You know when you've judged someone harshly in the past, then they tell you something about themselves from back then....that changes the emotional landscape? It means you can put another context on things....be kinder......
It means that the image of the person you know becomes clearer....and nicer. I do like this person, more and more. Someone I blogged about and had to delete cause it was horrid.
I had a fantastic day today and I'm going to bed. Love you all. I love my mothers group friends. They are sooo choice (ferris bueller)
ps - Ange, I'll call you back tomorrow and the $2 is in the mail! :)
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
There's no escaping it - we are moving!
Oh deary me....so yes, we are moving. Mum came over today and helped Richard and I start to pack. Richard has now caught the "packing bug" and the back of our house is littered with boxes. We are also finding stuff that we haven't seen in years! I found a 2006 calendar, where I have counted the weeks that I'm pregnant......counting down to the big 40 weeks! Which was actually the big 38 weeks......Mr Alexander decided that he would come early and disrupt his daddy's attempts to get a forklift license. Not that he did - Richard still got the license and took me to Shep hospital soon after.
Man that paragraph is disordered and full of lots of different thoughts. Hmm.
Our cat Chloe, keeps going to sleep in Alex's room. She hates Alex most of the time, runs away from him, so it is gorgeous to see her seeking some alone time with him! I love going in there to get him and seeing her sleek and sleepy in the corner. How I love cats. Some days I wish I was a cat....sleep all day and eat.....and nobody really cares too much if you're big and fat. You don't have to worry about having a bad hair day or putting on makeup.
I am also thinking about the blaming God thing for my Post Natal Depression. Does God want me to be unhappy? No...I am sure he doesn't. But he does want me to be of use to him...and perhaps before I had been through this, I was too selfish and self involved. I had no idea about real pain and suffering, about real grief. Perhaps God is giving me a chance to better myself and move forward. If I have a choice, I do want to believe in God. I do want to have a relationship with him. I have tried hating him and ignoring him....it doesn't work for me. I know that God is there, the bastard (joking people) and I know that he has things for me to do. I just have to take the next step forward and keep believing that one day it will be noice. I am still not so great at the moment....I still feel afraid of a lot of stuff, not sleeping well, don't feel like me, often feel like I am existing somewhere else when I am in a group situation, find it hard to contribute to conversations, love Alex but feel very confused about what I am supposed to do with him, find it difficult to be, find it difficult to get motivated to get out of the house, find it hard to cook meals, have no energy to clean the house, find decisions hard, fear the future, bla bla bla bla blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
But enough about me, how about you? What do you think about me??? (I will give a shiny $2 coin to the first person to name the movie that's from.......email me at deborah_in_canberra@hotmail.com)
and yes...I know I am no longer in Canberra. Thank you!~
Man that paragraph is disordered and full of lots of different thoughts. Hmm.
Our cat Chloe, keeps going to sleep in Alex's room. She hates Alex most of the time, runs away from him, so it is gorgeous to see her seeking some alone time with him! I love going in there to get him and seeing her sleek and sleepy in the corner. How I love cats. Some days I wish I was a cat....sleep all day and eat.....and nobody really cares too much if you're big and fat. You don't have to worry about having a bad hair day or putting on makeup.
I am also thinking about the blaming God thing for my Post Natal Depression. Does God want me to be unhappy? No...I am sure he doesn't. But he does want me to be of use to him...and perhaps before I had been through this, I was too selfish and self involved. I had no idea about real pain and suffering, about real grief. Perhaps God is giving me a chance to better myself and move forward. If I have a choice, I do want to believe in God. I do want to have a relationship with him. I have tried hating him and ignoring him....it doesn't work for me. I know that God is there, the bastard (joking people) and I know that he has things for me to do. I just have to take the next step forward and keep believing that one day it will be noice. I am still not so great at the moment....I still feel afraid of a lot of stuff, not sleeping well, don't feel like me, often feel like I am existing somewhere else when I am in a group situation, find it hard to contribute to conversations, love Alex but feel very confused about what I am supposed to do with him, find it difficult to be, find it difficult to get motivated to get out of the house, find it hard to cook meals, have no energy to clean the house, find decisions hard, fear the future, bla bla bla bla blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
But enough about me, how about you? What do you think about me??? (I will give a shiny $2 coin to the first person to name the movie that's from.......email me at deborah_in_canberra@hotmail.com)
and yes...I know I am no longer in Canberra. Thank you!~
Monday, March 24, 2008
Ethan Hawke is an ass...
