered. I found this so upsetting and was upset and stressed and pissed off. As they pulled out of the car park, with me fighting the urge to go and yell at her, I raised my hand in a one-fingered salute...and instantly felt disappointed in myself. I am trying so hard to respond to stress in a reasonable way and not to get into things that are nothing to do with me.

I take things so personally....I didn't think that perhaps they were stressed or just wanted to get into their car and weren't thinking of me and my struggle. Gah. Oh well....tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to Sydney so will potentially run into rudeness from other travellers. I must steel myself NOT TO TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY! Some people have attitude problems and often that is nothing to do with me. Look at the 20 other people who smiled sympathetically at me in the shopping centre when Alex was crying and clinging to me and not the one freakin person who was rude. Glass half empty, not half full. Yes.

I'm going to go and get dinner ready and cook a meal for tomorrow night when I'm away. Hope all is well to my pals. write me a comment and acknowledge my frailties!

The best things in life are free

2008-10-01T22:51:00.002+10:00

but you can tell it to the birds and bees.....

I've just been sitting here looking at my blog and how well it started out and how quickly it fell in a hole! it's been nearly three months since I wrote anything...and I think that my problem is that I write massive essays/epistles and then feel pressured because I don't want to sit down and write so much all the time. I think sometimes I'm just gonna have to write a little sentence or paragraph and then the blog will be more alive.

My husband just called me a slimy green turtle, and boy did it make me laugh. We were having one of those abstract conversations about cartoons and I was telling him that I was coming out of my shell....so yes..I am a slimy green turtle. That's ok cause I called him a giant rat, aka Splinter.

Oh dear..Alex is whinging and whining. What fun for all involved. He fell asleep at 7.20 without dinner, he was so tired he was practically hysterical. I fear a long night ahead! I don't know what is wrong with him. I've given him panadol and that should fix everything, shouldn't it?

I want to give you a list of top 10 things I love about Shep:
1. The shops!
2. Aquamoves, a fabulous gym
3. Saeeda, our fantastic daycare lady
4. Lots of different parks to take Alex to
5. Jungle Jive - this indoor playgym with a lovely cup of coffee has been my saviour on a wet/cold/windy day
6. My new friends Marianne and Kelly and Catherine
7. More 12 step meetings here and volunteer work
8. The fabulous drama group, STAG, whose latest production I have scored a role in
9. The anonimity - nobody says "are you Jennie's sister/Richard's wife/ Dr Cook's daughter"
10. The fact that it's a new start and nobody here looks at me with pity (yet!)

And....without further ado, the 10 things I'm not so crazy about Shep:
1. None of my family live here and I miss them
2. Everything is more spread out so I don't walk as much as I used to in Finley
3. I miss being part of a tight-knit community sometimes
4. I am quite often the new girl and have to do lots of small talk, sometimes I wish I could just cut the crap!
5. People in Shep have the audacity to have their own lives! ha. I find that people can be really busy and I find it hard to be persistent if they turn me down for social things
6.The anonimity- in some ways I'm not as accountable for my behaviour
7. I miss my mothers group and rolling with my homies Sara, Dimity, Tessa, etc
8. I miss Richard's family too, they're very supportive and good babysitters!
9. Road rage and paying for parking
10. Not getting to see my gorgeous niece and nephews all the time (kinda ties in with 1!)

Only one month between posts! I am reading snopes.com

2008-07-15T02:11:00.002+10:00

well, hello reader!
This morning we find Deborah Hay yet again unable to sleep and perusing the internet. The difference this time is that I'm off my sleeping tablets! Woo. So, the thing I am experiencing at present is called "rebound insomnia"....how pleasant. The good news is at least this will only last a little while and is definitely to be expected whilst coming off sleeping tablets, having been on them for about eighteen months. Speaking from experience as a long-term insomniac, sleeping tablets are a trap best to be avoided unless you can possibly avoid it (eg psychiatric conditions that make you fear lack of sleep). It just creates a rebound effect.....most doctors and chemists and psychs I know are dead against them. Much better to sleep by your own accord than by artificial means.

This is my fourth night without the tablets and I know that a lot of this insomnia is psychological. Used to having the crutch of tablets to enable sleep, I find falling asleep difficult, as well as staying asleep. The first three nights I fell asleep after an hour or so, only to wake up around 3...which was useful, as Alex has been very unsettled and has needed bonjela, panadol, a bottle...etc. I've had some good sleeps, with dreams in them, so I know that I've reached the REM stage of sleep, the good stuff. This is very encouraging. And I know that this insomnia will not last forever. I've had horrid periods of persistent insomnia in my early sobriety, and at the time I thought I would never sleep again. I did. So I know I will again. It is wonderfully exciting that I am off my sleeping medication. When I stop being so tired and start sleeping naturally, I will be so much better off. The sleeping tablets make you sluggish and slow your metabolism down

***eeeeeeeeeew my cat just jumped on my lap and farted.....gross***********

So, in summation.......(I am choking on fumes).....I am sleepless in Shepparton, but not hopeless! I am so excited about what the coming months bring. I feel at home in my body, in my mind. I had a great day today and really enjoyed being Alex's mum. I didn't feel worried about how I was going to get through the day......I have what I always wished for during the desperate first months of PND. I can be myself and be a mum. It isn't always perfect and I cut corners all the time. But I love my baby and I love my husband and I have friends and family who love me and all in all....life is pretty peachy.

I am so excited about my friend Suzanne having a baby. It was her due date today and I am trying not to trouble her with ten million "is it here yet?" texts and calls....but I am so excited.....she is so gorgeous and I can't wait to meet her gorgeous baby.

hmmmm getting sleepy. One last look at embarassing emails on snopes.com and back to bed for me. My poor light sleeper of a hubby is being disturbed quite a bit with my nocturnal activity. He's being very understanding. Bless him!

I to the N to the SOMNIA!

2008-06-15T23:44:00.003+10:00

yeah....I am not sleeping at the moment and I would like to be. Which sucks.

I have never been the world's best sleeper. Even when I was ten years old mum had bought me those relaxation tapes so I could try to sleep better. They never really worked. I get so upset about not being able to go to sleep that I just stress and stress and stress. It freaks me out.

Since going all nutso a coupla years ago, I have been on sleepers to help me sleep, which usually work. I have also been trying to exercise every day or at least every second day. I haven't had a "I know I'm not going to be able to sleep for a while" night in a while. I was lying there with my heart palpating a bit, wide awake and getting more and more anxious.

My solution is to get up and do something like post on my blog, read a book....think about stuff.
I think the fact that I was thinking about stuff is what got me unable to sleep. I mentioned a bit before about my BPD, but one of the symptoms is being unable to have good relationships with others and only seeing negatives in other people's behaviours. I have been really good with trying not to react to what I perceive as other people's poor treatment of me, to treat it in a detatched sort of way and talk to people I know who will give me both sides of the story.

Well the other day I forgot all that and got very annoyed with a friend of mine who I had rung quite a few times before I moved, cause she hadn't returned my calls, and just sent me a message on facebook saying we should catch up. I was annoyed that she couldn't be bothered picking up the phone, but let it go. I suggested a time when we caught up. This wasn't suitable. I suggested another time and there was a "yeah, that sounds good". Then I didn't hear from her for three weeks. I became more and more cranky, thinking "if someone moved to the town that i was living in and didn't know anyone I would try a little harder to be a friend". And I let her have it, saying I was annoyed and upset that she couldn't give me any of her time.

Ooooh boy...and did I get it in a blast back from her. She is working and studying full time, she has a 9 year old daughter, she just had a miscarriage (I didn't even know she was in a relationship)....she has no time for anyone at the moment and she doesn't need me making her feel guilty about it when she's tried hard to catch up with me. Ha!
I felt annoyed when I got her message......then as quickly as the annoyance came, was the shame. Oh dear, she is havign a really hard time and I have just sent her a horrible message which makes her feel dreadful. I am not proud of myself. I got a feeling of massive dejavu, I always used to do this with my friends in Canberra....have fallings out and tell other friends, I was always warring with someone, I always had a nemesis on any given day.

I have stepped back into that world and I hate it. It feels awful. I want to go into my brain and remove the bit that told me it was a good idea to write that email and not just to be tolerant and think the best of people, not the worst. If people aren't continually reassuring me that i am ok, I think they hate me. This does not make sense, but hurrah for psychiatrists. My shrink will no doubtedly advise further action. And guess what? blogging about it helps. Yay. And Kristy, I am sorry. :(

More incoherent ramblings

2008-06-10T16:20:00.002+10:00

Well, good afternoon all.

