Tuesday, March 25, 2008

There's no escaping it - we are moving!

Oh deary me....so yes, we are moving. Mum came over today and helped Richard and I start to pack. Richard has now caught the "packing bug" and the back of our house is littered with boxes. We are also finding stuff that we haven't seen in years! I found a 2006 calendar, where I have counted the weeks that I'm pregnant......counting down to the big 40 weeks! Which was actually the big 38 weeks......Mr Alexander decided that he would come early and disrupt his daddy's attempts to get a forklift license. Not that he did - Richard still got the license and took me to Shep hospital soon after.

Man that paragraph is disordered and full of lots of different thoughts. Hmm.

Our cat Chloe, keeps going to sleep in Alex's room. She hates Alex most of the time, runs away from him, so it is gorgeous to see her seeking some alone time with him! I love going in there to get him and seeing her sleek and sleepy in the corner. How I love cats. Some days I wish I was a cat....sleep all day and eat.....and nobody really cares too much if you're big and fat. You don't have to worry about having a bad hair day or putting on makeup.

I am also thinking about the blaming God thing for my Post Natal Depression. Does God want me to be unhappy? No...I am sure he doesn't. But he does want me to be of use to him...and perhaps before I had been through this, I was too selfish and self involved. I had no idea about real pain and suffering, about real grief. Perhaps God is giving me a chance to better myself and move forward. If I have a choice, I do want to believe in God. I do want to have a relationship with him. I have tried hating him and ignoring him....it doesn't work for me. I know that God is there, the bastard (joking people) and I know that he has things for me to do. I just have to take the next step forward and keep believing that one day it will be noice. I am still not so great at the moment....I still feel afraid of a lot of stuff, not sleeping well, don't feel like me, often feel like I am existing somewhere else when I am in a group situation, find it hard to contribute to conversations, love Alex but feel very confused about what I am supposed to do with him, find it difficult to be, find it difficult to get motivated to get out of the house, find it hard to cook meals, have no energy to clean the house, find decisions hard, fear the future, bla bla bla bla blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

But enough about me, how about you? What do you think about me??? (I will give a shiny $2 coin to the first person to name the movie that's from.......email me at deborah_in_canberra@hotmail.com)

and yes...I know I am no longer in Canberra. Thank you!~

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