Well, as most people reading my Facebook page would know, the family and I headed over to Perth about a week ago for Nanna (Mum's mum)'s 90th birthday! Me, Alex, my sister Angela, Mum and Dad, my sister Jen, her hubby Ben and their kids Annelise, Zach and Elijah.
Ang, Alex and I were most kindly accommodated by Mum's brother, Jeff and his lovely wife Jenny, daughter Hayley and dog Gemma. hehe. Mum and Dad stayed with Nan and Jen, Ben & co stayed at an apartment in Scarborough for four days, two nights with a family friend somewhere in the sticks, and the remaining three nights with Jeff & Jen.
Friday, we all arrived, Angela had taken a flight from Sydney a little earlier and was waiting for us. We collected the car and all piled in, and went and had dinner at Nan's with a massive Abbott family gathering......... Jeff, Jen, Hayley, as well as their other kids Tracey, Tracey's hubby Rob, Clint and his fiance Adele, and their five kids Kyeran, Ayden, Chloe, Chelsea and Shelby....Ange, Mum & Dad, Alex & I, Nan, of course, it was a full house! Cam, Jeff & Jen's son, was working late at Hugo Boss and didn't arrive til 9pm (or 11pm est!)......
Alex was doing pretty well but hadn't had a sleep all day or much of a rest and absolutely lost it around 8ish, so lovely Clint dropped us home to Jeff & Jen's and I got Alex to bed, then cracked out the tracky pants and made myself a cuppa. Ang and Hayley arrived home not long after and we chatted for a bit before all heading for bed. We slept pretty well, Alex woke a few times and was up at 5.30am (7.30 est)...so i dressed us, grabbed the stroller and went for a walk around the shops....only to discover that west australian shops, eg safeway and coles, don't open til 8!! Oh the humanity, as I was so used to Shepparton shopping kicking off at 7am and was thinking I could kill a few hours with a leisurely walk around. Oh well.
We grabbed a coffee for me and a mcmuffin for alex and found a park further up beach road, and had a good play, made a sandcastle and went on the swings. We headed back to the Warwick grove Centro (Ang and I were sure that it was a Westfield, even though mum assured us it wasn't. She was right. Damn it!! hehe)...and met up with Angela for a coffee and a browse through the now open Coles.....got a call from Mum and Dad and met them at the Gloria Jeans. Hilarity was had by most, with Ang and Dad giggling over Glomesh - dad had found a bag at nan's and was quite taken by it. I was a bit of a grumpy bum as I hadn't had quite enough sleep and tried to join in but was a bit vague. Alex and I walked back to Jeff and Jen's and Ang, Mum, Dad and Alex headed out to see Jen & Ben and co. I headed off to a meeting and grabbed some lunch at the Centro. Bought some flowers for Jeff & Jen to say thanks and met the crew back at Jeff & Jens. Ang went off for a sleep as she had the flu and Alex played outside for hours on a plastic bike, whose wheels made a delightful sound on the concrete bricks. After two hours I ordered him inside and we cleaned up for dinner..yummy Tacos made by Hayley, with the assistance of Ang and I.........and I can't even remember what we did on Saturday night. Ang? Anyone? I think we all tried to have an early one as Nan's birthday lunch was the next day.
Sunday dawned bright and clear and Alex slept til 8am, what a good boy! I was a bit sleep deprived and weepy, premenstrual as all heck. I was also a bit stressed out as there are a lot of knick knacks and breakables at Jeff and Jen's and I was determined that Alex and I were on our best behaviour, so I felt quite unable to leave him alone at all times, was watching him like a hawk and even taking him to the toilet with me! I didn't feel that I could impose on Ang as she was sick with the flu and I was trying to prove to everyone that I was accommodating and mature and didn't have a hint of control freakery or PND residue. As a result, when Ang and Dad and I went for a walk I snapped at Ang, then burst into tears, and a tirade about how difficult I was finding it and how I missed Richard and was afraid of not being able to do this. We all went to the park and I pulled it together for Nan's par-tay. Much fun was had, although I must admit that I hardly spoke to anyone as I was trying to look after Alex and make sure he didn't destroy the fancy restaurant. Wasn't particularly child friendly but the food was delicious and I gave up all thought of healthy eating and tucked in with gusto. Alex started to lose it and was showing signs of tantrum.....so I got Ang to drop me home (stupidly I had told mum & ang that I didn't care if I drove or not, so they didn't add me to the hire car list. Again, with the trying too hard to not be control-freakery!!)...and had a little rest. I think Alex slept for a while, or maybe he just lay in bed and went "la la la"for an hour (yes, I think that's what happened)
The hordes then arrived at Jeff & Jen's and everyone played for hours, was lots of fun. I got my second wind and stopped being a grumpy bum. People started to leave and Alex headed off to bed early. Hayley, Ang, Jeff & Jen and I all sat down and watched some telly, eating some yummy mini pizzas that Jen made.
Monday, Ang, Hayley, Cam, Alex and I went to play mini golf and then to the Margaret River Chocolate Factory. It was lots of fun, although I can say that I wouldn't recommend mini golf to anyone under 4. It was a bit of an exercise in frustration, although there are lots of cute photos of Alex playing mini golf. I was a bit grumpy, but trying to be Zen about not getting to play and spending my time retrieving the ball for Alex and trying to ensure that he didn't destroy the golf course with his swinging golf club! The chocolate factory was a big hit though!! I saw the most revolting thing I saw all holiday, a revolting woman with a massive paw-full of the sample chocolate ramming handfuls of the stuff into her gaping maw. Quite disgusting, as they're sposed to be samples that you try, not grab entire paw-loads of and shovel into your gob as quick as possible. And besides, I only do that in the privacy of my own home. hee.