This post finds me almost well and sitting here quite happy with my lot. I have been looking back a bit this afternoon, something about looking at Facebook and seeing what my contemporaries have been up to. I've decided that a beautiful little boy and a handsome, loving husband, as well as a supportive family and in-laws is actually a very good deal.

About five years ago I was a very different person.....although a lot the same in some ways. On the 25th of May 2003, I stopped drinking altogether because of a drunken accident I was in. I lost my license for 6 months and got fined $1000. I was lucky not to have been killed or jailed...or worse still, killed someone else.

I was reeling from the shock of it all, and from the shock of my sister announcing her engagement to a honest, reliable and quite gorgeous farmer from Finley. She's 20 months younger than me and has always had her sh*t together in a way that I've never managed. Her engagement really brought home to me that my life was going nowhere fast. I had a series of "relationships", a series of "friendships" and a series of "jobs". Some friends, family, and jobs had hung in there longer than most, but many I had alienated with my mercurial personality and self-defeating behaviour.

I can recognise now that I have problems in the way that I see the world and the way that I form relationships with people. The diagnosis this year that I have Borderline Personality Disorder really puts into focus what I have been grappling with for the past 5 years, but also in a sense, for all of my life.

You see, I have never really felt like I fitted in, I have never liked myself. I have always thought I was ugly and despaired of my ability to ever get a good job, get a man, get friends, etc. When these things came my way, I abused them and lost them. If they hung on, I abused them and despised them. I hated myself and anyone who loved me was worthy of scorn.

It is a massive relief to find out that I actually have a DISEASE which makes me behave/feel like this. I am also an alcoholic - I can never drink again, and haven't since my accident just over 5 years ago. I often used to wonder "why do I hate myself so much?" "Why do I behave like this?".....and over the last five years I have found out why.

If I step outside myself, I can see that I do have good points. I have a warped sense of humour, I love children and small animals, I love my family, I love God, I want to belong, I have a keen fashion sense, I feel things deeply.

On the minus side, I am prone to over-reaction, I have a very thin emotional skin, I doubt and hate myself at times, I can be a real b*tch, I indulge in self-defeating behaviour.

I have found that part of this journey has been to accept myself for who I am, whoever that may be on any given day, and just press on with the task at hand.

I have a charmed life today, the aforementioned lovely hubby and child, and yet sometimes I want things to go badly for me, or to people to treat me badly, so I can complain. I am not content with a good life, I want drama, action, gossip. I am addicted to bad behaviours and really miss the compulsive behaviours I have let go sometimes. I miss being a drunk, a tart and a smoker. (Which is worse, she wonders????)....Responsibility has never sat particularly easy on my shoulders and today it is no different.

How lucky am I that I have the chance to have a good life and change my bad reactions and combat my bad, self defeating behaviour? I have so many people I want to make things up to. Thank you everyone who has kept on loving me even though I have made it hard for them. Today is the future. Today is whatever I want it to be. Today can be healthy if I want it to be.

Yay!

I really dislike pads with wings.

2008-05-26T11:51:00.002+10:00

Ok, so that may be an overshare, but I really really hate them. To the uninformed, they are silly bits of paper either side of your feminine sanitary towel, which are supposed to cling to your pants and stop said towel from shifting around.

And I hate them. I find they hardly ever work, mostly they shrivel up on themselves and create a little papery bulge which is impossible to adhere to your undergarments. I don't understand when it was that women decided we needed an extra bit of useless paper on our pads, but it's near impossible to get a femminine hygiene product sans wings, which really gets on my wick.

Oh, and was anyone else watching Rove last night? Chaz from the Chaser pashed him! It was extremely full on and I was a bit shocked. I thought, am I being homophobic, and thought...no....I would be just as shocked as if it was a female guest who had tried to suck the face off him.

Also, in other news.....The McDonalds on Melbourne road in Shepparton has extremely poor customer service. Picture a whole mcdonalds full of 18 - 19 year old girls who are just making money so they can go out and buy alcopops and fags. They care very little as to whether your McDonalds experience is a happy one. I felt like saying "I was 18 once you know, I was trendy, damn you!". I doubt they would believe me.

Coles have nappies on sale for $30 per box. oooher! Exciting stuff, I hear you say. I must respond to some emails from friends, I haven't sat down at the computer for ages.....trying to unpack and keep Mr Hay junior under control.

I can hear him swearing at something now, probably surrounded by:

a. dirt
b. soap
c. washing powder
d. dirty clothes
e. a mystery concoction of all the above.

I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder

2008-05-17T21:02:00.002+10:00

Crikey!

I hate to say it but it makes sense. Have a look at this article...http://esvc000144.wic027u.server-web.com/pdfs/U%20Borderline%20Personality%20Disorder.pdf

It pretty much describes me. So now I am going to soak up that knowledge and get some help! yay for help.

Love you all,

Deb xoxo

April was a write off and May has been crap!

2008-05-17T10:07:00.002+10:00

Good morning bloggers,

I am here at mum and dad's house in Finley (the house we used to live in) taking it easy while Richard, Alex, Mum and Dad go and get some furniture etc to move here from Tocumwal.

April was a write off cause I was too busy stressing about packing and doing the packing to blog or do anything apart from gaze at my own navel.

I am now going to take a little while to reflect over the past few weeks. You see, I had high hopes about moving to Shepparton, as well as being a little afraid of the change. I did my homework and sought out playgroups, MOPS, daycare workers, potential shopping districts, the gym, the library....I had my first week planned out.

Richard and I moved on the 3rd of May and I had big plans, was excited about unpacking and putting my mark on the house. Then, Alex started to get sick. He was happy enough on Sunday when I took him to church (richard stayed home for a much deserved sleep in)....then Sunday night he got very whingey and upset and when I checked him at about 10pm he was burning up and grunting in his sleep. I was very worried and rang mum (like you do)....then took him down to the hospital. By the time the doctor saw him, at about ten to one in the morning, he had calmed down and seemed fine.

Monday he was cross but still eating and drinking.... Monday night he woke every two or so hours and we gave him Panadol. Tuesday he was definitely not himself. I took him for a shower with me and on the way out of the bedroom, I slipped on the tiles, jarring my back and dropping the poor boy on the tiles. He wailed and wailed. I started to cry and rang the doctor here for an appointment. When I went there she diagnosed tonsilitis and sent us away with some antibiotics. He also had a bit of a rash around his mouth which she said was viral.

Tuesday night he woke every hour or so and his rash had gotten worse, blisters and stuff around his mouth and his little botty. I decided on Wednesday morning that I would take him over to see dad and get a second opinion. Dad had a look and diagnosed Herpes Simplex, the cold sore virus, which is very painful as the blisters get on the mouth and tounge. He wasn't drinking at all and sometimes spitting stuff out. Mum decided to come to shepparton with me and help with Alex and to help me unpack.

Just before we left Finley, I lifted a really heavy microwave out of mum's car....lifting with my back and not bending my knees. After the drive to Shep, I sat down for a bit, then when I went to get up my back spasmed painfully. I have had a back spasm before so thought, ok, heat pack and drugs, she'll be right. We went home and I sat on the lounge. After sitting for a while I decided to visit the bathroom and couldnt' stand! I crawled all the way and then got into bed. Richard and mum came to see me and I tried to have a shower but I couldn't stand..it was just too painful.

i also couldn't visit the bathroom so mum had to help me with a bedpan! How humilliating! Then Thursday morning mum rang an ambulance cause I just could not move. They gave me that pain thing to suck on whilst they put me in a wheelchair then on a bed. I was so awful, I felt like one of those massive fat women who end up stuck in their house cause of their extreme obesity and have to be winched out.

The doctor diagnosed a pinched nerve between the muscle spasm and prescribed heavy painkillers, which didn't make much of a dent to be honest. I was screaming like a woman in labour as I tried to get out of the bed. I also had to lay there for about four hours as the ER was really busy. I was dying for a pee and told a nurse...she said I'd have to get onto a chair loo...and I said "i am sorry but I can't stand up...I want to but I just can't!!". SO she shoved a bedpan under my butt and left me there, saying she would be back soon. Ten minutes later, as wee began seeping out of the pan and onto my sheets, another nurse came past. She pulled back the sheets after I explained my problem and exclaimed loudly "oh you've wet the bed, it's gone EVERYWHERE!" I started to cry because, hello....could it be more humilliating? She said "oh love, don't cry, we'll fix it". When the other nurse came back I said "oh that bed pan spilt'. "oh..."she said.."yes, I thought that might happen". Stupid woman!

