Grandma passed away on Monday 5th January, and a whole lot of stuff has happened since then. My week last week was as follows:
Monday: Drive to Finley to meet with Mum, Jen, Ang and Funeral Director. Go through photos and decide what things we wanted for her funeral......talk to my fam and lovely Richard arrived around 2 to look after Alex so I could talk to everyone. I stayed behind for a little bit when Richard left and Dad gave me a massive hug, and said "I was afraid you had gone, I really wanted to see you". It made me cry. I love my dad....he is so sad.
Tuesday: I woke up with a start at 5am and went for a walk. I was so sad and kept crying when I thought about Grandma, all the fun times we'd had together and all the things that she'd seen me through. Alex was in daycare so I decided that I would let myself wallow in sadness for a coupla days. I went and hired series 4 of Sex and the City from Video Ezy and spent a lazy afternoon watching Carrie & Co and trying not to eat junk(see below).
Wednesday: I went and did a workout with Laura, a personal trainer who I have booked 3 sessions with to try and help me get the most out of my workouts. She put me through my paces and it was good, got the endorphins out and I was energised to try and get through this week without pigging out too much. Met the lovey Ross and Judy (and Jono) Taylor for lunch. I just love this couple, they are so real and never fake it, they talk about life and their opinions and I love it! Angela popped down to get the shed keys that Richard had accidentally taken with him and we had a frozen yoghurt together and shopped for the funeral.
Thursday: I decided I would go to Finley to be around the fam, but couldnt' quite get it together to leave the house. My gorgeous friend Marianne dropped by with all sorts of lovely treats for lunch and smiles to cheer me up. She is a star. We have been going for walks together and become each other's cheerleaders. Everyone needs a friendship like that. I was planning on going and visiting mum and dad but Alex had a long nap and I fell asleep....woke up when Richard came home at 5.30pm. Decided not to go to Finley and stayed up til 1.30am watching SATC. Fabulous stuff.
Friday: I rang mum and decided I would try to come to Finley that morning. Again, I couldn't seem to get it together to leave the house. I got a bag packed, had a conversation with Richard about how it wasn't that sensible to go to Finley for the day on Friday if we were spending the weekend there. Said that I wanted to anyway. Stuffed around at home. Felt tired and gross. Decided to make Alex have a sleep and try to rest. Surfed the net and looked at Facebook way too much. Felt sad. Reread the poem Jen wrote. Cried. Had pizza (thin crust) and Salad for dinner. Even little changes count! Packed Alex and my bags and left room in my bag for Richard's stuff. Checked the bags to make sure I wasn't missing anything.
Saturday: Woke up earlyish (7) for the trip to Finley. Arrived at mum and dad's house to greet rellies. Cried a little. Went to Grandma's funeral and read poem...thought I wouldn't be able to continue but kept on going. Morning tea in church hall, chatted to people but mainly just felt like being by myself, or with my close family, eating lollies and reading trashy magazines. Didn't eat any lollies. Went to Tocumwal Pavillion Bakery for after funeral lunch. Came back to mum and dad's and tried to make Alex have a sleep. He wouldn't. About 4 Richard took Alex over to his sister Catherine's place so she could look after him while we had a "farewell Grandma" dinner at the Chinese restaurant. Sooooo busy and full of people. I had that unreal feeling that life was going on and I didn't really want it to..... Wondered what Grandma would think of her day. Picked up Alex and went out to the Hay farm. Slept horribly (I always do when I'm stressed or anxious).
Sunday: Had breakfast with Glad, went back into town. We were all going to go to church but I couldnt' face people. Just wanted to be alone. Richard took Alex to church and rest of family went to Rutherglen to have a parker's pie. I wanted to go but couldn't get back to Shepparton in time..........felt trapped and helpless but tired and quiet at the same time. Pottered around mum and dad's house and watched more SATC on their Austar. I love that show for trauma counselling. Gives one a sense of perspective. Drove back to Shep with Richard and Alex. Dragged my sorry arse to rehearsals with dead, red eyes. Got through rehearsals and came home, slept soundly for the first time since Grandma has died.
Yesterday was mostly good, I decided that I would rejoin the world, cause it's only doing me damage not being in it! I was still a bit teary......when Saeeda, our family day-carer's elderly Pakistani mother in law said "what is wrong with alex? he always have scab on face, mummy not look after him!!" and laughed, I burst into tears. He has had a few bumps lately and on Saturday night got covered in mosquito bites, some of which he scratched. I already felt like a neglectful, lazy mother. Saeeda apologised for her and said "She is old, she doesn't understand what she is saying". The MIL then apologised too. I felt horribly embarassed. Went home to a swim and my lovely hubby. Facebooked til the early hours, finding some old friends.
Still feel a little down but I know I'm going to make it. I have a bag full of some of Grandma's clothes and scarves and I keep going and smelling them because they smell of her. I miss her.
Here is the poem that we read at her funeral:
Grandma means gardens
Roses and geraniums
Fairy banquets at the bottom of the garden
The gentle curve of a red painted path
Grandma means a myriad of little purses
Necklaces and such
Three variations on a theme
For three little girls
Grandma means creaking floorboards
Frosted glass doors
Big furry chairs
And a silver Christmas tree
Grandma means books!
Too many to read
But not for Grandma
The endless pursuit of an unread book
Grandma means conversation
Tuesday phone calls
Shared troubles, comfort
Given nightly in prayer
Grandma means hedgehog slice
Warm pasties with tomato sauce
And gooseberry jam bubbling in a pot
Warm kitchen aromas
Grandma means walks
Down a cobbled street
To Dalkieth shops
And Marzipan mice
Grandma means roast dinners
Home-made potato salad
Ice cream cake with pale pink roses
A line to be cleared
Grandma means dancing
with her walking cane
In a room with many ornaments
Amidst laughter-filled protestations
Grandma means baby soft hands
With a feather-like touch
Crocheting rose filled rugs
Flowery cards with spidery writing
Grandma means Gate Gamma
As our wriggly children are balanced
On her legs
For hugs and photos
Grandma means early morning stories
Tucked into bed, four across
With a pale green quilted spread
To keep us warm
Grandma means watching cricket
On a big old television
A cool respite
From hot summer days
Grandma means holidays in Perth
Piled on mattresses all in the one room
Special treats, cream on toast
Stacks of funnies to share
Grandma means box of treasures
Bruising the walls in MahJong
Visits to various libraries
Grandma means travel tales
Exploring the world
With her loved ones
Enjoying postcards, photos and gifts from afar
So many things
But most of all