Parenting is a funny thing. You learn a lot about yourself, and the influences in your life. I realised something big today that I wanted to share.
I was hurrying to go for a bike ride with Alex, was in a rush, and was trying to help him get ready. He wanted to wear his riding gloves, and so I was trying to help him put them on. First try, there was no finger in the pointer finger, second try, there was no finger in the pinky. Third try, the pointer was missing again. Fourth try, the index finger was missing. "Oh for heavens sake!" I grumped. "Alex, what the heck are you doing? Are you even trying?". I saw his little face frown and his eyes take on a sad look, but was so caught up in what I was doing that I didn't take it in. I tried again. "Come on, mate, put your finger in there. It's easy! Come on. What are you doing?" he tried again, very tentatively. And yet again, no finger in the pointer finger. I felt so frustrated "come on, mate" I exclaimed, "Do it properly or don't even try". He dropped his bottom lip and looked like he might cry. Suddenly, I snapped out of the perfectionistic trance that I was in. What on earth was I doing to my little boy, and where had that come from?
I gave him a big hug. "Sorry for being such a cranky mummy. Mummy was being mean, wasn't she? Mummy was cross with the glove, not you". And suddenly, I remembered someone in my young life helping me with my homework, with different things, and wanting me to do it right first time, getting frustrated with me, and giving up on me, or taking my homework off me and doing it themself. This person is a perfectionist, no doubt because of their upbringing, and is much harder on themself than anyone else. But it made me realise how deeply those words, that sentiment had echoed in my little girl psyche. Because, dear reader, I chose to not even try, because I couldn't do it properly. The sentiment echoed through all aspects of my life - through my relationships with guys, through my friendships, through my jobs. All my life I did the bare minimum, only chosing things that I knew I was good at, that I had natural talent at, and avoiding anything that I couldn't do properly. It's probably something to do with my core personality too, being prone to self doubt and needing reassurance. Under those circumstances, someone with a stronger core would have thought "ok, I'll do it perfectly". But I chose underachieving...and unlike Bart Simpson, I was not proud of it. My life until around 2003 was one long shame spiral for the things that I knew I could probably do, but was too scared to try.
I'm so not criticising this person. I love them unconditionally. They worked so hard, and still work so hard, providing for their family. It wasn't unheard of them to do a 40 hour week in one job, to do a couple of shifts at another workplace, and take on other work on weekends. They wanted to give their family the best of everything because that's the way they show love. So no wonder they were tired and frustrated and unable to be patient in every situation. But I know one thing - I'm never going to tell Alex to do it properly or not at all. The fun is in the attempt, and the journey, not the destination.
And the great thing about this massive revelation? That I can change the pattern, because I'm aware of it. I knew I felt like this, but I wasn't sure where it had come from. Now I know. Knowledge is power, particularly self knowledge. You can't change yourself or your life if you refuse to see the unhealthy patterns and exchange them for healthy, loving ones. Admit, accept and change. Courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference.
Love you!
Deb
Friday, October 8, 2010
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Depression - an insider's view.
Guilt - seems to be the emotion of the week this week. I have always been a worrier. A fearful kinda person. I don't believe that anything happened to me to make me like that, I just think it's my inherent personality. I come from a long line of worriers. I'm the kind of person who can't sleep at night thinking about what might go wrong.
Motherhood has unloaded a massive truckload of guilt on me, though. I didnt' want to admit that I had post natal depression when Alex was born, because I didnt' want to have it. I wanted to be a coper. But at the same time, it was waaaaaaaay scary to be his mummy. I don't think anyone can realise until it happens to them, what a huge responsibility it is to be a parent. Suddenly, the buck stops with you. And for a worrier like me, the endless variety of things that could go wrong were almost too much to bear. So I got PND. And I fought it. Imagine the emotional and mental equivalent of a broken leg. You go to a doctor, you go to a psychiatrist. "Fix my leg!!" you plead with them. They try. They give you antidepressants. They give you strategies. And, if you're unlucky, like me - nothing works. The broken leg splinters the more you walk on it. Your flesh is exposed. You're in unbelievable mental and emotional torment. But you're told that it will get better. So you wait. But the wound wont' heal and becomes more agonising. You go to a mother and baby unit, and they tell you that you will have to use your strategies until it becomes better because you are on all the medication you can be. You go home, you try to cope, but every time you talk to someone, you do anything, all you can think about is the agony you're in. Try to look for the positive, they tell you. Try to go for a walk. Ignore the agony. If you were in this much physical pain, surely you'd have a strong painkiller. Yet, you have to live without anything to numb it. You try to self medicate and end up in a psych ward. God has a sense of humour, because no matter what you try, you can't check out of this horror.
In the end, it was as simple as this for me - did I want to live or die? I wasn't going to feel better or like me for a long, long time. But did I really want to deprive my son of a mother, my husband of a wife, my parents of a daughter, and my sisters of a sister? I wanted more than anything to end the unbelievable anguish. I was suicidal for about a year to 18 months. But, in the end I was stronger than it (with God's help). I decided that screw you, depression, I am GOING TO LIVE! So I just got up every day, and did the best I could. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't laugh, I couldn't read. I was less a person and more a collection of horrendous mental agonies. I didn't think I'd ever get better. I didn't believe the people who told me I would. I wished that I had a fatal illness because at least I knew it would END.
