Thursday, December 11, 2008

Toca me...

Good morning, fair readers.

I am undergoing a pretty big change at the moment...my friend Marianne and I have been waking up and going for walkies at 6am in the morning and solving the world's problems as we go! And...the days that she isn't available, I have been going by myself and walking about 4km! Yay for me. I have also been trying to eat more sensibly and gorge on carrots instead of bulk amounts of chocolate. No results on the scales as yet, but I have been feeling sooooooooo much better about myself and more motivated.

I had a bit of a crappy start to the day, Marianne and I had done our walk and I was feeling all virtuous when I went to Mcdonalds for a coffee. The lady who was serving was chat chat chatting to the guy in front of me, even when he had his food and was trying to walk away! However, I was practising patience and tolerance and waited. When he walked off, I approached the counter and said "Hi!". She just looked at me....and I felt myself get quite cross. I hate it when people in retail are rude and just not interested in serving. It is something I am trying to work on, and not take it personally when they have a 'tude......but I stood there for a couple of seconds just waiting to see if she said something, anything in return to my friendly greeting. I felt cross, and said "ummm...aren't you sposed to welcome me to McDonalds?"....she just stared at me and said "I don't think I am". I felt myself get angry and thought that I couldn't possibly treat her with the respect that she deserved, as I was getting unnecessarily angry with her, for reasons only God knows! So I just said "don't worry, forget it" and walked off.

I immediately felt annoyed with myself for taking someone else's tiredness or lack of interest in their job personally....I mean, she's working at McDonalds and is serving at a counter at 6.45am on Thursday morning....she's allowed to be a little jaded. I know I would be. I guess I am making progress cause I didn't stay there and look down my nose at her or make comments about the many layers of eyeliner around her ageing eyes (miaow). I realised that I was getting angry and just removed myself from the situation. I felt like going back and apologising but thought that would just make me feel stoopid and I think she probably would have been like "whatever, loony!".....so I sent her good vibes and thought....I need a meeting! I am glad of my blog, I thought I would come on and vent.

My psych is really pleased with me as I am making progress, not thinking that my thoughts are always the truth, examining the situation, and removing myself from it if I can't get through it without being angry/rude. I can do a very good line in condescension and nobody deserves that....not even me!! I have noticed, that people seem very pissed off at the moment, a lot of people in retail just seem to be over the whole christmas thing and annoyed with us customers for even existing! Christmas is a stressful time for a lot of people and I need to allow others to have a bad day....not just me!

I am also looking into doing a Bachelor of Media Communication at Charles Sturt Uni! It's exciting.....I have to contact Canberra Institute of Tafe and Uni of Canberra to get transcripts of my prior study, almost 10 years ago....crikey. I am so glad it's now and not 10 years ago. I was a very unhappy lady then.

Love to you all! Dee xoxo

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

She's a party girl, with a bad habit....

I am going to come right out and say that I've been loving Summer Heights High...and I've managed to get Richard hooked on it as well! Yay me. I love Ja'mie King and Mr G, they so remind me of myself sometimes, my inner monologue and how selfish I can be. They say the stuff that I think...and it's hilarious! I don't tend to think it as much anymore either, which is another yay.

I have been thinking a lot this week about who I am and my talents and what I want to do when I grow up! I have always been interested in the media, in words, and have been thinking that I'd like to do some sort of media or journalism course by correspondence at uni. I need little projects to keep myself interested when I'm at home with Alex, and I would get a job....but most of the jobs that I can get here are just the standard reception type stuff. I would really like to put myself out there and get qualified so I can do the job of my dreams. I have had a couple of goes at tertiary education and always dropped out because I've found it too challenging...but when I got into it, I really enjoyed it and felt stimulated. (ooher).

I feel sooo good about everything at the moment....I have been getting myself and the house more organised and that feels good too. I have been trying hard not to aim for too much perfection and get down on myself, just do what is right for today and what is achievable. My sister Jen has asked me to do a talk for her MOPS group for Christmas, and so I'm going to try and find a funny Christmas monologue. It's so exciting to be going back there sooooooooooo much happier and feeling more like me.

Yay! I am really looking forward to seeing my sister Angela as well, I have my fingers and toes crossed for her with job opportunities. She is just fabulous and I know that she is going to make a lucky church very happy. She's so bubbly and gorgeous and sweet.

Bring on Christmas, I say. Love to you all!!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Songs that make you...

So while I'm up and posting....many months ago I posted a list of songs to be depressed to. I also had a couple of other lists of songs, but forgot to post them! Perhaps I was only interested in being depressed then! hehe.

Without any further adieu, here are my two other lists.

Ten Songs that make me feel Happy
1.Walking on Sunshine - Katrina and the Waves
2.Unbelievable - EMF
3.Xanadu - Olivia Newton-John (or any song from the Xanadu soundrack, man I love that
movie!)
4.Kiss from a Rose - Seal
5.Crazy in Love - Beyonce & Jay Z (I listened to this song over and over around the time
Richard and I started going out)
6.Sex Bomb - Tom Jones (or any song by Tommy J, he's just so FUN!)
7.Shout - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun Soundtrack (or any song from the Soundtrack, I love this
movie a little more than Xanadu!)
8.Learn to Fly - Foo Fighters (was in the charts just before I went to the States for my best
friend Jen's wedding, I like the metaphors with flying and finding your way home)
9.Time after Time - Cyndi Lauper (our wedding song)
10.Time of My Life - Dirty Dancing soundtrack (I swore that one day I was going to fall in love
just like Baby)


Top Ten Breakup songs
1.Movin' on Up - M People
2.You Oughtta Know - Alanis Morrisette
3.You Look So Fine - Garbage (countless tears cried to this song, especially the line where she says "let's pretend, happy end....." http://www.6lyrics.com/music/garbage/lyrics/you_look_so_fine.aspx )
4.Bye Bye Bye - N'Sync
5.Boyfriend - Backstreet Boys ( Body Combat had a situp and pushup track to this song, I love it, it is soooo choice and cheesy. http://www.elyrics.net/read/b/backstreet-boys-lyrics/get-another-boyfriend-lyrics.html)
6.Break My Stride - Unique 2 (The funny bit about this song is that I only just realised that it says "I'm running and I won't touch ground"....I thought for years that it said "I'm running with a wholesome crowd". ha!)
7.Dreams - Fleetwood Mac http://www.asklyrics.com/display/Fleetwood_Mac/Dreams_Lyrics/25239.htm
8.You belong to me - JX (Such a stalkery song!!)
9.Break the Chain - Motiv-8 (When I moved to Canberra in 1996, I lived with two other girls...this song got played A LOT! http://eurokdj.free.fr/lyric/lyrics_text.php?artist=Motiv8&song=Break%20The%20Chain)
10.You were meant for me - Jewel (ugh, such a portrait of loneliness!!)

Friday, November 21, 2008

War and peace

Sometimes I look at the world that I live in and think it's so grossly unfair. Because of circumstance, my little family and I live in peace and comfort here in Shepparton. My husband has a safe, secure job that makes enough money for us to pay our bills. I have the freedom to go wherever I like and be friends with people from other races and cultures. We are all able to get free medical care and the facilities that my son plays on are clean, safe and readily available.

I guess what got me thinking was tonight Richard and I watched the movie "Iron Man", there was a bit about the atrocities that are happening in Afghanistan and surrounding areas in the name of peace....and the profiteering and warmongering that goes on to keep this violence perpetuated. It makes me so sad, because it is so easy to sit here in comfort and peace and close our ears and eyes to what is going on, to think that those people have nothing in common with you and I and to just not get involved.

But I am sitting here thinking, what separates me from a family in that area? The consequences of my birth, that is all. There may well be a 32 year old woman married to a 34 year old man, with a 2 year old son, who constantly fears for her life...she may be a widow, or the 2 year old may be an orphan. It just makes my heart bleed.....how undeserving I am of such freedom and mercy when so many people are suffering such injustices and pain. It makes me feel so helpless. I want to stop this war, I want to make the world a better place...but how do I do that?

I have so many choices and so much potential....and often times that doesn't even make me happy. I still see the glass half empty. I can still be a horrible person inside my head, even though I don't say it out loud (as much) anymore.

I was lining up to get a video and the guy who was serving was chatting with the man in front of me. Oh shut up,hurry up and serve me, I thought, as he chatted away and laughed. I mentally accused him of being fake....until I listened to what he was saying....he had been at school with one of the man's relatives and was asking after her parents. The father had died of cancer. "oh...that's terrible", said the cashier "my father passed away 11 years ago from that. Horrible stuff". And here I am accusing him of being fake! You never know the pain that is buried inside another human being....all of us are just trying to get along in life and you can just never judge a book by its cover. I felt awful after that! My anti social thoughts had this young man down as a shallow human being, when he has suffered as much as anyone has, with the death of a parent.

Pah. Sometimes I need an attitude readjustment. Specially when I do other people's thinking for them and accuse them of thinking the negative garbage that can fester in my mind. Most people aren't half as harsh as I accuse them of being. I really need to go to a meeting....it will clear my mind and I know when I tell that story, others around the table will nod and smile...having done the same thing themselves. That's the part I love about the meetings...the identification...the feeling that you're not alone in the fight to be a better person.

I guess I shouldn't totally ignore the part of God in all this.....I know that God has all the answers so I appeal to him to help me know what to do. Show me the right way and what to do to help. I can't look at Alex and how gorgeous and amazing he is and not believe in God. I know that he is out there.

I've changed my blog name. It was once "City chick in the country", but I changed it, because I was just lying in bed thinking that I'm not really that much of a city chick. Sure, I like the shopping and the cafes and stuff...but Shepparton has that too....I did enjoy living in Canberra, but I can't say that I am a true city chick. Sydney and Melbourne-ites laugh at Canberra anyway, and call it a large country town....so perhaps I am just a large country town chick. That sounds totally wrong, so I think that 'Becoming Deborah' is much more in line with the theme of this blog. I am going to share this site on facebook and cut some of the rambling drivel.

