Sunday, February 24, 2008

It's gone....all gone

I decided to delete my bitchy post as it wasn't uplifting. It's one thing to think stuff, another to write it in a public forum in a place where I know that others will be looking.

I have been quite cantankerous all weekend and think it's time to move on to the positive side....asking why why why isn't going to change things. I am excited about going to Brisbane but hope I don't look too blubberous in the photos. A major dietary and exercise change is coming after said hols!

I feel quite cross with some people...I guess I feel like people should make more of a fuss over me. I feel left out, which is silly.....who am I including and why do other people have to make all the effort? Because I said so, that's why! hehe. I am aware that I am being irrational so am trying to keep away from people until the storm passes.

Must go and read the paper and sit with my lovely hubby (who weathers a lot of stormy weather from me!!)

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

It's tricky to rock around, to rock around that's right, I said it's TRICKYYYYYYYYYYYYYY...

I open today's post with a Beastie boys song that has been in my head all of today. I think of my lovely friend Suzanne when I sing it, as we would often be silly and sing that song together.... oh and I can remember being on the podium of my favourite nightclub and thinking I was pretty darn cool, dancing away to that song, in the vain hope that some nice guy would see me and decide I was the one that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

Luckily I did not have to employ such methods to coax Richard into a such an agreement. I feel that perhaps if I had jumped onto a podium and done that at my sister Jen's wedding, where I first got to dance with him.....that he may have been too embarassed for me to ask me out.

Oh do shut up, Deborah. enough random silliness for today. hehe.

I have been browsing Facebook, like you do, and have discovered a whole clutch of old schoolfriends. I discovered the boy that both of my friends went out with in year 7, 1988...not at the same time though. I decided not to add him because I hardly said two words to him. I am trying earnestly to find my dear schoolfriend Kim Kaczmarek, but I fear that she has changed her name and is not on facebook.

I have got a bit of a tan from walking around town with Alex in the pram, as usually my skin tone is quite white. It does serve as a bit of a problem, cause when I put my foundation on, it's quite white and my skin isn't really. Maybe I need to buy more foundation? Yay, beauty products bonanzaaaaaaaaa!

Alex has just started to stir from his nap, so I will go and clutch him to my bosom and at some stage throughout this afternoon, will also cook a quiche and vaccum the floor. How's that for excitement?!?!?!

Snaps to my sister Woodie for sitting through a 5 hour lecture. Crivens! That's just not nice.

Monday, February 18, 2008

How bad do you want it?

I was thinking today, I whinge and moan that I can't lose any weight, but am I really trying? I continually think about sweets and things that are bad for my figure - I have the craziest sugar cravings and they rule my head. All day, while Alex is crying or playing or whatever, I think "soon I can have a piece of cake or a biscuit" sometimes I think "soon I can have a carrot stick or a piece of fruit". Not often though. I need a major overhaul in my thoughts, but I can't be bothered. It all seems like too much hard work. I guess they call it fast food for a reason!

Alex really annoyed me this morning. I was going to be early for daycare today, except he found some italian dressing in the fridge (yes this technically makes me a bad mother for letting him play with it), and spilled it all over himself. Then when I grabbed him and was trying to clean it up, he did one of those lovely tantrum-esq back thrusts and wouldn't stand on his legs so I could get his pants off. I was trying to remove his clothes so I didn't trail italian dressing all the way down the hall. I yelled "stand up! Stand UP! STAND UPPPPPPPPPPP!!" and of course, he cried. Ugh, I felt so low. Poor bubba. He is going through this really full on clingy and violent phase, where he tries to throw things at other kids, to push people, to smack people and just go limp, dead weight, and thrust around. It's so full on. Sometimes I just lose it and yell. Then I felt bad cause I bet the neighbours can hear and I hope they're not telling people "oh that Hay woman really lost it this morning"....

I am now going to go and run a nice soaky bath and relax into it, then have a rest. I was in the shop before buying somg glad wrap (fascinating, I know), and I was thinking "bloody this, bloody that, ugh I'm so fat, why did I yell at Alex, stupid glad wrap" know, positive stuff like that? And then I pulled myself up. This time last year I couldn't even go to the shop by myself. This time last year I was nearly back in hospital again. That reminded me of the trips to the little shop over the road when I was in the pysch hospital in Albury. They became the highlight of the day and a time when I'd stare at other people in the shops and think "I wish I was you...I wish I had your life....I wish I was SANE and not crippled by this mass depression". Well now I am pretty much almost back there and I am complaining about Glad wrap? I mean, get some perspective, woman!

So today is brought to you by the word "perspective".

Saturday, February 16, 2008


Hello, good afternoon and welcome to my nightmare.

I have had post natal depression for 17 months now. I have been on lots of different medications to try and normalise me. The one that I've been on for about eight months is a combination of lithium and nortriptoline, which is an old fashioned tryciclic antidepressant. Lithium is a mood stabliser.