Monday lunch, we met up with Jen & ben and others at Nan's house for her unofficial birthday lunch......and large quantities of lunch and the delicious creamy sinful cake were consumed. mmmmmm... We then journeyed home to J&J's and the cousins (Jen, Ben, Ang, Hayley, Cam and I) all cleaned up for a night out, with the grown ups (Mum & Dad, Jeff & Jen), looking after the kidlets. We went tenpin bowling, with me insisting that everyone make up funny names on the bowling screen. I was "farty". heheh. We then went on for a lovely dinner at the local Italian, where pizza and pasta was consumed. The highlight of the night was after dinner, when Ang and Hayley won a large spongebob squarepants from the skilltester machine!! We buckled him into the kiddie seat and set on our way, singing Spongebob squarepants as we went!
Tuesday, all the kids and most of the adults had their hair cut / coloured by the talented miss Hayley. Alex cried all the way through his haircut, but Zach, Annelise and Elijah enjoyed theirs. I was still stressing a bit, I love being around my neice and nephews but I find it a bit full on, being only used to looking after one. A misunderstanding led me to lose the plot and say "I'm taking alex for a walk!!".. I headed off in tears and was wondering what the heck was wrong with me. I started to realise that I was feeling impotent and out of control, as I had no transport and kept having to rely on others to do what I wanted to do. I was also trying way too hard to be "nice"and "perfect", and getting a bit worried about Wednesday, when everyone was going to have a day to themselves, and Alex and I were going to be stuck at home. I hate being stuck at home. I'm a get out there and do stuff kinda gal. So, I decided I'd hire a crappy car for a coupla days. This proved a little difficult as I don't have a credit card (only Richard does, and with good reason too!).....but I found one and Alex and I took a taxi to pick up our Adventure Car (as Alex and I called it) We came home and I apologised to Haylz and Ang for being a moody cow, and explained that I'd felt trapped...but now had my freedom. Yay! Hayley did my hair and Alex actually had a sleep. Double Yay!! Ang also had a sleep to kill the flu bugs.
Tuesday night we had a girls night in and had yummy indian and watched Marley and Me. I cried again, and Ang didn't cry at all! I accused her of being inhuman. hehehe. A joke, I swear!
Wednesday dawned and Ang headed to the westfield for pamering, Muz & Wad went to the cemetary to visit Grandma, and Alex and I went to Toddler Town, out in Morley.....and stayed there for three hours. It was fantastic and we had the best time. Wish there was something like that here in Shep
We then went out to Hilary's for an icecream and to look at the beach and boats. While we were out there, mum rang and said she'd booked us into the Harbourside apartments there as she felt that I'd enjoy myself more with some space ....gee, am I that obvious?? hehe. I would have probably coped with Ben and Jen and kids and Alex and i staying at J&J's but might have struggled, so this was soooooo thoughtful and lovely of mum and dad. We called in to see Mum and Dad at Nan's and Alex fell asleep in the car, and didn't even wake up when I transferred him to the bed. I ran over to J&J's, packed a case for Alex and I and journeyed over to Hilarys.
I accidentally locked myself out, with Alex on the inside, while I was trying to bring all the bags in. He was getting quite upset and it took ages for me to find the right number to ring for after hours (probably about two minutes!)....the lady was wonderful, and flew down the stairs to open the door so I could be reunited with a tearful boy. It was such a beautiful apartment.....and it was so nice having some space, although i felt a little lonely. hehe....be careful what you wish for. I quickly recovered with the pay tv and some chocolate. Yes, all idea of healthy eating on holiday was definitely abandoned.
Thursday, Ang, Mum and Dad had offered to take Alex, Zach, Annelise and Elijah to the zoo so that the adults could have a child free day. We jumped at the chance and dropped kids off at 10am. I was all set to get a pedicure but as I drove off, decided to buy some flowers and go visit grandma's grave. As I drove around Subiaco, Nedlands and Claremont, it took a little while to find a shop to buy flowers in, and by the time I found Grandma's grave, it was midday. Jen and Ben rang and we arranged to meet up in Subiaco. I went to Dalkieth - Grandma and Grandpa lived there most of their lives and I'd spent many happy summers there.
I had dressed up for the day, luckily, as Dalkieth is rather hoity toity these days. Felt comfortable sauntering into the coffee shop and ordering a large decaf skinny cap. I think cappuchinos are supposedly passe these days, but I'm going retro. So there! Met up with Jen and Ben and Cam and had a yummy lunch in Suby........a little browsing, then a scenic drive along the coast, and to Cold Rock at Hilarys for more icecream for the whole gang.
I had to take my little crappy Pulsar back to the shop by 4.30, so Cam met me there and we all drove home. Alex was very tired after his long day at the zoo, as were Mum, Dad, Ang, Zach, Annelise and Elijah. Everyone came over to Jeff and Jen's for a roast but Alex was set for a tiredness tantrum and I asked mum to take me home.....taking a delicious plate of roast back to the apartment with me. Alex was asleep within 20 mins and I sat up reading til 11pm.
Friday morning Alex and I had some choc chip pancakes on the Wharf as a last hurrah, then walked around and got some provisions for the plane ride home. Mum picked us up and we checked in to our flight and spent some time at the airport. Dad is terrified of being late for a plane, and doesn't travel well, so we arrived two full hours before we were due to board the plane....two and a half before we were due to fly out. Never mind. A misunderstanding and a spilt coffee got the morning off to a bad start, as Alex was being very cranky (not unlike his mummy)...and the emotion of the trip wasn't lost on any of us. I apologised for being cranky (a recurring theme to the holiday) and we jetted off to Melbourne. All in all, a fairly successful holiday and I think I did pretty well without my hubby, although I had lots of support from family......all in all, I think I tried to be responsible, adult and aware of the effect my actions had on others....and I believe I was successful a fair bit of the time. yay, progress!