Night all! Deb xo

Monday, November 3, 2008

Looking back (in a good way)!

I've been tidying up a lot and going through boxes of papers and things that have been shoved into corners. It has made me realise how far I've come. I'm going to share a bit of it so you know where I was and how far I've come.

16 March07 - I love my husband but I hate him seeing me like this. In fact, I feel like saying to him and the rest of my family "Don't love me!", but I know I don't really want that.

24 April 07 - I am so afraid and so scared that I'll never be all right again. I feel really confused, like I'm stuck in a big black hole. Feel suicidal, like I just want to die....can I go home? I just feel like I want to pass out or die, I can't go on living like this.

18 May 07 - All I want is a good night's sleep, and to be able to sleep again. I miss sleep sooo much and I'm afraid I'll never sleep again. I can't believe that I will ever get better but I have to trust God. I would much rather be the one cheering other people up than the one going through this, wading through so much horrible anxiety and fear. Please God, release me from this horrible prison. Just a tiny little bit, just enough for me to go home and cope at home. I am so weak, Lord, please help me. Lord, this is hell on earth and I would really like to not feel like this for much longer.
A verse I love is Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".

10 July 07.I feel unable to copeI feel scared that I'm going mad, feeling disconnected from everyone around me, I seem to be in a world of my own. I feel a sense of impending madness, s though I would fall over a high cliff at any moment, and this would signify my lost grip on reality.I can't enjoy anything about life anymore. All I think about is this illness and the feelings that I'm having. I keep thinking that I just want to be normal, why has this happened to me?
Psalm 13 is really good....David gives it to God in the first bit, I love it!


About May/June 08 I started to feel better. I started to be able to go out in public with Alex or by myself and not worry. Things have just kept on getting better. I still have troubles managing my emotions and not being neurotic and paranoid.....I still think I'm a whale and ugly as hell sometimes...but not all the time. I only cut myself and overdosed when I had PND on top of my borderline.... I know it is horrible but a friend of mine said that depression is sometimes not the absence of God, but God tapping you on the shoulder to say that something is horribly wrong and needs to change.

And do you know what? I know that I'm stronger for having gone through this. I feel like I know I can get through stuff. I am woman, hear me roooooooooooooar! :)

Saturday, November 1, 2008

What a great night!

Well, tonight Richard, Alex and I attended a function at the Casablanca restaurant to celebrate a mock wedding of one of the STAG(Shepparton Theatre Arts Group) girls...I was a little bit nervous as we worked out that this is the first time that Richard and I have ever been out on a Saturday night, with Shepparton people. We've had friends and relatives from Finley come down and stay, and had dinner with them...but an honest to goodness Shepparton night out, we have not had.

Richard and Alex were both a bit knackered, as they got up at 8am, but being the sluggard that I am, I had stayed in bed til 10.30!! We had a fabulous day, Richard and Alex fixed things, I went to a 12 step meeting, then we went to Ardmona Kid'stown.....then home for a swim, the first of the year for all of us together. It was gorgeous. Richard had a lay down and Alex and I played, looking at the photo albums. He is so adorable. He loved looking at Richard's pictures from the days when he used to ride dirtbikes. he kept pointing at them, saying "motor!", "bike", and "hat"!....Hat was for the helmets...he says "hat" in the cutest way. Ohhhh I simply adore my son. Even when he wakes up at 11am crying. Poor little man.

Anyhoo - the night out was fun, everyone there was very lovely and chatty...I got to know the guy who is playing my husband a little better, and turns out that he knows Richard's boss! I guess I am realising that Shep is a fairly small place and the longer we are here the more we'll get to know people.

I also saw a little girl who was in Kindermusik last week, and said hello. It is so nice to go somewhere and recognise people. It is so weird being unfamiliar with stuff here. I came home bouncing off the walls and said to Richard "I just LOVE living in Shepparton!!". He said "yeah....it's ok." hehe. Richard misses Finley and his family...and I miss them too...but Shep is just that little bit bigger and more "me".

Yay! :)

Monday, October 6, 2008

Rude much?

Ok....Alex is sick again and it is quite difficult taking him to the doctor as he gets upset really easily and when he's sick I'm usually sleep deprived and stressed as well. It didn't really help that last night I stayed up til nearly 1am looking at websites on Borderline Personality Disorder.

It was really interesting though, I found this site http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a107.htm on supporting a family member with BPD. I sent it to all my family cause so much of it is stuff that I think.

Anyhoo...back to the post's title....Alex had been very upset in the surgery and I was putting him and my shopping in the car when a coupla teenagers and their parents walked up and the boy opened his door on the trolley that I was unpacking. THey glared at me. I said "can I just get things unpacked? my son's not well".. The mother snapped "well HURRY UP then, you could just move your trolley over to the other side so we can get in your car". I felt totally pissed off as I was there before them and didn't have to say anything at all to them...was just doing so out of kindness (I am a real giver). I muttered something about "oh yeah, thanks, great...one mother appeals to another, good on you.....I'm sure your toddler was never sick and upset" and she refused to look at me as I moved my trolley to the other side and muttered. I found this so upsetting and was upset and stressed and pissed off. As they pulled out of the car park, with me fighting the urge to go and yell at her, I raised my hand in a one-fingered salute...and instantly felt disappointed in myself. I am trying so hard to respond to stress in a reasonable way and not to get into things that are nothing to do with me.

I take things so personally....I didn't think that perhaps they were stressed or just wanted to get into their car and weren't thinking of me and my struggle. Gah. Oh well....tomorrow is a new day and I'm going to Sydney so will potentially run into rudeness from other travellers. I must steel myself NOT TO TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY! Some people have attitude problems and often that is nothing to do with me. Look at the 20 other people who smiled sympathetically at me in the shopping centre when Alex was crying and clinging to me and not the one freakin person who was rude. Glass half empty, not half full. Yes.

I'm going to go and get dinner ready and cook a meal for tomorrow night when I'm away. Hope all is well to my pals. write me a comment and acknowledge my frailties!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

The best things in life are free

but you can tell it to the birds and bees.....

I've just been sitting here looking at my blog and how well it started out and how quickly it fell in a hole! it's been nearly three months since I wrote anything...and I think that my problem is that I write massive essays/epistles and then feel pressured because I don't want to sit down and write so much all the time. I think sometimes I'm just gonna have to write a little sentence or paragraph and then the blog will be more alive.

My husband just called me a slimy green turtle, and boy did it make me laugh. We were having one of those abstract conversations about cartoons and I was telling him that I was coming out of my shell....so yes..I am a slimy green turtle. That's ok cause I called him a giant rat, aka Splinter.

Oh dear..Alex is whinging and whining. What fun for all involved. He fell asleep at 7.20 without dinner, he was so tired he was practically hysterical. I fear a long night ahead! I don't know what is wrong with him. I've given him panadol and that should fix everything, shouldn't it?

I want to give you a list of top 10 things I love about Shep:
1. The shops!
2. Aquamoves, a fabulous gym
3. Saeeda, our fantastic daycare lady
4. Lots of different parks to take Alex to
5. Jungle Jive - this indoor playgym with a lovely cup of coffee has been my saviour on a wet/cold/windy day
6. My new friends Marianne and Kelly and Catherine
7. More 12 step meetings here and volunteer work
8. The fabulous drama group, STAG, whose latest production I have scored a role in
9. The anonimity - nobody says "are you Jennie's sister/Richard's wife/ Dr Cook's daughter"
10. The fact that it's a new start and nobody here looks at me with pity (yet!)

And....without further ado, the 10 things I'm not so crazy about Shep:
1. None of my family live here and I miss them
2. Everything is more spread out so I don't walk as much as I used to in Finley
3. I miss being part of a tight-knit community sometimes
4. I am quite often the new girl and have to do lots of small talk, sometimes I wish I could just cut the crap!
5. People in Shep have the audacity to have their own lives! ha. I find that people can be really busy and I find it hard to be persistent if they turn me down for social things
6.The anonimity- in some ways I'm not as accountable for my behaviour
7. I miss my mothers group and rolling with my homies Sara, Dimity, Tessa, etc
8. I miss Richard's family too, they're very supportive and good babysitters!
9. Road rage and paying for parking
10. Not getting to see my gorgeous niece and nephews all the time (kinda ties in with 1!)

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Only one month between posts! I am reading snopes.com

well, hello reader!
This morning we find Deborah Hay yet again unable to sleep and perusing the internet. The difference this time is that I'm off my sleeping tablets! Woo. So, the thing I am experiencing at present is called "rebound insomnia"....how pleasant. The good news is at least this will only last a little while and is definitely to be expected whilst coming off sleeping tablets, having been on them for about eighteen months. Speaking from experience as a long-term insomniac, sleeping tablets are a trap best to be avoided unless you can possibly avoid it (eg psychiatric conditions that make you fear lack of sleep). It just creates a rebound effect.....most doctors and chemists and psychs I know are dead against them. Much better to sleep by your own accord than by artificial means.

This is my fourth night without the tablets and I know that a lot of this insomnia is psychological. Used to having the crutch of tablets to enable sleep, I find falling asleep difficult, as well as staying asleep. The first three nights I fell asleep after an hour or so, only to wake up around 3...which was useful, as Alex has been very unsettled and has needed bonjela, panadol, a bottle...etc. I've had some good sleeps, with dreams in them, so I know that I've reached the REM stage of sleep, the good stuff. This is very encouraging. And I know that this insomnia will not last forever. I've had horrid periods of persistent insomnia in my early sobriety, and at the time I thought I would never sleep again. I did. So I know I will again. It is wonderfully exciting that I am off my sleeping medication. When I stop being so tired and start sleeping naturally, I will be so much better off. The sleeping tablets make you sluggish and slow your metabolism down

***eeeeeeeeeew my cat just jumped on my lap and farted.....gross***********

So, in summation.......(I am choking on fumes).....I am sleepless in Shepparton, but not hopeless! I am so excited about what the coming months bring. I feel at home in my body, in my mind. I had a great day today and really enjoyed being Alex's mum. I didn't feel worried about how I was going to get through the day......I have what I always wished for during the desperate first months of PND. I can be myself and be a mum. It isn't always perfect and I cut corners all the time. But I love my baby and I love my husband and I have friends and family who love me and all in all....life is pretty peachy.

