For someone who didn't want to wake up this morning, it seems a little unfair that I'm unable to sleep at twenty past two in the morning. Doesn't it? Hmmm.
I have found that since I've had Alex, I am hyper sensitive to caffeine.....I only have to have one coffee, not even strong, at any point during my day, and I will be completely unable to sleep until the wee hours. And so, when I had a diet coke during the Hi 5 performance today (or yesterday), I shoulda known better. Never mind.
I've been sitting here thinking about various things, tidied the house, finished reading my book, and am still zinging. What I've mainly been thinking about are friendships.
Friendships are interesting, are they not? Any relationship is give and take. Sometimes it's hard not to weigh up who is doing more of the giving and who is doing more of the taking. For the most part, I think I'm a pretty generous friend, although I think one of my weaknesses is definitely the fact that I get super annoyed if I feel like I'm being taken for granted. There are a couple of friends that I have, who aren't very good at staying in touch. I have some friends who are happy to see me or talk to me, yet won't initiate contact. I hate that! There are any number of people who I could choose to spend my time with/on, but when you click with someone, you expect there to be some sort of to and fro, not just one person making all the effort.
It used to really burn me up, and I'd have nasty arguments. These days, I have a simpler strategy. If I feel like I'm being taken for granted in a friendship, I stop trying as hard. These days, I value my time, and am not prepared to waste it on people who can't be bothered. Does that sound harsh? I hope not.....I'm not angry with those people, I've just come to realise that they don't need to communicate as often as I do. I have come to realise that I'm a very social person and I need input from others. I'm not someone who can operate in a social vacuum. The nature of my job at the moment (mothering) means that I often spend chunks of time with just Alex for company, and I crave adult conversation. And...I'm not into having to fight hard to occupy people's friend-scape. Not any more.
Recently, on Facebook, I reconnected with one of my best friends from primary school. We had parted ways in less than ideal circumstances, and she'd responded to my apologetic PM. we had a little chat about where we were at, what our families were doing...and then, when I explained why I did what I did, she stopped replying. Years ago, I would have kept talking and wanting a response, but today....I can see that I don't have to know why she isn't writing back. But...I do have to accept it. Some people chose not to be in my life...and that can be hurtful. Some people aren't prepared to give as much as I want from them, and that can be hurtful. Sometimes, I have expectations that aren't met, and friendships wither and are replaced. I have learnt that I can grieve over these lost friendships for only so long....before I start to feel depressed.
What helps me to move forward is to count the wonderful friends who ARE in my life, the family members who I DO speak to regularly, the people who DO reply to my texts and comment on my statuses. It also helps to get things in perspective to realise that you don't have to be present in someone's life to be thinking about them. But, I do like the people who let me know that they're in my life. That's just how I am. And that's ok....because saying and doing what I feel is me being real about me!!
And now...I'm gonna stop spouting psychobabble and try to sleep!
night all xoxo