That's all folks.....back to reality and about seven or so days til Richard returns. Mum, Dad, Alex and I all managed to pick up some degree of bug on the plane, and I spent Friday and last night in Shep by myself, felt ok Friday night but yesterday was suffering from a yucky tummy bug. Today Alex and I had to come over to Finley for Roree's party, and as I was still suffering, lovely Mum took Alex to the party. Tonight we're camping at mum and dads, where I write these words to you.....waiting for damn Facebook to upload mum's photos.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
March and April 2009
Wow, so.....it's been about six weeks since I've last blogged...I keep thinking that I should, but it's so much easier just to do random quizzes on facebook and comment on other peoples statuses, then refresh the page to see if they've responded to my witty comments...hehhe. I do so have a life!!
Well, I went to Portarlington with Richard and his work in late March, that was fun...I was stressing heaps about it because it was going to be a bit of a boozy weekend away..... Went to a few meetings beforehand and went away armed with a lot of numbers and the meetings list. Actually managed to attend one whilst I was away, most of the boys were go-carting and the women had taken a bus to Geelong, so I hopped along ....then went and spent some quality time shopping and enjoying Sumo Salad! I wish they had a branch here. Richard and I really reconnected on the weekend away and I'm glad that I didn't let my fear stand in the way of going. Here is a pic:
Then, the weekend after that I headed off to sunny Canberra and had a lovely short visit with Laura and Luke, catching up with Megan, Deb and others, and the lovely Margs. Stocked up on some books at Canty's (wish I could go there every weekend) and went to the Fyshwick markets...has to be done. Lots of remeniscing and "oh yeah, remember the time that I got drunk on that corner".......but also "remember how sad and lonely I felt".....and then "wow, I'm a really different person to the one who left here 5 years ago. I mean, really really different. Less afraid and more patient and stuff". (on a good day anyway)
I came home on an absolute high. And you know what they say about highs...what goes up, must come down. And down I came, spectacularly, just in time for Easter at my parents!!
Had an ok weekend, was great to see family, Richard's brother Tim has got engaged to a lovely girl called Squish..it's awesome. Tim is great and Squish is wonderful, it's so awesome when you see two people so in larve preparing for their lifetime together. Ahhhh. Sister Jen and hubby Ben threw a party for Elijah's first birthday party and I got to see a lot of peeps I hadn't seen for a while. Also caught up with Katy and Roree and Sara and Allison, which was great for me and for Alex. Had some quality talks with mum, she is such a soldier. Always thinking of someone else and always there for me. I had a moment last night when I realised that I must have caused her to shed some tears over the years. I thought of Alex doing some of the things I'd done and reduced myself to tears!
Spose that's the point though - it's not all good or all bad, it's somewhere in between. Just because I get tired or make a mistake doesn't mean that I've failed. So, since then I've been deciding to do what I am passionate about and get involved with others. For me, depression lies in staying home all the time and only thinking about myself.
So....I have redoubled my efforts in finding a job, have applied for 3 with scary long selection criterias....and kept in regular touch with temping agencies.....with an excellent result! Had a phone call today and I'm going to do two days of temping with an accounting firm here in shep, taking the minutes and typing them up for one of their meetings. Oooher! I was excited but felt a sense of "holy crap, can I do this?"......The one thing that my recovery has taught me is to be humble and gracious (as I said, not all the time), and whereas before I would have walked in the door thinking I was hot sh*t and they were lucky to have me deigning to work with them.....now I'm a little less full o myself. I'm sure it will be fine though...I have done minute taking and writing before and I haven't ever had any complaints. None that I listened to, anyway, hehe.
I have also dropped out of uni.....for the third time in my life. hehe. There's a funny story to do with uni. Whenever I find myself unsure about what to do in life, I always think "I'm gonna study!".....and I always, always, always wish that I was working instead of studying. I hate it. I just don't get it and I don't want to do it. I started with this study skills unit and it was really hard and we had to summarise a text on really dense, heavy subjects. It brought back sitting in a lecture hall at ANU in 1994, panicking, and thinking "I DON'T WANNA DO THIS!!!".......I may be a thinker, but I'm not academic or analytic enough for uni....perhaps not disciplined enough either. Plus, you have to do so much of it by yourself - I much prefer being around people and talking and all that jazz.....ruminating at home by myself isn't much fun for me. I wanna get out there and live, live people!!! hehe. So I feel at peace with it and have told myself to remember this feeling the next time I think "I want to study"...recognise if I am really interested in what I'm thinking of studying, or am I just using it as a plug for a hole elsewhere in my life?
I have had two mega-awesome outings with Alex. On Sunday, my friends Kellie and Glen organised a boat cruise along the Murray river at Echuca. It lasted 2 hours and I was a little worried about how Alex would cope (Richard was racing at Wilby Park so couldn't mind him), and though he cried a little, he was mostly really happy and I felt that we both managed it well.
Just to test my endurance, Alex and I also travelled to Melbourne today, drove to Seymour and caught the train to Melbourne (for the grand price of $10.20 return), met up with the lovely Laura and her lovely sis Katherine......bought some shoes, ate some food.......it was great. Managed Alex's moods well, even managed to hold a conversation with Laurs while Alex was leaping all over me in one of his hyper modes. Not sure what Laurs thought of it all..... She is looking lovely, they say pregnant ladies bloom, but this hot mama takes the cake. I'm so excited for her and Luke. I hope their baby has ginger ringlets. I love ginger hair on kiddies.
