Monday, May 21, 2012

Life changing discoveries

Oh my goodness gracious me - sobs were on the menu at my session with my psychiatrist today.  It was tough!  I went in to discuss my latest job meltdown - hurling abuse at coworkers isn't the way that I want to behave.  The last few times that I've spoken to him, he's been approving. I have had my issues and I've brought them to him......and he's been in favour of the way that I've solved the problems.

I've evolved a lot from the lady that I used to be. I was once angry, hurting those who I assumed were hurting me, I validated the way I behaved by the feelings that burned inside me. I was a mess.....I can still go back there, too. 

I was so angry at my psych cause he said that BPD wasn't an illness, it's a personality disorder, it cant be cured by medicine, it can be cured by hard work, and he was explaining in all this detail about what BPD was and what other diseases are and how they're cured  -
and I was like - wt, how is it not an illness? i felt like he was saying it was my fault, I wanted him to agree with me and then I felt like he wasn't getting what I was saying and I got cross...and he was getting cross at me getting cross - and he wasn't telling me what he wanted me to say, so I was like "listen to me, I am sick, I should be on medicine, you've said it's an illness before'

But I think he was making a point of how quickly my temper turns when someone disagrees with me.He said its part of my abandonment issues, that I think if people don't agree with me then I get afraid that they're gonna leave and so I get angry so that I can end things, not them

And he said if you can't work through this here, you won't be able to get through this in life!

I was soooo angry at him, I was like "you are the psychiatrist, I don't know what you want me to say" and he was like "well thats' where we have to leave our session today" and I was like noooooooo I need closure! don't leave me being cross with me!!"  and that's when I realised that he was right. I get a huge knot of fear when someone disapproves of me - don't leave me, don't disapprove of me. Love me. Like me!! Please!!!
I am crying as I write this because it is such a truth - soooo deep to my core. And i know why he pushed me so much, because it is something I need to get past in order to stop repeating the pattern of approval seeking behaviour. I just find more people to approve of me and repeat the pattern. This is core stuff for me. It's scary as hell. I wish I knew why I was like this. I am starting to remember some bullying that I think is perhaps to blame - the trauma I guess?

I was sobbing in the office when I came out but he was so proud of me when I said "I am arrogant and I want people to know that I am the best at everything but I don't want to try unless I'm the best - and I need people to tell me I'm the best constantly" - he was like "that's what I wanted from you - you needed to come up with your own solution to your problem" - it's so much easier to get angry and run away than confront what is wrong.

I'm going to confront this. I am going to work on my approval issues. I am going to get well and stop repeating these patterns - I am going to be God's creation and proud of me, instead of trying to be what I think I should be.

Peace out.

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