Vanilla sky

Well I sat and watched a bit of this movie when it was on, Tuesday morning and I was trying to clean up the house. I saw it with my friend Suzanne, I think, years ago.....when it first came out in 02 or 03? I think I saw it with Suz. Anyho...

At the time I hated the movie, thought it was a seinfeld movie, a movie about nothing, tom cruise's posturings and his silly spanish piece of fluff, bla bla bla.... but oh dear....tuesday it really got to me.

Tom's character is a serial romancer, who has a bed buddy, played by Cameron Diaz.....she is mega serious about him but he's not in the least bit serious about her. He also has a lovely friend played by Jason Lee, who never gets the chick, cause tommy boy is always getting the chick. Anyway, at a party at his house, one that he hasn't invited Cammy to....he meets Penelope Cruz's character, a spirited painter and dancer. Jason Lee has his eye on her but when they meet it's obvious that TC and PC like each other. Jason Lee takes him to one side and says "you could have anyone, why do you have to take the one I like?" Tom smiles but pursues her anyway, walking her home and save a kiss goodbye, saving their chemistry for later. He walks away and sees Cameron's character waiting in a car, wanting to talk to him.....she says, as friends...

So to prove he isn't a total a-hole, Tom gets in the car. she then goes ballistic and commits suicide by driving the car off a bridge, and injuring his beautiful face. He doesn't cope well with the change in his life....which is only that of perception. He's still the same person, but he believes that people don't see him as they used to. He believes that they feel sorry for him. He is so stuck and so sick that he believes that the only way out is Suicide. His emotions and perceptions are soooo ugly, he believes there is no way out for him, that anyone who wants to be in his life from now on is only doing so because they feel sorry for him. The film where he takes the pills, he is so desperate, so ugly in his fear, and so wrong about the rest of the world. People care about him but because he can't control how they see him anymore, he can't cope.

I cried and cried because this is something that I have struggled with so much in my postnatal depression. I believe anyone who wants to get to know me feels sorry for me and I want to control how they see me. I don't think I'm well enough yet, I don't think I'm perfect enough for anyone to love me or want me. All I see is my flaws...they cloud my perception of everything anyone else says or does. He had the windows shut and there was no light...there was no rest, there was no peace in ending his life. THere were people waiting to be his friend and to love him, but all he had to do was go outside. It would hurt for a while and be strange, but soon he could be a friend as well as have a friend. He could help other people who had been through the same thing. He could see that life is not a perfect tragectory and moving straight up, but that a lot of life is falling down (sometimes really hard) and getting back up and trying to walk again.

Much of our classic art and literature and music was composed by artists who were suffering, artists who knew pain and who tried to communicate this pain. Pain and suffering is not nice, not nice at all...but it can be the start of massive growth and maturity. It gives you character. Suicide is not the answer, not ever. There is always another chance, there is always another day.

Lots and lots of love to you all. and more songs soon!

Music is my emotional currency...

I think I have watched too many John Hughes films or something....but I just love music. I love having a song to associate with a moment. I mark periods of mass depression or upset with song. I also mark happiness with song and am never happier than when music is blaring. I hate showering without it, I hate working without it, I definitely hate driving without it.

Here are my top ten songs to be depressed to:
"dark star" - Suede
"halcyon and on"- Orbital
"silence" - Sarah McLachlan
"apologise" - Timbaland & One Republic
"touch me" - Rui DaSilva
"jackie" - Bz with Joanne (yes I do have a thing for crappy 90s dance music)
"love supreme" - Robbie Williams
"feel" - Robbie Williams
"you said that you would love only me" - not sure who sings this one...tried to find out on the internet and all I got was http://www.tuneid.com/312550-post1.html
"unbreak my heart" - Toni braxton

hmmm this is actually harder than I thought it would be....am trying to access hidden pockets of depressed music-listening

This has taken a lot longer than I thought it would and I will now publish this and tune in tomorrow for the happy songs!!