I am so excited about my friend Suzanne having a baby. It was her due date today and I am trying not to trouble her with ten million "is it here yet?" texts and calls....but I am so excited.....she is so gorgeous and I can't wait to meet her gorgeous baby.

hmmmm getting sleepy. One last look at embarassing emails on snopes.com and back to bed for me. My poor light sleeper of a hubby is being disturbed quite a bit with my nocturnal activity. He's being very understanding. Bless him!

Sunday, June 15, 2008

I to the N to the SOMNIA!

yeah....I am not sleeping at the moment and I would like to be. Which sucks.

I have never been the world's best sleeper. Even when I was ten years old mum had bought me those relaxation tapes so I could try to sleep better. They never really worked. I get so upset about not being able to go to sleep that I just stress and stress and stress. It freaks me out.

Since going all nutso a coupla years ago, I have been on sleepers to help me sleep, which usually work. I have also been trying to exercise every day or at least every second day. I haven't had a "I know I'm not going to be able to sleep for a while" night in a while. I was lying there with my heart palpating a bit, wide awake and getting more and more anxious.

My solution is to get up and do something like post on my blog, read a book....think about stuff.
I think the fact that I was thinking about stuff is what got me unable to sleep. I mentioned a bit before about my BPD, but one of the symptoms is being unable to have good relationships with others and only seeing negatives in other people's behaviours. I have been really good with trying not to react to what I perceive as other people's poor treatment of me, to treat it in a detatched sort of way and talk to people I know who will give me both sides of the story.

Well the other day I forgot all that and got very annoyed with a friend of mine who I had rung quite a few times before I moved, cause she hadn't returned my calls, and just sent me a message on facebook saying we should catch up. I was annoyed that she couldn't be bothered picking up the phone, but let it go. I suggested a time when we caught up. This wasn't suitable. I suggested another time and there was a "yeah, that sounds good". Then I didn't hear from her for three weeks. I became more and more cranky, thinking "if someone moved to the town that i was living in and didn't know anyone I would try a little harder to be a friend". And I let her have it, saying I was annoyed and upset that she couldn't give me any of her time.

Ooooh boy...and did I get it in a blast back from her. She is working and studying full time, she has a 9 year old daughter, she just had a miscarriage (I didn't even know she was in a relationship)....she has no time for anyone at the moment and she doesn't need me making her feel guilty about it when she's tried hard to catch up with me. Ha!
I felt annoyed when I got her message......then as quickly as the annoyance came, was the shame. Oh dear, she is havign a really hard time and I have just sent her a horrible message which makes her feel dreadful. I am not proud of myself. I got a feeling of massive dejavu, I always used to do this with my friends in Canberra....have fallings out and tell other friends, I was always warring with someone, I always had a nemesis on any given day.

I have stepped back into that world and I hate it. It feels awful. I want to go into my brain and remove the bit that told me it was a good idea to write that email and not just to be tolerant and think the best of people, not the worst. If people aren't continually reassuring me that i am ok, I think they hate me. This does not make sense, but hurrah for psychiatrists. My shrink will no doubtedly advise further action. And guess what? blogging about it helps. Yay. And Kristy, I am sorry. :(

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

More incoherent ramblings

Well, good afternoon all.

This post finds me almost well and sitting here quite happy with my lot. I have been looking back a bit this afternoon, something about looking at Facebook and seeing what my contemporaries have been up to. I've decided that a beautiful little boy and a handsome, loving husband, as well as a supportive family and in-laws is actually a very good deal.

About five years ago I was a very different person.....although a lot the same in some ways. On the 25th of May 2003, I stopped drinking altogether because of a drunken accident I was in. I lost my license for 6 months and got fined $1000. I was lucky not to have been killed or jailed...or worse still, killed someone else.

I was reeling from the shock of it all, and from the shock of my sister announcing her engagement to a honest, reliable and quite gorgeous farmer from Finley. She's 20 months younger than me and has always had her sh*t together in a way that I've never managed. Her engagement really brought home to me that my life was going nowhere fast. I had a series of "relationships", a series of "friendships" and a series of "jobs". Some friends, family, and jobs had hung in there longer than most, but many I had alienated with my mercurial personality and self-defeating behaviour.

I can recognise now that I have problems in the way that I see the world and the way that I form relationships with people. The diagnosis this year that I have Borderline Personality Disorder really puts into focus what I have been grappling with for the past 5 years, but also in a sense, for all of my life.

You see, I have never really felt like I fitted in, I have never liked myself. I have always thought I was ugly and despaired of my ability to ever get a good job, get a man, get friends, etc. When these things came my way, I abused them and lost them. If they hung on, I abused them and despised them. I hated myself and anyone who loved me was worthy of scorn.

It is a massive relief to find out that I actually have a DISEASE which makes me behave/feel like this. I am also an alcoholic - I can never drink again, and haven't since my accident just over 5 years ago. I often used to wonder "why do I hate myself so much?" "Why do I behave like this?".....and over the last five years I have found out why.

If I step outside myself, I can see that I do have good points. I have a warped sense of humour, I love children and small animals, I love my family, I love God, I want to belong, I have a keen fashion sense, I feel things deeply.

On the minus side, I am prone to over-reaction, I have a very thin emotional skin, I doubt and hate myself at times, I can be a real b*tch, I indulge in self-defeating behaviour.

I have found that part of this journey has been to accept myself for who I am, whoever that may be on any given day, and just press on with the task at hand.

I have a charmed life today, the aforementioned lovely hubby and child, and yet sometimes I want things to go badly for me, or to people to treat me badly, so I can complain. I am not content with a good life, I want drama, action, gossip. I am addicted to bad behaviours and really miss the compulsive behaviours I have let go sometimes. I miss being a drunk, a tart and a smoker. (Which is worse, she wonders????)....Responsibility has never sat particularly easy on my shoulders and today it is no different.

How lucky am I that I have the chance to have a good life and change my bad reactions and combat my bad, self defeating behaviour? I have so many people I want to make things up to. Thank you everyone who has kept on loving me even though I have made it hard for them. Today is the future. Today is whatever I want it to be. Today can be healthy if I want it to be.

Yay!

Monday, May 26, 2008

I really dislike pads with wings.

Ok, so that may be an overshare, but I really really hate them. To the uninformed, they are silly bits of paper either side of your feminine sanitary towel, which are supposed to cling to your pants and stop said towel from shifting around.

And I hate them. I find they hardly ever work, mostly they shrivel up on themselves and create a little papery bulge which is impossible to adhere to your undergarments. I don't understand when it was that women decided we needed an extra bit of useless paper on our pads, but it's near impossible to get a femminine hygiene product sans wings, which really gets on my wick.



Oh, and was anyone else watching Rove last night? Chaz from the Chaser pashed him! It was extremely full on and I was a bit shocked. I thought, am I being homophobic, and thought...no....I would be just as shocked as if it was a female guest who had tried to suck the face off him.

Also, in other news.....The McDonalds on Melbourne road in Shepparton has extremely poor customer service. Picture a whole mcdonalds full of 18 - 19 year old girls who are just making money so they can go out and buy alcopops and fags. They care very little as to whether your McDonalds experience is a happy one. I felt like saying "I was 18 once you know, I was trendy, damn you!". I doubt they would believe me.

Coles have nappies on sale for $30 per box. oooher! Exciting stuff, I hear you say. I must respond to some emails from friends, I haven't sat down at the computer for ages.....trying to unpack and keep Mr Hay junior under control.

I can hear him swearing at something now, probably surrounded by:

a. dirt
b. soap
c. washing powder
d. dirty clothes
e. a mystery concoction of all the above.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder

Crikey!

I hate to say it but it makes sense. Have a look at this article...http://esvc000144.wic027u.server-web.com/pdfs/U%20Borderline%20Personality%20Disorder.pdf

It pretty much describes me. So now I am going to soak up that knowledge and get some help! yay for help.

Love you all,

Deb xoxo

April was a write off and May has been crap!

Good morning bloggers,

I am here at mum and dad's house in Finley (the house we used to live in) taking it easy while Richard, Alex, Mum and Dad go and get some furniture etc to move here from Tocumwal.

April was a write off cause I was too busy stressing about packing and doing the packing to blog or do anything apart from gaze at my own navel.

I am now going to take a little while to reflect over the past few weeks. You see, I had high hopes about moving to Shepparton, as well as being a little afraid of the change. I did my homework and sought out playgroups, MOPS, daycare workers, potential shopping districts, the gym, the library....I had my first week planned out.

Richard and I moved on the 3rd of May and I had big plans, was excited about unpacking and putting my mark on the house. Then, Alex started to get sick. He was happy enough on Sunday when I took him to church (richard stayed home for a much deserved sleep in)....then Sunday night he got very whingey and upset and when I checked him at about 10pm he was burning up and grunting in his sleep. I was very worried and rang mum (like you do)....then took him down to the hospital. By the time the doctor saw him, at about ten to one in the morning, he had calmed down and seemed fine.

Monday he was cross but still eating and drinking.... Monday night he woke every two or so hours and we gave him Panadol. Tuesday he was definitely not himself. I took him for a shower with me and on the way out of the bedroom, I slipped on the tiles, jarring my back and dropping the poor boy on the tiles. He wailed and wailed. I started to cry and rang the doctor here for an appointment. When I went there she diagnosed tonsilitis and sent us away with some antibiotics. He also had a bit of a rash around his mouth which she said was viral.

Tuesday night he woke every hour or so and his rash had gotten worse, blisters and stuff around his mouth and his little botty. I decided on Wednesday morning that I would take him over to see dad and get a second opinion. Dad had a look and diagnosed Herpes Simplex, the cold sore virus, which is very painful as the blisters get on the mouth and tounge. He wasn't drinking at all and sometimes spitting stuff out. Mum decided to come to shepparton with me and help with Alex and to help me unpack.

