March and April 2009

Wow, so.....it's been about six weeks since I've last blogged...I keep thinking that I should, but it's so much easier just to do random quizzes on facebook and comment on other peoples statuses, then refresh the page to see if they've responded to my witty comments...hehhe. I do so have a life!!


Well, I went to Portarlington with Richard and his work in late March, that was fun...I was stressing heaps about it because it was going to be a bit of a boozy weekend away..... Went to a few meetings beforehand and went away armed with a lot of numbers and the meetings list. Actually managed to attend one whilst I was away, most of the boys were go-carting and the women had taken a bus to Geelong, so I hopped along ....then went and spent some quality time shopping and enjoying Sumo Salad! I wish they had a branch here. Richard and I really reconnected on the weekend away and I'm glad that I didn't let my fear stand in the way of going. Here is a pic:





Then, the weekend after that I headed off to sunny Canberra and had a lovely short visit with Laura and Luke, catching up with Megan, Deb and others, and the lovely Margs. Stocked up on some books at Canty's (wish I could go there every weekend) and went to the Fyshwick markets...has to be done. Lots of remeniscing and "oh yeah, remember the time that I got drunk on that corner".......but also "remember how sad and lonely I felt".....and then "wow, I'm a really different person to the one who left here 5 years ago. I mean, really really different. Less afraid and more patient and stuff". (on a good day anyway)







I came home on an absolute high. And you know what they say about highs...what goes up, must come down. And down I came, spectacularly, just in time for Easter at my parents!!

Had an ok weekend, was great to see family, Richard's brother Tim has got engaged to a lovely girl called Squish..it's awesome. Tim is great and Squish is wonderful, it's so awesome when you see two people so in larve preparing for their lifetime together. Ahhhh. Sister Jen and hubby Ben threw a party for Elijah's first birthday party and I got to see a lot of peeps I hadn't seen for a while. Also caught up with Katy and Roree and Sara and Allison, which was great for me and for Alex. Had some quality talks with mum, she is such a soldier. Always thinking of someone else and always there for me. I had a moment last night when I realised that I must have caused her to shed some tears over the years. I thought of Alex doing some of the things I'd done and reduced myself to tears!

We had a busy schedule of social events and I ended up having a big fight with *someone* and spending a lot of time crying. Oh well, says she, proof positive that I haven't changed that much....and can still go back to that scared little person if I let my guard down or get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. A shame, cause I was thinking I was superman before that!

Spose that's the point though - it's not all good or all bad, it's somewhere in between. Just because I get tired or make a mistake doesn't mean that I've failed. So, since then I've been deciding to do what I am passionate about and get involved with others. For me, depression lies in staying home all the time and only thinking about myself.


So....I have redoubled my efforts in finding a job, have applied for 3 with scary long selection criterias....and kept in regular touch with temping agencies.....with an excellent result! Had a phone call today and I'm going to do two days of temping with an accounting firm here in shep, taking the minutes and typing them up for one of their meetings. Oooher! I was excited but felt a sense of "holy crap, can I do this?"......The one thing that my recovery has taught me is to be humble and gracious (as I said, not all the time), and whereas before I would have walked in the door thinking I was hot sh*t and they were lucky to have me deigning to work with them.....now I'm a little less full o myself. I'm sure it will be fine though...I have done minute taking and writing before and I haven't ever had any complaints. None that I listened to, anyway, hehe.


I have also dropped out of uni.....for the third time in my life. hehe. There's a funny story to do with uni. Whenever I find myself unsure about what to do in life, I always think "I'm gonna study!".....and I always, always, always wish that I was working instead of studying. I hate it. I just don't get it and I don't want to do it. I started with this study skills unit and it was really hard and we had to summarise a text on really dense, heavy subjects. It brought back sitting in a lecture hall at ANU in 1994, panicking, and thinking "I DON'T WANNA DO THIS!!!".......I may be a thinker, but I'm not academic or analytic enough for uni....perhaps not disciplined enough either. Plus, you have to do so much of it by yourself - I much prefer being around people and talking and all that jazz.....ruminating at home by myself isn't much fun for me. I wanna get out there and live, live people!!! hehe. So I feel at peace with it and have told myself to remember this feeling the next time I think "I want to study"...recognise if I am really interested in what I'm thinking of studying, or am I just using it as a plug for a hole elsewhere in my life?


I have had two mega-awesome outings with Alex. On Sunday, my friends Kellie and Glen organised a boat cruise along the Murray river at Echuca. It lasted 2 hours and I was a little worried about how Alex would cope (Richard was racing at Wilby Park so couldn't mind him), and though he cried a little, he was mostly really happy and I felt that we both managed it well.

