Yes...I know it's been a while since I blogged. But I've been thinking about it, that's almost the same, isn't it?
well, today was a shocker....I had to come and share about how it felt. Looking after Alex and Richard and the house is my full time job. I"m a stay at home mum and some Monday mornings I wake up and think "ho hum". I feel guilty about not spending enough time playing with Alex, I feel guilty about not spending enough time doing the laundry, cooking nutritious meals, being able to earn money, keeping up with world events, and guilty about how I spend a heck of a lot of time thinking about ME, myself, how I look, what I'm going to wear, what other people think of me.....how much weight I've lost, how many points are in my snack, how many points were in what I ate yesterday, how much weight am I going to lose, am I a yummy mummy yet? Argh, it's all so stupid, what I think sometimes. I just get obsessed with what's in my head and totally lose focus on what's important. The job that I do is important.....and if I'm distracted by ME ME ME, I miss the important stuff.
Today, Alex had a minor collision with a reversing car. I was able to reach him before any real damage was done, he was wearing a helmet and neither he nor the car were going very fast. Still, it was enough to turn my blood to ice. I was just concentrating on getting Alex to hospital to be checked over, and dealing with what had to happen, to get him lunch and to go home and put a load of washing on, to get dinner, to make his bed.
After dinner, when he was in bed, my sister in law rang to ask how Alex was, and how I was. Her sweet, gentle inquiry brought me undone. I was chipper on the phone but after I hung up, it really hit me how precious he is and how sometimes I'm so irritated by countless requests for everything in sight, that I lose focus of how much I love him. Sometimes he becomes an irritation that I want to escape from, and I know that a lot of stay at homers feel like that, but I feel so bad that it took me so long to actually process what happened today. I sat there and cried because he IS so precious, he is such an amazing kid and I love him SO much......and it just hit me for the millionth time how BIG a responsibility it is to be his mummy and how much that freaked me out to begin with, because it felt like it was too much for me to take on. Today, I couldn't get ahold of my mum or Richard, while Alex and I were waiting in emergency to get him checked over. I thought - looks like I have to be an adult - but when do the grown ups show up? It's scary being a grown up. Half the time, I still feel as clueless as a kid, and that I have no idea what I am supposed to do. But, you know what I have realised lately? That's part of being a human/adult/married/a mum...there's no magic moment when you realise, hurrah, I'm here! There's just coping with what life throws at you - that's what makes you an adult. Nobody has a rule book to life (unless it's the bible), and I just have to trust that my best is good enough.
Alex, buddy, I love you. Every night, before I go to sleep, I look at you sleeping peacefully, and can't imagine my life without you. I'm blessed to have you. God, please help me to remember that, and not to get taken over by my crap and the irritation of daily life. Help me to delight in the blessings you've given me and not to take it for granted and want to escape from my responsibilities!! :)