So from Thursday last week til Wednesday this week, I didn't get out of bed much. I was able to use the toilet with help, and to go by myself on about sunday. Such a thrill for Richard to help his wife use the toilet. Life is so glamorous sometimes!

The phone has only just been connected by Optus, which has been very annoying, and the lady who we chose to be our daycare provider has been very inflexible and offputting about Alex and myself being sick. There was a disagreement over payments and she claimed that I had "upset her". My goodness, I thought. Grow a spine, lady. Then she rang family day care and they rang me and said that they thought it would be best for both if we got another daycare provider. Apparently this lady had just been in hospital for a procedure and was "fragile".

So when we go back I will have to go and see another daycare lady and see what happens there. I really miss our old Daycare lady.....Richard's sister Catherine. She was so caring and accommodating. I suppose our ex daycarer has just had fairly straightforward people and nobody who has had all the dramaz that we have had.

So there you have it. I really just hope that next week is better!

I love it when things make sense

2008-03-29T22:41:00.002+11:00

You know when you've judged someone harshly in the past, then they tell you something about themselves from back then....that changes the emotional landscape? It means you can put another context on things....be kinder......

It means that the image of the person you know becomes clearer....and nicer. I do like this person, more and more. Someone I blogged about and had to delete cause it was horrid.

I had a fantastic day today and I'm going to bed. Love you all. I love my mothers group friends. They are sooo choice (ferris bueller)

ps - Ange, I'll call you back tomorrow and the $2 is in the mail! :)

There's no escaping it - we are moving!

2008-03-25T20:15:00.002+11:00

Oh deary me....so yes, we are moving. Mum came over today and helped Richard and I start to pack. Richard has now caught the "packing bug" and the back of our house is littered with boxes. We are also finding stuff that we haven't seen in years! I found a 2006 calendar, where I have counted the weeks that I'm pregnant......counting down to the big 40 weeks! Which was actually the big 38 weeks......Mr Alexander decided that he would come early and disrupt his daddy's attempts to get a forklift license. Not that he did - Richard still got the license and took me to Shep hospital soon after.

Man that paragraph is disordered and full of lots of different thoughts. Hmm.

Our cat Chloe, keeps going to sleep in Alex's room. She hates Alex most of the time, runs away from him, so it is gorgeous to see her seeking some alone time with him! I love going in there to get him and seeing her sleek and sleepy in the corner. How I love cats. Some days I wish I was a cat....sleep all day and eat.....and nobody really cares too much if you're big and fat. You don't have to worry about having a bad hair day or putting on makeup.

I am also thinking about the blaming God thing for my Post Natal Depression. Does God want me to be unhappy? No...I am sure he doesn't. But he does want me to be of use to him...and perhaps before I had been through this, I was too selfish and self involved. I had no idea about real pain and suffering, about real grief. Perhaps God is giving me a chance to better myself and move forward. If I have a choice, I do want to believe in God. I do want to have a relationship with him. I have tried hating him and ignoring him....it doesn't work for me. I know that God is there, the bastard (joking people) and I know that he has things for me to do. I just have to take the next step forward and keep believing that one day it will be noice. I am still not so great at the moment....I still feel afraid of a lot of stuff, not sleeping well, don't feel like me, often feel like I am existing somewhere else when I am in a group situation, find it hard to contribute to conversations, love Alex but feel very confused about what I am supposed to do with him, find it difficult to be, find it difficult to get motivated to get out of the house, find it hard to cook meals, have no energy to clean the house, find decisions hard, fear the future, bla bla bla bla blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

But enough about me, how about you? What do you think about me??? (I will give a shiny $2 coin to the first person to name the movie that's from.......email me at deborah_in_canberra@hotmail.com)

and yes...I know I am no longer in Canberra. Thank you!~

Ethan Hawke is an ass...

2008-03-24T11:39:00.002+11:00

Back in the day, almost 10 years ago, my friends and I were mad about Ethan Hawke. He played Troy in "Reality Bites" and was sooo sooo cool and anti-establishment. I was 21 at the time and just longed for someone who was that rock-n-roll, that cool and all that.

Well that was then and this is now!! Upon viewing that movie at the ripe old age of 31, I find the ethan hawke character to be a selfish little man, who makes excuses for his own lack of accomplishments by ripping down others.....I think the Ben Stiller character would have been so much better for her, even though he seemed so cheesy at the time.

And now I read that Ethan Hawke, he of the "I will marry Uma Thurman, have children with her then let her down by sleeping with the nanny"...has written a song about her, calling her a fat beast. Ugh. Very very ugly. Makes me wonder if he wasn't playing himself in Reality bites.

http://celebrities.ninemsn.com.au/blog.aspx?blogentryid=85447&showcomments=true&rss=yes

He is still with the ex-nanny and has knocked her up. How classy.

Alex is finally asleep and Richard is outside doing lots of yard work. He's such a champ. I am sitting on my bottom contemplating housework. And I'm taking Alex out to my friend Sara's house this arvo, so he can play with his girlfriend, Allison. They are 6 days apart. So cute!

and another thing...

2008-03-17T00:18:00.002+11:00

Can I just mention how much I love the website http://www.gofugyourself.typepad.com ? Ok, thanks....it's fantastic. I always thought that I was fashion backwards because I don't like high waisted stuff, or leggings....and I have discovered that others feel the way I do! yay!!

Oh...and that guy from So You Think You Can Dance, Anthony (i think..) makes me feel slightly ill when he dances, it's the expression on his face...he looks like he thinks he's a porn star. eew.

I hate it when you make a really dumb joke and the person who you make the joke to just gives you a "you're so uncool" look....the girls at the IGA and newsagent here are particularly good at that. Makes me feel old, like a boring housewife. The bad part is that my friends and I, when we were 19, made fun of the stupid jokes that people made to us whilst we were serving them. Ahhh the cruel irony.

Ok I'm definitely going to bed now. niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhtt.

cavalcade of tumultuous feelings...

2008-03-16T22:07:00.002+11:00

Hmmm....now I am just showing off....although I had to look up dictionary.com to make sure those words meant what I thought they mean.

Anyhoo...I had a great weekend, very emotional but great. Saturday we got up and Richard helped me to clean the house. My friend Suzanne who I have known for 14 years (eek!) was coming up from Melbourne to visit, and although she said that she loves me warts and all, I preferred to excise some warts before she came a'visiting.

Suz is 23 weeks pregnant, due to pop on the 10th July, which is really exciting for her and Matt, he is a lovely South African dude that she has been with for some time. So we had lots of great talks about babies and labour and pregnancy and the whole caboodle. Some feelings of sorrow started to surface cause I can remember feeling soooo hopeful and happy about being pregnant, then the whole thing went wrong when I got Post Natal Depression.

Then we went out to my lovely friend Sara's for dinner with Sara, her hubby Nick, our other lovely friend Dimity and her man Chris. Richard and Suz both came along and there was much merriment and baby stories, as Sara and Dimity are both from my mothers group and both have little girls. It made me happy that I have such great friends, but sad that it's taken me this long to find them! I really have felt like a fish out of water for so long, living in Finley. These gals are so great, I really feel comfortable on them, like we're all on the same crazy wavelength. I'm going to miss them when we move to Shep.

Today Suz and I sorted through some baby clothes of Alex's, and some baby stuff that we're not going to use again.....we have pretty much decided that Alex is going to be an only child, due to the length and depth of my PND. I keep getting frustrated that I'm not completely better, still feel strange...yet I forget that for so long I felt so revolting, like I couldn't stand for another day to tick by, that I couldn't live for another minute. I remember reading an explanation of a guy who had been severely depressed with a mania attached, and how he described feeling like he couldn't live another second. I always devour stories of PND, and will the person to describe my feeling. I guess every person's feeling is different. Mine is starting to go...but I still don't feel normal.

I confessed to Suzanne today over brunch in Cobram (ladida!) that I felt like somewhat of a fraud telling her about babies etc, as I couldn't remember a lot (due to Shock Therapy) and the bits I could remember were horrid, such as him crying and crying and me crying and just wanting to run away. I wish I could remember him smiling but I can't, all I can remember is the crying and feeling of utter helplessness. I feel so sorry for me too, because I want to be happy about little babies....but I can't help feeling slightly repulsed by them and their neediness.

