Vanilla sky

Well I sat and watched a bit of this movie when it was on, Tuesday morning and I was trying to clean up the house. I saw it with my friend Suzanne, I think, years ago.....when it first came out in 02 or 03? I think I saw it with Suz. Anyho...

At the time I hated the movie, thought it was a seinfeld movie, a movie about nothing, tom cruise's posturings and his silly spanish piece of fluff, bla bla bla.... but oh dear....tuesday it really got to me.

Tom's character is a serial romancer, who has a bed buddy, played by Cameron Diaz.....she is mega serious about him but he's not in the least bit serious about her. He also has a lovely friend played by Jason Lee, who never gets the chick, cause tommy boy is always getting the chick. Anyway, at a party at his house, one that he hasn't invited Cammy to....he meets Penelope Cruz's character, a spirited painter and dancer. Jason Lee has his eye on her but when they meet it's obvious that TC and PC like each other. Jason Lee takes him to one side and says "you could have anyone, why do you have to take the one I like?" Tom smiles but pursues her anyway, walking her home and save a kiss goodbye, saving their chemistry for later. He walks away and sees Cameron's character waiting in a car, wanting to talk to him.....she says, as friends...

So to prove he isn't a total a-hole, Tom gets in the car. she then goes ballistic and commits suicide by driving the car off a bridge, and injuring his beautiful face. He doesn't cope well with the change in his life....which is only that of perception. He's still the same person, but he believes that people don't see him as they used to. He believes that they feel sorry for him. He is so stuck and so sick that he believes that the only way out is Suicide. His emotions and perceptions are soooo ugly, he believes there is no way out for him, that anyone who wants to be in his life from now on is only doing so because they feel sorry for him. The film where he takes the pills, he is so desperate, so ugly in his fear, and so wrong about the rest of the world. People care about him but because he can't control how they see him anymore, he can't cope.

I cried and cried because this is something that I have struggled with so much in my postnatal depression. I believe anyone who wants to get to know me feels sorry for me and I want to control how they see me. I don't think I'm well enough yet, I don't think I'm perfect enough for anyone to love me or want me. All I see is my flaws...they cloud my perception of everything anyone else says or does. He had the windows shut and there was no light...there was no rest, there was no peace in ending his life. THere were people waiting to be his friend and to love him, but all he had to do was go outside. It would hurt for a while and be strange, but soon he could be a friend as well as have a friend. He could help other people who had been through the same thing. He could see that life is not a perfect tragectory and moving straight up, but that a lot of life is falling down (sometimes really hard) and getting back up and trying to walk again.

Much of our classic art and literature and music was composed by artists who were suffering, artists who knew pain and who tried to communicate this pain. Pain and suffering is not nice, not nice at all...but it can be the start of massive growth and maturity. It gives you character. Suicide is not the answer, not ever. There is always another chance, there is always another day.

Lots and lots of love to you all. and more songs soon!

Music is my emotional currency...

I think I have watched too many John Hughes films or something....but I just love music. I love having a song to associate with a moment. I mark periods of mass depression or upset with song. I also mark happiness with song and am never happier than when music is blaring. I hate showering without it, I hate working without it, I definitely hate driving without it.

Here are my top ten songs to be depressed to:
"dark star" - Suede
"halcyon and on"- Orbital
"silence" - Sarah McLachlan
"apologise" - Timbaland & One Republic
"touch me" - Rui DaSilva
"jackie" - Bz with Joanne (yes I do have a thing for crappy 90s dance music)
"love supreme" - Robbie Williams
"feel" - Robbie Williams
"you said that you would love only me" - not sure who sings this one...tried to find out on the internet and all I got was http://www.tuneid.com/312550-post1.html
"unbreak my heart" - Toni braxton

hmmm this is actually harder than I thought it would be....am trying to access hidden pockets of depressed music-listening

This has taken a lot longer than I thought it would and I will now publish this and tune in tomorrow for the happy songs!!

Kindergarten Cop

I have been thinking about this movie lately....my good friend Laura and her friend Michael quoted it all the time when we were at uni. Michael scared Laurs one night cause he rang her answering machine and said "His head is so big he can't wear any hats"....over and over in this high pitched voice. It's hilarious though....I love the bit where the kids talk about their dads, and the bit where the kiddies are going crazy, running all over the place....and he yells out "shhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuutt uuuuuuuuuuuuupppppppppp!"....and all the kids start crying and he's like.....oh dear. I think of that often, when Alex is refusing to go to sleep or something......I imagine myself yelling it. I never do it. Honest! I've probably yelled at him a handful of times, when he is doing something really naughty....and the look on his face....poor little man. Enough to make me never do it again!

I also bought "girls just wanna have fun" on dvd and I am sooooooooooooooooooo in love with that movie. I think cause I first saw it at a sleepover when I was about 10, and life was so simple back then. I just love it cause it's a movie where good truimphs over bad, where the girl gets the guy and they win! It would be interesting if they did a followup on that movie. Helen Hunt was soooo great as Lynne Stone. And I love the eighties music. So good.

I'm going to get my hair cut this week and I think I might go to Shepparton. I really want something that's funky and perhaps some layers or foils. Not too light though, light foils make me look scary. I need to find a hairdresser who does funky hairstyles for curly hair. My hair is very bizarre and does not behave how normal hair behaves.

Richard is watching I-robot and Alex is tugging at my foot. best go. byeeeeee xoxo

Back's getting better and going crafty!