Today also will go down in history as "the day I stopped eating icecream when I was full, even though it wasn't all finished". Yes, historians will talk about this day for years to come, and students may even write essays on it. Ha!! Feels like my relationship with food is getting better and I'm realising that overeating is symptom of unhappiness and eating til over-ful a bad habit. I also want to model good food habits for Alex. Read a great book by AJ Rochester and she has a whole chapter on the impact of your weight battle on the kiddies. It has really hit me how often I take the easy option and compromise Alex's health. Really want to kick a goal in this area, don't want my boy to struggle with his weight the way his mummy does.
So....for now, that is all. I hope to update you a little sooner than my last post. Hope you are all well, I feel tired but very blessed and very happy.
Well, I went to Portarlington with Richard and his work in late March, that was fun...I was stressing heaps about it because it was going to be a bit of a boozy weekend away..... Went to a few meetings beforehand and went away armed with a lot of numbers and the meetings list. Actually managed to attend one whilst I was away, most of the boys were go-carting and the women had taken a bus to Geelong, so I hopped along ....then went and spent some quality time shopping and enjoying Sumo Salad! I wish they had a branch here. Richard and I really reconnected on the weekend away and I'm glad that I didn't let my fear stand in the way of going. Here is a pic:
Then, the weekend after that I headed off to sunny Canberra and had a lovely short visit with Laura and Luke, catching up with Megan, Deb and others, and the lovely Margs. Stocked up on some books at Canty's (wish I could go there every weekend) and went to the Fyshwick markets...has to be done. Lots of remeniscing and "oh yeah, remember the time that I got drunk on that corner".......but also "remember how sad and lonely I felt".....and then "wow, I'm a really different person to the one who left here 5 years ago. I mean, really really different. Less afraid and more patient and stuff". (on a good day anyway)
I came home on an absolute high. And you know what they say about highs...what goes up, must come down. And down I came, spectacularly, just in time for Easter at my parents!!
Had an ok weekend, was great to see family, Richard's brother Tim has got engaged to a lovely girl called Squish..it's awesome. Tim is great and Squish is wonderful, it's so awesome when you see two people so in larve preparing for their lifetime together. Ahhhh. Sister Jen and hubby Ben threw a party for Elijah's first birthday party and I got to see a lot of peeps I hadn't seen for a while. Also caught up with Katy and Roree and Sara and Allison, which was great for me and for Alex. Had some quality talks with mum, she is such a soldier. Always thinking of someone else and always there for me. I had a moment last night when I realised that I must have caused her to shed some tears over the years. I thought of Alex doing some of the things I'd done and reduced myself to tears!
We had a busy schedule of social events and I ended up having a big fight with *someone* and spending a lot of time crying. Oh well, says she, proof positive that I haven't changed that much....and can still go back to that scared little person if I let my guard down or get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. A shame, cause I was thinking I was superman before that!
Spose that's the point though - it's not all good or all bad, it's somewhere in between. Just because I get tired or make a mistake doesn't mean that I've failed. So, since then I've been deciding to do what I am passionate about and get involved with others. For me, depression lies in staying home all the time and only thinking about myself.
So....I have redoubled my efforts in finding a job, have applied for 3 with scary long selection criterias....and kept in regular touch with temping agencies.....with an excellent result! Had a phone call today and I'm going to do two days of temping with an accounting firm here in shep, taking the minutes and typing them up for one of their meetings. Oooher! I was excited but felt a sense of "holy crap, can I do this?"......The one thing that my recovery has taught me is to be humble and gracious (as I said, not all the time), and whereas before I would have walked in the door thinking I was hot sh*t and they were lucky to have me deigning to work with them.....now I'm a little less full o myself. I'm sure it will be fine though...I have done minute taking and writing before and I haven't ever had any complaints. None that I listened to, anyway, hehe.
I have also dropped out of uni.....for the third time in my life. hehe. There's a funny story to do with uni. Whenever I find myself unsure about what to do in life, I always think "I'm gonna study!".....and I always, always, always wish that I was working instead of studying. I hate it. I just don't get it and I don't want to do it. I started with this study skills unit and it was really hard and we had to summarise a text on really dense, heavy subjects. It brought back sitting in a lecture hall at ANU in 1994, panicking, and thinking "I DON'T WANNA DO THIS!!!".......I may be a thinker, but I'm not academic or analytic enough for uni....perhaps not disciplined enough either. Plus, you have to do so much of it by yourself - I much prefer being around people and talking and all that jazz.....ruminating at home by myself isn't much fun for me. I wanna get out there and live, live people!!! hehe. So I feel at peace with it and have told myself to remember this feeling the next time I think "I want to study"...recognise if I am really interested in what I'm thinking of studying, or am I just using it as a plug for a hole elsewhere in my life?
I have had two mega-awesome outings with Alex. On Sunday, my friends Kellie and Glen organised a boat cruise along the Murray river at Echuca. It lasted 2 hours and I was a little worried about how Alex would cope (Richard was racing at Wilby Park so couldn't mind him), and though he cried a little, he was mostly really happy and I felt that we both managed it well.
Just to test my endurance, Alex and I also travelled to Melbourne today, drove to Seymour and caught the train to Melbourne (for the grand price of $10.20 return), met up with the lovely Laura and her lovely sis Katherine......bought some shoes, ate some food.......it was great. Managed Alex's moods well, even managed to hold a conversation with Laurs while Alex was leaping all over me in one of his hyper modes. Not sure what Laurs thought of it all..... She is looking lovely, they say pregnant ladies bloom, but this hot mama takes the cake. I'm so excited for her and Luke. I hope their baby has ginger ringlets. I love ginger hair on kiddies.