Just to test my endurance, Alex and I also travelled to Melbourne today, drove to Seymour and caught the train to Melbourne (for the grand price of $10.20 return), met up with the lovely Laura and her lovely sis Katherine......bought some shoes, ate some food.......it was great. Managed Alex's moods well, even managed to hold a conversation with Laurs while Alex was leaping all over me in one of his hyper modes. Not sure what Laurs thought of it all..... She is looking lovely, they say pregnant ladies bloom, but this hot mama takes the cake. I'm so excited for her and Luke. I hope their baby has ginger ringlets. I love ginger hair on kiddies.


Today also will go down in history as "the day I stopped eating icecream when I was full, even though it wasn't all finished". Yes, historians will talk about this day for years to come, and students may even write essays on it. Ha!! Feels like my relationship with food is getting better and I'm realising that overeating is symptom of unhappiness and eating til over-ful a bad habit. I also want to model good food habits for Alex. Read a great book by AJ Rochester and she has a whole chapter on the impact of your weight battle on the kiddies. It has really hit me how often I take the easy option and compromise Alex's health. Really want to kick a goal in this area, don't want my boy to struggle with his weight the way his mummy does.


So....for now, that is all. I hope to update you a little sooner than my last post. Hope you are all well, I feel tired but very blessed and very happy.

People...who need people.....are the luckiest peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeople..

I'm having a Barbara Streisland moment....

This past week and a bit, I have:
-enrolled in a Bachelor of Communication at the Open Uni and started my first 800 word essay
- had a 3 person panel job interview for a job I really really wanted
- reprised my role as "Vera" in the STAG Production of "Brassed Off"
- attended a number of 12 step meetings
- felt blessed
- enjoyed the company of friends and my lovely husband and gorgeous boy Alex
- had a yucky throat infection
- discovered that due to a misunderstanding with Centrelink, apparently I've been overpaid and owe them money. Grr!
- obsessed over Robyn's "With Every Heartbeat", after seeing her perform live on BBC1's live concert on ABC2...and also realising that this song is part of Body Jam 39...

Ok, enough with the dot points (or dash points, I should say). Man, I am really realising how much more confidence I have in myself...it is a fantastic thing. I am love love loving living in Shepparton, even though I miss my extended family.....I feel like I'm slowly making my own family here.

I went for a job interview and while I was there, my friend Marianne looked after Alex...I went in there and thought that even though they may not give me the position, that I want to be honest about what has happened in my life over the past little while, and talked about my Post Natal Depression and how I feel that it's given me empathy towards those who are suffering, and my battle with alcohol and how that has given me the ability to understand people who struggle.

I came back to the ladies bible study that Marianne hosts on Thursday, picked up my little boy, went and sat at the table and when it was prayer time, I said to them that I was so filled with JOY! I was so overjoyed that I was able to attend an interview and do my best, whatever the outcome. I just really felt that I had left my future in God's hands.

That doesn't mean that I didn't take it out of his hands the next day, stressing about what I was going to do, worrying about the new crappy forms that centrelink wants us to fill in fortnightly......etc etc. But I'm happy to say that at this stage of the week, I feel like the ball's back in his court again. Phew! It feels good to leave it there....to know that he is in control, not me. So many fantastic things have happened this year that I couldn't have imagined and I just have to trust him and hang on!!

Lots of love to you all, especially my new Brassed Off family. Love love love!!

So, so cranky.....make it stop!

Hi all,

So I'm working really hard on my recovery from depression, trying to get the housework done, help people out and do the things I need to do......I am trying to eat well, get exercise and look after my gorgeous son.

But this week has been a never ending cascade of crankery from me. Maybe I've been trying too hard? I have had savage pms and been very annoyed with people who request things from me.....I have rung up people to request things and been annoyed when they don't listen.....I have offered people lifts and then got annoyed when they commented on the state of my car (Clean for once!!)......I have totally lost it with Alex's tantrums.

My way of dealing with it has been to write about it, talk to friends about it and to go to 12 step meetings. But somehow, underneath each layer of crank, is more crank. I mean, I now feel as if all I want to do is go to bed and lie there until the cranky goes away.