Back in the day, almost 10 years ago, my friends and I were mad about Ethan Hawke. He played Troy in "Reality Bites" and was sooo sooo cool and anti-establishment. I was 21 at the time and just longed for someone who was that rock-n-roll, that cool and all that.
Well that was then and this is now!! Upon viewing that movie at the ripe old age of 31, I find the ethan hawke character to be a selfish little man, who makes excuses for his own lack of accomplishments by ripping down others.....I think the Ben Stiller character would have been so much better for her, even though he seemed so cheesy at the time.
And now I read that Ethan Hawke, he of the "I will marry Uma Thurman, have children with her then let her down by sleeping with the nanny"...has written a song about her, calling her a fat beast. Ugh. Very very ugly. Makes me wonder if he wasn't playing himself in Reality bites.
http://celebrities.ninemsn.com.au/blog.aspx?blogentryid=85447&showcomments=true&rss=yes
He is still with the ex-nanny and has knocked her up. How classy.
Alex is finally asleep and Richard is outside doing lots of yard work. He's such a champ. I am sitting on my bottom contemplating housework. And I'm taking Alex out to my friend Sara's house this arvo, so he can play with his girlfriend, Allison. They are 6 days apart. So cute!
Well that was then and this is now!! Upon viewing that movie at the ripe old age of 31, I find the ethan hawke character to be a selfish little man, who makes excuses for his own lack of accomplishments by ripping down others.....I think the Ben Stiller character would have been so much better for her, even though he seemed so cheesy at the time.
And now I read that Ethan Hawke, he of the "I will marry Uma Thurman, have children with her then let her down by sleeping with the nanny"...has written a song about her, calling her a fat beast. Ugh. Very very ugly. Makes me wonder if he wasn't playing himself in Reality bites.
http://celebrities.ninemsn.com.au/blog.aspx?blogentryid=85447&showcomments=true&rss=yes
He is still with the ex-nanny and has knocked her up. How classy.
Alex is finally asleep and Richard is outside doing lots of yard work. He's such a champ. I am sitting on my bottom contemplating housework. And I'm taking Alex out to my friend Sara's house this arvo, so he can play with his girlfriend, Allison. They are 6 days apart. So cute!
Monday, March 17, 2008
and another thing...
Can I just mention how much I love the website http://www.gofugyourself.typepad.com ? Ok, thanks....it's fantastic. I always thought that I was fashion backwards because I don't like high waisted stuff, or leggings....and I have discovered that others feel the way I do! yay!!
Oh...and that guy from So You Think You Can Dance, Anthony (i think..) makes me feel slightly ill when he dances, it's the expression on his face...he looks like he thinks he's a porn star. eew.
I hate it when you make a really dumb joke and the person who you make the joke to just gives you a "you're so uncool" look....the girls at the IGA and newsagent here are particularly good at that. Makes me feel old, like a boring housewife. The bad part is that my friends and I, when we were 19, made fun of the stupid jokes that people made to us whilst we were serving them. Ahhh the cruel irony.
Ok I'm definitely going to bed now. niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhtt.
Oh...and that guy from So You Think You Can Dance, Anthony (i think..) makes me feel slightly ill when he dances, it's the expression on his face...he looks like he thinks he's a porn star. eew.
