Well, I went to Portarlington with Richard and his work in late March, that was fun...I was stressing heaps about it because it was going to be a bit of a boozy weekend away..... Went to a few meetings beforehand and went away armed with a lot of numbers and the meetings list. Actually managed to attend one whilst I was away, most of the boys were go-carting and the women had taken a bus to Geelong, so I hopped along ....then went and spent some quality time shopping and enjoying Sumo Salad! I wish they had a branch here. Richard and I really reconnected on the weekend away and I'm glad that I didn't let my fear stand in the way of going. Here is a pic:
Then, the weekend after that I headed off to sunny Canberra and had a lovely short visit with Laura and Luke, catching up with Megan, Deb and others, and the lovely Margs. Stocked up on some books at Canty's (wish I could go there every weekend) and went to the Fyshwick markets...has to be done. Lots of remeniscing and "oh yeah, remember the time that I got drunk on that corner".......but also "remember how sad and lonely I felt".....and then "wow, I'm a really different person to the one who left here 5 years ago. I mean, really really different. Less afraid and more patient and stuff". (on a good day anyway)
I came home on an absolute high. And you know what they say about highs...what goes up, must come down. And down I came, spectacularly, just in time for Easter at my parents!!
Had an ok weekend, was great to see family, Richard's brother Tim has got engaged to a lovely girl called Squish..it's awesome. Tim is great and Squish is wonderful, it's so awesome when you see two people so in larve preparing for their lifetime together. Ahhhh. Sister Jen and hubby Ben threw a party for Elijah's first birthday party and I got to see a lot of peeps I hadn't seen for a while. Also caught up with Katy and Roree and Sara and Allison, which was great for me and for Alex. Had some quality talks with mum, she is such a soldier. Always thinking of someone else and always there for me. I had a moment last night when I realised that I must have caused her to shed some tears over the years. I thought of Alex doing some of the things I'd done and reduced myself to tears!
We had a busy schedule of social events and I ended up having a big fight with *someone* and spending a lot of time crying. Oh well, says she, proof positive that I haven't changed that much....and can still go back to that scared little person if I let my guard down or get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. A shame, cause I was thinking I was superman before that!
Spose that's the point though - it's not all good or all bad, it's somewhere in between. Just because I get tired or make a mistake doesn't mean that I've failed. So, since then I've been deciding to do what I am passionate about and get involved with others. For me, depression lies in staying home all the time and only thinking about myself.
So....I have redoubled my efforts in finding a job, have applied for 3 with scary long selection criterias....and kept in regular touch with temping agencies.....with an excellent result! Had a phone call today and I'm going to do two days of temping with an accounting firm here in shep, taking the minutes and typing them up for one of their meetings. Oooher! I was excited but felt a sense of "holy crap, can I do this?"......The one thing that my recovery has taught me is to be humble and gracious (as I said, not all the time), and whereas before I would have walked in the door thinking I was hot sh*t and they were lucky to have me deigning to work with them.....now I'm a little less full o myself. I'm sure it will be fine though...I have done minute taking and writing before and I haven't ever had any complaints. None that I listened to, anyway, hehe.
I have also dropped out of uni.....for the third time in my life. hehe. There's a funny story to do with uni. Whenever I find myself unsure about what to do in life, I always think "I'm gonna study!".....and I always, always, always wish that I was working instead of studying. I hate it. I just don't get it and I don't want to do it. I started with this study skills unit and it was really hard and we had to summarise a text on really dense, heavy subjects. It brought back sitting in a lecture hall at ANU in 1994, panicking, and thinking "I DON'T WANNA DO THIS!!!".......I may be a thinker, but I'm not academic or analytic enough for uni....perhaps not disciplined enough either. Plus, you have to do so much of it by yourself - I much prefer being around people and talking and all that jazz.....ruminating at home by myself isn't much fun for me. I wanna get out there and live, live people!!! hehe. So I feel at peace with it and have told myself to remember this feeling the next time I think "I want to study"...recognise if I am really interested in what I'm thinking of studying, or am I just using it as a plug for a hole elsewhere in my life?
I have had two mega-awesome outings with Alex. On Sunday, my friends Kellie and Glen organised a boat cruise along the Murray river at Echuca. It lasted 2 hours and I was a little worried about how Alex would cope (Richard was racing at Wilby Park so couldn't mind him), and though he cried a little, he was mostly really happy and I felt that we both managed it well.
Just to test my endurance, Alex and I also travelled to Melbourne today, drove to Seymour and caught the train to Melbourne (for the grand price of $10.20 return), met up with the lovely Laura and her lovely sis Katherine......bought some shoes, ate some food.......it was great. Managed Alex's moods well, even managed to hold a conversation with Laurs while Alex was leaping all over me in one of his hyper modes. Not sure what Laurs thought of it all..... She is looking lovely, they say pregnant ladies bloom, but this hot mama takes the cake. I'm so excited for her and Luke. I hope their baby has ginger ringlets. I love ginger hair on kiddies.
Today also will go down in history as "the day I stopped eating icecream when I was full, even though it wasn't all finished". Yes, historians will talk about this day for years to come, and students may even write essays on it. Ha!! Feels like my relationship with food is getting better and I'm realising that overeating is symptom of unhappiness and eating til over-ful a bad habit. I also want to model good food habits for Alex. Read a great book by AJ Rochester and she has a whole chapter on the impact of your weight battle on the kiddies. It has really hit me how often I take the easy option and compromise Alex's health. Really want to kick a goal in this area, don't want my boy to struggle with his weight the way his mummy does.
So....for now, that is all. I hope to update you a little sooner than my last post. Hope you are all well, I feel tired but very blessed and very happy.