I feel guilty about having had PND and being sick for so long. I feel like I should apologise...but I can't without negating the validity of my experience. PND is not my fault....if I keep saying that then maybe one day I'll believe it. I reckon the moment you give birth you also give birth to a big sack of guilt....so add a mental disorder to the mix and voila! A big hearty dose of "I am a failure". Maybe it's time to go back to the counsellor? hmmm...yairs.

Well tomorrow is another day, with no mistakes in it, as Anne of Green Gables would say........so I'm sure tomorrow will be better and before you know it I will be back to sanity-ville!! :)

Moronnnnnnnnnnnn

2008-03-12T22:19:00.004+11:00

Ok, I did it again. I have a problem and I keep thinking I'm over it...but then I just get so angry and before I know it I am in deep trouble again. I wish just for once that I could calm down. Anger managment may be needed. Maybe I should knit a jumper for a cat (that's an Adam Sandler reference, people!)

I don't want to say too much or people will guess. I feel sooo guilty though. Poor Alex saw when I was yelling and he got really upset and cried. Now not only do I feel like a bad person, I feel like a bad mother, who is scarring her child for life!

everything had been going so well today.....happy child playing, mother reading a lovely book and a nice phone call from Richard to say that he missed me. Mum dropped in and we chatted and Alex ate and spilt various bits of food.

I am scared about moving to Shepparton. I am sure it will be good but I hate change. I crave it but I hate it. Who's going to be my friend in Shep? I have formed a nice posse here in Finley, our mothers group consisting of Sara, Dimity, Wendy D, Wendy C, me and Tessa Mc (sometimes). We have been catching up more lately and this weekend we're all going to be very grown up and have tea! And all the hubbies can meet and hopefully get along. I am excited, I like my girlfriends and I am sure I will like their hubbies.

My good friend Tamara Nicholson turned...ummm...I think 27 on Monday. Yay! I must ring her tomorrow....I rang her on her birthday night but she was in bed after a long weekend.

I was very proud of my behaviour over the course of our brisbane holiday. Others may beg to differ, but they can keep their opinions to themselves. The best part for me was when the car hire place lady was looking at Perez Hilton on her computer. Awesome, I thought.

I should really post a nice picture of us as a family...although I don't know if we got many of them!

It's gone....all gone

2008-02-24T16:39:00.002+11:00

I decided to delete my bitchy post as it wasn't uplifting. It's one thing to think stuff, another to write it in a public forum in a place where I know that others will be looking.

I have been quite cantankerous all weekend and think it's time to move on to the positive side....asking why why why isn't going to change things. I am excited about going to Brisbane but hope I don't look too blubberous in the photos. A major dietary and exercise change is coming after said hols!

I feel quite cross with some people...I guess I feel like people should make more of a fuss over me. I feel left out, which is silly.....who am I including and why do other people have to make all the effort? Because I said so, that's why! hehe. I am aware that I am being irrational so am trying to keep away from people until the storm passes.

Must go and read the paper and sit with my lovely hubby (who weathers a lot of stormy weather from me!!)

It's tricky to rock around, to rock around that's right, I said it's TRICKYYYYYYYYYYYYYY...

2008-02-19T14:34:00.003+11:00

I open today's post with a Beastie boys song that has been in my head all of today. I think of my lovely friend Suzanne when I sing it, as we would often be silly and sing that song together.... oh and I can remember being on the podium of my favourite nightclub and thinking I was pretty darn cool, dancing away to that song, in the vain hope that some nice guy would see me and decide I was the one that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

Luckily I did not have to employ such methods to coax Richard into a such an agreement. I feel that perhaps if I had jumped onto a podium and done that at my sister Jen's wedding, where I first got to dance with him.....that he may have been too embarassed for me to ask me out.

Oh do shut up, Deborah. enough random silliness for today. hehe.

I have been browsing Facebook, like you do, and have discovered a whole clutch of old schoolfriends. I discovered the boy that both of my friends went out with in year 7, 1988...not at the same time though. I decided not to add him because I hardly said two words to him. I am trying earnestly to find my dear schoolfriend Kim Kaczmarek, but I fear that she has changed her name and is not on facebook.

I have got a bit of a tan from walking around town with Alex in the pram, as usually my skin tone is quite white. It does serve as a bit of a problem, cause when I put my foundation on, it's quite white and my skin isn't really. Maybe I need to buy more foundation? Yay, beauty products bonanzaaaaaaaaa!

Alex has just started to stir from his nap, so I will go and clutch him to my bosom and at some stage throughout this afternoon, will also cook a quiche and vaccum the floor. How's that for excitement?!?!?!

Snaps to my sister Woodie for sitting through a 5 hour lecture. Crivens! That's just not nice.

How bad do you want it?

2008-02-18T10:04:00.003+11:00

I was thinking today, I whinge and moan that I can't lose any weight, but am I really trying? I continually think about sweets and things that are bad for my figure - I have the craziest sugar cravings and they rule my head. All day, while Alex is crying or playing or whatever, I think "soon I can have a piece of cake or a biscuit" sometimes I think "soon I can have a carrot stick or a piece of fruit". Not often though. I need a major overhaul in my thoughts, but I can't be bothered. It all seems like too much hard work. I guess they call it fast food for a reason!

Alex really annoyed me this morning. I was going to be early for daycare today, except he found some italian dressing in the fridge (yes this technically makes me a bad mother for letting him play with it), and spilled it all over himself. Then when I grabbed him and was trying to clean it up, he did one of those lovely tantrum-esq back thrusts and wouldn't stand on his legs so I could get his pants off. I was trying to remove his clothes so I didn't trail italian dressing all the way down the hall. I yelled "stand up! Stand UP! STAND UPPPPPPPPPPP!!" and of course, he cried. Ugh, I felt so low. Poor bubba. He is going through this really full on clingy and violent phase, where he tries to throw things at other kids, to push people, to smack people and just go limp, dead weight, and thrust around. It's so full on. Sometimes I just lose it and yell. Then I felt bad cause I bet the neighbours can hear and I hope they're not telling people "oh that Hay woman really lost it this morning"....

I am now going to go and run a nice soaky bath and relax into it, then have a rest. I was in the shop before buying somg glad wrap (fascinating, I know), and I was thinking "bloody this, bloody that, ugh I'm so fat, why did I yell at Alex, stupid glad wrap"...you know, positive stuff like that? And then I pulled myself up. This time last year I couldn't even go to the shop by myself. This time last year I was nearly back in hospital again. That reminded me of the trips to the little shop over the road when I was in the pysch hospital in Albury. They became the highlight of the day and a time when I'd stare at other people in the shops and think "I wish I was you...I wish I had your life....I wish I was SANE and not crippled by this mass depression". Well now I am pretty much almost back there and I am complaining about Glad wrap? I mean, get some perspective, woman!

So today is brought to you by the word "perspective".

I AM SO ANNOYED AT MY STUPID BODY

2008-02-16T15:20:00.004+11:00

Hello, good afternoon and welcome to my nightmare.

I have had post natal depression for 17 months now. I have been on lots of different medications to try and normalise me. The one that I've been on for about eight months is a combination of lithium and nortriptoline, which is an old fashioned tryciclic antidepressant. Lithium is a mood stabliser.

Now I have never been a small girl, standing at just under six foot tall, I usually weigh about 90-100 kilos, depending on how I am going. When I fell pregnant with Alex, I weighed 93kgs, and I got to about 116 with him on board. I was back down to 101 a couple of weeks after I'd had him. I then lost heaps of weight and went down to about 90 because I couldn't eat due to mass anxiety.

I was about 100 kilos before I went home from hospital in June last year, and have been trying to get that weight off ever since I've been home. Nothing has worked. My weight has been steadily climbing, from 103 to 105 to my all time high of 107 just recently. I am so upset and I feel like I hate my body at times. The effort that I had to put in to lose weight when I wasn't on this medication is needed at all times for me not to put on weight. The moment i have a sugar fix or eat unhealthily, I see it on the scales. I hate it so much. I feel disgusting.

