Friday, July 30, 2010

In the right type of mood

Awwww yeah.  This week has been a spectacular dietary fail.  Most of you who are my facebook friends know that I"m on a weight loss and health gain crusade - it started in December, when my BMI was 37 and was almost morbidly obese.  Since then, I've lost nearly 18kg and my BMI is now around 29, which means that I'm almost overweight and not obese! hurrah!! 

Except, last week, I was soooo good.....except for Friday, when the killer flu hit.  I've been being Ms activity-pants, and unpacking, cleaning the old house, running playgroup, looking after Alex, sharing babysitting with my friend Marianne, exercising lots and generally being a new improved version of me!!  But, on Friday, I had nooo energy. I was supposed to go to Melbourne to see my friend Michele, but I couldn't imagine getting on a train and walking around Melbs in my weakened state. I couldn't even find the energy to lift the makeup brush!!  So, I drowned my sorrows in cake.  And, on Saturday morning, when I discovered I'd put on nearly a kilo overnight, I decided I was too sick to face bad news.   Then, I used feeling yucky as an excuse to eat badly.....I started each day with the resolve to STOP THE INSANITY, but then by about 3pm, was face down in a bucket of slops.  Mmm, that's a nice mental image, innit?

So - I weighed in on Monday and discovered that the kilo I'd put on Saturday morning had brought a friend to the party in my tummy and I was now carrying two extra kilos.  This put my weight loss back to 15kg :(  So, Monday, after my meeting, I ate a Whopper and had a McFlurry to make me feel better.  Yeah. writing it down, it doesn't seem to make much sense, but at the time, it seemed like a perfect antidote for the flu and bad mood.  Feel bad because you put on weight? why not EAT LARD?  mmmm.

Tuesday and Wednesday, I was perfect.  Stuck to my points precisely, although with the sniffles and body aches, I didn't exercise at all.  Then....yesterday, I decided that I'd have a day in bed, with Alex being in daycare.  I haven't done that for ages, and it's all I wanted to do for the past week.  But.....instead of going to bed with a good book and some panadol, I took the good book, panadol, box of Delite crackers, damper roll, and slept.  Then, I followed that up with a slice of cheesecake from the new Muffin Break here in Kialla.  You know the silly thing? It wasn't even nice cheesecake and I didn't like it much.  But I ate the whole thing.  I guess it goes to show that there are pretty strong "feed me when I'm sick" vibes that I got growing up, and used to self medicate when I've been sick, growing up.  Often when I had the flu in Canberra, when I was single, I'd take to bed with chocolate, a magazine and a packet of Starbursts.  When I had pneumonia last year, I ate atrociously.  Put on about 5 kilos and felt so unhealthy.  Do I really want that for myself again? The answer is "no" - but this morning, something inside me said "you weigh in tomorrow, have a DAY OFF AGAIN AND EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT"!! 

I think I need to give that voice a whipping, because the only place listening to that voice got me, is morbidly obese, in a pit of shame and denial and extreme unhappiness.   It's a struggle.  And I think in some way, I gave myself permission to have a few days off, because I have been doing so well. But, normally, once I have a few days off, I can get back on track. But this time, it's been really hard.  I know what I want for myself but I don't want to put the work in.  And, as we all know, the definition of insanity is to do the same thing and expect a different result.  There are always going to be struggles and challenges, but if I let these things dictate my eating, then I can't expect to keep losing weight.  In fact, I will put back on weight and soon, be back where I started.  I have to learn from this struggle, and to say "ENOUGH" to these negative voices in my stick to my points and to focus on the goal ahead, to be a good role model to Alex and show him what healthy food looks like.

You know the killer? It's so much easier to eat crap.  Good, healthy food takes me a lot longer to prepare and organise. This week, when I have been running on empty, it's been so much easier not to chop up lots of veggies and make a soup with no points for snacks. It's been easier to turn to sugar to give me a lift instead of eating fruit and stuff that will fill me up.  I've bought chips twice this week rather than cook a potato.  I'm not going to beat myself up about it, but today...I've had two cups of strong coffee, a mental wake up call, and I'm ready to go into battle in the war against my wobbly bits.  Self love, here we come!!

I know this is too much information for a lot of people, but I find sharing keeps me accountable. I post on my Facebook account every time I lose weight, but often don't mention it when I gain or stay the same.  But, I'm throwing down the gauntlet - this is my struggle and my journey and I'm sure a lot of people are the same.  I need to share it if I want to move on and change.  Thanks for listening! :)