Now I have never been a small girl, standing at just under six foot tall, I usually weigh about 90-100 kilos, depending on how I am going. When I fell pregnant with Alex, I weighed 93kgs, and I got to about 116 with him on board. I was back down to 101 a couple of weeks after I'd had him. I then lost heaps of weight and went down to about 90 because I couldn't eat due to mass anxiety.

I was about 100 kilos before I went home from hospital in June last year, and have been trying to get that weight off ever since I've been home. Nothing has worked. My weight has been steadily climbing, from 103 to 105 to my all time high of 107 just recently. I am so upset and I feel like I hate my body at times. The effort that I had to put in to lose weight when I wasn't on this medication is needed at all times for me not to put on weight. The moment i have a sugar fix or eat unhealthily, I see it on the scales. I hate it so much. I feel disgusting.

We are off to Brisbane in two weeks time and I DO NOT FEEL GOOD ABOUT SEEING OLD FRIENDS WHEN I LOOK LIKE THIS. I feel like a fat pig. I feel like a failure. I feel like a waste of space. I don't feel attractive, I don't feel like I matter. So guess what that makes me feel like doing? Eating lots. Which is great, self defeating and all the rest. I know I need to stick to a sensible diet but it is so frigging hard! I just feel like, "what's the sodding point of it all as I'm only going to put on more weight?!?" gaaaaaaaaaaah.

Hello to Sara! thanks for reading my blog :)

Friday, February 15, 2008

Our minister has started calling me "BIG RED"!! this week's installment of my blog finds me slightly annoyed that the minister of our church thinks he is able to call me big red. I hate being called big red, I hated it all through school and I particularly hate it now. I do not mind being called "red", as I quite enjoy being a redhead....but why the "big" part? He has a wife and kids.....two of whom are girls....surely he knows that it is NOT ok for anyone to call a girl/woman "big"! (Unless she introduces herself as such). I find it so insulting. (I just wrote him an email to say "thanks but no thanks!')

Richard's boss when he was working for Case here in Finley, called me "Big Red" at a social function and I burst into tears. (was about four years ago) I am sure it wasn't meant in a horrible manner....but ahhh it brings back so many horrid school memories. At school, they also called me "Big Betty", from Betty on Hey Dad - she was the silly secretary with red hair. I wanted to get some sort of revenge on them all and show up at the school reunion looking fabulous or turn up with a really hot guy at our graduation....but never quite got around to it.

I reckon being a teenager is horrible. Your face and body are out of control, you have all these hormones....blah! I have always wanted to be cool - wanted to be acceptable. I have had varying degrees of success, but most of my victories have been empty cause I didn't really believe that I was worth it. I'm still working on that. But since Alex has come along, I have made a lot of progress in that area. I've grown in patience...I've had to! I have also realised that I have to do the right thing for Alex and Richard and I, and stuff everyone else. Well, not quite, but you do get a lot of advice when you've a little one.

Bla bla bla, what else? Hmm, I have been thinking about my beautiful little boy and how in love with him I am. Can't believe that the Post Natal Depression was so horrid that I just wanted him to go away! I associated the feelings I was having with him being there and just wanted it all to go away. It has been a slow process....I still feel guilty about feeling like that....but it was what it was, I can't change it by wishing it away. Lots of women get PND.

I really enjoy my mothers group. The girls in it are so much fun and I really feel at home with them. We're all similar in some respects and different in others. Everyone has found having a bub to be a massive upheaval! Hmmm....not much else to report, other than the fact that we are going to Bribane! Yay! In about two weeks. Can't wait.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Massive post and massive proctrastination!

So I wrote a massive post and guess what happened then? Alex pulled the cord out of the wall and the computer went dead. No more post. I was putting together a list of 10 happy songs...and that will get there. Sometime soon, perhaps over the weekend.

I have been looking at sooo much internet. Cannot be good for me...but it seems to be what I've been doing lately when I am tired and trying to muster up the enthusiasm for work. I very much would like to be amusing and witty but ooh....I'm a bit tired for all that today. Alex has gone for a sleep...and I think I need a little nap too. We went to the park this morning and I let go of him too soon on the slide, poor little man ended up eating some bark. He was very upset. Poor boy! I gave him a big cuddle and he soon settled down. It's a learning curve all right!

I've been trying to stay in better touch with some of my friends who don't live here. I have been corresponding a bit with my friend suz and she gave me this new website address -, and another one , which was particularly good as I missed the last episode of America's next top model. yeah.

Richard and Alex and I are going to go to Brisbane in about a month, which is really exciting as I'll get to see my best friend Jen and another schoolfriend Renae, who is pregnant. I haven't seen Jen for about 3 years and Renae for about 10. It is also a bit scary cause I will have to appear on a beach. So the diet has gone into warp factor nine. Why am I so addicted to sugar? hmmm.

I am about to fall asleep, but luckily I do not have to read Calvin like my poor sister Angela. I am going to read a trashy mag/book and lie on my bed with a heat pack on my belly. Yes, it's that time. mmmm.