I hate it when you make a really dumb joke and the person who you make the joke to just gives you a "you're so uncool" look....the girls at the IGA and newsagent here are particularly good at that. Makes me feel old, like a boring housewife. The bad part is that my friends and I, when we were 19, made fun of the stupid jokes that people made to us whilst we were serving them. Ahhh the cruel irony.
Ok I'm definitely going to bed now. niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhtt.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
cavalcade of tumultuous feelings...
Hmmm....now I am just showing off....although I had to look up dictionary.com to make sure those words meant what I thought they mean.
Anyhoo...I had a great weekend, very emotional but great. Saturday we got up and Richard helped me to clean the house. My friend Suzanne who I have known for 14 years (eek!) was coming up from Melbourne to visit, and although she said that she loves me warts and all, I preferred to excise some warts before she came a'visiting.
Suz is 23 weeks pregnant, due to pop on the 10th July, which is really exciting for her and Matt, he is a lovely South African dude that she has been with for some time. So we had lots of great talks about babies and labour and pregnancy and the whole caboodle. Some feelings of sorrow started to surface cause I can remember feeling soooo hopeful and happy about being pregnant, then the whole thing went wrong when I got Post Natal Depression.
Then we went out to my lovely friend Sara's for dinner with Sara, her hubby Nick, our other lovely friend Dimity and her man Chris. Richard and Suz both came along and there was much merriment and baby stories, as Sara and Dimity are both from my mothers group and both have little girls. It made me happy that I have such great friends, but sad that it's taken me this long to find them! I really have felt like a fish out of water for so long, living in Finley. These gals are so great, I really feel comfortable on them, like we're all on the same crazy wavelength. I'm going to miss them when we move to Shep.
Today Suz and I sorted through some baby clothes of Alex's, and some baby stuff that we're not going to use again.....we have pretty much decided that Alex is going to be an only child, due to the length and depth of my PND. I keep getting frustrated that I'm not completely better, still feel strange...yet I forget that for so long I felt so revolting, like I couldn't stand for another day to tick by, that I couldn't live for another minute. I remember reading an explanation of a guy who had been severely depressed with a mania attached, and how he described feeling like he couldn't live another second. I always devour stories of PND, and will the person to describe my feeling. I guess every person's feeling is different. Mine is starting to go...but I still don't feel normal.
I confessed to Suzanne today over brunch in Cobram (ladida!) that I felt like somewhat of a fraud telling her about babies etc, as I couldn't remember a lot (due to Shock Therapy) and the bits I could remember were horrid, such as him crying and crying and me crying and just wanting to run away. I wish I could remember him smiling but I can't, all I can remember is the crying and feeling of utter helplessness. I feel so sorry for me too, because I want to be happy about little babies....but I can't help feeling slightly repulsed by them and their neediness.
I feel guilty about having had PND and being sick for so long. I feel like I should apologise...but I can't without negating the validity of my experience. PND is not my fault....if I keep saying that then maybe one day I'll believe it. I reckon the moment you give birth you also give birth to a big sack of guilt....so add a mental disorder to the mix and voila! A big hearty dose of "I am a failure". Maybe it's time to go back to the counsellor? hmmm...yairs.
Well tomorrow is another day, with no mistakes in it, as Anne of Green Gables would say........so I'm sure tomorrow will be better and before you know it I will be back to sanity-ville!! :)
Anyhoo...I had a great weekend, very emotional but great. Saturday we got up and Richard helped me to clean the house. My friend Suzanne who I have known for 14 years (eek!) was coming up from Melbourne to visit, and although she said that she loves me warts and all, I preferred to excise some warts before she came a'visiting.
Suz is 23 weeks pregnant, due to pop on the 10th July, which is really exciting for her and Matt, he is a lovely South African dude that she has been with for some time. So we had lots of great talks about babies and labour and pregnancy and the whole caboodle. Some feelings of sorrow started to surface cause I can remember feeling soooo hopeful and happy about being pregnant, then the whole thing went wrong when I got Post Natal Depression.
