Sunday, October 2, 2011

The job of my dreams, the life of my dreams!

Morning's been a while since I posted! About 6 months, to be precise.  There are two reasons for this - number one, I tend to use Facebook as my diary(I over share constantly), and number two, I have the job of my dreams as a Weight Watchers Leader, and life has become busy!!

I never, ever, ever thought that I'd have such an amazing job, where I am able to do what I love, talk about self esteem, about positivity, about eating healthily....and I get to work with and share with the most amazing people.  I didn't think, when I was mired in misery and self hate, at a weight of 122kg, feeling like the most revolting person in the world, feeling weak, feeling trapped, feeling imprisoned in all that extra flesh....that I could ever be someone that could inspire other people.

Do you want to know what? Sometimes I feel like a bit of a fraud.  I mean, yeah, I've lost some of the weight. My life has changed, my wardrobe has changed, and I'm a lot happier.  But in some ways, I'm really scared of getting to goal weight.  I have been this weight now (about 10kg overweight) for most of my adult life, and I am terrified of getting down to the 80s because I feel like I'll be too visible.  Yes, I know I'm weird. 

When I was 11, we moved house, and I started going to Brownies, and doing Netball. I also started working on some modest breasts.  The breasts that everyone else in my year wanted, but that I would have gladly done without.  They made me visible.  They made me a target.  I was mercilessly teased by the girls on the netball team and called "Big tits", excluded from their gossip, and for someone who was already struggling with these strange protuberances, it made it all the harder to deal with.  It was the same story at Brownies. I'd practice a witty comment or even just a "Hello" (did I mention I was cripplingly shy for most of my adolescence?)...only to have it shot down in flames with a taunt of "OH YEAH, BIG TITS?".....ugh.  I guess, looking back on it now, that they were jealous of my advance into puberty - but I would have gladly retreated from it! I slept with a bra on for most of my high school years, as I was so uncomfortable with them.  They made me a freak, they made me different, they made me a target.

So, moving on into the final years of high school, I was a shy and timid gal, who'd subconsciously put on weight as a kind of camouflage for the hated bosoms.  But, unfortunately, at 180cm, I was never going to fade into the background.  Instead of "Big Tits", I became "Fatso", or "Big Red", "Ronald McDonald" or "Big Betty" (anyone remember "Hey Dad"?)

I guess I have spent most of my life trying to be what other people would like, and it's only since I lost the weight that I've regained my fashion sense, that I like wearing my hair bright red and asymmetrical, that I like wearing things that I wouldn't have worn in my "I'm living in Finley and a wife so I best wear sensible shoes" phase.  I'm almost there.  I'm so close to being happy with who I am......but I'm holding back cause I'm scared.

Well, my lovely Area Manager, Cate, has encouraged me to not settle. She's encouraged me to believe that I can lose that final 10kg and I can deal with being visible.  That I deserve to be visible.  How many of us are struggling with being visible in our lives? How many of us mask our fears and our imagined failings in life, with food and trips to the fridge? How many of us want to disappear because we think we don't matter, that we don't have a right to be visible?
I'm making a pledge right now that I'm on my way - that I'm going to try - and I'll tell you how I go.  No fear - I have my faith in a loving God to lean on and the support of my amazing WW friends, Nicky, Laura, Claire and others......This year is the year of Triumph!!  Peace and love to you all xxoo