We are off to Brisbane in two weeks time and I DO NOT FEEL GOOD ABOUT SEEING OLD FRIENDS WHEN I LOOK LIKE THIS. I feel like a fat pig. I feel like a failure. I feel like a waste of space. I don't feel attractive, I don't feel like I matter. So guess what that makes me feel like doing? Eating lots. Which is great, self defeating and all the rest. I know I need to stick to a sensible diet but it is so frigging hard! I just feel like, "what's the sodding point of it all as I'm only going to put on more weight?!?" gaaaaaaaaaaah.

Hello to Sara! thanks for reading my blog :)

Our minister has started calling me "BIG RED"!!

2008-02-15T13:34:00.002+11:00

ok...so this week's installment of my blog finds me slightly annoyed that the minister of our church thinks he is able to call me big red. I hate being called big red, I hated it all through school and I particularly hate it now. I do not mind being called "red", as I quite enjoy being a redhead....but why the "big" part? He has a wife and kids.....two of whom are girls....surely he knows that it is NOT ok for anyone to call a girl/woman "big"! (Unless she introduces herself as such). I find it so insulting. (I just wrote him an email to say "thanks but no thanks!')

Richard's boss when he was working for Case here in Finley, called me "Big Red" at a social function and I burst into tears. (was about four years ago) I am sure it wasn't meant in a horrible manner....but ahhh it brings back so many horrid school memories. At school, they also called me "Big Betty", from Betty on Hey Dad - she was the silly secretary with red hair. I wanted to get some sort of revenge on them all and show up at the school reunion looking fabulous or turn up with a really hot guy at our graduation....but never quite got around to it.

I reckon being a teenager is horrible. Your face and body are out of control, you have all these hormones....blah! I have always wanted to be cool - wanted to be acceptable. I have had varying degrees of success, but most of my victories have been empty cause I didn't really believe that I was worth it. I'm still working on that. But since Alex has come along, I have made a lot of progress in that area. I've grown in patience...I've had to! I have also realised that I have to do the right thing for Alex and Richard and I, and stuff everyone else. Well, not quite, but you do get a lot of advice when you've a little one.

Bla bla bla, what else? Hmm, I have been thinking about my beautiful little boy and how in love with him I am. Can't believe that the Post Natal Depression was so horrid that I just wanted him to go away! I associated the feelings I was having with him being there and just wanted it all to go away. It has been a slow process....I still feel guilty about feeling like that....but it was what it was, I can't change it by wishing it away. Lots of women get PND.

I really enjoy my mothers group. The girls in it are so much fun and I really feel at home with them. We're all similar in some respects and different in others. Everyone has found having a bub to be a massive upheaval! Hmmm....not much else to report, other than the fact that we are going to Bribane! Yay! In about two weeks. Can't wait.

Massive post and massive proctrastination!

2008-02-08T14:08:00.000+11:00

So I wrote a massive post and guess what happened then? Alex pulled the cord out of the wall and the computer went dead. No more post. I was putting together a list of 10 happy songs...and that will get there. Sometime soon, perhaps over the weekend.

I have been looking at sooo much internet. Cannot be good for me...but it seems to be what I've been doing lately when I am tired and trying to muster up the enthusiasm for work. I very much would like to be amusing and witty but ooh....I'm a bit tired for all that today. Alex has gone for a sleep...and I think I need a little nap too. We went to the park this morning and I let go of him too soon on the slide, poor little man ended up eating some bark. He was very upset. Poor boy! I gave him a big cuddle and he soon settled down. It's a learning curve all right!

I've been trying to stay in better touch with some of my friends who don't live here. I have been corresponding a bit with my friend suz and she gave me this new website address - http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/, and another one www.televisionwithoutpity.com , which was particularly good as I missed the last episode of America's next top model. yeah.

Richard and Alex and I are going to go to Brisbane in about a month, which is really exciting as I'll get to see my best friend Jen and another schoolfriend Renae, who is pregnant. I haven't seen Jen for about 3 years and Renae for about 10. It is also a bit scary cause I will have to appear on a beach. So the diet has gone into warp factor nine. Why am I so addicted to sugar? hmmm.

I am about to fall asleep, but luckily I do not have to read Calvin like my poor sister Angela. I am going to read a trashy mag/book and lie on my bed with a heat pack on my belly. Yes, it's that time. mmmm.

Vanilla sky

2008-01-31T12:51:00.000+11:00

Well I sat and watched a bit of this movie when it was on, Tuesday morning and I was trying to clean up the house. I saw it with my friend Suzanne, I think, years ago.....when it first came out in 02 or 03? I think I saw it with Suz. Anyho...

At the time I hated the movie, thought it was a seinfeld movie, a movie about nothing, tom cruise's posturings and his silly spanish piece of fluff, bla bla bla.... but oh dear....tuesday it really got to me.

Tom's character is a serial romancer, who has a bed buddy, played by Cameron Diaz.....she is mega serious about him but he's not in the least bit serious about her. He also has a lovely friend played by Jason Lee, who never gets the chick, cause tommy boy is always getting the chick. Anyway, at a party at his house, one that he hasn't invited Cammy to....he meets Penelope Cruz's character, a spirited painter and dancer. Jason Lee has his eye on her but when they meet it's obvious that TC and PC like each other. Jason Lee takes him to one side and says "you could have anyone, why do you have to take the one I like?" Tom smiles but pursues her anyway, walking her home and save a kiss goodbye, saving their chemistry for later. He walks away and sees Cameron's character waiting in a car, wanting to talk to him.....she says, as friends...

So to prove he isn't a total a-hole, Tom gets in the car. she then goes ballistic and commits suicide by driving the car off a bridge, and injuring his beautiful face. He doesn't cope well with the change in his life....which is only that of perception. He's still the same person, but he believes that people don't see him as they used to. He believes that they feel sorry for him. He is so stuck and so sick that he believes that the only way out is Suicide. His emotions and perceptions are soooo ugly, he believes there is no way out for him, that anyone who wants to be in his life from now on is only doing so because they feel sorry for him. The film where he takes the pills, he is so desperate, so ugly in his fear, and so wrong about the rest of the world. People care about him but because he can't control how they see him anymore, he can't cope.

I cried and cried because this is something that I have struggled with so much in my postnatal depression. I believe anyone who wants to get to know me feels sorry for me and I want to control how they see me. I don't think I'm well enough yet, I don't think I'm perfect enough for anyone to love me or want me. All I see is my flaws...they cloud my perception of everything anyone else says or does. He had the windows shut and there was no light...there was no rest, there was no peace in ending his life. THere were people waiting to be his friend and to love him, but all he had to do was go outside. It would hurt for a while and be strange, but soon he could be a friend as well as have a friend. He could help other people who had been through the same thing. He could see that life is not a perfect tragectory and moving straight up, but that a lot of life is falling down (sometimes really hard) and getting back up and trying to walk again.

Much of our classic art and literature and music was composed by artists who were suffering, artists who knew pain and who tried to communicate this pain. Pain and suffering is not nice, not nice at all...but it can be the start of massive growth and maturity. It gives you character. Suicide is not the answer, not ever. There is always another chance, there is always another day.

Lots and lots of love to you all. and more songs soon!

Music is my emotional currency...

2008-01-29T16:27:00.000+11:00

I think I have watched too many John Hughes films or something....but I just love music. I love having a song to associate with a moment. I mark periods of mass depression or upset with song. I also mark happiness with song and am never happier than when music is blaring. I hate showering without it, I hate working without it, I definitely hate driving without it.

Here are my top ten songs to be depressed to:
"dark star" - Suede
"halcyon and on"- Orbital
"silence" - Sarah McLachlan
"apologise" - Timbaland & One Republic
"touch me" - Rui DaSilva
"jackie" - Bz with Joanne (yes I do have a thing for crappy 90s dance music)
"love supreme" - Robbie Williams
"feel" - Robbie Williams
"you said that you would love only me" - not sure who sings this one...tried to find out on the internet and all I got was http://www.tuneid.com/312550-post1.html
"unbreak my heart" - Toni braxton

hmmm this is actually harder than I thought it would be....am trying to access hidden pockets of depressed music-listening

This has taken a lot longer than I thought it would and I will now publish this and tune in tomorrow for the happy songs!!

Kindergarten Cop

2008-01-27T15:48:00.000+11:00

I have been thinking about this movie lately....my good friend Laura and her friend Michael quoted it all the time when we were at uni. Michael scared Laurs one night cause he rang her answering machine and said "His head is so big he can't wear any hats"....over and over in this high pitched voice. It's hilarious though....I love the bit where the kids talk about their dads, and the bit where the kiddies are going crazy, running all over the place....and he yells out "shhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuutt uuuuuuuuuuuuupppppppppp!"....and all the kids start crying and he's like.....oh dear. I think of that often, when Alex is refusing to go to sleep or something......I imagine myself yelling it. I never do it. Honest! I've probably yelled at him a handful of times, when he is doing something really naughty....and the look on his face....poor little man. Enough to make me never do it again!