Just before we left Finley, I lifted a really heavy microwave out of mum's car....lifting with my back and not bending my knees. After the drive to Shep, I sat down for a bit, then when I went to get up my back spasmed painfully. I have had a back spasm before so thought, ok, heat pack and drugs, she'll be right. We went home and I sat on the lounge. After sitting for a while I decided to visit the bathroom and couldnt' stand! I crawled all the way and then got into bed. Richard and mum came to see me and I tried to have a shower but I couldn't stand..it was just too painful.

i also couldn't visit the bathroom so mum had to help me with a bedpan! How humilliating! Then Thursday morning mum rang an ambulance cause I just could not move. They gave me that pain thing to suck on whilst they put me in a wheelchair then on a bed. I was so awful, I felt like one of those massive fat women who end up stuck in their house cause of their extreme obesity and have to be winched out.

The doctor diagnosed a pinched nerve between the muscle spasm and prescribed heavy painkillers, which didn't make much of a dent to be honest. I was screaming like a woman in labour as I tried to get out of the bed. I also had to lay there for about four hours as the ER was really busy. I was dying for a pee and told a nurse...she said I'd have to get onto a chair loo...and I said "i am sorry but I can't stand up...I want to but I just can't!!". SO she shoved a bedpan under my butt and left me there, saying she would be back soon. Ten minutes later, as wee began seeping out of the pan and onto my sheets, another nurse came past. She pulled back the sheets after I explained my problem and exclaimed loudly "oh you've wet the bed, it's gone EVERYWHERE!" I started to cry because, hello....could it be more humilliating? She said "oh love, don't cry, we'll fix it". When the other nurse came back I said "oh that bed pan spilt'. "oh..."she said.."yes, I thought that might happen". Stupid woman!

So from Thursday last week til Wednesday this week, I didn't get out of bed much. I was able to use the toilet with help, and to go by myself on about sunday. Such a thrill for Richard to help his wife use the toilet. Life is so glamorous sometimes!

The phone has only just been connected by Optus, which has been very annoying, and the lady who we chose to be our daycare provider has been very inflexible and offputting about Alex and myself being sick. There was a disagreement over payments and she claimed that I had "upset her". My goodness, I thought. Grow a spine, lady. Then she rang family day care and they rang me and said that they thought it would be best for both if we got another daycare provider. Apparently this lady had just been in hospital for a procedure and was "fragile".

So when we go back I will have to go and see another daycare lady and see what happens there. I really miss our old Daycare lady.....Richard's sister Catherine. She was so caring and accommodating. I suppose our ex daycarer has just had fairly straightforward people and nobody who has had all the dramaz that we have had.

So there you have it. I really just hope that next week is better!

Saturday, March 29, 2008

I love it when things make sense

You know when you've judged someone harshly in the past, then they tell you something about themselves from back then....that changes the emotional landscape? It means you can put another context on things....be kinder......

It means that the image of the person you know becomes clearer....and nicer. I do like this person, more and more. Someone I blogged about and had to delete cause it was horrid.

I had a fantastic day today and I'm going to bed. Love you all. I love my mothers group friends. They are sooo choice (ferris bueller)

ps - Ange, I'll call you back tomorrow and the $2 is in the mail! :)

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

There's no escaping it - we are moving!

Oh deary me....so yes, we are moving. Mum came over today and helped Richard and I start to pack. Richard has now caught the "packing bug" and the back of our house is littered with boxes. We are also finding stuff that we haven't seen in years! I found a 2006 calendar, where I have counted the weeks that I'm pregnant......counting down to the big 40 weeks! Which was actually the big 38 weeks......Mr Alexander decided that he would come early and disrupt his daddy's attempts to get a forklift license. Not that he did - Richard still got the license and took me to Shep hospital soon after.

Man that paragraph is disordered and full of lots of different thoughts. Hmm.

Our cat Chloe, keeps going to sleep in Alex's room. She hates Alex most of the time, runs away from him, so it is gorgeous to see her seeking some alone time with him! I love going in there to get him and seeing her sleek and sleepy in the corner. How I love cats. Some days I wish I was a cat....sleep all day and eat.....and nobody really cares too much if you're big and fat. You don't have to worry about having a bad hair day or putting on makeup.

I am also thinking about the blaming God thing for my Post Natal Depression. Does God want me to be unhappy? No...I am sure he doesn't. But he does want me to be of use to him...and perhaps before I had been through this, I was too selfish and self involved. I had no idea about real pain and suffering, about real grief. Perhaps God is giving me a chance to better myself and move forward. If I have a choice, I do want to believe in God. I do want to have a relationship with him. I have tried hating him and ignoring him....it doesn't work for me. I know that God is there, the bastard (joking people) and I know that he has things for me to do. I just have to take the next step forward and keep believing that one day it will be noice. I am still not so great at the moment....I still feel afraid of a lot of stuff, not sleeping well, don't feel like me, often feel like I am existing somewhere else when I am in a group situation, find it hard to contribute to conversations, love Alex but feel very confused about what I am supposed to do with him, find it difficult to be, find it difficult to get motivated to get out of the house, find it hard to cook meals, have no energy to clean the house, find decisions hard, fear the future, bla bla bla bla blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

But enough about me, how about you? What do you think about me??? (I will give a shiny $2 coin to the first person to name the movie that's from.......email me at deborah_in_canberra@hotmail.com)

and yes...I know I am no longer in Canberra. Thank you!~

Monday, March 24, 2008

Ethan Hawke is an ass...

Back in the day, almost 10 years ago, my friends and I were mad about Ethan Hawke. He played Troy in "Reality Bites" and was sooo sooo cool and anti-establishment. I was 21 at the time and just longed for someone who was that rock-n-roll, that cool and all that.

Well that was then and this is now!! Upon viewing that movie at the ripe old age of 31, I find the ethan hawke character to be a selfish little man, who makes excuses for his own lack of accomplishments by ripping down others.....I think the Ben Stiller character would have been so much better for her, even though he seemed so cheesy at the time.

And now I read that Ethan Hawke, he of the "I will marry Uma Thurman, have children with her then let her down by sleeping with the nanny"...has written a song about her, calling her a fat beast. Ugh. Very very ugly. Makes me wonder if he wasn't playing himself in Reality bites.

http://celebrities.ninemsn.com.au/blog.aspx?blogentryid=85447&showcomments=true&rss=yes

He is still with the ex-nanny and has knocked her up. How classy.

Alex is finally asleep and Richard is outside doing lots of yard work. He's such a champ. I am sitting on my bottom contemplating housework. And I'm taking Alex out to my friend Sara's house this arvo, so he can play with his girlfriend, Allison. They are 6 days apart. So cute!

Monday, March 17, 2008

and another thing...

Can I just mention how much I love the website http://www.gofugyourself.typepad.com ? Ok, thanks....it's fantastic. I always thought that I was fashion backwards because I don't like high waisted stuff, or leggings....and I have discovered that others feel the way I do! yay!!

Oh...and that guy from So You Think You Can Dance, Anthony (i think..) makes me feel slightly ill when he dances, it's the expression on his face...he looks like he thinks he's a porn star. eew.

I hate it when you make a really dumb joke and the person who you make the joke to just gives you a "you're so uncool" look....the girls at the IGA and newsagent here are particularly good at that. Makes me feel old, like a boring housewife. The bad part is that my friends and I, when we were 19, made fun of the stupid jokes that people made to us whilst we were serving them. Ahhh the cruel irony.

Ok I'm definitely going to bed now. niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhtt.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

cavalcade of tumultuous feelings...

Hmmm....now I am just showing off....although I had to look up dictionary.com to make sure those words meant what I thought they mean.

Anyhoo...I had a great weekend, very emotional but great. Saturday we got up and Richard helped me to clean the house. My friend Suzanne who I have known for 14 years (eek!) was coming up from Melbourne to visit, and although she said that she loves me warts and all, I preferred to excise some warts before she came a'visiting.

Suz is 23 weeks pregnant, due to pop on the 10th July, which is really exciting for her and Matt, he is a lovely South African dude that she has been with for some time. So we had lots of great talks about babies and labour and pregnancy and the whole caboodle. Some feelings of sorrow started to surface cause I can remember feeling soooo hopeful and happy about being pregnant, then the whole thing went wrong when I got Post Natal Depression.

Then we went out to my lovely friend Sara's for dinner with Sara, her hubby Nick, our other lovely friend Dimity and her man Chris. Richard and Suz both came along and there was much merriment and baby stories, as Sara and Dimity are both from my mothers group and both have little girls. It made me happy that I have such great friends, but sad that it's taken me this long to find them! I really have felt like a fish out of water for so long, living in Finley. These gals are so great, I really feel comfortable on them, like we're all on the same crazy wavelength. I'm going to miss them when we move to Shep.

Today Suz and I sorted through some baby clothes of Alex's, and some baby stuff that we're not going to use again.....we have pretty much decided that Alex is going to be an only child, due to the length and depth of my PND. I keep getting frustrated that I'm not completely better, still feel strange...yet I forget that for so long I felt so revolting, like I couldn't stand for another day to tick by, that I couldn't live for another minute. I remember reading an explanation of a guy who had been severely depressed with a mania attached, and how he described feeling like he couldn't live another second. I always devour stories of PND, and will the person to describe my feeling. I guess every person's feeling is different. Mine is starting to go...but I still don't feel normal.

I confessed to Suzanne today over brunch in Cobram (ladida!) that I felt like somewhat of a fraud telling her about babies etc, as I couldn't remember a lot (due to Shock Therapy) and the bits I could remember were horrid, such as him crying and crying and me crying and just wanting to run away. I wish I could remember him smiling but I can't, all I can remember is the crying and feeling of utter helplessness. I feel so sorry for me too, because I want to be happy about little babies....but I can't help feeling slightly repulsed by them and their neediness.