But do you know what? it did end. At first, I had a good bit of a day. then a good whole day. Then a couple of good days in a row. Then, without me noticing it, I had a good week. And another. When I fell back into a bad day, it was terrifying, because I thought it would start again and I'd never have a good day. But I did. And when I finally "Woke up" from depression.....my son was 2 and I had to start picking up the pieces of my relationships again. It was very hard. I think that I've only really started to feel like myself this year. My son is 4 now.
So I spoil him sometimes. I'm so guilty that I wasn't "There" for the first two years of his life. Yes, I always loved him. That was one of the things that kept me alive. But I couldnt' always be the mummy I wanted to be. Because I just wasn't able. So now I want to be the best mummy I can possibly be. But I don't want to spoil him. MOtherhood is so hard!!
Anyway - I will end on this - I know this is a heavy post but I wanted to get it off my chest. I'm trying not to spoil him, but I love him so much. Without him, I wouldnt' be the survivor I am today.
Love and peace
Deb xo
Motherhood has unloaded a massive truckload of guilt on me, though. I didnt' want to admit that I had post natal depression when Alex was born, because I didnt' want to have it. I wanted to be a coper. But at the same time, it was waaaaaaaay scary to be his mummy. I don't think anyone can realise until it happens to them, what a huge responsibility it is to be a parent. Suddenly, the buck stops with you. And for a worrier like me, the endless variety of things that could go wrong were almost too much to bear. So I got PND. And I fought it. Imagine the emotional and mental equivalent of a broken leg. You go to a doctor, you go to a psychiatrist. "Fix my leg!!" you plead with them. They try. They give you antidepressants. They give you strategies. And, if you're unlucky, like me - nothing works. The broken leg splinters the more you walk on it. Your flesh is exposed. You're in unbelievable mental and emotional torment. But you're told that it will get better. So you wait. But the wound wont' heal and becomes more agonising. You go to a mother and baby unit, and they tell you that you will have to use your strategies until it becomes better because you are on all the medication you can be. You go home, you try to cope, but every time you talk to someone, you do anything, all you can think about is the agony you're in. Try to look for the positive, they tell you. Try to go for a walk. Ignore the agony. If you were in this much physical pain, surely you'd have a strong painkiller. Yet, you have to live without anything to numb it. You try to self medicate and end up in a psych ward. God has a sense of humour, because no matter what you try, you can't check out of this horror.
In the end, it was as simple as this for me - did I want to live or die? I wasn't going to feel better or like me for a long, long time. But did I really want to deprive my son of a mother, my husband of a wife, my parents of a daughter, and my sisters of a sister? I wanted more than anything to end the unbelievable anguish. I was suicidal for about a year to 18 months. But, in the end I was stronger than it (with God's help). I decided that screw you, depression, I am GOING TO LIVE! So I just got up every day, and did the best I could. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't laugh, I couldn't read. I was less a person and more a collection of horrendous mental agonies. I didn't think I'd ever get better. I didn't believe the people who told me I would. I wished that I had a fatal illness because at least I knew it would END.
But do you know what? it did end. At first, I had a good bit of a day. then a good whole day. Then a couple of good days in a row. Then, without me noticing it, I had a good week. And another. When I fell back into a bad day, it was terrifying, because I thought it would start again and I'd never have a good day. But I did. And when I finally "Woke up" from depression.....my son was 2 and I had to start picking up the pieces of my relationships again. It was very hard. I think that I've only really started to feel like myself this year. My son is 4 now.
So I spoil him sometimes. I'm so guilty that I wasn't "There" for the first two years of his life. Yes, I always loved him. That was one of the things that kept me alive. But I couldnt' always be the mummy I wanted to be. Because I just wasn't able. So now I want to be the best mummy I can possibly be. But I don't want to spoil him. MOtherhood is so hard!!
Anyway - I will end on this - I know this is a heavy post but I wanted to get it off my chest. I'm trying not to spoil him, but I love him so much. Without him, I wouldnt' be the survivor I am today.
Love and peace
Deb xo
Monday, September 20, 2010
You're my world, you're my everything...
Hello readers!
Yes...I know it's been a while since I blogged. But I've been thinking about it, that's almost the same, isn't it?
well, today was a shocker....I had to come and share about how it felt. Looking after Alex and Richard and the house is my full time job. I"m a stay at home mum and some Monday mornings I wake up and think "ho hum". I feel guilty about not spending enough time playing with Alex, I feel guilty about not spending enough time doing the laundry, cooking nutritious meals, being able to earn money, keeping up with world events, and guilty about how I spend a heck of a lot of time thinking about ME, myself, how I look, what I'm going to wear, what other people think of me.....how much weight I've lost, how many points are in my snack, how many points were in what I ate yesterday, how much weight am I going to lose, am I a yummy mummy yet? Argh, it's all so stupid, what I think sometimes. I just get obsessed with what's in my head and totally lose focus on what's important. The job that I do is important.....and if I'm distracted by ME ME ME, I miss the important stuff.
Today, Alex had a minor collision with a reversing car. I was able to reach him before any real damage was done, he was wearing a helmet and neither he nor the car were going very fast. Still, it was enough to turn my blood to ice. I was just concentrating on getting Alex to hospital to be checked over, and dealing with what had to happen, to get him lunch and to go home and put a load of washing on, to get dinner, to make his bed.