I also bought "girls just wanna have fun" on dvd and I am sooooooooooooooooooo in love with that movie. I think cause I first saw it at a sleepover when I was about 10, and life was so simple back then. I just love it cause it's a movie where good truimphs over bad, where the girl gets the guy and they win! It would be interesting if they did a followup on that movie. Helen Hunt was soooo great as Lynne Stone. And I love the eighties music. So good.

I'm going to get my hair cut this week and I think I might go to Shepparton. I really want something that's funky and perhaps some layers or foils. Not too light though, light foils make me look scary. I need to find a hairdresser who does funky hairstyles for curly hair. My hair is very bizarre and does not behave how normal hair behaves.

Richard is watching I-robot and Alex is tugging at my foot. best go. byeeeeee xoxo

Back's getting better and going crafty!

2008-01-24T18:48:00.000+11:00

Well I had a pretty good day today, made some biscuits and vacummed the floor twice. It was great. hehe. I was looking at Facebook today and it's always awkward when you see people that you've gone out with on there. Ugh. Makes me realise how young and dumb I was when I lived in Canberra. Always with the wanting approval thing.

Not that I'm fixed on that yet....still in counselling and that is going pretty well. I think there are just people who seem to be born without life's rule book and I am one of them. I have no male friends who aren't gay....I find it very difficult to talk to guys that aren't either my husband or related to me by marriage. I think it's got a bit to do with my personality and a bit to do with being one of three gals. Who knows.

Tonight I'm off to this craft night that they're holding at the church hall. Any of my friends who know me well will know how little I like craft, believing it to be a) boring and b) a time waster. But, there are lots of people here who like craft and I spose I shouldn't be craft-ist. If I get bored I can easily come home...Richard has taken Alex out to his parents farm for dinner. Which means yay, a no-cook night for me. Yipee!

Also, America's next top model is on tonight which is awesome. I love the trash. I'm off to Cobram tomorrow to GROCERY SHOP! Stop shouting, I hear you say.....heheh. Grocery shopping is one of my highlights for the week. I get to spend money and look at stuff. Yay!

Heath Ledger, how sad

2008-01-23T21:49:00.000+11:00

http://perezhilton.com/2008-01-23-the-latest-on-the-heath-ledger-tragedy

Just checked Perez Hilton for his take on the sad news about Heath Ledger. Man....I can understand wanting to kill yourself, cause for a lot of last year, I felt like it was my only option. I had so much going for me and so many people who cared about me, but none of it could break through the darkness that I felt. I really wanted it to, but I just felt like if anyone who loved me knew how bad that I felt, that they would understand me not wanting to be around. It is so horrific that unless you have stood in someone with Major depression or a substance dependency issue's shoes....you can't really judge.

Still incredibly sad and he's so young! he's about six months younger than my little sister, Angela......my gosh.....he still had so much to do, so much to live for. At the end of the day it doesn't really matter what I think though......life goes on, doesn't it? Sometimes it's hard to make sense of it all......I remember that bit in Reality Bites where Ethan Hawke's character says something like "life is just a lottery of meaningless coincidences and a series of near misses".... That's sure what it seems like sometimes. I guess the thing with believing in God, we believe that there is a reason for it all, that it's not all in vain, that there is some higher power making sense of it all when it all seems like meaningless bullshit to us.

Had a great day today, had the girls around for mothers group, had a massage and had a nanna nap this afternoon. I am still a little bit scared of not being able to sleep, but it's getting less and I am a lot better. Went and had dinner with some lovely friends, Darren and Kate, and they have a little boy Roree who is 3 months older than Alex. It was lovely. Just sitting around talking crap and laughing...one of those lovely evenings which you can never plan.

I feel very lucky to be alive. Which is so nice because for so long I didn't care either way. 2008 IS the year of victory!

Dance music

2008-01-21T20:50:00.000+11:00

Hey all,

Well this week just gone has been very very lazy, cause of my sore back all I did was sit around and watch dvds and videos! On Saturday while Richard was working out in the shed on his car, I sat and watched almost all of my "This Life" vid, it was good. Reminded me of what I used to be like, what my life was like when I was a singleton in Canberra. A bit scary really. Being married has changed me a lot, and most of it is for the better. No more smoking or drinking or excessive swearing. I like to think I'm a bit less judgemental but who knows.

I also viewed "Girls just want to have fun" almost two times! Oh...I was so excited when the DVD came and I could catapult myself back into the eighties. It got me quite nostalgic about when I was going to sleepovers, when I was 10 and 11. Life seemed so much simpler then. It did bring home to me some of the bad points about "girls just wanna" that I had never considered before. SJP was sposed to be 16 and in her final year of highschool, or second final....and was sneaking out of her house in Chicago to go and meet a boy. I've been to Chicago and I thought it was quite scary in parts, so I can certainly understand her parent's desire to keep her safe at home. But it's easy to see her side of it too. Being a parent now, you can see that the parents portrayed in movies aren't so bad as they seemed when you were a kid. Parenting is not an exact science and it's something that I fail at daily........I don't hit the mark of the kind of parent I always thought I'd be. But then I've always been the kind of person who thinks getting fit or going on a diet would be fun, but only if I did it with a movie-style montage of daily walks or speeded up progress. I'm all for the ideas but the actual follow-through....hmmm...not so much. Several abandoned gym memberships and weightloss company memberships are evidence to that fact.

Intentions are great, but the proof is in the doing. If you think about your friends all the time but never call them, you're not really a good friend.

My challenge this week is to not buy any other food than what I have in the house. I think that's where we are spending a bit of money. I always like to think that money's for spending and show my love by showering people with food. Not literally. hehe.

anyway, that's it for me for this monday. Alex is gorgeous and so cute. He went back to daycare today and I really missed the little guy. Lots of changes are afoot in the Hay household. Will have to update soon!

Should be in bed alseep

2008-01-16T23:41:00.000+11:00

hello all - I'm sitting here looking on stuff on the puter, which is silly cause I should be in bed! I am thinking that i need to start shopping with a menu plan in place so I just don't go to the shops and get ten million loads of stuff, but then get home and realise I've got no milk or butter or something.

But just as I go to look up these very things on the internet, somehow my mouse clicks onto www.perez.com and facebook and oh dear......I spend ages on the net doing not much.

Poor little Alex was crying out a while ago, I was wondering what it was and then I went in to see and our little kitten, Ricki, was jumping up and down on him. Naughty girl, she is!

I originally only got up cause i really had to read the last few pages of the book i was reading. Gosh it was good. Nothing I love more than a good book, one that drags you in and involves you.
I am now going to go be involved with my bed. yay!

Good night!

Ow ow ow.....hurt my back

2008-01-15T19:50:00.001+11:00

A lovely picture of my gorgeous Hubby and gorgeous baby (pre-haircut). I'll have to get a post haircut one for you all to see!

Well hello everyone. My whinge tonight is about my lower back and its inability to perform certain functions! Mum and Dad had a look at it on Sunday and said it's my sciatic nerve or something, something to do with picking up a 12 kilo toddler all the time. Damn. It sure hurts. I have been trying to lay off the painkillers, especially while I have been looking after Alex. The last two days, in the afternoon, I've been going and laying down with my heat pack (which makes things a bit sweaty cos of the heat), two pain pills and a book. Most arvos I doze off, which is wonderful. I love an afternoon nanna nap.

Hoping this gets better by the weekend. I have been sticking close to home today. Had a visit from my lovely Sister in Law, Catherine.....we ate a bit of chocolate together..hehe. She even let me drive her new car! Wahey! Then my lovely Mother in Law, Glad, showed up, we talked for a bit and ate some watermelon. I had a lovely long conversation with Mum, reviewing all my angsty feelings and getting some much needed support. My family are so lovely. I feel lucky to be part of such a supportive family and family in law.

As for the little boy, he has been very cute today, has been climbing a lot and taken to climbing into his pram and highchair. He is very clever and needs a lot of watching at the moment. He's so gorgeous (see picture!) and I feel very glad to be his mummy.

Lots of love to you all.