Today also will go down in history as "the day I stopped eating icecream when I was full, even though it wasn't all finished". Yes, historians will talk about this day for years to come, and students may even write essays on it. Ha!! Feels like my relationship with food is getting better and I'm realising that overeating is symptom of unhappiness and eating til over-ful a bad habit. I also want to model good food habits for Alex. Read a great book by AJ Rochester and she has a whole chapter on the impact of your weight battle on the kiddies. It has really hit me how often I take the easy option and compromise Alex's health. Really want to kick a goal in this area, don't want my boy to struggle with his weight the way his mummy does.
So....for now, that is all. I hope to update you a little sooner than my last post. Hope you are all well, I feel tired but very blessed and very happy.
Monday, March 9, 2009
People...who need people.....are the luckiest peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeople..
I'm having a Barbara Streisland moment....
This past week and a bit, I have:
-enrolled in a Bachelor of Communication at the Open Uni and started my first 800 word essay
- had a 3 person panel job interview for a job I really really wanted
- reprised my role as "Vera" in the STAG Production of "Brassed Off"
- attended a number of 12 step meetings
- felt blessed
- enjoyed the company of friends and my lovely husband and gorgeous boy Alex
- had a yucky throat infection
- discovered that due to a misunderstanding with Centrelink, apparently I've been overpaid and owe them money. Grr!
- obsessed over Robyn's "With Every Heartbeat", after seeing her perform live on BBC1's live concert on ABC2...and also realising that this song is part of Body Jam 39...
Ok, enough with the dot points (or dash points, I should say). Man, I am really realising how much more confidence I have in myself...it is a fantastic thing. I am love love loving living in Shepparton, even though I miss my extended family.....I feel like I'm slowly making my own family here.
I went for a job interview and while I was there, my friend Marianne looked after Alex...I went in there and thought that even though they may not give me the position, that I want to be honest about what has happened in my life over the past little while, and talked about my Post Natal Depression and how I feel that it's given me empathy towards those who are suffering, and my battle with alcohol and how that has given me the ability to understand people who struggle.
I came back to the ladies bible study that Marianne hosts on Thursday, picked up my little boy, went and sat at the table and when it was prayer time, I said to them that I was so filled with JOY! I was so overjoyed that I was able to attend an interview and do my best, whatever the outcome. I just really felt that I had left my future in God's hands.
That doesn't mean that I didn't take it out of his hands the next day, stressing about what I was going to do, worrying about the new crappy forms that centrelink wants us to fill in fortnightly......etc etc. But I'm happy to say that at this stage of the week, I feel like the ball's back in his court again. Phew! It feels good to leave it there....to know that he is in control, not me. So many fantastic things have happened this year that I couldn't have imagined and I just have to trust him and hang on!!
Lots of love to you all, especially my new Brassed Off family. Love love love!!
This past week and a bit, I have:
-enrolled in a Bachelor of Communication at the Open Uni and started my first 800 word essay
- had a 3 person panel job interview for a job I really really wanted
- reprised my role as "Vera" in the STAG Production of "Brassed Off"
- attended a number of 12 step meetings
- felt blessed
- enjoyed the company of friends and my lovely husband and gorgeous boy Alex
- had a yucky throat infection
- discovered that due to a misunderstanding with Centrelink, apparently I've been overpaid and owe them money. Grr!
- obsessed over Robyn's "With Every Heartbeat", after seeing her perform live on BBC1's live concert on ABC2...and also realising that this song is part of Body Jam 39...
Ok, enough with the dot points (or dash points, I should say). Man, I am really realising how much more confidence I have in myself...it is a fantastic thing. I am love love loving living in Shepparton, even though I miss my extended family.....I feel like I'm slowly making my own family here.
I went for a job interview and while I was there, my friend Marianne looked after Alex...I went in there and thought that even though they may not give me the position, that I want to be honest about what has happened in my life over the past little while, and talked about my Post Natal Depression and how I feel that it's given me empathy towards those who are suffering, and my battle with alcohol and how that has given me the ability to understand people who struggle.
I came back to the ladies bible study that Marianne hosts on Thursday, picked up my little boy, went and sat at the table and when it was prayer time, I said to them that I was so filled with JOY! I was so overjoyed that I was able to attend an interview and do my best, whatever the outcome. I just really felt that I had left my future in God's hands.
That doesn't mean that I didn't take it out of his hands the next day, stressing about what I was going to do, worrying about the new crappy forms that centrelink wants us to fill in fortnightly......etc etc. But I'm happy to say that at this stage of the week, I feel like the ball's back in his court again. Phew! It feels good to leave it there....to know that he is in control, not me. So many fantastic things have happened this year that I couldn't have imagined and I just have to trust him and hang on!!
Lots of love to you all, especially my new Brassed Off family. Love love love!!
Friday, February 27, 2009
So, so cranky.....make it stop!
Hi all,
So I'm working really hard on my recovery from depression, trying to get the housework done, help people out and do the things I need to do......I am trying to eat well, get exercise and look after my gorgeous son.
But this week has been a never ending cascade of crankery from me. Maybe I've been trying too hard? I have had savage pms and been very annoyed with people who request things from me.....I have rung up people to request things and been annoyed when they don't listen.....I have offered people lifts and then got annoyed when they commented on the state of my car (Clean for once!!)......I have totally lost it with Alex's tantrums.
My way of dealing with it has been to write about it, talk to friends about it and to go to 12 step meetings. But somehow, underneath each layer of crank, is more crank. I mean, I now feel as if all I want to do is go to bed and lie there until the cranky goes away.
This morning I was taking Alex to music classes, I had rung up on Wednesday to check when they were on and the guy wasn't listening to my question.......I got a bit cranky and today when I went in apologised. Anyhoo...turns out that because he hadn't listened to me, he'd given me the wrong information and the classes didn't start for another two weeks. I was really trying not to lose my temper, when Alex grabbed a bubble blower from a "Book of the Week" dispenser thingy (you know those book sale things they sometimes have in offices?)...and he absolutely lost it when I tried to explain to him calmly that he couldnt' have it and to put it back. I tried to tell him about the music classes and distract him, but he just threw himself to the ground and tantrumed all the more.
