So I'm working really hard on my recovery from depression, trying to get the housework done, help people out and do the things I need to do......I am trying to eat well, get exercise and look after my gorgeous son.
But this week has been a never ending cascade of crankery from me. Maybe I've been trying too hard? I have had savage pms and been very annoyed with people who request things from me.....I have rung up people to request things and been annoyed when they don't listen.....I have offered people lifts and then got annoyed when they commented on the state of my car (Clean for once!!)......I have totally lost it with Alex's tantrums.
My way of dealing with it has been to write about it, talk to friends about it and to go to 12 step meetings. But somehow, underneath each layer of crank, is more crank. I mean, I now feel as if all I want to do is go to bed and lie there until the cranky goes away.
This morning I was taking Alex to music classes, I had rung up on Wednesday to check when they were on and the guy wasn't listening to my question.......I got a bit cranky and today when I went in apologised. Anyhoo...turns out that because he hadn't listened to me, he'd given me the wrong information and the classes didn't start for another two weeks. I was really trying not to lose my temper, when Alex grabbed a bubble blower from a "Book of the Week" dispenser thingy (you know those book sale things they sometimes have in offices?)...and he absolutely lost it when I tried to explain to him calmly that he couldnt' have it and to put it back. I tried to tell him about the music classes and distract him, but he just threw himself to the ground and tantrumed all the more.
I was getting so over the situation and even though the lady said we could sit in on the large class this week, the thought of looking after my cranky boy who is so clingy and shy at the moment that he clings to my leg and almost makes me fall over, won't co-operate or do anything I want him to, even with coaxing and cajoling.......I can't carry the nappy bag properly because he wants to be carried everywhere, he cries and carries on if I try to make him walk....it drives me insane. So I ended up saying "I'm sorry, he's just had a tantrum and I don't believe that should be rewarded", getting in the car and driving home.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr so over this mothering thing today. Give me five seconds where I can just do what I want! Which is, nothing! I need a holiday!