I feel guilty about having had PND and being sick for so long. I feel like I should apologise...but I can't without negating the validity of my experience. PND is not my fault....if I keep saying that then maybe one day I'll believe it. I reckon the moment you give birth you also give birth to a big sack of guilt....so add a mental disorder to the mix and voila! A big hearty dose of "I am a failure". Maybe it's time to go back to the counsellor? hmmm...yairs.

Well tomorrow is another day, with no mistakes in it, as Anne of Green Gables would say........so I'm sure tomorrow will be better and before you know it I will be back to sanity-ville!! :)

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Moronnnnnnnnnnnn





Ok, I did it again. I have a problem and I keep thinking I'm over it...but then I just get so angry and before I know it I am in deep trouble again. I wish just for once that I could calm down. Anger managment may be needed. Maybe I should knit a jumper for a cat (that's an Adam Sandler reference, people!)

I don't want to say too much or people will guess. I feel sooo guilty though. Poor Alex saw when I was yelling and he got really upset and cried. Now not only do I feel like a bad person, I feel like a bad mother, who is scarring her child for life!

everything had been going so well today.....happy child playing, mother reading a lovely book and a nice phone call from Richard to say that he missed me. Mum dropped in and we chatted and Alex ate and spilt various bits of food.

I am scared about moving to Shepparton. I am sure it will be good but I hate change. I crave it but I hate it. Who's going to be my friend in Shep? I have formed a nice posse here in Finley, our mothers group consisting of Sara, Dimity, Wendy D, Wendy C, me and Tessa Mc (sometimes). We have been catching up more lately and this weekend we're all going to be very grown up and have tea! And all the hubbies can meet and hopefully get along. I am excited, I like my girlfriends and I am sure I will like their hubbies.

My good friend Tamara Nicholson turned...ummm...I think 27 on Monday. Yay! I must ring her tomorrow....I rang her on her birthday night but she was in bed after a long weekend.

I was very proud of my behaviour over the course of our brisbane holiday. Others may beg to differ, but they can keep their opinions to themselves. The best part for me was when the car hire place lady was looking at Perez Hilton on her computer. Awesome, I thought.

I should really post a nice picture of us as a family...although I don't know if we got many of them!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

It's gone....all gone

I decided to delete my bitchy post as it wasn't uplifting. It's one thing to think stuff, another to write it in a public forum in a place where I know that others will be looking.

I have been quite cantankerous all weekend and think it's time to move on to the positive side....asking why why why isn't going to change things. I am excited about going to Brisbane but hope I don't look too blubberous in the photos. A major dietary and exercise change is coming after said hols!

I feel quite cross with some people...I guess I feel like people should make more of a fuss over me. I feel left out, which is silly.....who am I including and why do other people have to make all the effort? Because I said so, that's why! hehe. I am aware that I am being irrational so am trying to keep away from people until the storm passes.

Must go and read the paper and sit with my lovely hubby (who weathers a lot of stormy weather from me!!)

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

It's tricky to rock around, to rock around that's right, I said it's TRICKYYYYYYYYYYYYYY...

I open today's post with a Beastie boys song that has been in my head all of today. I think of my lovely friend Suzanne when I sing it, as we would often be silly and sing that song together.... oh and I can remember being on the podium of my favourite nightclub and thinking I was pretty darn cool, dancing away to that song, in the vain hope that some nice guy would see me and decide I was the one that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

Luckily I did not have to employ such methods to coax Richard into a such an agreement. I feel that perhaps if I had jumped onto a podium and done that at my sister Jen's wedding, where I first got to dance with him.....that he may have been too embarassed for me to ask me out.

Oh do shut up, Deborah. enough random silliness for today. hehe.

I have been browsing Facebook, like you do, and have discovered a whole clutch of old schoolfriends. I discovered the boy that both of my friends went out with in year 7, 1988...not at the same time though. I decided not to add him because I hardly said two words to him. I am trying earnestly to find my dear schoolfriend Kim Kaczmarek, but I fear that she has changed her name and is not on facebook.

I have got a bit of a tan from walking around town with Alex in the pram, as usually my skin tone is quite white. It does serve as a bit of a problem, cause when I put my foundation on, it's quite white and my skin isn't really. Maybe I need to buy more foundation? Yay, beauty products bonanzaaaaaaaaa!

Alex has just started to stir from his nap, so I will go and clutch him to my bosom and at some stage throughout this afternoon, will also cook a quiche and vaccum the floor. How's that for excitement?!?!?!

Snaps to my sister Woodie for sitting through a 5 hour lecture. Crivens! That's just not nice.

Monday, February 18, 2008

How bad do you want it?

I was thinking today, I whinge and moan that I can't lose any weight, but am I really trying? I continually think about sweets and things that are bad for my figure - I have the craziest sugar cravings and they rule my head. All day, while Alex is crying or playing or whatever, I think "soon I can have a piece of cake or a biscuit" sometimes I think "soon I can have a carrot stick or a piece of fruit". Not often though. I need a major overhaul in my thoughts, but I can't be bothered. It all seems like too much hard work. I guess they call it fast food for a reason!

Alex really annoyed me this morning. I was going to be early for daycare today, except he found some italian dressing in the fridge (yes this technically makes me a bad mother for letting him play with it), and spilled it all over himself. Then when I grabbed him and was trying to clean it up, he did one of those lovely tantrum-esq back thrusts and wouldn't stand on his legs so I could get his pants off. I was trying to remove his clothes so I didn't trail italian dressing all the way down the hall. I yelled "stand up! Stand UP! STAND UPPPPPPPPPPP!!" and of course, he cried. Ugh, I felt so low. Poor bubba. He is going through this really full on clingy and violent phase, where he tries to throw things at other kids, to push people, to smack people and just go limp, dead weight, and thrust around. It's so full on. Sometimes I just lose it and yell. Then I felt bad cause I bet the neighbours can hear and I hope they're not telling people "oh that Hay woman really lost it this morning"....

I am now going to go and run a nice soaky bath and relax into it, then have a rest. I was in the shop before buying somg glad wrap (fascinating, I know), and I was thinking "bloody this, bloody that, ugh I'm so fat, why did I yell at Alex, stupid glad wrap"...you know, positive stuff like that? And then I pulled myself up. This time last year I couldn't even go to the shop by myself. This time last year I was nearly back in hospital again. That reminded me of the trips to the little shop over the road when I was in the pysch hospital in Albury. They became the highlight of the day and a time when I'd stare at other people in the shops and think "I wish I was you...I wish I had your life....I wish I was SANE and not crippled by this mass depression". Well now I am pretty much almost back there and I am complaining about Glad wrap? I mean, get some perspective, woman!

So today is brought to you by the word "perspective".

Saturday, February 16, 2008

I AM SO ANNOYED AT MY STUPID BODY

Hello, good afternoon and welcome to my nightmare.

I have had post natal depression for 17 months now. I have been on lots of different medications to try and normalise me. The one that I've been on for about eight months is a combination of lithium and nortriptoline, which is an old fashioned tryciclic antidepressant. Lithium is a mood stabliser.

Now I have never been a small girl, standing at just under six foot tall, I usually weigh about 90-100 kilos, depending on how I am going. When I fell pregnant with Alex, I weighed 93kgs, and I got to about 116 with him on board. I was back down to 101 a couple of weeks after I'd had him. I then lost heaps of weight and went down to about 90 because I couldn't eat due to mass anxiety.

I was about 100 kilos before I went home from hospital in June last year, and have been trying to get that weight off ever since I've been home. Nothing has worked. My weight has been steadily climbing, from 103 to 105 to my all time high of 107 just recently. I am so upset and I feel like I hate my body at times. The effort that I had to put in to lose weight when I wasn't on this medication is needed at all times for me not to put on weight. The moment i have a sugar fix or eat unhealthily, I see it on the scales. I hate it so much. I feel disgusting.

We are off to Brisbane in two weeks time and I DO NOT FEEL GOOD ABOUT SEEING OLD FRIENDS WHEN I LOOK LIKE THIS. I feel like a fat pig. I feel like a failure. I feel like a waste of space. I don't feel attractive, I don't feel like I matter. So guess what that makes me feel like doing? Eating lots. Which is great, self defeating and all the rest. I know I need to stick to a sensible diet but it is so frigging hard! I just feel like, "what's the sodding point of it all as I'm only going to put on more weight?!?" gaaaaaaaaaaah.

Hello to Sara! thanks for reading my blog :)

Friday, February 15, 2008

Our minister has started calling me "BIG RED"!!

ok...so this week's installment of my blog finds me slightly annoyed that the minister of our church thinks he is able to call me big red. I hate being called big red, I hated it all through school and I particularly hate it now. I do not mind being called "red", as I quite enjoy being a redhead....but why the "big" part? He has a wife and kids.....two of whom are girls....surely he knows that it is NOT ok for anyone to call a girl/woman "big"! (Unless she introduces herself as such). I find it so insulting. (I just wrote him an email to say "thanks but no thanks!')

Richard's boss when he was working for Case here in Finley, called me "Big Red" at a social function and I burst into tears. (was about four years ago) I am sure it wasn't meant in a horrible manner....but ahhh it brings back so many horrid school memories. At school, they also called me "Big Betty", from Betty on Hey Dad - she was the silly secretary with red hair. I wanted to get some sort of revenge on them all and show up at the school reunion looking fabulous or turn up with a really hot guy at our graduation....but never quite got around to it.

I reckon being a teenager is horrible. Your face and body are out of control, you have all these hormones....blah! I have always wanted to be cool - wanted to be acceptable. I have had varying degrees of success, but most of my victories have been empty cause I didn't really believe that I was worth it. I'm still working on that. But since Alex has come along, I have made a lot of progress in that area. I've grown in patience...I've had to! I have also realised that I have to do the right thing for Alex and Richard and I, and stuff everyone else. Well, not quite, but you do get a lot of advice when you've a little one.

