Sunday, January 13, 2008

Absolutely bloody insane and massive dose of the "can't be bothereds"

Ok, so I have been having a few not so crash hot days. I love my family and my life and I have so much to be grateful for, but I'm really having a bit of trouble feeling it.

I am a Christian, and believe in God and all that jazz, but I have been having massive problems with forgiving him for the terrible year that I had last year. How am I supposed to trust him and believe this year will be great when he let me go through the torture and hell that last year was? I am so mad at him that I can't be bothered to pray or read the bible or anything. I feel so cross. And I know that I'm not the only one who's felt like this, that other people have probably felt the same when people they love die or a big upheaval happens.....but I am remaining defiant and probably hurting myself more in the process. I can't imagine ever not believing in God...and I know that I want to believe in him, but my concept of right and wrong has taken a big knock lately. How could God let this happen to me and my family? Why can't everything be happy and jolly all the time? Damn you God, I feel like screaming.

And then I feel guilty because I'm sure that other people don't feel like this and that if I just put my faith in God then everything will be ok. Well I don't feel like that is true either...because when I started getting really sick with Post Natal Depression last year, I thought if I just kept believing and trusting in God then I would get better, or at least I would get some sort of sign from God to keep on going. And I didn't!! All I got was nothing. Worse than nothing, despair and sadness and FEAR. If trusting in God leads me there, then why would I want to ever trust God again? But I know that I can't not believe in God. So how do I reconcile the torment that has been my life in the past year with the love that I'm sposed to believe that God has for me? I don't get it. I hate him sometimes. And I know that all that is doing is creating a bitterness in me that grows and hurts me.

How come other people have massive earth shaking things happen to them and it strengthens their faith? Why am I so weak and untrusting? I don't feel like it is a choice that I can make. I feel like if I'm not pissed off with God then I'm not being true to myself.

I am very grateful for my wonderful son, my gorgeous husband and my amazing extended family who have helped me get through the past 16 months. I just would like a lightning bolt, a neon sign from above saying that my faith has healed me.....but that's impossible cause I don't feel like I have any faith left. I feel jaded and tired and sick of trying. Why should I bother?

Sorry this is not more uplifting and about pop culture or amusing things Alex does. I am not going to do anything silly, I am just looking for answers. But, strangely enough, I don't want to do anything to get them. I want them to come to me. I want life to be an episode of "Twin Peaks", that doesn't make sense, but a dwarf comes to me in a dream and reveals everything. Bring me a piece of Cherry Pie too!

I'm sure tomorrow I will wake up feeling more accepting. I have been back down again for a couple of days, probably since thursday. New week's gotta be better.

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