Kindergarten Cop

I have been thinking about this movie lately....my good friend Laura and her friend Michael quoted it all the time when we were at uni. Michael scared Laurs one night cause he rang her answering machine and said "His head is so big he can't wear any hats"....over and over in this high pitched voice. It's hilarious though....I love the bit where the kids talk about their dads, and the bit where the kiddies are going crazy, running all over the place....and he yells out "shhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuutt uuuuuuuuuuuuupppppppppp!"....and all the kids start crying and he's like.....oh dear. I think of that often, when Alex is refusing to go to sleep or something......I imagine myself yelling it. I never do it. Honest! I've probably yelled at him a handful of times, when he is doing something really naughty....and the look on his face....poor little man. Enough to make me never do it again!

I also bought "girls just wanna have fun" on dvd and I am sooooooooooooooooooo in love with that movie. I think cause I first saw it at a sleepover when I was about 10, and life was so simple back then. I just love it cause it's a movie where good truimphs over bad, where the girl gets the guy and they win! It would be interesting if they did a followup on that movie. Helen Hunt was soooo great as Lynne Stone. And I love the eighties music. So good.

I'm going to get my hair cut this week and I think I might go to Shepparton. I really want something that's funky and perhaps some layers or foils. Not too light though, light foils make me look scary. I need to find a hairdresser who does funky hairstyles for curly hair. My hair is very bizarre and does not behave how normal hair behaves.

Richard is watching I-robot and Alex is tugging at my foot. best go. byeeeeee xoxo

Back's getting better and going crafty!

Well I had a pretty good day today, made some biscuits and vacummed the floor twice. It was great. hehe. I was looking at Facebook today and it's always awkward when you see people that you've gone out with on there. Ugh. Makes me realise how young and dumb I was when I lived in Canberra. Always with the wanting approval thing.

Not that I'm fixed on that yet....still in counselling and that is going pretty well. I think there are just people who seem to be born without life's rule book and I am one of them. I have no male friends who aren't gay....I find it very difficult to talk to guys that aren't either my husband or related to me by marriage. I think it's got a bit to do with my personality and a bit to do with being one of three gals. Who knows.

Tonight I'm off to this craft night that they're holding at the church hall. Any of my friends who know me well will know how little I like craft, believing it to be a) boring and b) a time waster. But, there are lots of people here who like craft and I spose I shouldn't be craft-ist. If I get bored I can easily come home...Richard has taken Alex out to his parents farm for dinner. Which means yay, a no-cook night for me. Yipee!

Also, America's next top model is on tonight which is awesome. I love the trash. I'm off to Cobram tomorrow to GROCERY SHOP! Stop shouting, I hear you say.....heheh. Grocery shopping is one of my highlights for the week. I get to spend money and look at stuff. Yay!

Heath Ledger, how sad

http://perezhilton.com/2008-01-23-the-latest-on-the-heath-ledger-tragedy

Just checked Perez Hilton for his take on the sad news about Heath Ledger. Man....I can understand wanting to kill yourself, cause for a lot of last year, I felt like it was my only option. I had so much going for me and so many people who cared about me, but none of it could break through the darkness that I felt. I really wanted it to, but I just felt like if anyone who loved me knew how bad that I felt, that they would understand me not wanting to be around. It is so horrific that unless you have stood in someone with Major depression or a substance dependency issue's shoes....you can't really judge.

Still incredibly sad and he's so young! he's about six months younger than my little sister, Angela......my gosh.....he still had so much to do, so much to live for. At the end of the day it doesn't really matter what I think though......life goes on, doesn't it? Sometimes it's hard to make sense of it all......I remember that bit in Reality Bites where Ethan Hawke's character says something like "life is just a lottery of meaningless coincidences and a series of near misses".... That's sure what it seems like sometimes. I guess the thing with believing in God, we believe that there is a reason for it all, that it's not all in vain, that there is some higher power making sense of it all when it all seems like meaningless bullshit to us.

Had a great day today, had the girls around for mothers group, had a massage and had a nanna nap this afternoon. I am still a little bit scared of not being able to sleep, but it's getting less and I am a lot better. Went and had dinner with some lovely friends, Darren and Kate, and they have a little boy Roree who is 3 months older than Alex. It was lovely. Just sitting around talking crap and laughing...one of those lovely evenings which you can never plan.

I feel very lucky to be alive. Which is so nice because for so long I didn't care either way. 2008 IS the year of victory!

