Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Just a sucker with low self esteem...

Howdy y'all.

Well, today finds me reflecting on how touchy my self esteem can be at times. 

I have had a sinus infection the past few days, and have also just been in a "stinkin thinkin" kinda mood. Most people who read my facebook page know that I'm on a healthy eating and living kick, and I've been soooo motivated for about five months, and have lost 15 kilos. I've also put on 3 in the past month....but lost two of them, so yay me. Well, it was more like, lose one, put on two, lose one, lose another half, put on one. Which is really demoralising, and I know the reason for it. It's cause I am OVER it. I just want to be at my goal weight now, I am sick of being overweight, I feel like I'm fighting a battle that I keep losing. But, do you know what? I felt like this at the start of my weight loss journey. I really struggled with my focus and wanting to do it...but knowing that I had to and WANTED to, so I could model good food behaviour and a healthy lifestyle to my little boy. I don't want him to have the struggle with food and self esteem that I had, if I can at all avoid it!

So yeah, I've basically been cross with my body cause it's sick, and because it's flabby. Which is unhelpful. I've been trying to combat it by being there for other people and getting involved with things.....I have been making some lovely mummy friends at playgroups and other places, and getting involved with STAG and trying to organise packing. But, it's all been a bit crappy because I was sick and all I wanted to do was sleep..but instead of letting myself be sick, I was cross with myself and kept thinking of all the things that I had to do, like sort out Alex's summer clothes, sort out which of his toys to pack, clean the filthy bombsite of a car, organise myself for the playgroup, fill in forms, tidy up, do a load of washing, sort out the mess that is the paperwork drawer, bla bla bla. I went over to Albury on Saturday with Alex and spent the night and hung out with mum and dad the next day.......and may I say that nobody can do sympathy and care the way my mum can? It was so lovely just to abdicate some responsibility and not feel guilty because mum ordered me to rest!! Dr dad also provided some antibiotics for my sinus infection, which made me feel a little better for actually being sick and not just being a whinger/lazy. But I'm still feeling a bit grey. Blah, like the weather.

I am a whole lot happier with myself than I once was, and am trying not to base my self esteem on people, places and things, but on a sense of contentment and happiness within myself.
The ways that I do this are: being interested in other people, doing things that are outside of me, doing things that I enjoy and am good at, taking care of myself by eating well and trying to exercise, being grateful for what I have, rather than looking at what I don't have, going easy on myself and looking back on the good things that I've done, rather than beating myself up for past mistakes.   I've been reading a great book on healing your self esteem, which suggests lots of ways to reward yourself if you're down and needing a pick me up.  These include soothing your senses by smelling, tasting, or touching....so today when I felt urky, I went and bought a new (cheap) pair of ugh boots....they looked nice, and feel toasty warm.  Then, I went and got a frozen yoghurt from Wendys (within my points!!) .....yummmm.......sprayed my "Hypnotic Poison" perfume, which I just love, and gave Richard and Alex lots of hugs.   It almost worked! hehe. 

So, what am I going to do? Well, I'm feeling a lot better - I had a good cry over nothing in particular, and I think that's cleansed my mood somewhat.  I'm now feeling a bit more able to cope, and have struck a few things off the to do list.......feeling more capable and like this week isn't going to be as much of a struggle.  Got a few nice things planned this week as well, playgroup tomorrow, tomorrow night is book club, Wednesday mops, Thursday day off from Alex-ing to do random stuff, Friday dinner club, Saturday church dinner, Sunday Richard's car club presentation.   Should be a good un.  Now that I've got that all out, I'm going to move forward more positively and work on that attitude of gratitude!!

Love you all!
Deb xo