Sunday, June 15, 2008

I to the N to the SOMNIA!

yeah....I am not sleeping at the moment and I would like to be. Which sucks.

I have never been the world's best sleeper. Even when I was ten years old mum had bought me those relaxation tapes so I could try to sleep better. They never really worked. I get so upset about not being able to go to sleep that I just stress and stress and stress. It freaks me out.

Since going all nutso a coupla years ago, I have been on sleepers to help me sleep, which usually work. I have also been trying to exercise every day or at least every second day. I haven't had a "I know I'm not going to be able to sleep for a while" night in a while. I was lying there with my heart palpating a bit, wide awake and getting more and more anxious.

My solution is to get up and do something like post on my blog, read a book....think about stuff.
I think the fact that I was thinking about stuff is what got me unable to sleep. I mentioned a bit before about my BPD, but one of the symptoms is being unable to have good relationships with others and only seeing negatives in other people's behaviours. I have been really good with trying not to react to what I perceive as other people's poor treatment of me, to treat it in a detatched sort of way and talk to people I know who will give me both sides of the story.

Well the other day I forgot all that and got very annoyed with a friend of mine who I had rung quite a few times before I moved, cause she hadn't returned my calls, and just sent me a message on facebook saying we should catch up. I was annoyed that she couldn't be bothered picking up the phone, but let it go. I suggested a time when we caught up. This wasn't suitable. I suggested another time and there was a "yeah, that sounds good". Then I didn't hear from her for three weeks. I became more and more cranky, thinking "if someone moved to the town that i was living in and didn't know anyone I would try a little harder to be a friend". And I let her have it, saying I was annoyed and upset that she couldn't give me any of her time.

Ooooh boy...and did I get it in a blast back from her. She is working and studying full time, she has a 9 year old daughter, she just had a miscarriage (I didn't even know she was in a relationship)....she has no time for anyone at the moment and she doesn't need me making her feel guilty about it when she's tried hard to catch up with me. Ha!
I felt annoyed when I got her message......then as quickly as the annoyance came, was the shame. Oh dear, she is havign a really hard time and I have just sent her a horrible message which makes her feel dreadful. I am not proud of myself. I got a feeling of massive dejavu, I always used to do this with my friends in Canberra....have fallings out and tell other friends, I was always warring with someone, I always had a nemesis on any given day.

I have stepped back into that world and I hate it. It feels awful. I want to go into my brain and remove the bit that told me it was a good idea to write that email and not just to be tolerant and think the best of people, not the worst. If people aren't continually reassuring me that i am ok, I think they hate me. This does not make sense, but hurrah for psychiatrists. My shrink will no doubtedly advise further action. And guess what? blogging about it helps. Yay. And Kristy, I am sorry. :(

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