Dance music

Hey all,

Well this week just gone has been very very lazy, cause of my sore back all I did was sit around and watch dvds and videos! On Saturday while Richard was working out in the shed on his car, I sat and watched almost all of my "This Life" vid, it was good. Reminded me of what I used to be like, what my life was like when I was a singleton in Canberra. A bit scary really. Being married has changed me a lot, and most of it is for the better. No more smoking or drinking or excessive swearing. I like to think I'm a bit less judgemental but who knows.

I also viewed "Girls just want to have fun" almost two times! Oh...I was so excited when the DVD came and I could catapult myself back into the eighties. It got me quite nostalgic about when I was going to sleepovers, when I was 10 and 11. Life seemed so much simpler then. It did bring home to me some of the bad points about "girls just wanna" that I had never considered before. SJP was sposed to be 16 and in her final year of highschool, or second final....and was sneaking out of her house in Chicago to go and meet a boy. I've been to Chicago and I thought it was quite scary in parts, so I can certainly understand her parent's desire to keep her safe at home. But it's easy to see her side of it too. Being a parent now, you can see that the parents portrayed in movies aren't so bad as they seemed when you were a kid. Parenting is not an exact science and it's something that I fail at daily........I don't hit the mark of the kind of parent I always thought I'd be. But then I've always been the kind of person who thinks getting fit or going on a diet would be fun, but only if I did it with a movie-style montage of daily walks or speeded up progress. I'm all for the ideas but the actual follow-through....hmmm...not so much. Several abandoned gym memberships and weightloss company memberships are evidence to that fact.

Intentions are great, but the proof is in the doing. If you think about your friends all the time but never call them, you're not really a good friend.

My challenge this week is to not buy any other food than what I have in the house. I think that's where we are spending a bit of money. I always like to think that money's for spending and show my love by showering people with food. Not literally. hehe.

anyway, that's it for me for this monday. Alex is gorgeous and so cute. He went back to daycare today and I really missed the little guy. Lots of changes are afoot in the Hay household. Will have to update soon!

Should be in bed alseep

hello all - I'm sitting here looking on stuff on the puter, which is silly cause I should be in bed! I am thinking that i need to start shopping with a menu plan in place so I just don't go to the shops and get ten million loads of stuff, but then get home and realise I've got no milk or butter or something.

But just as I go to look up these very things on the internet, somehow my mouse clicks onto www.perez.com and facebook and oh dear......I spend ages on the net doing not much.

Poor little Alex was crying out a while ago, I was wondering what it was and then I went in to see and our little kitten, Ricki, was jumping up and down on him. Naughty girl, she is!

I originally only got up cause i really had to read the last few pages of the book i was reading. Gosh it was good. Nothing I love more than a good book, one that drags you in and involves you.
I am now going to go be involved with my bed. yay!

Good night!

Ow ow ow.....hurt my back

A lovely picture of my gorgeous Hubby and gorgeous baby (pre-haircut). I'll have to get a post haircut one for you all to see!

Well hello everyone. My whinge tonight is about my lower back and its inability to perform certain functions! Mum and Dad had a look at it on Sunday and said it's my sciatic nerve or something, something to do with picking up a 12 kilo toddler all the time. Damn. It sure hurts. I have been trying to lay off the painkillers, especially while I have been looking after Alex. The last two days, in the afternoon, I've been going and laying down with my heat pack (which makes things a bit sweaty cos of the heat), two pain pills and a book. Most arvos I doze off, which is wonderful. I love an afternoon nanna nap.

Hoping this gets better by the weekend. I have been sticking close to home today. Had a visit from my lovely Sister in Law, Catherine.....we ate a bit of chocolate together..hehe. She even let me drive her new car! Wahey! Then my lovely Mother in Law, Glad, showed up, we talked for a bit and ate some watermelon. I had a lovely long conversation with Mum, reviewing all my angsty feelings and getting some much needed support. My family are so lovely. I feel lucky to be part of such a supportive family and family in law.



As for the little boy, he has been very cute today, has been climbing a lot and taken to climbing into his pram and highchair. He is very clever and needs a lot of watching at the moment. He's so gorgeous (see picture!) and I feel very glad to be his mummy.


