Sunday, March 16, 2008

cavalcade of tumultuous feelings... I am just showing off....although I had to look up to make sure those words meant what I thought they mean.

Anyhoo...I had a great weekend, very emotional but great. Saturday we got up and Richard helped me to clean the house. My friend Suzanne who I have known for 14 years (eek!) was coming up from Melbourne to visit, and although she said that she loves me warts and all, I preferred to excise some warts before she came a'visiting.

Suz is 23 weeks pregnant, due to pop on the 10th July, which is really exciting for her and Matt, he is a lovely South African dude that she has been with for some time. So we had lots of great talks about babies and labour and pregnancy and the whole caboodle. Some feelings of sorrow started to surface cause I can remember feeling soooo hopeful and happy about being pregnant, then the whole thing went wrong when I got Post Natal Depression.

Then we went out to my lovely friend Sara's for dinner with Sara, her hubby Nick, our other lovely friend Dimity and her man Chris. Richard and Suz both came along and there was much merriment and baby stories, as Sara and Dimity are both from my mothers group and both have little girls. It made me happy that I have such great friends, but sad that it's taken me this long to find them! I really have felt like a fish out of water for so long, living in Finley. These gals are so great, I really feel comfortable on them, like we're all on the same crazy wavelength. I'm going to miss them when we move to Shep.

Today Suz and I sorted through some baby clothes of Alex's, and some baby stuff that we're not going to use again.....we have pretty much decided that Alex is going to be an only child, due to the length and depth of my PND. I keep getting frustrated that I'm not completely better, still feel strange...yet I forget that for so long I felt so revolting, like I couldn't stand for another day to tick by, that I couldn't live for another minute. I remember reading an explanation of a guy who had been severely depressed with a mania attached, and how he described feeling like he couldn't live another second. I always devour stories of PND, and will the person to describe my feeling. I guess every person's feeling is different. Mine is starting to go...but I still don't feel normal.

I confessed to Suzanne today over brunch in Cobram (ladida!) that I felt like somewhat of a fraud telling her about babies etc, as I couldn't remember a lot (due to Shock Therapy) and the bits I could remember were horrid, such as him crying and crying and me crying and just wanting to run away. I wish I could remember him smiling but I can't, all I can remember is the crying and feeling of utter helplessness. I feel so sorry for me too, because I want to be happy about little babies....but I can't help feeling slightly repulsed by them and their neediness.

I feel guilty about having had PND and being sick for so long. I feel like I should apologise...but I can't without negating the validity of my experience. PND is not my fault....if I keep saying that then maybe one day I'll believe it. I reckon the moment you give birth you also give birth to a big sack of add a mental disorder to the mix and voila! A big hearty dose of "I am a failure". Maybe it's time to go back to the counsellor? hmmm...yairs.

Well tomorrow is another day, with no mistakes in it, as Anne of Green Gables would I'm sure tomorrow will be better and before you know it I will be back to sanity-ville!! :)

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