After dinner, when he was in bed, my sister in law rang to ask how Alex was, and how I was. Her sweet, gentle inquiry brought me undone. I was chipper on the phone but after I hung up, it really hit me how precious he is and how sometimes I'm so irritated by countless requests for everything in sight, that I lose focus of how much I love him. Sometimes he becomes an irritation that I want to escape from, and I know that a lot of stay at homers feel like that, but I feel so bad that it took me so long to actually process what happened today. I sat there and cried because he IS so precious, he is such an amazing kid and I love him SO much......and it just hit me for the millionth time how BIG a responsibility it is to be his mummy and how much that freaked me out to begin with, because it felt like it was too much for me to take on. Today, I couldn't get ahold of my mum or Richard, while Alex and I were waiting in emergency to get him checked over. I thought - looks like I have to be an adult - but when do the grown ups show up? It's scary being a grown up. Half the time, I still feel as clueless as a kid, and that I have no idea what I am supposed to do. But, you know what I have realised lately? That's part of being a human/adult/married/a mum...there's no magic moment when you realise, hurrah, I'm here! There's just coping with what life throws at you - that's what makes you an adult. Nobody has a rule book to life (unless it's the bible), and I just have to trust that my best is good enough.
Alex, buddy, I love you. Every night, before I go to sleep, I look at you sleeping peacefully, and can't imagine my life without you. I'm blessed to have you. God, please help me to remember that, and not to get taken over by my crap and the irritation of daily life. Help me to delight in the blessings you've given me and not to take it for granted and want to escape from my responsibilities!! :)
Yes...I know it's been a while since I blogged. But I've been thinking about it, that's almost the same, isn't it?
well, today was a shocker....I had to come and share about how it felt. Looking after Alex and Richard and the house is my full time job. I"m a stay at home mum and some Monday mornings I wake up and think "ho hum". I feel guilty about not spending enough time playing with Alex, I feel guilty about not spending enough time doing the laundry, cooking nutritious meals, being able to earn money, keeping up with world events, and guilty about how I spend a heck of a lot of time thinking about ME, myself, how I look, what I'm going to wear, what other people think of me.....how much weight I've lost, how many points are in my snack, how many points were in what I ate yesterday, how much weight am I going to lose, am I a yummy mummy yet? Argh, it's all so stupid, what I think sometimes. I just get obsessed with what's in my head and totally lose focus on what's important. The job that I do is important.....and if I'm distracted by ME ME ME, I miss the important stuff.
Today, Alex had a minor collision with a reversing car. I was able to reach him before any real damage was done, he was wearing a helmet and neither he nor the car were going very fast. Still, it was enough to turn my blood to ice. I was just concentrating on getting Alex to hospital to be checked over, and dealing with what had to happen, to get him lunch and to go home and put a load of washing on, to get dinner, to make his bed.
After dinner, when he was in bed, my sister in law rang to ask how Alex was, and how I was. Her sweet, gentle inquiry brought me undone. I was chipper on the phone but after I hung up, it really hit me how precious he is and how sometimes I'm so irritated by countless requests for everything in sight, that I lose focus of how much I love him. Sometimes he becomes an irritation that I want to escape from, and I know that a lot of stay at homers feel like that, but I feel so bad that it took me so long to actually process what happened today. I sat there and cried because he IS so precious, he is such an amazing kid and I love him SO much......and it just hit me for the millionth time how BIG a responsibility it is to be his mummy and how much that freaked me out to begin with, because it felt like it was too much for me to take on. Today, I couldn't get ahold of my mum or Richard, while Alex and I were waiting in emergency to get him checked over. I thought - looks like I have to be an adult - but when do the grown ups show up? It's scary being a grown up. Half the time, I still feel as clueless as a kid, and that I have no idea what I am supposed to do. But, you know what I have realised lately? That's part of being a human/adult/married/a mum...there's no magic moment when you realise, hurrah, I'm here! There's just coping with what life throws at you - that's what makes you an adult. Nobody has a rule book to life (unless it's the bible), and I just have to trust that my best is good enough.
Alex, buddy, I love you. Every night, before I go to sleep, I look at you sleeping peacefully, and can't imagine my life without you. I'm blessed to have you. God, please help me to remember that, and not to get taken over by my crap and the irritation of daily life. Help me to delight in the blessings you've given me and not to take it for granted and want to escape from my responsibilities!! :)
Friday, July 30, 2010
In the right type of mood
Awwww yeah. This week has been a spectacular dietary fail. Most of you who are my facebook friends know that I"m on a weight loss and health gain crusade - it started in December, when my BMI was 37 and was almost morbidly obese. Since then, I've lost nearly 18kg and my BMI is now around 29, which means that I'm almost overweight and not obese! hurrah!!
Except, last week, I was soooo good.....except for Friday, when the killer flu hit. I've been being Ms activity-pants, and unpacking, cleaning the old house, running playgroup, looking after Alex, sharing babysitting with my friend Marianne, exercising lots and generally being a new improved version of me!! But, on Friday, I had nooo energy. I was supposed to go to Melbourne to see my friend Michele, but I couldn't imagine getting on a train and walking around Melbs in my weakened state. I couldn't even find the energy to lift the makeup brush!! So, I drowned my sorrows in cake. And, on Saturday morning, when I discovered I'd put on nearly a kilo overnight, I decided I was too sick to face bad news. Then, I used feeling yucky as an excuse to eat badly.....I started each day with the resolve to STOP THE INSANITY, but then by about 3pm, was face down in a bucket of slops. Mmm, that's a nice mental image, innit?