Chevy Chase and feeling a bit better

2008-01-14T14:30:00.000+11:00

So yesterday's post was pretty dire. Things weren't going well in the world of Deb. I think sometimes I need to get to that point and lose it completely before things get any better. There is a lot to be excited about in my life. There is also heaps to be sad about, but that's true of anyone. The point is that I can't change anything that has been by dwelling on it or using it as proof that crap happens to nice people (well I think I'm nice!) If anything, by dwelling on the hard time we've had in the past year or so, it gives that more power. The only way to get through this is to take a positive step now and again. Stop saying "it's not fair" and accept it. Life goes on and someday this will all be a bad memory. A story I can tell someone when they are in deep emotional trouble, of how it all got better, eventually.

I don't think I am going to have any more kids though. Alex will have to be an only child! Luckily he has lots of cousins and kiddies his age in the church.

I just finished reading Chevy Chase's authorised biography....it was kind of interesting, but the lady so had the hots for him, all she did was blabber on and on about how handsome and charismatic he was bla bla bla. It's funny cause I grew up with Chevy Chase as this goofy old dude who was in movies. I looked at some of the photos in the biography, and she's right - he was quite good looking. Quit with the shameless bum kissing though, lady! And it was all very factual and not..hmm.....didn't flow that well. It was one of those books that you finish reading cause you keep thinking it's going to get better. But it didnt'! I quite enjoyed the anecdote of him standing up at an awards dinner and going off about how George W Bush was a moron who's made very bad decisions. My respect for C.C. went up after that. I am sure he is glad, a 30 something mum in Australia respects him more, phew!

While I'm talking about books, I have to say that one of my favourite authors' last book was really really disappointing. The first time I ever read a Marian Keyes book, I was sold. I just re-read "Lucy Sullivan is getting married" and I remember why I loved it so much. Also loved "Watermelon", "Rachel's Holiday" and the other one about Angels. But gah......"Is there anybody out there".....very very disappointing. It attempts to tell the story of the remaining Walsh sisters, Helen and Anna......but it's really unsatisfying and hollow. Everyone is a caricature.....especially her sister Rachel, some sort of AA nut, which is disappointing. There are normal people in AA, or so I'm led to believe. Her sister Claire, whose story was told in Watermelon, comes across as some tragic forty something who won't accept her real age....not the Claire we met in Watermelon.

Anna you kind of feel sorry for, but don't get much of an idea about what she really thinks, she seems to have her introspection removed. And don't get me started on Helen. She comes across as harsh, two dimensional and kind of ....sad..... really. I mean what 29 year old woman with any self respect continues to live with her parents and avoid any sort of responsibility? Something very wrong there. You'd think that she'd grow up somewhat during the course of all those books. The sisters, and the mother and father, seem to not only respect her choices, but encourage her. I think if she'd just stuck to telling Anna's story, that would have been fine...but she has included longer and longer emails from Helen and her mum, which strikes me as a bit of a cop-out. Just stick an unfeasible story from Helen in an email and you don't need to fill those four pages with character development. Helen is a character who I care very little about, and frankly felt annoyed everytime an email from her took up a page or two. I felt like saying "enough with the Helen, give her another book!".

Ahh...now I feel horribly guilty cause I really do love Marian. I just think she got it way wrong here. Anyone else?

Absolutely bloody insane and massive dose of the "can't be bothereds"

2008-01-13T16:16:00.001+11:00

Ok, so I have been having a few not so crash hot days. I love my family and my life and I have so much to be grateful for, but I'm really having a bit of trouble feeling it.

I am a Christian, and believe in God and all that jazz, but I have been having massive problems with forgiving him for the terrible year that I had last year. How am I supposed to trust him and believe this year will be great when he let me go through the torture and hell that last year was? I am so mad at him that I can't be bothered to pray or read the bible or anything. I feel so cross. And I know that I'm not the only one who's felt like this, that other people have probably felt the same when people they love die or a big upheaval happens.....but I am remaining defiant and probably hurting myself more in the process. I can't imagine ever not believing in God...and I know that I want to believe in him, but my concept of right and wrong has taken a big knock lately. How could God let this happen to me and my family? Why can't everything be happy and jolly all the time? Damn you God, I feel like screaming.

And then I feel guilty because I'm sure that other people don't feel like this and that if I just put my faith in God then everything will be ok. Well I don't feel like that is true either...because when I started getting really sick with Post Natal Depression last year, I thought if I just kept believing and trusting in God then I would get better, or at least I would get some sort of sign from God to keep on going. And I didn't!! All I got was nothing. Worse than nothing, despair and sadness and FEAR. If trusting in God leads me there, then why would I want to ever trust God again? But I know that I can't not believe in God. So how do I reconcile the torment that has been my life in the past year with the love that I'm sposed to believe that God has for me? I don't get it. I hate him sometimes. And I know that all that is doing is creating a bitterness in me that grows and hurts me.

How come other people have massive earth shaking things happen to them and it strengthens their faith? Why am I so weak and untrusting? I don't feel like it is a choice that I can make. I feel like if I'm not pissed off with God then I'm not being true to myself.

I am very grateful for my wonderful son, my gorgeous husband and my amazing extended family who have helped me get through the past 16 months. I just would like a lightning bolt, a neon sign from above saying that my faith has healed me.....but that's impossible cause I don't feel like I have any faith left. I feel jaded and tired and sick of trying. Why should I bother?

Sorry this is not more uplifting and about pop culture or amusing things Alex does. I am not going to do anything silly, I am just looking for answers. But, strangely enough, I don't want to do anything to get them. I want them to come to me. I want life to be an episode of "Twin Peaks", that doesn't make sense, but a dwarf comes to me in a dream and reveals everything. Bring me a piece of Cherry Pie too!

I'm sure tomorrow I will wake up feeling more accepting. I have been back down again for a couple of days, probably since thursday. New week's gotta be better.

Dreadful end to the crazy day!

2008-01-09T20:33:00.000+11:00

Oh dear.....I am being most irrational today. Not good. I hate fighting, yet I seem to be so good at it. Why is that? You know, I can always think up something horrible to say or a way to put the other person down. Maybe it's my unhappy teenage years spent whiling the hours away thinking up horrible insults to say to the blonde surfie chicks who called me names.

I remember I had some Dolly and Girlfriend magazines, and I had brought them along to the rehearsals of the musical I was in. I thought that would make me pretty popular, so imagine my distress when I heard a few of the surfie chicks say to each other "oh....magazines...cool! Whose are they?" "I think they belong to that fat chick"...........yes...that is the stuff that angst is made of.

I also remember another time where I was walking along the school corridors feeling a little insecure (I had pulled one side of my hair up with a comb and thought I looked ok). I walked past the friends of the latest guy I had a crush on and one of them yelled out "Ya fat piece of sh1t!". Again - angsty!!

Isn't it funny that I still remember that? Or is it just creepy. I also remember the time that the group I was sitting with at lunchtime, one of the girls said that the group had decided that I and two other girls were not welcome to sit with them anymore (I think we were dragging the cool-ness average down).......Oh the horror! And the revenge I plotted to avenge this rejection! Alas, none of it came to fruition. One of the girls who was also kicked out took this badly and ignored me from then on. She is now one of my friends on Facebook. Isn't life funny!

A crazy crazy day!

2008-01-09T14:44:00.000+11:00

So yesterday was a very very full on day! I decided that I would go to the gym, and I needed about 1,000,000 pieces of crap to make that journey...eg, Alex's nappy bag containing a change of clothes, something to eat, nappies, wipes, bonjela (which is stuff to put on their teeth when they are teething), then my gym bag, containing a change of clothes and a towel, my bag, car keys, purse, mobile, ten million bits of paper, my shopping list.....I refuse to be one of those ladies who carry a nappy bag and use that as a handbag. Even if it's a really funky leather nappy bag. I carry my own bag most of the time to show that I have an identity distinct from mother and crappy nappy changer. hehe. (a lady said that once and I thought it was a good idea, so I decided to copy her)

Once I had exited the building with ten thousand pieces of baby and mother paraphenalia, the cat shot past my foot and ran back into the house. This is a problem as she hasn't taken to toilet training and likes to pee on the lounge and poo in corners. we have enough problems with lavatorial smells without encouraging them! This is the same cat who, as I was changing the stinky nappy mentioned in my earlier post, squatted in readiness for a fecal or urinal discharge. The same cat who I reached over and THUMPED. So I was stressed out about trying to get out the door and the piddling cat runs in, adding to my stress. AAAAAAAAAAAh!! I loaded Alex and the thirty million bits of crap into the car, put the aircon on and ran inside to flush the intruder out of the house. She kept running under things and I got so annoyed, I started yelling at her and finally I cornered her, and threw her down the back end of the house, opening the back sliding door so that she could get out and go to the toilet (theoretically).