Lots of love to you all.

Chevy Chase and feeling a bit better

So yesterday's post was pretty dire. Things weren't going well in the world of Deb. I think sometimes I need to get to that point and lose it completely before things get any better. There is a lot to be excited about in my life. There is also heaps to be sad about, but that's true of anyone. The point is that I can't change anything that has been by dwelling on it or using it as proof that crap happens to nice people (well I think I'm nice!) If anything, by dwelling on the hard time we've had in the past year or so, it gives that more power. The only way to get through this is to take a positive step now and again. Stop saying "it's not fair" and accept it. Life goes on and someday this will all be a bad memory. A story I can tell someone when they are in deep emotional trouble, of how it all got better, eventually.

I don't think I am going to have any more kids though. Alex will have to be an only child! Luckily he has lots of cousins and kiddies his age in the church.

I just finished reading Chevy Chase's authorised biography....it was kind of interesting, but the lady so had the hots for him, all she did was blabber on and on about how handsome and charismatic he was bla bla bla. It's funny cause I grew up with Chevy Chase as this goofy old dude who was in movies. I looked at some of the photos in the biography, and she's right - he was quite good looking. Quit with the shameless bum kissing though, lady! And it was all very factual and not..hmm.....didn't flow that well. It was one of those books that you finish reading cause you keep thinking it's going to get better. But it didnt'! I quite enjoyed the anecdote of him standing up at an awards dinner and going off about how George W Bush was a moron who's made very bad decisions. My respect for C.C. went up after that. I am sure he is glad, a 30 something mum in Australia respects him more, phew!

While I'm talking about books, I have to say that one of my favourite authors' last book was really really disappointing. The first time I ever read a Marian Keyes book, I was sold. I just re-read "Lucy Sullivan is getting married" and I remember why I loved it so much. Also loved "Watermelon", "Rachel's Holiday" and the other one about Angels. But gah......"Is there anybody out there".....very very disappointing. It attempts to tell the story of the remaining Walsh sisters, Helen and Anna......but it's really unsatisfying and hollow. Everyone is a caricature.....especially her sister Rachel, some sort of AA nut, which is disappointing. There are normal people in AA, or so I'm led to believe. Her sister Claire, whose story was told in Watermelon, comes across as some tragic forty something who won't accept her real age....not the Claire we met in Watermelon.

Anna you kind of feel sorry for, but don't get much of an idea about what she really thinks, she seems to have her introspection removed. And don't get me started on Helen. She comes across as harsh, two dimensional and kind of ....sad..... really. I mean what 29 year old woman with any self respect continues to live with her parents and avoid any sort of responsibility? Something very wrong there. You'd think that she'd grow up somewhat during the course of all those books. The sisters, and the mother and father, seem to not only respect her choices, but encourage her. I think if she'd just stuck to telling Anna's story, that would have been fine...but she has included longer and longer emails from Helen and her mum, which strikes me as a bit of a cop-out. Just stick an unfeasible story from Helen in an email and you don't need to fill those four pages with character development. Helen is a character who I care very little about, and frankly felt annoyed everytime an email from her took up a page or two. I felt like saying "enough with the Helen, give her another book!".

Ahh...now I feel horribly guilty cause I really do love Marian. I just think she got it way wrong here. Anyone else?

Absolutely bloody insane and massive dose of the "can't be bothereds"

Ok, so I have been having a few not so crash hot days. I love my family and my life and I have so much to be grateful for, but I'm really having a bit of trouble feeling it.

I am a Christian, and believe in God and all that jazz, but I have been having massive problems with forgiving him for the terrible year that I had last year. How am I supposed to trust him and believe this year will be great when he let me go through the torture and hell that last year was? I am so mad at him that I can't be bothered to pray or read the bible or anything. I feel so cross. And I know that I'm not the only one who's felt like this, that other people have probably felt the same when people they love die or a big upheaval happens.....but I am remaining defiant and probably hurting myself more in the process. I can't imagine ever not believing in God...and I know that I want to believe in him, but my concept of right and wrong has taken a big knock lately. How could God let this happen to me and my family? Why can't everything be happy and jolly all the time? Damn you God, I feel like screaming.