So - I weighed in on Monday and discovered that the kilo I'd put on Saturday morning had brought a friend to the party in my tummy and I was now carrying two extra kilos. This put my weight loss back to 15kg :( So, Monday, after my meeting, I ate a Whopper and had a McFlurry to make me feel better. Yeah. writing it down, it doesn't seem to make much sense, but at the time, it seemed like a perfect antidote for the flu and bad mood. Feel bad because you put on weight? why not EAT LARD? mmmm.
Tuesday and Wednesday, I was perfect. Stuck to my points precisely, although with the sniffles and body aches, I didn't exercise at all. Then....yesterday, I decided that I'd have a day in bed, with Alex being in daycare. I haven't done that for ages, and it's all I wanted to do for the past week. But.....instead of going to bed with a good book and some panadol, I took the good book, panadol, box of Delite crackers, damper roll, and slept. Then, I followed that up with a slice of cheesecake from the new Muffin Break here in Kialla. You know the silly thing? It wasn't even nice cheesecake and I didn't like it much. But I ate the whole thing. I guess it goes to show that there are pretty strong "feed me when I'm sick" vibes that I got growing up, and used to self medicate when I've been sick, growing up. Often when I had the flu in Canberra, when I was single, I'd take to bed with chocolate, a magazine and a packet of Starbursts. When I had pneumonia last year, I ate atrociously. Put on about 5 kilos and felt so unhealthy. Do I really want that for myself again? The answer is "no" - but this morning, something inside me said "you weigh in tomorrow, have a DAY OFF AGAIN AND EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT"!!
I think I need to give that voice a whipping, because the only place listening to that voice got me, is morbidly obese, in a pit of shame and denial and extreme unhappiness. It's a struggle. And I think in some way, I gave myself permission to have a few days off, because I have been doing so well. But, normally, once I have a few days off, I can get back on track. But this time, it's been really hard. I know what I want for myself but I don't want to put the work in. And, as we all know, the definition of insanity is to do the same thing and expect a different result. There are always going to be struggles and challenges, but if I let these things dictate my eating, then I can't expect to keep losing weight. In fact, I will put back on weight and soon, be back where I started. I have to learn from this struggle, and to say "ENOUGH" to these negative voices in my head.....to stick to my points and to focus on the goal ahead, to be a good role model to Alex and show him what healthy food looks like.
You know the killer? It's so much easier to eat crap. Good, healthy food takes me a lot longer to prepare and organise. This week, when I have been running on empty, it's been so much easier not to chop up lots of veggies and make a soup with no points for snacks. It's been easier to turn to sugar to give me a lift instead of eating fruit and stuff that will fill me up. I've bought chips twice this week rather than cook a potato. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, but today...I've had two cups of strong coffee, a mental wake up call, and I'm ready to go into battle in the war against my wobbly bits. Self love, here we come!!
I know this is too much information for a lot of people, but I find sharing keeps me accountable. I post on my Facebook account every time I lose weight, but often don't mention it when I gain or stay the same. But, I'm throwing down the gauntlet - this is my struggle and my journey and I'm sure a lot of people are the same. I need to share it if I want to move on and change. Thanks for listening! :)
Except, last week, I was soooo good.....except for Friday, when the killer flu hit. I've been being Ms activity-pants, and unpacking, cleaning the old house, running playgroup, looking after Alex, sharing babysitting with my friend Marianne, exercising lots and generally being a new improved version of me!! But, on Friday, I had nooo energy. I was supposed to go to Melbourne to see my friend Michele, but I couldn't imagine getting on a train and walking around Melbs in my weakened state. I couldn't even find the energy to lift the makeup brush!! So, I drowned my sorrows in cake. And, on Saturday morning, when I discovered I'd put on nearly a kilo overnight, I decided I was too sick to face bad news. Then, I used feeling yucky as an excuse to eat badly.....I started each day with the resolve to STOP THE INSANITY, but then by about 3pm, was face down in a bucket of slops. Mmm, that's a nice mental image, innit?
So - I weighed in on Monday and discovered that the kilo I'd put on Saturday morning had brought a friend to the party in my tummy and I was now carrying two extra kilos. This put my weight loss back to 15kg :( So, Monday, after my meeting, I ate a Whopper and had a McFlurry to make me feel better. Yeah. writing it down, it doesn't seem to make much sense, but at the time, it seemed like a perfect antidote for the flu and bad mood. Feel bad because you put on weight? why not EAT LARD? mmmm.
Tuesday and Wednesday, I was perfect. Stuck to my points precisely, although with the sniffles and body aches, I didn't exercise at all. Then....yesterday, I decided that I'd have a day in bed, with Alex being in daycare. I haven't done that for ages, and it's all I wanted to do for the past week. But.....instead of going to bed with a good book and some panadol, I took the good book, panadol, box of Delite crackers, damper roll, and slept. Then, I followed that up with a slice of cheesecake from the new Muffin Break here in Kialla. You know the silly thing? It wasn't even nice cheesecake and I didn't like it much. But I ate the whole thing. I guess it goes to show that there are pretty strong "feed me when I'm sick" vibes that I got growing up, and used to self medicate when I've been sick, growing up. Often when I had the flu in Canberra, when I was single, I'd take to bed with chocolate, a magazine and a packet of Starbursts. When I had pneumonia last year, I ate atrociously. Put on about 5 kilos and felt so unhealthy. Do I really want that for myself again? The answer is "no" - but this morning, something inside me said "you weigh in tomorrow, have a DAY OFF AGAIN AND EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT"!!
