Monday, February 18, 2008

How bad do you want it?

I was thinking today, I whinge and moan that I can't lose any weight, but am I really trying? I continually think about sweets and things that are bad for my figure - I have the craziest sugar cravings and they rule my head. All day, while Alex is crying or playing or whatever, I think "soon I can have a piece of cake or a biscuit" sometimes I think "soon I can have a carrot stick or a piece of fruit". Not often though. I need a major overhaul in my thoughts, but I can't be bothered. It all seems like too much hard work. I guess they call it fast food for a reason!

Alex really annoyed me this morning. I was going to be early for daycare today, except he found some italian dressing in the fridge (yes this technically makes me a bad mother for letting him play with it), and spilled it all over himself. Then when I grabbed him and was trying to clean it up, he did one of those lovely tantrum-esq back thrusts and wouldn't stand on his legs so I could get his pants off. I was trying to remove his clothes so I didn't trail italian dressing all the way down the hall. I yelled "stand up! Stand UP! STAND UPPPPPPPPPPP!!" and of course, he cried. Ugh, I felt so low. Poor bubba. He is going through this really full on clingy and violent phase, where he tries to throw things at other kids, to push people, to smack people and just go limp, dead weight, and thrust around. It's so full on. Sometimes I just lose it and yell. Then I felt bad cause I bet the neighbours can hear and I hope they're not telling people "oh that Hay woman really lost it this morning"....

I am now going to go and run a nice soaky bath and relax into it, then have a rest. I was in the shop before buying somg glad wrap (fascinating, I know), and I was thinking "bloody this, bloody that, ugh I'm so fat, why did I yell at Alex, stupid glad wrap" know, positive stuff like that? And then I pulled myself up. This time last year I couldn't even go to the shop by myself. This time last year I was nearly back in hospital again. That reminded me of the trips to the little shop over the road when I was in the pysch hospital in Albury. They became the highlight of the day and a time when I'd stare at other people in the shops and think "I wish I was you...I wish I had your life....I wish I was SANE and not crippled by this mass depression". Well now I am pretty much almost back there and I am complaining about Glad wrap? I mean, get some perspective, woman!

So today is brought to you by the word "perspective".

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