Bla bla bla, what else? Hmm, I have been thinking about my beautiful little boy and how in love with him I am. Can't believe that the Post Natal Depression was so horrid that I just wanted him to go away! I associated the feelings I was having with him being there and just wanted it all to go away. It has been a slow process....I still feel guilty about feeling like that....but it was what it was, I can't change it by wishing it away. Lots of women get PND.

I really enjoy my mothers group. The girls in it are so much fun and I really feel at home with them. We're all similar in some respects and different in others. Everyone has found having a bub to be a massive upheaval! Hmmm....not much else to report, other than the fact that we are going to Bribane! Yay! In about two weeks. Can't wait.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Massive post and massive proctrastination!

So I wrote a massive post and guess what happened then? Alex pulled the cord out of the wall and the computer went dead. No more post. I was putting together a list of 10 happy songs...and that will get there. Sometime soon, perhaps over the weekend.

I have been looking at sooo much internet. Cannot be good for me...but it seems to be what I've been doing lately when I am tired and trying to muster up the enthusiasm for work. I very much would like to be amusing and witty but ooh....I'm a bit tired for all that today. Alex has gone for a sleep...and I think I need a little nap too. We went to the park this morning and I let go of him too soon on the slide, poor little man ended up eating some bark. He was very upset. Poor boy! I gave him a big cuddle and he soon settled down. It's a learning curve all right!

I've been trying to stay in better touch with some of my friends who don't live here. I have been corresponding a bit with my friend suz and she gave me this new website address - http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/, and another one www.televisionwithoutpity.com , which was particularly good as I missed the last episode of America's next top model. yeah.

Richard and Alex and I are going to go to Brisbane in about a month, which is really exciting as I'll get to see my best friend Jen and another schoolfriend Renae, who is pregnant. I haven't seen Jen for about 3 years and Renae for about 10. It is also a bit scary cause I will have to appear on a beach. So the diet has gone into warp factor nine. Why am I so addicted to sugar? hmmm.

I am about to fall asleep, but luckily I do not have to read Calvin like my poor sister Angela. I am going to read a trashy mag/book and lie on my bed with a heat pack on my belly. Yes, it's that time. mmmm.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Vanilla sky

Well I sat and watched a bit of this movie when it was on, Tuesday morning and I was trying to clean up the house. I saw it with my friend Suzanne, I think, years ago.....when it first came out in 02 or 03? I think I saw it with Suz. Anyho...

At the time I hated the movie, thought it was a seinfeld movie, a movie about nothing, tom cruise's posturings and his silly spanish piece of fluff, bla bla bla.... but oh dear....tuesday it really got to me.

Tom's character is a serial romancer, who has a bed buddy, played by Cameron Diaz.....she is mega serious about him but he's not in the least bit serious about her. He also has a lovely friend played by Jason Lee, who never gets the chick, cause tommy boy is always getting the chick. Anyway, at a party at his house, one that he hasn't invited Cammy to....he meets Penelope Cruz's character, a spirited painter and dancer. Jason Lee has his eye on her but when they meet it's obvious that TC and PC like each other. Jason Lee takes him to one side and says "you could have anyone, why do you have to take the one I like?" Tom smiles but pursues her anyway, walking her home and save a kiss goodbye, saving their chemistry for later. He walks away and sees Cameron's character waiting in a car, wanting to talk to him.....she says, as friends...

So to prove he isn't a total a-hole, Tom gets in the car. she then goes ballistic and commits suicide by driving the car off a bridge, and injuring his beautiful face. He doesn't cope well with the change in his life....which is only that of perception. He's still the same person, but he believes that people don't see him as they used to. He believes that they feel sorry for him. He is so stuck and so sick that he believes that the only way out is Suicide. His emotions and perceptions are soooo ugly, he believes there is no way out for him, that anyone who wants to be in his life from now on is only doing so because they feel sorry for him. The film where he takes the pills, he is so desperate, so ugly in his fear, and so wrong about the rest of the world. People care about him but because he can't control how they see him anymore, he can't cope.

I cried and cried because this is something that I have struggled with so much in my postnatal depression. I believe anyone who wants to get to know me feels sorry for me and I want to control how they see me. I don't think I'm well enough yet, I don't think I'm perfect enough for anyone to love me or want me. All I see is my flaws...they cloud my perception of everything anyone else says or does. He had the windows shut and there was no light...there was no rest, there was no peace in ending his life. THere were people waiting to be his friend and to love him, but all he had to do was go outside. It would hurt for a while and be strange, but soon he could be a friend as well as have a friend. He could help other people who had been through the same thing. He could see that life is not a perfect tragectory and moving straight up, but that a lot of life is falling down (sometimes really hard) and getting back up and trying to walk again.

Much of our classic art and literature and music was composed by artists who were suffering, artists who knew pain and who tried to communicate this pain. Pain and suffering is not nice, not nice at all...but it can be the start of massive growth and maturity. It gives you character. Suicide is not the answer, not ever. There is always another chance, there is always another day.

Lots and lots of love to you all. and more songs soon!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Music is my emotional currency...

I think I have watched too many John Hughes films or something....but I just love music. I love having a song to associate with a moment. I mark periods of mass depression or upset with song. I also mark happiness with song and am never happier than when music is blaring. I hate showering without it, I hate working without it, I definitely hate driving without it.

Here are my top ten songs to be depressed to:
"dark star" - Suede
"halcyon and on"- Orbital
"silence" - Sarah McLachlan
"apologise" - Timbaland & One Republic
"touch me" - Rui DaSilva
"jackie" - Bz with Joanne (yes I do have a thing for crappy 90s dance music)
"love supreme" - Robbie Williams
"feel" - Robbie Williams
"you said that you would love only me" - not sure who sings this one...tried to find out on the internet and all I got was http://www.tuneid.com/312550-post1.html
"unbreak my heart" - Toni braxton

hmmm this is actually harder than I thought it would be....am trying to access hidden pockets of depressed music-listening

This has taken a lot longer than I thought it would and I will now publish this and tune in tomorrow for the happy songs!!

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Kindergarten Cop

I have been thinking about this movie lately....my good friend Laura and her friend Michael quoted it all the time when we were at uni. Michael scared Laurs one night cause he rang her answering machine and said "His head is so big he can't wear any hats"....over and over in this high pitched voice. It's hilarious though....I love the bit where the kids talk about their dads, and the bit where the kiddies are going crazy, running all over the place....and he yells out "shhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuutt uuuuuuuuuuuuupppppppppp!"....and all the kids start crying and he's like.....oh dear. I think of that often, when Alex is refusing to go to sleep or something......I imagine myself yelling it. I never do it. Honest! I've probably yelled at him a handful of times, when he is doing something really naughty....and the look on his face....poor little man. Enough to make me never do it again!

I also bought "girls just wanna have fun" on dvd and I am sooooooooooooooooooo in love with that movie. I think cause I first saw it at a sleepover when I was about 10, and life was so simple back then. I just love it cause it's a movie where good truimphs over bad, where the girl gets the guy and they win! It would be interesting if they did a followup on that movie. Helen Hunt was soooo great as Lynne Stone. And I love the eighties music. So good.

I'm going to get my hair cut this week and I think I might go to Shepparton. I really want something that's funky and perhaps some layers or foils. Not too light though, light foils make me look scary. I need to find a hairdresser who does funky hairstyles for curly hair. My hair is very bizarre and does not behave how normal hair behaves.

Richard is watching I-robot and Alex is tugging at my foot. best go. byeeeeee xoxo

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Back's getting better and going crafty!

Well I had a pretty good day today, made some biscuits and vacummed the floor twice. It was great. hehe. I was looking at Facebook today and it's always awkward when you see people that you've gone out with on there. Ugh. Makes me realise how young and dumb I was when I lived in Canberra. Always with the wanting approval thing.

Not that I'm fixed on that yet....still in counselling and that is going pretty well. I think there are just people who seem to be born without life's rule book and I am one of them. I have no male friends who aren't gay....I find it very difficult to talk to guys that aren't either my husband or related to me by marriage. I think it's got a bit to do with my personality and a bit to do with being one of three gals. Who knows.

Tonight I'm off to this craft night that they're holding at the church hall. Any of my friends who know me well will know how little I like craft, believing it to be a) boring and b) a time waster. But, there are lots of people here who like craft and I spose I shouldn't be craft-ist. If I get bored I can easily come home...Richard has taken Alex out to his parents farm for dinner. Which means yay, a no-cook night for me. Yipee!

Also, America's next top model is on tonight which is awesome. I love the trash. I'm off to Cobram tomorrow to GROCERY SHOP! Stop shouting, I hear you say.....heheh. Grocery shopping is one of my highlights for the week. I get to spend money and look at stuff. Yay!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Heath Ledger, how sad

http://perezhilton.com/2008-01-23-the-latest-on-the-heath-ledger-tragedy

Just checked Perez Hilton for his take on the sad news about Heath Ledger. Man....I can understand wanting to kill yourself, cause for a lot of last year, I felt like it was my only option. I had so much going for me and so many people who cared about me, but none of it could break through the darkness that I felt. I really wanted it to, but I just felt like if anyone who loved me knew how bad that I felt, that they would understand me not wanting to be around. It is so horrific that unless you have stood in someone with Major depression or a substance dependency issue's shoes....you can't really judge.

Still incredibly sad and he's so young! he's about six months younger than my little sister, Angela......my gosh.....he still had so much to do, so much to live for. At the end of the day it doesn't really matter what I think though......life goes on, doesn't it? Sometimes it's hard to make sense of it all......I remember that bit in Reality Bites where Ethan Hawke's character says something like "life is just a lottery of meaningless coincidences and a series of near misses".... That's sure what it seems like sometimes. I guess the thing with believing in God, we believe that there is a reason for it all, that it's not all in vain, that there is some higher power making sense of it all when it all seems like meaningless bullshit to us.