I was getting so over the situation and even though the lady said we could sit in on the large class this week, the thought of looking after my cranky boy who is so clingy and shy at the moment that he clings to my leg and almost makes me fall over, won't co-operate or do anything I want him to, even with coaxing and cajoling.......I can't carry the nappy bag properly because he wants to be carried everywhere, he cries and carries on if I try to make him walk....it drives me insane. So I ended up saying "I'm sorry, he's just had a tantrum and I don't believe that should be rewarded", getting in the car and driving home.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr so over this mothering thing today. Give me five seconds where I can just do what I want! Which is, nothing! I need a holiday!
So I'm working really hard on my recovery from depression, trying to get the housework done, help people out and do the things I need to do......I am trying to eat well, get exercise and look after my gorgeous son.
But this week has been a never ending cascade of crankery from me. Maybe I've been trying too hard? I have had savage pms and been very annoyed with people who request things from me.....I have rung up people to request things and been annoyed when they don't listen.....I have offered people lifts and then got annoyed when they commented on the state of my car (Clean for once!!)......I have totally lost it with Alex's tantrums.
My way of dealing with it has been to write about it, talk to friends about it and to go to 12 step meetings. But somehow, underneath each layer of crank, is more crank. I mean, I now feel as if all I want to do is go to bed and lie there until the cranky goes away.
This morning I was taking Alex to music classes, I had rung up on Wednesday to check when they were on and the guy wasn't listening to my question.......I got a bit cranky and today when I went in apologised. Anyhoo...turns out that because he hadn't listened to me, he'd given me the wrong information and the classes didn't start for another two weeks. I was really trying not to lose my temper, when Alex grabbed a bubble blower from a "Book of the Week" dispenser thingy (you know those book sale things they sometimes have in offices?)...and he absolutely lost it when I tried to explain to him calmly that he couldnt' have it and to put it back. I tried to tell him about the music classes and distract him, but he just threw himself to the ground and tantrumed all the more.
I was getting so over the situation and even though the lady said we could sit in on the large class this week, the thought of looking after my cranky boy who is so clingy and shy at the moment that he clings to my leg and almost makes me fall over, won't co-operate or do anything I want him to, even with coaxing and cajoling.......I can't carry the nappy bag properly because he wants to be carried everywhere, he cries and carries on if I try to make him walk....it drives me insane. So I ended up saying "I'm sorry, he's just had a tantrum and I don't believe that should be rewarded", getting in the car and driving home.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr so over this mothering thing today. Give me five seconds where I can just do what I want! Which is, nothing! I need a holiday!
Monday, February 16, 2009
Weird
Hey yaaaaaaaaaaa....
I've had a bad food week this week, so decided to go see Toenail ferguson this morning and weigh in, get the bad news and get back on track. Only...there wasn't any! I had lost another 1.2kg....taking my weight loss to 4.9kg in 4 weeks, woooooooooooo! So I'm confused, this week I was a little naughty, I lost weight. Last week I was well behaved and stayed the same. Care to let me in on the deal, body? Hmmmm....anyway...so I must behave well this week or otherwise I shall definitely reap the rewards of my sloth.
I'm in a good place today......feeling good and getting lots done. Right now, though, I'm going to go have a rest for at least 2 hours. Dinner is made and I am tired.
Peace out, homies! :)
I've had a bad food week this week, so decided to go see Toenail ferguson this morning and weigh in, get the bad news and get back on track. Only...there wasn't any! I had lost another 1.2kg....taking my weight loss to 4.9kg in 4 weeks, woooooooooooo! So I'm confused, this week I was a little naughty, I lost weight. Last week I was well behaved and stayed the same. Care to let me in on the deal, body? Hmmmm....anyway...so I must behave well this week or otherwise I shall definitely reap the rewards of my sloth.
I'm in a good place today......feeling good and getting lots done. Right now, though, I'm going to go have a rest for at least 2 hours. Dinner is made and I am tired.
Peace out, homies! :)
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Bogged blog
Hi all,
Well I have been doing Tony Ferguson for just over three weeks and I've lost 3.7 kilos so far. I started doing the Progress version, instead of the really hardcore version, cause I needed more carbs for energy, running after a 2 year old and being in the play.
Week 2, I thought I would have to go off it so just watched what I ate, and still lost a kilo. This week just gone, I was very disciplined and packed nutritious salads and stirfries for my dinners whilst at rehearsal and doing the show - http://www.stagtheatre.com/shows/2009_brassedoff.html
Also, while doing the show, it was in the high thirties or low forties each day, the aircon wasn't quite working, we were under stage lights, and wearing jackets and winter clothing. I thought, for sure I'm going to lose weight this week. My weigh in was yesterday and not a sausage. Nil, zip, nada. I was very discouraged and dealt with it by eating a mini quiche and a donut. I also went to Body Jam, but I don't think they quite cancel each other out.
Today I awoke with the best of intentions, had my shake and veges for breakfast, then went to bible study. I'm allowed a large freddo frog 4 times a week to nip cravings in the bud, so helped myself to a chocolate chip muffin (small). It was so small that I thought I should probably have another one to make up to a whole large freddo. The third one slipped down without a thought. I then had a slice of bread with some mince at Marianne's, some salad, two more mini quiches when I came home, a pita pizza for dinner and a small fruit bun.
