Thursday, May 24, 2012

Eating me up inside


Well, since I've left Weight Watchers, I've been on a journey of self discovery regarding my weight.  The ways of containing my weight that seemed to work whilst I was with Weight Watchers, have left me.  I didn't want to go back to meetings, it seemed like a bit of a comedown to be sitting in a meeting as a member. Isn't that a crap way of thinking? So, I have tried a lot of things to manage my weight.  First, when I left WW, it was like "wooohoo, I'm not a leader any more, lets just eat everything in sight.".  So, my weight stayed the same for a while, especially as I was exercising a lot.  But after a couple of weeks, I hit the 100 mark again.  Ugh. I feel so much better about myself when the scales say "98", as opposed to "100". And if they say "94"....well, that means that I'm an awesome person, right?

Ugh.  So I tried protein shakes, I joined the gym, I let myself have one day of eating whatever I wanted, I tried to restrict, I went for long walks.  All of this culminated in me weighing 107 kilos.  That's right - since I've left WW, in January, I have put on nearly ten kilos.  And whilst I know that this doesnt' make me a bad person, I wonder if there is something wrong with my metabolism? Because I don't overeat that much...I just seem to be able to put on weight extraordinarily easily.  It sucks.

So - I had been eating vegetables, vegetables, vegetables. So many vegetables that my tummy was bloated, the scales werent' moving and I felt more and more down on myself.  I've since quit the Fast Food place that I was working at...that I'm sure didn't help.

I ended up at a place where I never wanted to be again - crouched over the toilet, trying to get rid of some biscuits and chocolate that I had just consumed.  How had I got so low that I was punishing my body with food again? This is more than just input in and input out.  There is something wrong with the way that I think about food.

My answer was to reach out for help- in group therapy. I know that one of the reasons that Weight Watchers works and worked for me is that it involves talking about my feelings surrounding my weight.  And the food isnt 'the issue - it's a symptom of a greater problem. Address the problem and you'll solve the symptom. So, I've been reading a wonderful, amazing book that my friend Kellie wrote about her recovery from an eating disorder and many other ways of disordered thinking.  I am victim of all of these things as well - and I want to get well.  I am no longer going to deprive, starve, overfeed and overeat vegetables. I am going to listen to my body, tell it that I love it, drink lots of water, do exercise that I love, feel good about the food that I eat, and not beat myself up about the times that I slip and overeat.  I have been fighting this demon for over 20 years, and all the other ways of fighting it have failed, time and again. 

This time I am going to love my body and stop panicking and trying to lose weight.  I made the mistake of stepping on the scales with PMS last night, and it said 109. I panicked, so went and ate two vegemite sandwiches. Punishing my body, it doesn't make any sense, but that's where my mind goes - and that is the thing that keeps me overweight.  I need to let go and give God control of my weight.  My ways do not work, they just don't.  If I practice loving my body and nurturing it, it will become second nature and I will no longer feel the need to overeat and punish myself with food.

Wish me luck! :)

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