I think I need to give that voice a whipping, because the only place listening to that voice got me, is morbidly obese, in a pit of shame and denial and extreme unhappiness. It's a struggle. And I think in some way, I gave myself permission to have a few days off, because I have been doing so well. But, normally, once I have a few days off, I can get back on track. But this time, it's been really hard. I know what I want for myself but I don't want to put the work in. And, as we all know, the definition of insanity is to do the same thing and expect a different result. There are always going to be struggles and challenges, but if I let these things dictate my eating, then I can't expect to keep losing weight. In fact, I will put back on weight and soon, be back where I started. I have to learn from this struggle, and to say "ENOUGH" to these negative voices in my head.....to stick to my points and to focus on the goal ahead, to be a good role model to Alex and show him what healthy food looks like.
You know the killer? It's so much easier to eat crap. Good, healthy food takes me a lot longer to prepare and organise. This week, when I have been running on empty, it's been so much easier not to chop up lots of veggies and make a soup with no points for snacks. It's been easier to turn to sugar to give me a lift instead of eating fruit and stuff that will fill me up. I've bought chips twice this week rather than cook a potato. I'm not going to beat myself up about it, but today...I've had two cups of strong coffee, a mental wake up call, and I'm ready to go into battle in the war against my wobbly bits. Self love, here we come!!
I know this is too much information for a lot of people, but I find sharing keeps me accountable. I post on my Facebook account every time I lose weight, but often don't mention it when I gain or stay the same. But, I'm throwing down the gauntlet - this is my struggle and my journey and I'm sure a lot of people are the same. I need to share it if I want to move on and change. Thanks for listening! :)
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Just a sucker with low self esteem...
Howdy y'all.
Well, today finds me reflecting on how touchy my self esteem can be at times.
I have had a sinus infection the past few days, and have also just been in a "stinkin thinkin" kinda mood. Most people who read my facebook page know that I'm on a healthy eating and living kick, and I've been soooo motivated for about five months, and have lost 15 kilos. I've also put on 3 in the past month....but lost two of them, so yay me. Well, it was more like, lose one, put on two, lose one, lose another half, put on one. Which is really demoralising, and I know the reason for it. It's cause I am OVER it. I just want to be at my goal weight now, I am sick of being overweight, I feel like I'm fighting a battle that I keep losing. But, do you know what? I felt like this at the start of my weight loss journey. I really struggled with my focus and wanting to do it...but knowing that I had to and WANTED to, so I could model good food behaviour and a healthy lifestyle to my little boy. I don't want him to have the struggle with food and self esteem that I had, if I can at all avoid it!
So yeah, I've basically been cross with my body cause it's sick, and because it's flabby. Which is unhelpful. I've been trying to combat it by being there for other people and getting involved with things.....I have been making some lovely mummy friends at playgroups and other places, and getting involved with STAG and trying to organise packing. But, it's all been a bit crappy because I was sick and all I wanted to do was sleep..but instead of letting myself be sick, I was cross with myself and kept thinking of all the things that I had to do, like sort out Alex's summer clothes, sort out which of his toys to pack, clean the filthy bombsite of a car, organise myself for the playgroup, fill in forms, tidy up, do a load of washing, sort out the mess that is the paperwork drawer, bla bla bla. I went over to Albury on Saturday with Alex and spent the night and hung out with mum and dad the next day.......and may I say that nobody can do sympathy and care the way my mum can? It was so lovely just to abdicate some responsibility and not feel guilty because mum ordered me to rest!! Dr dad also provided some antibiotics for my sinus infection, which made me feel a little better for actually being sick and not just being a whinger/lazy. But I'm still feeling a bit grey. Blah, like the weather.
I am a whole lot happier with myself than I once was, and am trying not to base my self esteem on people, places and things, but on a sense of contentment and happiness within myself.
The ways that I do this are: being interested in other people, doing things that are outside of me, doing things that I enjoy and am good at, taking care of myself by eating well and trying to exercise, being grateful for what I have, rather than looking at what I don't have, going easy on myself and looking back on the good things that I've done, rather than beating myself up for past mistakes. I've been reading a great book on healing your self esteem, which suggests lots of ways to reward yourself if you're down and needing a pick me up. These include soothing your senses by smelling, tasting, or touching....so today when I felt urky, I went and bought a new (cheap) pair of ugh boots....they looked nice, and feel toasty warm. Then, I went and got a frozen yoghurt from Wendys (within my points!!) .....yummmm.......sprayed my "Hypnotic Poison" perfume, which I just love, and gave Richard and Alex lots of hugs. It almost worked! hehe.
So, what am I going to do? Well, I'm feeling a lot better - I had a good cry over nothing in particular, and I think that's cleansed my mood somewhat. I'm now feeling a bit more able to cope, and have struck a few things off the to do list.......feeling more capable and like this week isn't going to be as much of a struggle. Got a few nice things planned this week as well, playgroup tomorrow, tomorrow night is book club, Wednesday mops, Thursday day off from Alex-ing to do random stuff, Friday dinner club, Saturday church dinner, Sunday Richard's car club presentation. Should be a good un. Now that I've got that all out, I'm going to move forward more positively and work on that attitude of gratitude!!
Love you all!
Deb xo
Well, today finds me reflecting on how touchy my self esteem can be at times.