I am now groaning with carbs and feel quite ill. Similar to what happens when an alcoholic drinks, I can't be trusted with refined carbs.....one is two many and a hundred isn't enough. Although I do feel like my "binge" wasn't as bad as it could have been. And I walked about 30mins to Marianne's......somehow I don't think they cancel each other out. I did run around in the garden for about 15 mins with Alex to try to digest my food. BLugh, not a good idea, although fun. He has the cutest little dimple and reminds me so much of my gorgeous hubby sometimes.
Tomorrow sees me take Alex to music class and have a coffee with my lovely friend Chris. I'm also going to brave a night home by myself, as Richard is off on a boy's weekend with his work. They're camping in the great outdoors and doing some waterskiing and other boy stuff that really doesn't concern me. Hehe.
So, tomorrow will see me adhering strictly (although not too strictly) to Tony F. I can keep losing weight if 5/7 days are good 'uns!
I am so bloated now. ugh!!
Well I have been doing Tony Ferguson for just over three weeks and I've lost 3.7 kilos so far. I started doing the Progress version, instead of the really hardcore version, cause I needed more carbs for energy, running after a 2 year old and being in the play.
Week 2, I thought I would have to go off it so just watched what I ate, and still lost a kilo. This week just gone, I was very disciplined and packed nutritious salads and stirfries for my dinners whilst at rehearsal and doing the show - http://www.stagtheatre.com/shows/2009_brassedoff.html
Also, while doing the show, it was in the high thirties or low forties each day, the aircon wasn't quite working, we were under stage lights, and wearing jackets and winter clothing. I thought, for sure I'm going to lose weight this week. My weigh in was yesterday and not a sausage. Nil, zip, nada. I was very discouraged and dealt with it by eating a mini quiche and a donut. I also went to Body Jam, but I don't think they quite cancel each other out.
Today I awoke with the best of intentions, had my shake and veges for breakfast, then went to bible study. I'm allowed a large freddo frog 4 times a week to nip cravings in the bud, so helped myself to a chocolate chip muffin (small). It was so small that I thought I should probably have another one to make up to a whole large freddo. The third one slipped down without a thought. I then had a slice of bread with some mince at Marianne's, some salad, two more mini quiches when I came home, a pita pizza for dinner and a small fruit bun.
I am now groaning with carbs and feel quite ill. Similar to what happens when an alcoholic drinks, I can't be trusted with refined carbs.....one is two many and a hundred isn't enough. Although I do feel like my "binge" wasn't as bad as it could have been. And I walked about 30mins to Marianne's......somehow I don't think they cancel each other out. I did run around in the garden for about 15 mins with Alex to try to digest my food. BLugh, not a good idea, although fun. He has the cutest little dimple and reminds me so much of my gorgeous hubby sometimes.
Tomorrow sees me take Alex to music class and have a coffee with my lovely friend Chris. I'm also going to brave a night home by myself, as Richard is off on a boy's weekend with his work. They're camping in the great outdoors and doing some waterskiing and other boy stuff that really doesn't concern me. Hehe.
So, tomorrow will see me adhering strictly (although not too strictly) to Tony F. I can keep losing weight if 5/7 days are good 'uns!
I am so bloated now. ugh!!
Sunday, February 8, 2009
At the end
I've had a wonderful, wonderful week. This time a week ago, the cast and crew of "Brassed Off" were moving the set to the Westside Performing Arts centre. I was getting a little nervous, starting to think about how it was going to go. Now it's all behind me and I feel contemplative, not sad, as I thought I might.
There have been some fantastic developments through the course of this show. My friend Kellie suggested that I try out for it, and I wasn't sure, as I wanted to drop some of the weight that I'd gained since having bad Post Natal Depression. I felt fat, daggy and uninteresting. I auditioned, but certainly didn't think that I'd get a part. When I got a part, I felt like I was dragging the cast down. The past few months has been a journey of self discovery and general discovery!
I've been grappling with my recovery from severe depression and went through so much doubt about my abilities as an actress and my basic abilities as a person! When my grandma died on the 5th of January, I felt like I had taken a step back, so much sadness came back and I found it really overwhelming. I was afraid that I couldn't pull it together, that I would let the rest of the cast down and be a disappointment.
Things finally came to a head two weeks before the play went on, one Tuesday rehearsal. I was really struggling with my character and my relationship with my stage husband. I was struggling to find a connection and to feel comfortable being intimate with someone who wasn't Richard. I wanted my character, Vera, to be authentic and genuine, but had a lot of my own "stuff" getting in the way. I waited to ask Donna, the director, about where I was going wrong with Vera. What followed was a wonderful, intimate chat that gave me some direction on Vera and affirmed that I could do this, that I was capable. I hope Donna realises how pivotal this conversation was in helping me to move forward.
I wrote down some of the characteristics that we identified:
- integrity
- solid, grounded
- clear
- has opposites and inconsistencies but these are valid to her character / shades of grey
Every time I stepped on stage as Vera, I thought "Strong" and was able to step up. I am so proud of myself. I feel like even though Vera was a character who I pretended to be, that she rubbed off on me. I feel like having the courage to be her has made me realise that I can be strong myself. It sounds wanky but I believe the character came along for a reason. I also feel like the trouble I was having with relating to my stage husband is all part of the journey I am on with myself, with my recovery. For many years I used alcohol to relate to men, as from an early age I can remember being terrified of them. I'm a very very shy person naturally, but with a bawdy sense of humour and sometimes, a quick comeback. These two are polar opposites, but valid to my character. They can both exist in me and I can be true to myself.
The progress I made, the friendship bonds I've formed with others in the play were all done completely without alcohol, and that's a big step for me. Sometimes during the play, I would feel completely void of emotion, and I would worry about that......but I eventually realised that I have to stop expecting to feel a certain way. Health and happiness lies in accepting my emotions at that point, being in the moment and not thinking "I should be feeling this or that". A lot of my life feels new and different to me, because I haven't done certain things before without alcohol. I am so proud of myself. I feel like I am really becoming who I'm meant to be.