Then we went out to my lovely friend Sara's for dinner with Sara, her hubby Nick, our other lovely friend Dimity and her man Chris. Richard and Suz both came along and there was much merriment and baby stories, as Sara and Dimity are both from my mothers group and both have little girls. It made me happy that I have such great friends, but sad that it's taken me this long to find them! I really have felt like a fish out of water for so long, living in Finley. These gals are so great, I really feel comfortable on them, like we're all on the same crazy wavelength. I'm going to miss them when we move to Shep.
Today Suz and I sorted through some baby clothes of Alex's, and some baby stuff that we're not going to use again.....we have pretty much decided that Alex is going to be an only child, due to the length and depth of my PND. I keep getting frustrated that I'm not completely better, still feel strange...yet I forget that for so long I felt so revolting, like I couldn't stand for another day to tick by, that I couldn't live for another minute. I remember reading an explanation of a guy who had been severely depressed with a mania attached, and how he described feeling like he couldn't live another second. I always devour stories of PND, and will the person to describe my feeling. I guess every person's feeling is different. Mine is starting to go...but I still don't feel normal.
I confessed to Suzanne today over brunch in Cobram (ladida!) that I felt like somewhat of a fraud telling her about babies etc, as I couldn't remember a lot (due to Shock Therapy) and the bits I could remember were horrid, such as him crying and crying and me crying and just wanting to run away. I wish I could remember him smiling but I can't, all I can remember is the crying and feeling of utter helplessness. I feel so sorry for me too, because I want to be happy about little babies....but I can't help feeling slightly repulsed by them and their neediness.
I feel guilty about having had PND and being sick for so long. I feel like I should apologise...but I can't without negating the validity of my experience. PND is not my fault....if I keep saying that then maybe one day I'll believe it. I reckon the moment you give birth you also give birth to a big sack of guilt....so add a mental disorder to the mix and voila! A big hearty dose of "I am a failure". Maybe it's time to go back to the counsellor? hmmm...yairs.
Well tomorrow is another day, with no mistakes in it, as Anne of Green Gables would say........so I'm sure tomorrow will be better and before you know it I will be back to sanity-ville!! :)
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Moronnnnnnnnnnnn
Ok, I did it again. I have a problem and I keep thinking I'm over it...but then I just get so angry and before I know it I am in deep trouble again. I wish just for once that I could calm down. Anger managment may be needed. Maybe I should knit a jumper for a cat (that's an Adam Sandler reference, people!)
I don't want to say too much or people will guess. I feel sooo guilty though. Poor Alex saw when I was yelling and he got really upset and cried. Now not only do I feel like a bad person, I feel like a bad mother, who is scarring her child for life!
everything had been going so well today.....happy child playing, mother reading a lovely book and a nice phone call from Richard to say that he missed me. Mum dropped in and we chatted and Alex ate and spilt various bits of food.
I am scared about moving to Shepparton. I am sure it will be good but I hate change. I crave it but I hate it. Who's going to be my friend in Shep? I have formed a nice posse here in Finley, our mothers group consisting of Sara, Dimity, Wendy D, Wendy C, me and Tessa Mc (sometimes). We have been catching up more lately and this weekend we're all going to be very grown up and have tea! And all the hubbies can meet and hopefully get along. I am excited, I like my girlfriends and I am sure I will like their hubbies.
My good friend Tamara Nicholson turned...ummm...I think 27 on Monday. Yay! I must ring her tomorrow....I rang her on her birthday night but she was in bed after a long weekend.
I was very proud of my behaviour over the course of our brisbane holiday. Others may beg to differ, but they can keep their opinions to themselves. The best part for me was when the car hire place lady was looking at Perez Hilton on her computer. Awesome, I thought.
I should really post a nice picture of us as a family...although I don't know if we got many of them!
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