I have had a sinus infection the past few days, and have also just been in a "stinkin thinkin" kinda mood. Most people who read my facebook page know that I'm on a healthy eating and living kick, and I've been soooo motivated for about five months, and have lost 15 kilos. I've also put on 3 in the past month....but lost two of them, so yay me. Well, it was more like, lose one, put on two, lose one, lose another half, put on one. Which is really demoralising, and I know the reason for it. It's cause I am OVER it. I just want to be at my goal weight now, I am sick of being overweight, I feel like I'm fighting a battle that I keep losing. But, do you know what? I felt like this at the start of my weight loss journey. I really struggled with my focus and wanting to do it...but knowing that I had to and WANTED to, so I could model good food behaviour and a healthy lifestyle to my little boy. I don't want him to have the struggle with food and self esteem that I had, if I can at all avoid it!
So yeah, I've basically been cross with my body cause it's sick, and because it's flabby. Which is unhelpful. I've been trying to combat it by being there for other people and getting involved with things.....I have been making some lovely mummy friends at playgroups and other places, and getting involved with STAG and trying to organise packing. But, it's all been a bit crappy because I was sick and all I wanted to do was sleep..but instead of letting myself be sick, I was cross with myself and kept thinking of all the things that I had to do, like sort out Alex's summer clothes, sort out which of his toys to pack, clean the filthy bombsite of a car, organise myself for the playgroup, fill in forms, tidy up, do a load of washing, sort out the mess that is the paperwork drawer, bla bla bla. I went over to Albury on Saturday with Alex and spent the night and hung out with mum and dad the next day.......and may I say that nobody can do sympathy and care the way my mum can? It was so lovely just to abdicate some responsibility and not feel guilty because mum ordered me to rest!! Dr dad also provided some antibiotics for my sinus infection, which made me feel a little better for actually being sick and not just being a whinger/lazy. But I'm still feeling a bit grey. Blah, like the weather.
I am a whole lot happier with myself than I once was, and am trying not to base my self esteem on people, places and things, but on a sense of contentment and happiness within myself.
The ways that I do this are: being interested in other people, doing things that are outside of me, doing things that I enjoy and am good at, taking care of myself by eating well and trying to exercise, being grateful for what I have, rather than looking at what I don't have, going easy on myself and looking back on the good things that I've done, rather than beating myself up for past mistakes. I've been reading a great book on healing your self esteem, which suggests lots of ways to reward yourself if you're down and needing a pick me up. These include soothing your senses by smelling, tasting, or touching....so today when I felt urky, I went and bought a new (cheap) pair of ugh boots....they looked nice, and feel toasty warm. Then, I went and got a frozen yoghurt from Wendys (within my points!!) .....yummmm.......sprayed my "Hypnotic Poison" perfume, which I just love, and gave Richard and Alex lots of hugs. It almost worked! hehe.
So, what am I going to do? Well, I'm feeling a lot better - I had a good cry over nothing in particular, and I think that's cleansed my mood somewhat. I'm now feeling a bit more able to cope, and have struck a few things off the to do list.......feeling more capable and like this week isn't going to be as much of a struggle. Got a few nice things planned this week as well, playgroup tomorrow, tomorrow night is book club, Wednesday mops, Thursday day off from Alex-ing to do random stuff, Friday dinner club, Saturday church dinner, Sunday Richard's car club presentation. Should be a good un. Now that I've got that all out, I'm going to move forward more positively and work on that attitude of gratitude!!
Love you all!
Deb xo
Thursday, May 13, 2010
It's not all about me
I have to say, I'm a big fan of talking. And I often don't have the filter that other people have. Yes, I've been guilty of the over-share in my life. Big time. But I'm starting to learn the value of keeping quiet.
I have been in therapy for about 10 years...I don't mind admitting it. I've always been prone to depression and talking about it has been an amazing way of going from the scared, immature, broken girl I was at 22 to the content, grown up and accountable woman that I try to be most days. But it hasn't been easy. There have been many layers of thoughts that I've had to sift through, many ugly and frightening beliefs that I've had to challenge and shed. And I'm going to go all spiritual here and say that the only way I've been able to continue along this path is through a belief in a higher power - in my case, God.
It's been an amazing revelation to see that when I continually have problems with people, and get in arguments, the person who I need to look at is the common denominator - me. If I keep having trouble in my workplaces, I need to look at my attitude and the situations that I put myself in. It's been a turnaround to see that most people aren't out to get me, they're just suffering from their own variety of dysfunction. It's been amazing to free people from their pedestals, and to let them be human. My thinking has gone from black and white to shades of grey. I am a perfectionist and get really upset if I don't measure up to my standards, and while this spurs some people on to achieve, it makes me drop out and stop trying. My desire has been to just do the best I can, and to realise that nobody (apart from me ) is judging me. I have also realised that it's unfair to have such high standards of my friends and to persecute them when they don't live up to them. Today I give them space to be who they are.
It's also amazing that, in keeping quiet sometimes, that I can be the one that people confide in, the shoulder that they cry on, instead of being the centre of attention and the one who needs to be propped up.
I had a friend recently ask me about seeing someone to resolve some issues and I realised that this is something I know quite well. I'm thinking about going into the area of counselling, because it fascinates me, the reasons why we do what we do, and the patterns that we repeat in our lives. Knowledge is power, and once you understand why you do what you do, then you have the power to change it. It is painful turning the light onto yourself and examining, but the rewards are...the ability to change behaviour that keeps you trapped. It's amazing.