And then I feel guilty because I'm sure that other people don't feel like this and that if I just put my faith in God then everything will be ok. Well I don't feel like that is true either...because when I started getting really sick with Post Natal Depression last year, I thought if I just kept believing and trusting in God then I would get better, or at least I would get some sort of sign from God to keep on going. And I didn't!! All I got was nothing. Worse than nothing, despair and sadness and FEAR. If trusting in God leads me there, then why would I want to ever trust God again? But I know that I can't not believe in God. So how do I reconcile the torment that has been my life in the past year with the love that I'm sposed to believe that God has for me? I don't get it. I hate him sometimes. And I know that all that is doing is creating a bitterness in me that grows and hurts me.

How come other people have massive earth shaking things happen to them and it strengthens their faith? Why am I so weak and untrusting? I don't feel like it is a choice that I can make. I feel like if I'm not pissed off with God then I'm not being true to myself.

I am very grateful for my wonderful son, my gorgeous husband and my amazing extended family who have helped me get through the past 16 months. I just would like a lightning bolt, a neon sign from above saying that my faith has healed me.....but that's impossible cause I don't feel like I have any faith left. I feel jaded and tired and sick of trying. Why should I bother?

Sorry this is not more uplifting and about pop culture or amusing things Alex does. I am not going to do anything silly, I am just looking for answers. But, strangely enough, I don't want to do anything to get them. I want them to come to me. I want life to be an episode of "Twin Peaks", that doesn't make sense, but a dwarf comes to me in a dream and reveals everything. Bring me a piece of Cherry Pie too!

I'm sure tomorrow I will wake up feeling more accepting. I have been back down again for a couple of days, probably since thursday. New week's gotta be better.

Dreadful end to the crazy day!

Oh dear.....I am being most irrational today. Not good. I hate fighting, yet I seem to be so good at it. Why is that? You know, I can always think up something horrible to say or a way to put the other person down. Maybe it's my unhappy teenage years spent whiling the hours away thinking up horrible insults to say to the blonde surfie chicks who called me names.

I remember I had some Dolly and Girlfriend magazines, and I had brought them along to the rehearsals of the musical I was in. I thought that would make me pretty popular, so imagine my distress when I heard a few of the surfie chicks say to each other "oh....magazines...cool! Whose are they?" "I think they belong to that fat chick"...........yes...that is the stuff that angst is made of.

I also remember another time where I was walking along the school corridors feeling a little insecure (I had pulled one side of my hair up with a comb and thought I looked ok). I walked past the friends of the latest guy I had a crush on and one of them yelled out "Ya fat piece of sh1t!". Again - angsty!!

Isn't it funny that I still remember that? Or is it just creepy. I also remember the time that the group I was sitting with at lunchtime, one of the girls said that the group had decided that I and two other girls were not welcome to sit with them anymore (I think we were dragging the cool-ness average down).......Oh the horror! And the revenge I plotted to avenge this rejection! Alas, none of it came to fruition. One of the girls who was also kicked out took this badly and ignored me from then on. She is now one of my friends on Facebook. Isn't life funny!

A crazy crazy day!

So yesterday was a very very full on day! I decided that I would go to the gym, and I needed about 1,000,000 pieces of crap to make that journey...eg, Alex's nappy bag containing a change of clothes, something to eat, nappies, wipes, bonjela (which is stuff to put on their teeth when they are teething), then my gym bag, containing a change of clothes and a towel, my bag, car keys, purse, mobile, ten million bits of paper, my shopping list.....I refuse to be one of those ladies who carry a nappy bag and use that as a handbag. Even if it's a really funky leather nappy bag. I carry my own bag most of the time to show that I have an identity distinct from mother and crappy nappy changer. hehe. (a lady said that once and I thought it was a good idea, so I decided to copy her)

Once I had exited the building with ten thousand pieces of baby and mother paraphenalia, the cat shot past my foot and ran back into the house. This is a problem as she hasn't taken to toilet training and likes to pee on the lounge and poo in corners. we have enough problems with lavatorial smells without encouraging them! This is the same cat who, as I was changing the stinky nappy mentioned in my earlier post, squatted in readiness for a fecal or urinal discharge. The same cat who I reached over and THUMPED. So I was stressed out about trying to get out the door and the piddling cat runs in, adding to my stress. AAAAAAAAAAAh!! I loaded Alex and the thirty million bits of crap into the car, put the aircon on and ran inside to flush the intruder out of the house. She kept running under things and I got so annoyed, I started yelling at her and finally I cornered her, and threw her down the back end of the house, opening the back sliding door so that she could get out and go to the toilet (theoretically).

