I AM SO ANNOYED AT MY STUPID BODY

Hello, good afternoon and welcome to my nightmare.

I have had post natal depression for 17 months now. I have been on lots of different medications to try and normalise me. The one that I've been on for about eight months is a combination of lithium and nortriptoline, which is an old fashioned tryciclic antidepressant. Lithium is a mood stabliser.

Now I have never been a small girl, standing at just under six foot tall, I usually weigh about 90-100 kilos, depending on how I am going. When I fell pregnant with Alex, I weighed 93kgs, and I got to about 116 with him on board. I was back down to 101 a couple of weeks after I'd had him. I then lost heaps of weight and went down to about 90 because I couldn't eat due to mass anxiety.

I was about 100 kilos before I went home from hospital in June last year, and have been trying to get that weight off ever since I've been home. Nothing has worked. My weight has been steadily climbing, from 103 to 105 to my all time high of 107 just recently. I am so upset and I feel like I hate my body at times. The effort that I had to put in to lose weight when I wasn't on this medication is needed at all times for me not to put on weight. The moment i have a sugar fix or eat unhealthily, I see it on the scales. I hate it so much. I feel disgusting.

We are off to Brisbane in two weeks time and I DO NOT FEEL GOOD ABOUT SEEING OLD FRIENDS WHEN I LOOK LIKE THIS. I feel like a fat pig. I feel like a failure. I feel like a waste of space. I don't feel attractive, I don't feel like I matter. So guess what that makes me feel like doing? Eating lots. Which is great, self defeating and all the rest. I know I need to stick to a sensible diet but it is so frigging hard! I just feel like, "what's the sodding point of it all as I'm only going to put on more weight?!?" gaaaaaaaaaaah.

Hello to Sara! thanks for reading my blog :)