I'd also like to say how blessed I am to have my wonderful family, and how amazing it is to have such strong, healthy and happy ties with my sisters and my parents. I'm also blessed to be part of an amazing family of inlaws, and have found such great unconditional love in the Hay family. I'm pretty happy and content. (now is the part where I go and have a massive fight with someone..heheheh....pride comes before a fall!)
peace out, homies xoxoxo
ps -if you want to get some counselling about a problem, the best way to do it is to talk to your GP. In Australia, we're lucky to have a very supportive health care program. Your GP can set up a care plan and refer you for 6 visits to a psychologist or counsellor at a reduced rate. Depending on the counsellor's fee structure, these visits may even be free. We are so lucky we live in an age where mental health is so important and its upkeep so well supported. Go Australia! :)
I have been in therapy for about 10 years...I don't mind admitting it. I've always been prone to depression and talking about it has been an amazing way of going from the scared, immature, broken girl I was at 22 to the content, grown up and accountable woman that I try to be most days. But it hasn't been easy. There have been many layers of thoughts that I've had to sift through, many ugly and frightening beliefs that I've had to challenge and shed. And I'm going to go all spiritual here and say that the only way I've been able to continue along this path is through a belief in a higher power - in my case, God.
It's been an amazing revelation to see that when I continually have problems with people, and get in arguments, the person who I need to look at is the common denominator - me. If I keep having trouble in my workplaces, I need to look at my attitude and the situations that I put myself in. It's been a turnaround to see that most people aren't out to get me, they're just suffering from their own variety of dysfunction. It's been amazing to free people from their pedestals, and to let them be human. My thinking has gone from black and white to shades of grey. I am a perfectionist and get really upset if I don't measure up to my standards, and while this spurs some people on to achieve, it makes me drop out and stop trying. My desire has been to just do the best I can, and to realise that nobody (apart from me ) is judging me. I have also realised that it's unfair to have such high standards of my friends and to persecute them when they don't live up to them. Today I give them space to be who they are.
It's also amazing that, in keeping quiet sometimes, that I can be the one that people confide in, the shoulder that they cry on, instead of being the centre of attention and the one who needs to be propped up.
I had a friend recently ask me about seeing someone to resolve some issues and I realised that this is something I know quite well. I'm thinking about going into the area of counselling, because it fascinates me, the reasons why we do what we do, and the patterns that we repeat in our lives. Knowledge is power, and once you understand why you do what you do, then you have the power to change it. It is painful turning the light onto yourself and examining, but the rewards are...the ability to change behaviour that keeps you trapped. It's amazing.
I'd also like to say how blessed I am to have my wonderful family, and how amazing it is to have such strong, healthy and happy ties with my sisters and my parents. I'm also blessed to be part of an amazing family of inlaws, and have found such great unconditional love in the Hay family. I'm pretty happy and content. (now is the part where I go and have a massive fight with someone..heheheh....pride comes before a fall!)
peace out, homies xoxoxo
ps -if you want to get some counselling about a problem, the best way to do it is to talk to your GP. In Australia, we're lucky to have a very supportive health care program. Your GP can set up a care plan and refer you for 6 visits to a psychologist or counsellor at a reduced rate. Depending on the counsellor's fee structure, these visits may even be free. We are so lucky we live in an age where mental health is so important and its upkeep so well supported. Go Australia! :)
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Shorty's like a melody in my head...
What a weekend.
This weekend, with trepidation and excitement, I set off to my gorgeous friend Tammy's 30th Birthday party. There were bound to be all sorts of cool people there, as Tams is deeply, deeply funky....and I was worried that I wouldn't speak the language. I thought perhaps, that as I live in a small-ish town and don't work for profit, I'd be kinda out of my depth. I haven't visited my Melbs friends much in the past couple of years, things have been busy with Alex and all that, with the recovering from PND thing, and finding my feet in a new town (Sheppo).
It's weird having a child, some people can do it without losing themselves, but I often have a chamelon-like nature. So, I've struggled with being "Deb" and being "mum". Which parts are the immature parts that I don't want anymore, and which parts can I keep? Do I have to wear sensible shoes? Can I still laugh at fart jokes and be generally immature? Is it appropriate to use the slang of yoof, or am I being a try hard? Should I want to talk about tupperware and scrapbooking? Or can I still enjoy celebrity gossip and reading chick lit?
Well, the answer is, the answer is (to quote Winnona Ryder in "Reality Bites")...I don't know. But I'm starting to figure it out. No, I don't have to wear sensible shoes, but it saves time when chasing an errant child. Yes, I can still laugh at fart jokes and be generally immature, but I have to be consistent with my discipling of Alex. It may be somewhat appropriate to use the slang of yoof, although this must be watched, and done with an ironic twist. Nothing worse than being a try hard. I tried to be interested in Tupperware and Scrapbooking, but have realised I'd rather eat dirt. Sorry, ladies, but I just don't get it. And yes, I can still enjoy celebrity gossip and chick lit. I can even join a book club! whee!
So, it's gradually happening, this building of the picture of the real me...like a Polaroid slowly coming into focus. Being involved with STAG has definitely helped, as has finding allies in the trenches of motherhood, a good church, a great psych, and becoming good mates with Mon and Leigh and other STAG-ites.