Then I had huge remorse for yelling at and thumping the cat, I want everyone to like me, especially kittens. hehe. So I ran back into the back end of the house through the sliding door to pat this kitty and reassure her. She backed away like I was a scary monster, which was good for the ego. I eventually calmed her down and patted her and gave her a treat. Yes, it is true that all problems can be solved by food means.

ok, so I'm on my way to the gym.....when we get there, Alex continues to be very upset and I am very surprised, as he usually whinges a bit but once he sees the sandpit and the bike and everything, he's right into it. Yesterday he didn't want to leave me and cried heaps when I handed him to the creche lady. Naturally, I thought he would be fine once he'd settled down and went to walk on the tready. However, the lady came back in and said "he won't settle, we can't put him down"...and I went back in and he grabbed me and wouldn't let go. Poor bub. He wouldn't let the ladies put him down, and there's only 2 of them for about 11 or so kids. So I was going to have a big workout and go grocery shopping...and I couldn't do either. He was so fussy, poor little boy. So I did what I always do and went and saw mum! She and nan were having a quiet day at home and I told mum about Alex being cranky and fussy and she agreed to keep him while I did the shopping.

It's bizarre, but even though I find it very full on going shopping with him, will he have a tantrum, will he scream and cry and everyone will look at me, I still miss him when I go shopping without him. Go figure. Motherhood is one strange profession!

I have more details, breaking my day down in minutae, but I can't be bothered to type them. Today we've been cleaning....or I've been cleaning, and Alex has been whingeing.......but now he's happier. Mum came over, like the legend she is and helped me out a bit this afternoon... Alex and I went for a walk to the library and post office....it was stinkingly hot and all I want to do is lay down...but my darling son has an excess of energy and wants to run around the house sticking foreign objects where they do not belong. hehe. I'm sure I'll look back on these days as happy ones.....but not quite yet!

Monday was housework day. How thrilling (note sarcasm)..

Yup, so yesterday I got all motivated and did three, count them three, loads of washing! stripped the bed and changed the sheets.... unpacked the dishwasher, roamed around and picked up toys and bits and pieces. I hate it so much but I must admit that the end result is soo good. Makes me feel like I have truimphed. Triumph over the house to Xena the warrior princess!

Oh dear. I think I smell that smell, the lovely smell that we know as..."nappy change time". Richard did the first nappy for the day and when he'd changed it, he said "hmm, that was a pretty small one. Wouldn't be surprised if there was more to come". hehe. It doesn't seem to be bothering Alex too much, he's climbing all over his toy tractor as if he has not a care in the world. So now I must go and attack him....bring him kicking and screaming into the nursery, rip off his clothes, tussle with his flailing limbs, rip his nappy off, and keep him from grabbing his nappy and spraying poo everywhere, keep his hands away from his pooey bum while holding his legs in one hand and trying to wipe with the other. After the tanty, he will smile and toddle away happily. I however, will shake my head and hope that other mothers find it as hard as I do....or am I just crap at it? Oh, the insecurity of motherhood. It would be great if you could take a course and had a manual. As people keep saying to me, you make it up as you go along...whatever suits you and the baby is the best thing, not what other people think.

There is a lady I know who is very competitive with her baby and always pushing her to get to the next milestone and gloating if/when she does. I hope her baby doesn't grow up with some sort of inferiority complex. Although sometimes I do, and think ha ha ha, that would serve you right. What a nasty person!