Had a great day today, had the girls around for mothers group, had a massage and had a nanna nap this afternoon. I am still a little bit scared of not being able to sleep, but it's getting less and I am a lot better. Went and had dinner with some lovely friends, Darren and Kate, and they have a little boy Roree who is 3 months older than Alex. It was lovely. Just sitting around talking crap and laughing...one of those lovely evenings which you can never plan.

I feel very lucky to be alive. Which is so nice because for so long I didn't care either way. 2008 IS the year of victory!

Monday, January 21, 2008

Dance music

Hey all,

Well this week just gone has been very very lazy, cause of my sore back all I did was sit around and watch dvds and videos! On Saturday while Richard was working out in the shed on his car, I sat and watched almost all of my "This Life" vid, it was good. Reminded me of what I used to be like, what my life was like when I was a singleton in Canberra. A bit scary really. Being married has changed me a lot, and most of it is for the better. No more smoking or drinking or excessive swearing. I like to think I'm a bit less judgemental but who knows.

I also viewed "Girls just want to have fun" almost two times! Oh...I was so excited when the DVD came and I could catapult myself back into the eighties. It got me quite nostalgic about when I was going to sleepovers, when I was 10 and 11. Life seemed so much simpler then. It did bring home to me some of the bad points about "girls just wanna" that I had never considered before. SJP was sposed to be 16 and in her final year of highschool, or second final....and was sneaking out of her house in Chicago to go and meet a boy. I've been to Chicago and I thought it was quite scary in parts, so I can certainly understand her parent's desire to keep her safe at home. But it's easy to see her side of it too. Being a parent now, you can see that the parents portrayed in movies aren't so bad as they seemed when you were a kid. Parenting is not an exact science and it's something that I fail at daily........I don't hit the mark of the kind of parent I always thought I'd be. But then I've always been the kind of person who thinks getting fit or going on a diet would be fun, but only if I did it with a movie-style montage of daily walks or speeded up progress. I'm all for the ideas but the actual follow-through....hmmm...not so much. Several abandoned gym memberships and weightloss company memberships are evidence to that fact.

Intentions are great, but the proof is in the doing. If you think about your friends all the time but never call them, you're not really a good friend.

My challenge this week is to not buy any other food than what I have in the house. I think that's where we are spending a bit of money. I always like to think that money's for spending and show my love by showering people with food. Not literally. hehe.

anyway, that's it for me for this monday. Alex is gorgeous and so cute. He went back to daycare today and I really missed the little guy. Lots of changes are afoot in the Hay household. Will have to update soon!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Should be in bed alseep

hello all - I'm sitting here looking on stuff on the puter, which is silly cause I should be in bed! I am thinking that i need to start shopping with a menu plan in place so I just don't go to the shops and get ten million loads of stuff, but then get home and realise I've got no milk or butter or something.

But just as I go to look up these very things on the internet, somehow my mouse clicks onto www.perez.com and facebook and oh dear......I spend ages on the net doing not much.

Poor little Alex was crying out a while ago, I was wondering what it was and then I went in to see and our little kitten, Ricki, was jumping up and down on him. Naughty girl, she is!

I originally only got up cause i really had to read the last few pages of the book i was reading. Gosh it was good. Nothing I love more than a good book, one that drags you in and involves you.
I am now going to go be involved with my bed. yay!

Good night!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Ow ow ow.....hurt my back


A lovely picture of my gorgeous Hubby and gorgeous baby (pre-haircut). I'll have to get a post haircut one for you all to see!

Well hello everyone. My whinge tonight is about my lower back and its inability to perform certain functions! Mum and Dad had a look at it on Sunday and said it's my sciatic nerve or something, something to do with picking up a 12 kilo toddler all the time. Damn. It sure hurts. I have been trying to lay off the painkillers, especially while I have been looking after Alex. The last two days, in the afternoon, I've been going and laying down with my heat pack (which makes things a bit sweaty cos of the heat), two pain pills and a book. Most arvos I doze off, which is wonderful. I love an afternoon nanna nap.

Hoping this gets better by the weekend. I have been sticking close to home today. Had a visit from my lovely Sister in Law, Catherine.....we ate a bit of chocolate together..hehe. She even let me drive her new car! Wahey! Then my lovely Mother in Law, Glad, showed up, we talked for a bit and ate some watermelon. I had a lovely long conversation with Mum, reviewing all my angsty feelings and getting some much needed support. My family are so lovely. I feel lucky to be part of such a supportive family and family in law.



As for the little boy, he has been very cute today, has been climbing a lot and taken to climbing into his pram and highchair. He is very clever and needs a lot of watching at the moment. He's so gorgeous (see picture!) and I feel very glad to be his mummy.


Lots of love to you all.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Chevy Chase and feeling a bit better

So yesterday's post was pretty dire. Things weren't going well in the world of Deb. I think sometimes I need to get to that point and lose it completely before things get any better. There is a lot to be excited about in my life. There is also heaps to be sad about, but that's true of anyone. The point is that I can't change anything that has been by dwelling on it or using it as proof that crap happens to nice people (well I think I'm nice!) If anything, by dwelling on the hard time we've had in the past year or so, it gives that more power. The only way to get through this is to take a positive step now and again. Stop saying "it's not fair" and accept it. Life goes on and someday this will all be a bad memory. A story I can tell someone when they are in deep emotional trouble, of how it all got better, eventually.

I don't think I am going to have any more kids though. Alex will have to be an only child! Luckily he has lots of cousins and kiddies his age in the church.

I just finished reading Chevy Chase's authorised biography....it was kind of interesting, but the lady so had the hots for him, all she did was blabber on and on about how handsome and charismatic he was bla bla bla. It's funny cause I grew up with Chevy Chase as this goofy old dude who was in movies. I looked at some of the photos in the biography, and she's right - he was quite good looking. Quit with the shameless bum kissing though, lady! And it was all very factual and not..hmm.....didn't flow that well. It was one of those books that you finish reading cause you keep thinking it's going to get better. But it didnt'! I quite enjoyed the anecdote of him standing up at an awards dinner and going off about how George W Bush was a moron who's made very bad decisions. My respect for C.C. went up after that. I am sure he is glad, a 30 something mum in Australia respects him more, phew!

While I'm talking about books, I have to say that one of my favourite authors' last book was really really disappointing. The first time I ever read a Marian Keyes book, I was sold. I just re-read "Lucy Sullivan is getting married" and I remember why I loved it so much. Also loved "Watermelon", "Rachel's Holiday" and the other one about Angels. But gah......"Is there anybody out there".....very very disappointing. It attempts to tell the story of the remaining Walsh sisters, Helen and Anna......but it's really unsatisfying and hollow. Everyone is a caricature.....especially her sister Rachel, some sort of AA nut, which is disappointing. There are normal people in AA, or so I'm led to believe. Her sister Claire, whose story was told in Watermelon, comes across as some tragic forty something who won't accept her real age....not the Claire we met in Watermelon.

Anna you kind of feel sorry for, but don't get much of an idea about what she really thinks, she seems to have her introspection removed. And don't get me started on Helen. She comes across as harsh, two dimensional and kind of ....sad..... really. I mean what 29 year old woman with any self respect continues to live with her parents and avoid any sort of responsibility? Something very wrong there. You'd think that she'd grow up somewhat during the course of all those books. The sisters, and the mother and father, seem to not only respect her choices, but encourage her. I think if she'd just stuck to telling Anna's story, that would have been fine...but she has included longer and longer emails from Helen and her mum, which strikes me as a bit of a cop-out. Just stick an unfeasible story from Helen in an email and you don't need to fill those four pages with character development. Helen is a character who I care very little about, and frankly felt annoyed everytime an email from her took up a page or two. I felt like saying "enough with the Helen, give her another book!".

Ahh...now I feel horribly guilty cause I really do love Marian. I just think she got it way wrong here. Anyone else?

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Absolutely bloody insane and massive dose of the "can't be bothereds"

Ok, so I have been having a few not so crash hot days. I love my family and my life and I have so much to be grateful for, but I'm really having a bit of trouble feeling it.

I am a Christian, and believe in God and all that jazz, but I have been having massive problems with forgiving him for the terrible year that I had last year. How am I supposed to trust him and believe this year will be great when he let me go through the torture and hell that last year was? I am so mad at him that I can't be bothered to pray or read the bible or anything. I feel so cross. And I know that I'm not the only one who's felt like this, that other people have probably felt the same when people they love die or a big upheaval happens.....but I am remaining defiant and probably hurting myself more in the process. I can't imagine ever not believing in God...and I know that I want to believe in him, but my concept of right and wrong has taken a big knock lately. How could God let this happen to me and my family? Why can't everything be happy and jolly all the time? Damn you God, I feel like screaming.

And then I feel guilty because I'm sure that other people don't feel like this and that if I just put my faith in God then everything will be ok. Well I don't feel like that is true either...because when I started getting really sick with Post Natal Depression last year, I thought if I just kept believing and trusting in God then I would get better, or at least I would get some sort of sign from God to keep on going. And I didn't!! All I got was nothing. Worse than nothing, despair and sadness and FEAR. If trusting in God leads me there, then why would I want to ever trust God again? But I know that I can't not believe in God. So how do I reconcile the torment that has been my life in the past year with the love that I'm sposed to believe that God has for me? I don't get it. I hate him sometimes. And I know that all that is doing is creating a bitterness in me that grows and hurts me.

How come other people have massive earth shaking things happen to them and it strengthens their faith? Why am I so weak and untrusting? I don't feel like it is a choice that I can make. I feel like if I'm not pissed off with God then I'm not being true to myself.

I am very grateful for my wonderful son, my gorgeous husband and my amazing extended family who have helped me get through the past 16 months. I just would like a lightning bolt, a neon sign from above saying that my faith has healed me.....but that's impossible cause I don't feel like I have any faith left. I feel jaded and tired and sick of trying. Why should I bother?

Sorry this is not more uplifting and about pop culture or amusing things Alex does. I am not going to do anything silly, I am just looking for answers. But, strangely enough, I don't want to do anything to get them. I want them to come to me. I want life to be an episode of "Twin Peaks", that doesn't make sense, but a dwarf comes to me in a dream and reveals everything. Bring me a piece of Cherry Pie too!