I can remember doing plays in the drinking years and loving being lost in a character, and the stress and confusion that happened for me when I had to let the character go...the dissolution of the stage family and how I didn't feel happy by myself afterwards. Constantly striving to be with people, to be accepted and approved of. I know that after a play I can tend to be a bit of an approval junkie, where too much approval isn't enough. I really struggled with the last play I did in Finley, I wanted people to keep telling me that I was ok, what I did was acceptable and valid.
This time around, it really hit me. I wondered why the things that people said about my performance didn't make me feel any different....and it hit me like a bolt of lightning, the truth that I've heard so often in my life. Nothing I do makes me feel any more acceptable until I accept myself. If I don't approve of me, others' approval won't plug up a hole in my psyche. I have to be whole by myself, for myself. Others cannot complete me. My relationships can't be healthy if I rely on others to finish me. I have to be whole and valid on my own. And I think I'm really getting there.
There are a couple of people from the play who I am sure I will catch up with after. I like the idea of having platonic male friends, and would like to make that a goal for 2009. I am excited about what this year is going to bring. I am going to go walking with my friend Marianne and get fit....I am going to study at least one subject this year....I am going to have coffees with new friends.......I am going to attend more 12 step meetings......I am going to help other people.....I am going to do things that nourish me and use my talents in projects that I enjoy...I am going to value my family and my husband and son and spend quality time with them.
I am several worlds away from the scared and unhappy person I was 6 years ago. Imagine what's ahead in the next 6 years! Love you all.
There have been some fantastic developments through the course of this show. My friend Kellie suggested that I try out for it, and I wasn't sure, as I wanted to drop some of the weight that I'd gained since having bad Post Natal Depression. I felt fat, daggy and uninteresting. I auditioned, but certainly didn't think that I'd get a part. When I got a part, I felt like I was dragging the cast down. The past few months has been a journey of self discovery and general discovery!
I've been grappling with my recovery from severe depression and went through so much doubt about my abilities as an actress and my basic abilities as a person! When my grandma died on the 5th of January, I felt like I had taken a step back, so much sadness came back and I found it really overwhelming. I was afraid that I couldn't pull it together, that I would let the rest of the cast down and be a disappointment.
Things finally came to a head two weeks before the play went on, one Tuesday rehearsal. I was really struggling with my character and my relationship with my stage husband. I was struggling to find a connection and to feel comfortable being intimate with someone who wasn't Richard. I wanted my character, Vera, to be authentic and genuine, but had a lot of my own "stuff" getting in the way. I waited to ask Donna, the director, about where I was going wrong with Vera. What followed was a wonderful, intimate chat that gave me some direction on Vera and affirmed that I could do this, that I was capable. I hope Donna realises how pivotal this conversation was in helping me to move forward.
I wrote down some of the characteristics that we identified:
- integrity
- solid, grounded
- clear
- has opposites and inconsistencies but these are valid to her character / shades of grey
Every time I stepped on stage as Vera, I thought "Strong" and was able to step up. I am so proud of myself. I feel like even though Vera was a character who I pretended to be, that she rubbed off on me. I feel like having the courage to be her has made me realise that I can be strong myself. It sounds wanky but I believe the character came along for a reason. I also feel like the trouble I was having with relating to my stage husband is all part of the journey I am on with myself, with my recovery. For many years I used alcohol to relate to men, as from an early age I can remember being terrified of them. I'm a very very shy person naturally, but with a bawdy sense of humour and sometimes, a quick comeback. These two are polar opposites, but valid to my character. They can both exist in me and I can be true to myself.
The progress I made, the friendship bonds I've formed with others in the play were all done completely without alcohol, and that's a big step for me. Sometimes during the play, I would feel completely void of emotion, and I would worry about that......but I eventually realised that I have to stop expecting to feel a certain way. Health and happiness lies in accepting my emotions at that point, being in the moment and not thinking "I should be feeling this or that". A lot of my life feels new and different to me, because I haven't done certain things before without alcohol. I am so proud of myself. I feel like I am really becoming who I'm meant to be.
I can remember doing plays in the drinking years and loving being lost in a character, and the stress and confusion that happened for me when I had to let the character go...the dissolution of the stage family and how I didn't feel happy by myself afterwards. Constantly striving to be with people, to be accepted and approved of. I know that after a play I can tend to be a bit of an approval junkie, where too much approval isn't enough. I really struggled with the last play I did in Finley, I wanted people to keep telling me that I was ok, what I did was acceptable and valid.
This time around, it really hit me. I wondered why the things that people said about my performance didn't make me feel any different....and it hit me like a bolt of lightning, the truth that I've heard so often in my life. Nothing I do makes me feel any more acceptable until I accept myself. If I don't approve of me, others' approval won't plug up a hole in my psyche. I have to be whole by myself, for myself. Others cannot complete me. My relationships can't be healthy if I rely on others to finish me. I have to be whole and valid on my own. And I think I'm really getting there.
There are a couple of people from the play who I am sure I will catch up with after. I like the idea of having platonic male friends, and would like to make that a goal for 2009. I am excited about what this year is going to bring. I am going to go walking with my friend Marianne and get fit....I am going to study at least one subject this year....I am going to have coffees with new friends.......I am going to attend more 12 step meetings......I am going to help other people.....I am going to do things that nourish me and use my talents in projects that I enjoy...I am going to value my family and my husband and son and spend quality time with them.
I am several worlds away from the scared and unhappy person I was 6 years ago. Imagine what's ahead in the next 6 years! Love you all.
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