Then I had huge remorse for yelling at and thumping the cat, I want everyone to like me, especially kittens. hehe. So I ran back into the back end of the house through the sliding door to pat this kitty and reassure her. She backed away like I was a scary monster, which was good for the ego. I eventually calmed her down and patted her and gave her a treat. Yes, it is true that all problems can be solved by food means.

ok, so I'm on my way to the gym.....when we get there, Alex continues to be very upset and I am very surprised, as he usually whinges a bit but once he sees the sandpit and the bike and everything, he's right into it. Yesterday he didn't want to leave me and cried heaps when I handed him to the creche lady. Naturally, I thought he would be fine once he'd settled down and went to walk on the tready. However, the lady came back in and said "he won't settle, we can't put him down"...and I went back in and he grabbed me and wouldn't let go. Poor bub. He wouldn't let the ladies put him down, and there's only 2 of them for about 11 or so kids. So I was going to have a big workout and go grocery shopping...and I couldn't do either. He was so fussy, poor little boy. So I did what I always do and went and saw mum! She and nan were having a quiet day at home and I told mum about Alex being cranky and fussy and she agreed to keep him while I did the shopping.

It's bizarre, but even though I find it very full on going shopping with him, will he have a tantrum, will he scream and cry and everyone will look at me, I still miss him when I go shopping without him. Go figure. Motherhood is one strange profession!

I have more details, breaking my day down in minutae, but I can't be bothered to type them. Today we've been cleaning....or I've been cleaning, and Alex has been whingeing.......but now he's happier. Mum came over, like the legend she is and helped me out a bit this afternoon... Alex and I went for a walk to the library and post office....it was stinkingly hot and all I want to do is lay down...but my darling son has an excess of energy and wants to run around the house sticking foreign objects where they do not belong. hehe. I'm sure I'll look back on these days as happy ones.....but not quite yet!

Monday was housework day. How thrilling (note sarcasm)..

2008-01-08T08:17:00.000+11:00

Yup, so yesterday I got all motivated and did three, count them three, loads of washing! stripped the bed and changed the sheets.... unpacked the dishwasher, roamed around and picked up toys and bits and pieces. I hate it so much but I must admit that the end result is soo good. Makes me feel like I have truimphed. Triumph over the house to Xena the warrior princess!

Oh dear. I think I smell that smell, the lovely smell that we know as..."nappy change time". Richard did the first nappy for the day and when he'd changed it, he said "hmm, that was a pretty small one. Wouldn't be surprised if there was more to come". hehe. It doesn't seem to be bothering Alex too much, he's climbing all over his toy tractor as if he has not a care in the world. So now I must go and attack him....bring him kicking and screaming into the nursery, rip off his clothes, tussle with his flailing limbs, rip his nappy off, and keep him from grabbing his nappy and spraying poo everywhere, keep his hands away from his pooey bum while holding his legs in one hand and trying to wipe with the other. After the tanty, he will smile and toddle away happily. I however, will shake my head and hope that other mothers find it as hard as I do....or am I just crap at it? Oh, the insecurity of motherhood. It would be great if you could take a course and had a manual. As people keep saying to me, you make it up as you go along...whatever suits you and the baby is the best thing, not what other people think.

There is a lady I know who is very competitive with her baby and always pushing her to get to the next milestone and gloating if/when she does. I hope her baby doesn't grow up with some sort of inferiority complex. Although sometimes I do, and think ha ha ha, that would serve you right. What a nasty person!

One of my fabulous good friends from Melbs rang last night, she is part of the gang of four of us from ANU in 1994 (that means I have known her for 14 years, truly scary!)....and she is up the duff!! very exciting! Cause no matter how great your mothers group friends are, it is always wonderful when someone you have known forever has a bub......you feel like you can really unleash what you truly think. I am so excited for them! I've told her she has to have a girl so that she and Alex can get married. Not that I'm a pushy mum either...... :)

Today I'm off to the gym and grocery shopping. Grocery shopping is always something that requires a bit of girding of the loins, it requires preparation (a list, Alex's bag full of food and drink) and determination. He hates being tied down at the moment and being stuck in a trolley is no exception. My gorgeous cousin Hayley came along with me last week and helped to entertain Alex. She's so great. Today, alas I am Hayley-less and must muddle along solo. I usually let him play with the keys if he gets really upset, or resort to opening a packet of biscuits and giving him one.

Hmm, best go as that smell is starting to linger. Have a great day everyone!

It's official, I have the sh1ts......for no particular reason

2008-01-06T20:02:00.000+11:00

So I have been really grumpy today. I am just having one of those "oh I can't be bothered" days....and they are ok if you don't have kids and a house to run.....but when there are still nappy bags to be prepared and dishes to be done and running around after kiddies... Today I just wasn't in the mood. Richard was wonderful, he looked after Alex at church, cause he toddles around all over the place and gets into everything. Alex that is, not Richard. Ha. crap joke.
Anyhoo.....I feel tired and exhausted and cranky and I don't feel like doing anything and I just want to relax and not do anything, but then if I relax and don't do anything i feel horrendously GUILTY! and what is that all about? I reckon you give birth to a major serve of guilt along with bubs. I cracked it at about 5.30 over nothing in particular and announced that I needed to lie down. Felt a bit better after a little lay down/nap....but still tired and out of sorts.
I really enjoy having Richard around on the weekend and the load being shared. I love looking after Alex but at times I find him so full on, I just want to press pause and take a breath!
Ahhh...anyway......tomorrow's another day and I'm sure that things will be much better then. I may even manage a smile or two! hehe.
I think the stinky hot weather doesn't help either...nor does trying to eat healthy....I believe I have a major chocolate addiction and I'm without my drug at the moment! as they say in the country, she'll be right. Love to everyone and especially Lizzy G and her fam...love you girlfriend. :)

Hot hot hot, just for a change!

2008-01-05T14:20:00.000+11:00

Well today was another stinker. I'm trying to make sure I eat well and exercise more in 2008, so Richard and Alex and I all decided to walk to the shops and back (hmm, that seems to be all I do!).....that was nice. We have booked the Bourne Ultimatum for tonight.

Yesterday I ended up going over to Mum and Dad's place to have lunch with Mum and Nan. We hung out and Alex was being very cute. Got home and there was time for Alex to have a nap and me to sit down with a tall glass of iced water and the latest copy of Who. Mum's got me hooked, I always used to be a NW gal, but have changed. I'm trying to convince Richard to get us a subscription so I don't spend too much money on magz.

Our friends Darren and Kate and their beautiful bub Roree will be coming over later this arvo to have a swim in the pool. The kids love the pool so much, it's gorgeous.

Apart from that I have been finally emailing people who I've put off replying to for ages...not cause I didn't want to talk to them but cause it seemed like too much effort. I am such a procrastinator at times. Or all the time. hehe.

Alex is asleep and I am reading Jason Donovan's biography. It's quite interesting and he's very frank. I like that in a book. hmmm I think I could fall asleep but I fear that Alex will awake soon. Best to stay up. I'm fairly happy today. Yay!

My first Blog entry!

2008-01-04T09:01:00.000+11:00

Hi everyone out there in blog-land.....I have my own blog now. This is either going to go one of two ways.....first, I will become fully addicted to blogging and post way too much stuff on my blog.....or second....I will set this thing up and post in it once or twice before I avoid it totally.

I'm sitting here in my pyjamas, with little Alex toddling around the place.....I am trying to get up the motivation to get both of us showered and dressed. I think I will go for a walk downtown......to the beautiful surrounds of Finley. I have to go to the chemist (how exciting!) and I may even go completely mad and buy some nappies and bonjela while I am down there.

I got an Ipod from my lovely husband for christmas and I'm trying to make time to sit down and load songs onto it. It is harder than it seems, cause when Alex is awake, all he wants to do is pull the cord out of the computer...and when he's asleep all I want to do is veg out in front of a good book, or the tv, or both!

Alex got his first haircut yesterday by the lovely Bronnie, a number 4 all over. So cute, he looks like a real little boy now instead of a baby.