Tuesday, June 10, 2008

More incoherent ramblings

Well, good afternoon all.

This post finds me almost well and sitting here quite happy with my lot. I have been looking back a bit this afternoon, something about looking at Facebook and seeing what my contemporaries have been up to. I've decided that a beautiful little boy and a handsome, loving husband, as well as a supportive family and in-laws is actually a very good deal.

About five years ago I was a very different person.....although a lot the same in some ways. On the 25th of May 2003, I stopped drinking altogether because of a drunken accident I was in. I lost my license for 6 months and got fined $1000. I was lucky not to have been killed or jailed...or worse still, killed someone else.

I was reeling from the shock of it all, and from the shock of my sister announcing her engagement to a honest, reliable and quite gorgeous farmer from Finley. She's 20 months younger than me and has always had her sh*t together in a way that I've never managed. Her engagement really brought home to me that my life was going nowhere fast. I had a series of "relationships", a series of "friendships" and a series of "jobs". Some friends, family, and jobs had hung in there longer than most, but many I had alienated with my mercurial personality and self-defeating behaviour.

I can recognise now that I have problems in the way that I see the world and the way that I form relationships with people. The diagnosis this year that I have Borderline Personality Disorder really puts into focus what I have been grappling with for the past 5 years, but also in a sense, for all of my life.

You see, I have never really felt like I fitted in, I have never liked myself. I have always thought I was ugly and despaired of my ability to ever get a good job, get a man, get friends, etc. When these things came my way, I abused them and lost them. If they hung on, I abused them and despised them. I hated myself and anyone who loved me was worthy of scorn.

It is a massive relief to find out that I actually have a DISEASE which makes me behave/feel like this. I am also an alcoholic - I can never drink again, and haven't since my accident just over 5 years ago. I often used to wonder "why do I hate myself so much?" "Why do I behave like this?".....and over the last five years I have found out why.

If I step outside myself, I can see that I do have good points. I have a warped sense of humour, I love children and small animals, I love my family, I love God, I want to belong, I have a keen fashion sense, I feel things deeply.

On the minus side, I am prone to over-reaction, I have a very thin emotional skin, I doubt and hate myself at times, I can be a real b*tch, I indulge in self-defeating behaviour.

I have found that part of this journey has been to accept myself for who I am, whoever that may be on any given day, and just press on with the task at hand.

I have a charmed life today, the aforementioned lovely hubby and child, and yet sometimes I want things to go badly for me, or to people to treat me badly, so I can complain. I am not content with a good life, I want drama, action, gossip. I am addicted to bad behaviours and really miss the compulsive behaviours I have let go sometimes. I miss being a drunk, a tart and a smoker. (Which is worse, she wonders????)....Responsibility has never sat particularly easy on my shoulders and today it is no different.

How lucky am I that I have the chance to have a good life and change my bad reactions and combat my bad, self defeating behaviour? I have so many people I want to make things up to. Thank you everyone who has kept on loving me even though I have made it hard for them. Today is the future. Today is whatever I want it to be. Today can be healthy if I want it to be.


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