Back to the weekend. Caught up with my girls, Michele and Tams, and Lucy was there too, which was great. I really enjoyed our chats in the slumber party room. Me, Michele and Luce in three beds across the room. Most of the time, we just chilled out, talking about boys and relationships. I adored it. It's the kind of girl talk that I don't get a lot of time for anymore. Richard and Alex are the people I see and talk to the most, and there's not a lot of satisfying analysis of motives to be had. I also got to hear about men dilemmas and was somewhat cast in the position of relationship expert. I am a bit of a phony, as Richard is only my second relationship, and the only one that's beyond 3 months! It was love at first sight for us, and we've spent a lot of time and energy trying to understand each other. Some days it's easier than others. Mostly, I still think I'll burst at how much I love him and how glad I am that he fell for me, too. But I can remember what it was like to be out there, and to want someone to love me. And how hard it was to get up and dust yourself off when the latest prospect let you down. I know the bravery it takes to keep on crusading for Mr or Ms Right. It's a jungle out there.
I went for long walks (at least an hour, ha!), one by myself, and one with Lucy and Michele. I had breakfast at a beautiful cafe with a gorgeous view all by myself and felt so happy to be alive, that I just beamed. Life is beautiful, when you're content. I was reminded this weekend how wonderful it is to be understood, and to be around people who speak your emotional language, who adore analysis and to whom words are currency. I met Michele's ex, Mark, for the first time, and I really liked him. I liked Jo and Dave, Pete and Rennie, Georgie and Nick, Holly and Daisy, James, Alia and Kip and the other smiley guys around. I though Tammy's parents were wonderful and loved how Linda and Ben made us all feel so welcome. I felt like I was part of a really cool adult school camp. Banter and jokes and innuendo flew around the house at all times. I joined in, I wasn't afraid. I felt like me again, but a new and improved version. I don't have to drink to be this me. I never did, that's the funny thing. The courage to be this me, has been a long time coming.....and it's a precious gift that I am thankful for every day.
Love you all
Deb xoxo
This weekend, with trepidation and excitement, I set off to my gorgeous friend Tammy's 30th Birthday party. There were bound to be all sorts of cool people there, as Tams is deeply, deeply funky....and I was worried that I wouldn't speak the language. I thought perhaps, that as I live in a small-ish town and don't work for profit, I'd be kinda out of my depth. I haven't visited my Melbs friends much in the past couple of years, things have been busy with Alex and all that, with the recovering from PND thing, and finding my feet in a new town (Sheppo).
It's weird having a child, some people can do it without losing themselves, but I often have a chamelon-like nature. So, I've struggled with being "Deb" and being "mum". Which parts are the immature parts that I don't want anymore, and which parts can I keep? Do I have to wear sensible shoes? Can I still laugh at fart jokes and be generally immature? Is it appropriate to use the slang of yoof, or am I being a try hard? Should I want to talk about tupperware and scrapbooking? Or can I still enjoy celebrity gossip and reading chick lit?
Well, the answer is, the answer is (to quote Winnona Ryder in "Reality Bites")...I don't know. But I'm starting to figure it out. No, I don't have to wear sensible shoes, but it saves time when chasing an errant child. Yes, I can still laugh at fart jokes and be generally immature, but I have to be consistent with my discipling of Alex. It may be somewhat appropriate to use the slang of yoof, although this must be watched, and done with an ironic twist. Nothing worse than being a try hard. I tried to be interested in Tupperware and Scrapbooking, but have realised I'd rather eat dirt. Sorry, ladies, but I just don't get it. And yes, I can still enjoy celebrity gossip and chick lit. I can even join a book club! whee!
So, it's gradually happening, this building of the picture of the real me...like a Polaroid slowly coming into focus. Being involved with STAG has definitely helped, as has finding allies in the trenches of motherhood, a good church, a great psych, and becoming good mates with Mon and Leigh and other STAG-ites.
Back to the weekend. Caught up with my girls, Michele and Tams, and Lucy was there too, which was great. I really enjoyed our chats in the slumber party room. Me, Michele and Luce in three beds across the room. Most of the time, we just chilled out, talking about boys and relationships. I adored it. It's the kind of girl talk that I don't get a lot of time for anymore. Richard and Alex are the people I see and talk to the most, and there's not a lot of satisfying analysis of motives to be had. I also got to hear about men dilemmas and was somewhat cast in the position of relationship expert. I am a bit of a phony, as Richard is only my second relationship, and the only one that's beyond 3 months! It was love at first sight for us, and we've spent a lot of time and energy trying to understand each other. Some days it's easier than others. Mostly, I still think I'll burst at how much I love him and how glad I am that he fell for me, too. But I can remember what it was like to be out there, and to want someone to love me. And how hard it was to get up and dust yourself off when the latest prospect let you down. I know the bravery it takes to keep on crusading for Mr or Ms Right. It's a jungle out there.
I went for long walks (at least an hour, ha!), one by myself, and one with Lucy and Michele. I had breakfast at a beautiful cafe with a gorgeous view all by myself and felt so happy to be alive, that I just beamed. Life is beautiful, when you're content. I was reminded this weekend how wonderful it is to be understood, and to be around people who speak your emotional language, who adore analysis and to whom words are currency. I met Michele's ex, Mark, for the first time, and I really liked him. I liked Jo and Dave, Pete and Rennie, Georgie and Nick, Holly and Daisy, James, Alia and Kip and the other smiley guys around. I though Tammy's parents were wonderful and loved how Linda and Ben made us all feel so welcome. I felt like I was part of a really cool adult school camp. Banter and jokes and innuendo flew around the house at all times. I joined in, I wasn't afraid. I felt like me again, but a new and improved version. I don't have to drink to be this me. I never did, that's the funny thing. The courage to be this me, has been a long time coming.....and it's a precious gift that I am thankful for every day.
Love you all
Deb xoxo
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