Well I had a pretty good day today, made some biscuits and vacummed the floor twice. It was great. hehe. I was looking at Facebook today and it's always awkward when you see people that you've gone out with on there. Ugh. Makes me realise how young and dumb I was when I lived in Canberra. Always with the wanting approval thing.

Not that I'm fixed on that yet....still in counselling and that is going pretty well. I think there are just people who seem to be born without life's rule book and I am one of them. I have no male friends who aren't gay....I find it very difficult to talk to guys that aren't either my husband or related to me by marriage. I think it's got a bit to do with my personality and a bit to do with being one of three gals. Who knows.

Tonight I'm off to this craft night that they're holding at the church hall. Any of my friends who know me well will know how little I like craft, believing it to be a) boring and b) a time waster. But, there are lots of people here who like craft and I spose I shouldn't be craft-ist. If I get bored I can easily come home...Richard has taken Alex out to his parents farm for dinner. Which means yay, a no-cook night for me. Yipee!

Also, America's next top model is on tonight which is awesome. I love the trash. I'm off to Cobram tomorrow to GROCERY SHOP! Stop shouting, I hear you say.....heheh. Grocery shopping is one of my highlights for the week. I get to spend money and look at stuff. Yay!

Heath Ledger, how sad

http://perezhilton.com/2008-01-23-the-latest-on-the-heath-ledger-tragedy

Just checked Perez Hilton for his take on the sad news about Heath Ledger. Man....I can understand wanting to kill yourself, cause for a lot of last year, I felt like it was my only option. I had so much going for me and so many people who cared about me, but none of it could break through the darkness that I felt. I really wanted it to, but I just felt like if anyone who loved me knew how bad that I felt, that they would understand me not wanting to be around. It is so horrific that unless you have stood in someone with Major depression or a substance dependency issue's shoes....you can't really judge.

Still incredibly sad and he's so young! he's about six months younger than my little sister, Angela......my gosh.....he still had so much to do, so much to live for. At the end of the day it doesn't really matter what I think though......life goes on, doesn't it? Sometimes it's hard to make sense of it all......I remember that bit in Reality Bites where Ethan Hawke's character says something like "life is just a lottery of meaningless coincidences and a series of near misses".... That's sure what it seems like sometimes. I guess the thing with believing in God, we believe that there is a reason for it all, that it's not all in vain, that there is some higher power making sense of it all when it all seems like meaningless bullshit to us.

Had a great day today, had the girls around for mothers group, had a massage and had a nanna nap this afternoon. I am still a little bit scared of not being able to sleep, but it's getting less and I am a lot better. Went and had dinner with some lovely friends, Darren and Kate, and they have a little boy Roree who is 3 months older than Alex. It was lovely. Just sitting around talking crap and laughing...one of those lovely evenings which you can never plan.

I feel very lucky to be alive. Which is so nice because for so long I didn't care either way. 2008 IS the year of victory!

Dance music

Hey all,

Well this week just gone has been very very lazy, cause of my sore back all I did was sit around and watch dvds and videos! On Saturday while Richard was working out in the shed on his car, I sat and watched almost all of my "This Life" vid, it was good. Reminded me of what I used to be like, what my life was like when I was a singleton in Canberra. A bit scary really. Being married has changed me a lot, and most of it is for the better. No more smoking or drinking or excessive swearing. I like to think I'm a bit less judgemental but who knows.

I also viewed "Girls just want to have fun" almost two times! Oh...I was so excited when the DVD came and I could catapult myself back into the eighties. It got me quite nostalgic about when I was going to sleepovers, when I was 10 and 11. Life seemed so much simpler then. It did bring home to me some of the bad points about "girls just wanna" that I had never considered before. SJP was sposed to be 16 and in her final year of highschool, or second final....and was sneaking out of her house in Chicago to go and meet a boy. I've been to Chicago and I thought it was quite scary in parts, so I can certainly understand her parent's desire to keep her safe at home. But it's easy to see her side of it too. Being a parent now, you can see that the parents portrayed in movies aren't so bad as they seemed when you were a kid. Parenting is not an exact science and it's something that I fail at daily........I don't hit the mark of the kind of parent I always thought I'd be. But then I've always been the kind of person who thinks getting fit or going on a diet would be fun, but only if I did it with a movie-style montage of daily walks or speeded up progress. I'm all for the ideas but the actual follow-through....hmmm...not so much. Several abandoned gym memberships and weightloss company memberships are evidence to that fact.

Intentions are great, but the proof is in the doing. If you think about your friends all the time but never call them, you're not really a good friend.

My challenge this week is to not buy any other food than what I have in the house. I think that's where we are spending a bit of money. I always like to think that money's for spending and show my love by showering people with food. Not literally. hehe.

anyway, that's it for me for this monday. Alex is gorgeous and so cute. He went back to daycare today and I really missed the little guy. Lots of changes are afoot in the Hay household. Will have to update soon!

Should be in bed alseep

hello all - I'm sitting here looking on stuff on the puter, which is silly cause I should be in bed! I am thinking that i need to start shopping with a menu plan in place so I just don't go to the shops and get ten million loads of stuff, but then get home and realise I've got no milk or butter or something.

But just as I go to look up these very things on the internet, somehow my mouse clicks onto www.perez.com and facebook and oh dear......I spend ages on the net doing not much.

Poor little Alex was crying out a while ago, I was wondering what it was and then I went in to see and our little kitten, Ricki, was jumping up and down on him. Naughty girl, she is!

I originally only got up cause i really had to read the last few pages of the book i was reading. Gosh it was good. Nothing I love more than a good book, one that drags you in and involves you.
I am now going to go be involved with my bed. yay!

Good night!