This morning I was taking Alex to music classes, I had rung up on Wednesday to check when they were on and the guy wasn't listening to my question.......I got a bit cranky and today when I went in apologised. Anyhoo...turns out that because he hadn't listened to me, he'd given me the wrong information and the classes didn't start for another two weeks. I was really trying not to lose my temper, when Alex grabbed a bubble blower from a "Book of the Week" dispenser thingy (you know those book sale things they sometimes have in offices?)...and he absolutely lost it when I tried to explain to him calmly that he couldnt' have it and to put it back. I tried to tell him about the music classes and distract him, but he just threw himself to the ground and tantrumed all the more.

I was getting so over the situation and even though the lady said we could sit in on the large class this week, the thought of looking after my cranky boy who is so clingy and shy at the moment that he clings to my leg and almost makes me fall over, won't co-operate or do anything I want him to, even with coaxing and cajoling.......I can't carry the nappy bag properly because he wants to be carried everywhere, he cries and carries on if I try to make him walk....it drives me insane. So I ended up saying "I'm sorry, he's just had a tantrum and I don't believe that should be rewarded", getting in the car and driving home.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr so over this mothering thing today. Give me five seconds where I can just do what I want! Which is, nothing! I need a holiday!

Weird

Hey yaaaaaaaaaaa....

I've had a bad food week this week, so decided to go see Toenail ferguson this morning and weigh in, get the bad news and get back on track. Only...there wasn't any! I had lost another 1.2kg....taking my weight loss to 4.9kg in 4 weeks, woooooooooooo! So I'm confused, this week I was a little naughty, I lost weight. Last week I was well behaved and stayed the same. Care to let me in on the deal, body? Hmmmm....anyway...so I must behave well this week or otherwise I shall definitely reap the rewards of my sloth.

I'm in a good place today......feeling good and getting lots done. Right now, though, I'm going to go have a rest for at least 2 hours. Dinner is made and I am tired.

Peace out, homies! :)

Bogged blog

Hi all,

Well I have been doing Tony Ferguson for just over three weeks and I've lost 3.7 kilos so far. I started doing the Progress version, instead of the really hardcore version, cause I needed more carbs for energy, running after a 2 year old and being in the play.

Week 2, I thought I would have to go off it so just watched what I ate, and still lost a kilo. This week just gone, I was very disciplined and packed nutritious salads and stirfries for my dinners whilst at rehearsal and doing the show - http://www.stagtheatre.com/shows/2009_brassedoff.html

Also, while doing the show, it was in the high thirties or low forties each day, the aircon wasn't quite working, we were under stage lights, and wearing jackets and winter clothing. I thought, for sure I'm going to lose weight this week. My weigh in was yesterday and not a sausage. Nil, zip, nada. I was very discouraged and dealt with it by eating a mini quiche and a donut. I also went to Body Jam, but I don't think they quite cancel each other out.

Today I awoke with the best of intentions, had my shake and veges for breakfast, then went to bible study. I'm allowed a large freddo frog 4 times a week to nip cravings in the bud, so helped myself to a chocolate chip muffin (small). It was so small that I thought I should probably have another one to make up to a whole large freddo. The third one slipped down without a thought. I then had a slice of bread with some mince at Marianne's, some salad, two more mini quiches when I came home, a pita pizza for dinner and a small fruit bun.

I am now groaning with carbs and feel quite ill. Similar to what happens when an alcoholic drinks, I can't be trusted with refined carbs.....one is two many and a hundred isn't enough. Although I do feel like my "binge" wasn't as bad as it could have been. And I walked about 30mins to Marianne's......somehow I don't think they cancel each other out. I did run around in the garden for about 15 mins with Alex to try to digest my food. BLugh, not a good idea, although fun. He has the cutest little dimple and reminds me so much of my gorgeous hubby sometimes.

Tomorrow sees me take Alex to music class and have a coffee with my lovely friend Chris. I'm also going to brave a night home by myself, as Richard is off on a boy's weekend with his work. They're camping in the great outdoors and doing some waterskiing and other boy stuff that really doesn't concern me. Hehe.

So, tomorrow will see me adhering strictly (although not too strictly) to Tony F. I can keep losing weight if 5/7 days are good 'uns!

I am so bloated now. ugh!!

At the end

I've had a wonderful, wonderful week. This time a week ago, the cast and crew of "Brassed Off" were moving the set to the Westside Performing Arts centre. I was getting a little nervous, starting to think about how it was going to go. Now it's all behind me and I feel contemplative, not sad, as I thought I might.

There have been some fantastic developments through the course of this show. My friend Kellie suggested that I try out for it, and I wasn't sure, as I wanted to drop some of the weight that I'd gained since having bad Post Natal Depression. I felt fat, daggy and uninteresting. I auditioned, but certainly didn't think that I'd get a part. When I got a part, I felt like I was dragging the cast down. The past few months has been a journey of self discovery and general discovery!