I'm sure tomorrow I will wake up feeling more accepting. I have been back down again for a couple of days, probably since thursday. New week's gotta be better.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Dreadful end to the crazy day!

Oh dear.....I am being most irrational today. Not good. I hate fighting, yet I seem to be so good at it. Why is that? You know, I can always think up something horrible to say or a way to put the other person down. Maybe it's my unhappy teenage years spent whiling the hours away thinking up horrible insults to say to the blonde surfie chicks who called me names.

I remember I had some Dolly and Girlfriend magazines, and I had brought them along to the rehearsals of the musical I was in. I thought that would make me pretty popular, so imagine my distress when I heard a few of the surfie chicks say to each other "oh....magazines...cool! Whose are they?" "I think they belong to that fat chick"...........yes...that is the stuff that angst is made of.

I also remember another time where I was walking along the school corridors feeling a little insecure (I had pulled one side of my hair up with a comb and thought I looked ok). I walked past the friends of the latest guy I had a crush on and one of them yelled out "Ya fat piece of sh1t!". Again - angsty!!

Isn't it funny that I still remember that? Or is it just creepy. I also remember the time that the group I was sitting with at lunchtime, one of the girls said that the group had decided that I and two other girls were not welcome to sit with them anymore (I think we were dragging the cool-ness average down).......Oh the horror! And the revenge I plotted to avenge this rejection! Alas, none of it came to fruition. One of the girls who was also kicked out took this badly and ignored me from then on. She is now one of my friends on Facebook. Isn't life funny!

A crazy crazy day!

So yesterday was a very very full on day! I decided that I would go to the gym, and I needed about 1,000,000 pieces of crap to make that journey...eg, Alex's nappy bag containing a change of clothes, something to eat, nappies, wipes, bonjela (which is stuff to put on their teeth when they are teething), then my gym bag, containing a change of clothes and a towel, my bag, car keys, purse, mobile, ten million bits of paper, my shopping list.....I refuse to be one of those ladies who carry a nappy bag and use that as a handbag. Even if it's a really funky leather nappy bag. I carry my own bag most of the time to show that I have an identity distinct from mother and crappy nappy changer. hehe. (a lady said that once and I thought it was a good idea, so I decided to copy her)

Once I had exited the building with ten thousand pieces of baby and mother paraphenalia, the cat shot past my foot and ran back into the house. This is a problem as she hasn't taken to toilet training and likes to pee on the lounge and poo in corners. we have enough problems with lavatorial smells without encouraging them! This is the same cat who, as I was changing the stinky nappy mentioned in my earlier post, squatted in readiness for a fecal or urinal discharge. The same cat who I reached over and THUMPED. So I was stressed out about trying to get out the door and the piddling cat runs in, adding to my stress. AAAAAAAAAAAh!! I loaded Alex and the thirty million bits of crap into the car, put the aircon on and ran inside to flush the intruder out of the house. She kept running under things and I got so annoyed, I started yelling at her and finally I cornered her, and threw her down the back end of the house, opening the back sliding door so that she could get out and go to the toilet (theoretically).

Then I had huge remorse for yelling at and thumping the cat, I want everyone to like me, especially kittens. hehe. So I ran back into the back end of the house through the sliding door to pat this kitty and reassure her. She backed away like I was a scary monster, which was good for the ego. I eventually calmed her down and patted her and gave her a treat. Yes, it is true that all problems can be solved by food means.

ok, so I'm on my way to the gym.....when we get there, Alex continues to be very upset and I am very surprised, as he usually whinges a bit but once he sees the sandpit and the bike and everything, he's right into it. Yesterday he didn't want to leave me and cried heaps when I handed him to the creche lady. Naturally, I thought he would be fine once he'd settled down and went to walk on the tready. However, the lady came back in and said "he won't settle, we can't put him down"...and I went back in and he grabbed me and wouldn't let go. Poor bub. He wouldn't let the ladies put him down, and there's only 2 of them for about 11 or so kids. So I was going to have a big workout and go grocery shopping...and I couldn't do either. He was so fussy, poor little boy. So I did what I always do and went and saw mum! She and nan were having a quiet day at home and I told mum about Alex being cranky and fussy and she agreed to keep him while I did the shopping.

It's bizarre, but even though I find it very full on going shopping with him, will he have a tantrum, will he scream and cry and everyone will look at me, I still miss him when I go shopping without him. Go figure. Motherhood is one strange profession!

I have more details, breaking my day down in minutae, but I can't be bothered to type them. Today we've been cleaning....or I've been cleaning, and Alex has been whingeing.......but now he's happier. Mum came over, like the legend she is and helped me out a bit this afternoon... Alex and I went for a walk to the library and post office....it was stinkingly hot and all I want to do is lay down...but my darling son has an excess of energy and wants to run around the house sticking foreign objects where they do not belong. hehe. I'm sure I'll look back on these days as happy ones.....but not quite yet!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Monday was housework day. How thrilling (note sarcasm)..

Yup, so yesterday I got all motivated and did three, count them three, loads of washing! stripped the bed and changed the sheets.... unpacked the dishwasher, roamed around and picked up toys and bits and pieces. I hate it so much but I must admit that the end result is soo good. Makes me feel like I have truimphed. Triumph over the house to Xena the warrior princess!

Oh dear. I think I smell that smell, the lovely smell that we know as..."nappy change time". Richard did the first nappy for the day and when he'd changed it, he said "hmm, that was a pretty small one. Wouldn't be surprised if there was more to come". hehe. It doesn't seem to be bothering Alex too much, he's climbing all over his toy tractor as if he has not a care in the world. So now I must go and attack him....bring him kicking and screaming into the nursery, rip off his clothes, tussle with his flailing limbs, rip his nappy off, and keep him from grabbing his nappy and spraying poo everywhere, keep his hands away from his pooey bum while holding his legs in one hand and trying to wipe with the other. After the tanty, he will smile and toddle away happily. I however, will shake my head and hope that other mothers find it as hard as I do....or am I just crap at it? Oh, the insecurity of motherhood. It would be great if you could take a course and had a manual. As people keep saying to me, you make it up as you go along...whatever suits you and the baby is the best thing, not what other people think.

There is a lady I know who is very competitive with her baby and always pushing her to get to the next milestone and gloating if/when she does. I hope her baby doesn't grow up with some sort of inferiority complex. Although sometimes I do, and think ha ha ha, that would serve you right. What a nasty person!

One of my fabulous good friends from Melbs rang last night, she is part of the gang of four of us from ANU in 1994 (that means I have known her for 14 years, truly scary!)....and she is up the duff!! very exciting! Cause no matter how great your mothers group friends are, it is always wonderful when someone you have known forever has a bub......you feel like you can really unleash what you truly think. I am so excited for them! I've told her she has to have a girl so that she and Alex can get married. Not that I'm a pushy mum either...... :)

Today I'm off to the gym and grocery shopping. Grocery shopping is always something that requires a bit of girding of the loins, it requires preparation (a list, Alex's bag full of food and drink) and determination. He hates being tied down at the moment and being stuck in a trolley is no exception. My gorgeous cousin Hayley came along with me last week and helped to entertain Alex. She's so great. Today, alas I am Hayley-less and must muddle along solo. I usually let him play with the keys if he gets really upset, or resort to opening a packet of biscuits and giving him one.

Hmm, best go as that smell is starting to linger. Have a great day everyone!

Sunday, January 6, 2008

It's official, I have the sh1ts......for no particular reason

So I have been really grumpy today. I am just having one of those "oh I can't be bothered" days....and they are ok if you don't have kids and a house to run.....but when there are still nappy bags to be prepared and dishes to be done and running around after kiddies... Today I just wasn't in the mood. Richard was wonderful, he looked after Alex at church, cause he toddles around all over the place and gets into everything. Alex that is, not Richard. Ha. crap joke.
Anyhoo.....I feel tired and exhausted and cranky and I don't feel like doing anything and I just want to relax and not do anything, but then if I relax and don't do anything i feel horrendously GUILTY! and what is that all about? I reckon you give birth to a major serve of guilt along with bubs. I cracked it at about 5.30 over nothing in particular and announced that I needed to lie down. Felt a bit better after a little lay down/nap....but still tired and out of sorts.
I really enjoy having Richard around on the weekend and the load being shared. I love looking after Alex but at times I find him so full on, I just want to press pause and take a breath!
Ahhh...anyway......tomorrow's another day and I'm sure that things will be much better then. I may even manage a smile or two! hehe.
I think the stinky hot weather doesn't help either...nor does trying to eat healthy....I believe I have a major chocolate addiction and I'm without my drug at the moment! as they say in the country, she'll be right. Love to everyone and especially Lizzy G and her fam...love you girlfriend. :)

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Hot hot hot, just for a change!

Well today was another stinker. I'm trying to make sure I eat well and exercise more in 2008, so Richard and Alex and I all decided to walk to the shops and back (hmm, that seems to be all I do!).....that was nice. We have booked the Bourne Ultimatum for tonight.

Yesterday I ended up going over to Mum and Dad's place to have lunch with Mum and Nan. We hung out and Alex was being very cute. Got home and there was time for Alex to have a nap and me to sit down with a tall glass of iced water and the latest copy of Who. Mum's got me hooked, I always used to be a NW gal, but have changed. I'm trying to convince Richard to get us a subscription so I don't spend too much money on magz.

Our friends Darren and Kate and their beautiful bub Roree will be coming over later this arvo to have a swim in the pool. The kids love the pool so much, it's gorgeous.

Apart from that I have been finally emailing people who I've put off replying to for ages...not cause I didn't want to talk to them but cause it seemed like too much effort. I am such a procrastinator at times. Or all the time. hehe.

Alex is asleep and I am reading Jason Donovan's biography. It's quite interesting and he's very frank. I like that in a book. hmmm I think I could fall asleep but I fear that Alex will awake soon. Best to stay up. I'm fairly happy today. Yay!