One of my fabulous good friends from Melbs rang last night, she is part of the gang of four of us from ANU in 1994 (that means I have known her for 14 years, truly scary!)....and she is up the duff!! very exciting! Cause no matter how great your mothers group friends are, it is always wonderful when someone you have known forever has a bub......you feel like you can really unleash what you truly think. I am so excited for them! I've told her she has to have a girl so that she and Alex can get married. Not that I'm a pushy mum either...... :)

Today I'm off to the gym and grocery shopping. Grocery shopping is always something that requires a bit of girding of the loins, it requires preparation (a list, Alex's bag full of food and drink) and determination. He hates being tied down at the moment and being stuck in a trolley is no exception. My gorgeous cousin Hayley came along with me last week and helped to entertain Alex. She's so great. Today, alas I am Hayley-less and must muddle along solo. I usually let him play with the keys if he gets really upset, or resort to opening a packet of biscuits and giving him one.

Hmm, best go as that smell is starting to linger. Have a great day everyone!

It's official, I have the sh1ts......for no particular reason

So I have been really grumpy today. I am just having one of those "oh I can't be bothered" days....and they are ok if you don't have kids and a house to run.....but when there are still nappy bags to be prepared and dishes to be done and running around after kiddies... Today I just wasn't in the mood. Richard was wonderful, he looked after Alex at church, cause he toddles around all over the place and gets into everything. Alex that is, not Richard. Ha. crap joke.
Anyhoo.....I feel tired and exhausted and cranky and I don't feel like doing anything and I just want to relax and not do anything, but then if I relax and don't do anything i feel horrendously GUILTY! and what is that all about? I reckon you give birth to a major serve of guilt along with bubs. I cracked it at about 5.30 over nothing in particular and announced that I needed to lie down. Felt a bit better after a little lay down/nap....but still tired and out of sorts.
I really enjoy having Richard around on the weekend and the load being shared. I love looking after Alex but at times I find him so full on, I just want to press pause and take a breath!
Ahhh...anyway......tomorrow's another day and I'm sure that things will be much better then. I may even manage a smile or two! hehe.
I think the stinky hot weather doesn't help either...nor does trying to eat healthy....I believe I have a major chocolate addiction and I'm without my drug at the moment! as they say in the country, she'll be right. Love to everyone and especially Lizzy G and her fam...love you girlfriend. :)

Hot hot hot, just for a change!

Well today was another stinker. I'm trying to make sure I eat well and exercise more in 2008, so Richard and Alex and I all decided to walk to the shops and back (hmm, that seems to be all I do!).....that was nice. We have booked the Bourne Ultimatum for tonight.

Yesterday I ended up going over to Mum and Dad's place to have lunch with Mum and Nan. We hung out and Alex was being very cute. Got home and there was time for Alex to have a nap and me to sit down with a tall glass of iced water and the latest copy of Who. Mum's got me hooked, I always used to be a NW gal, but have changed. I'm trying to convince Richard to get us a subscription so I don't spend too much money on magz.

Our friends Darren and Kate and their beautiful bub Roree will be coming over later this arvo to have a swim in the pool. The kids love the pool so much, it's gorgeous.

Apart from that I have been finally emailing people who I've put off replying to for ages...not cause I didn't want to talk to them but cause it seemed like too much effort. I am such a procrastinator at times. Or all the time. hehe.

Alex is asleep and I am reading Jason Donovan's biography. It's quite interesting and he's very frank. I like that in a book. hmmm I think I could fall asleep but I fear that Alex will awake soon. Best to stay up. I'm fairly happy today. Yay!

My first Blog entry!

Hi everyone out there in blog-land.....I have my own blog now. This is either going to go one of two ways.....first, I will become fully addicted to blogging and post way too much stuff on my blog.....or second....I will set this thing up and post in it once or twice before I avoid it totally.

I'm sitting here in my pyjamas, with little Alex toddling around the place.....I am trying to get up the motivation to get both of us showered and dressed. I think I will go for a walk downtown......to the beautiful surrounds of Finley. I have to go to the chemist (how exciting!) and I may even go completely mad and buy some nappies and bonjela while I am down there.

I got an Ipod from my lovely husband for christmas and I'm trying to make time to sit down and load songs onto it. It is harder than it seems, cause when Alex is awake, all he wants to do is pull the cord out of the computer...and when he's asleep all I want to do is veg out in front of a good book, or the tv, or both!

Alex got his first haircut yesterday by the lovely Bronnie, a number 4 all over. So cute, he looks like a real little boy now instead of a baby.