I've been grappling with my recovery from severe depression and went through so much doubt about my abilities as an actress and my basic abilities as a person! When my grandma died on the 5th of January, I felt like I had taken a step back, so much sadness came back and I found it really overwhelming. I was afraid that I couldn't pull it together, that I would let the rest of the cast down and be a disappointment.

Things finally came to a head two weeks before the play went on, one Tuesday rehearsal. I was really struggling with my character and my relationship with my stage husband. I was struggling to find a connection and to feel comfortable being intimate with someone who wasn't Richard. I wanted my character, Vera, to be authentic and genuine, but had a lot of my own "stuff" getting in the way. I waited to ask Donna, the director, about where I was going wrong with Vera. What followed was a wonderful, intimate chat that gave me some direction on Vera and affirmed that I could do this, that I was capable. I hope Donna realises how pivotal this conversation was in helping me to move forward.

I wrote down some of the characteristics that we identified:
- integrity
- solid, grounded
- clear
- has opposites and inconsistencies but these are valid to her character / shades of grey

Every time I stepped on stage as Vera, I thought "Strong" and was able to step up. I am so proud of myself. I feel like even though Vera was a character who I pretended to be, that she rubbed off on me. I feel like having the courage to be her has made me realise that I can be strong myself. It sounds wanky but I believe the character came along for a reason. I also feel like the trouble I was having with relating to my stage husband is all part of the journey I am on with myself, with my recovery. For many years I used alcohol to relate to men, as from an early age I can remember being terrified of them. I'm a very very shy person naturally, but with a bawdy sense of humour and sometimes, a quick comeback. These two are polar opposites, but valid to my character. They can both exist in me and I can be true to myself.

The progress I made, the friendship bonds I've formed with others in the play were all done completely without alcohol, and that's a big step for me. Sometimes during the play, I would feel completely void of emotion, and I would worry about that......but I eventually realised that I have to stop expecting to feel a certain way. Health and happiness lies in accepting my emotions at that point, being in the moment and not thinking "I should be feeling this or that". A lot of my life feels new and different to me, because I haven't done certain things before without alcohol. I am so proud of myself. I feel like I am really becoming who I'm meant to be.

I can remember doing plays in the drinking years and loving being lost in a character, and the stress and confusion that happened for me when I had to let the character go...the dissolution of the stage family and how I didn't feel happy by myself afterwards. Constantly striving to be with people, to be accepted and approved of. I know that after a play I can tend to be a bit of an approval junkie, where too much approval isn't enough. I really struggled with the last play I did in Finley, I wanted people to keep telling me that I was ok, what I did was acceptable and valid.

This time around, it really hit me. I wondered why the things that people said about my performance didn't make me feel any different....and it hit me like a bolt of lightning, the truth that I've heard so often in my life. Nothing I do makes me feel any more acceptable until I accept myself. If I don't approve of me, others' approval won't plug up a hole in my psyche. I have to be whole by myself, for myself. Others cannot complete me. My relationships can't be healthy if I rely on others to finish me. I have to be whole and valid on my own. And I think I'm really getting there.

There are a couple of people from the play who I am sure I will catch up with after. I like the idea of having platonic male friends, and would like to make that a goal for 2009. I am excited about what this year is going to bring. I am going to go walking with my friend Marianne and get fit....I am going to study at least one subject this year....I am going to have coffees with new friends.......I am going to attend more 12 step meetings......I am going to help other people.....I am going to do things that nourish me and use my talents in projects that I enjoy...I am going to value my family and my husband and son and spend quality time with them.

I am several worlds away from the scared and unhappy person I was 6 years ago. Imagine what's ahead in the next 6 years! Love you all.

Tagged!

Ok, so I stole this from Kirsty....but it's a good idea!

1. Go to the section of your computer where you store all of your photos.

2. Select the 6th folder.

3. Select the 6th photo.

4. Post and explain about that picture.

5. tag 6 other people.....

Heheh....this is a picture of my lovely Mother-in-Law, Gladys, and her friend Muriel...on a trip over to America in May/June last year. They had an awesome time and spent lots of hours at Disneyland.....Glad is going to hate this cause she hates her photo being taken and/or shown! hehe.

I don't know how to tag people on my blog, so I'm just gonna challenge everyone who reads to do the same.

ooh and ps - Brassed Off starts in 4 sleeps!!!!!!!! Aieeeeeeeeeeee!!! http://www.stagtheatre.com/shows/2009_brassedoff.html